Do You Really Tink Too Much?

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That's Gay

That beauty is in the eye of the beholder is a given, but your nose makes that call even more effectively.

Most punters agree that the one thing all bar boys have in common is that they appreciate a customer who smells good. Or to put it in another way, the hottie of your dreams will be a nottie if you don’t have the common decency to bathe regularly. In Thailand, that means three or four showers a day, depending how active your sex life is. Not that a personal crusade against body odor is just a Thai thing. We all – or most of us – try to smell our best when attempting to attract a partner. In the U.S. alone, over $24 billion is spent on personal scents each year. Add in the French and that’s . . . well, okay, so it’s still only $24 billion.

Nonetheless, gay guys shell out big bucks to smell like David Beckham in the hopes that that’ll help them look like David Beckham. Not that that is any more productive than wearing H&M underwear. And while I personally appreciate an aging sexpat taking a modicum of care in dressing decently when preparing for a night out at the bars, those you view as a conquest are more appreciative if your efforts are to not stink to high hell. Acting your age is one thing, smelling it another. With his eyes on your wallet, a bar boy may ignore the dangers his olfactory senses have equated with Terrorism Level Red, but that just goes to show you that the Roman emperor Vespasian had it right when he said, “Pecunia non olet.”

Then again, maybe it does and that’s the benchmark you should be aiming for with your personal grooming habits. Proving that boys will be boys anywhere in the world, a recent U.K. survey on behalf of a scent design company showed that the ideal of a “fresh scent’ has a universal appeal. And though some may consider that to be the smell of freshly baked bread while others think of clean sheets or fresh flowers, all positive smells produce a calming effect. While that is all good and well, the twist in the results was not that the smell of freshly brewed coffee beat out the scent of freshly washed laundry, but that in the 18-24 year age group one in five men (19%) favored the scent of money over the smell of their own partner fresh from the shower (17%) or a man with fresh breath (16%). But then few young men in the U.K have ever had the pleasure of whiffing the passing scent of an aged, grossly overweight farang whose response to the BO he’s worked up in Bangkok’s 110 degree heat and 90% humidity is a liberal dousing of Chanel for Men rather than going mano y mano with the shower head in his hotel room.

Fresh as a daisy is all well and good, but that ain’t the scent that gay men hone in on.

Confused that their choice in footwear is what really matters to Thailand’s sex workers, too many sex tourists and their live-in counterparts think they can get away with skimping on a daily shower or two. Equally confused, they think that often heard bar boy refrain of ‘You tink too much’ has something to do with their thought process rather than the bathing regime it is really directed toward. Bar boy or fellow sex tourist, it’s difficult to position yourself upwind in a gogo bar. That so many bars still allow smokers to indulge has less to do with the Thai practice of ignoring laws and rules as it does with masking the stench that would otherwise permeate the premises.

Be that as it may, and putting the smelly shoe on the other foot, the boys whose hearts are set on your bank account tend to be well groomed, freshly showered, and smelling as fresh as a daisy. Maybe that’s in hopes of setting an example for their customers to follow, but it probably has more to do with the 15 minutes they just spent naked on stage dripping hot candle wax on their private parts. And that’s a shame (not the naked part. Or the candle waxed body parts part). Sweat flowing at a rate that would make the Niagara Falls jealous might not be sexy, but the scent of a man can be. Thai guys not only smile a lot, but they smell good too. Naturally. The great unwashed may be more than your senses can handle, but a light dusting of man’s aroma in the air can be delightful. Attention to personal hygiene is a good thing, but can BO actually be a good thing too?

Yup, smells like science to me.
Wait . . . let me sniff that armpit just one more time to be sure.

Yup, good to go.

Many gogo bar patrons profess that they only want to off gay guys. Short of extremely effeminate manners or that wistful look when the ladyboy act takes the stage, ferreting out which in the bar’s stable of young hunks is gay and which are only gay for pay is not always an easy chore. But that’s because you are relying on your sense of sight when you should be prescribing to that old adage, The Nose Knows. While we may swoon over self-professed “types” (muscles, twinks, or muscles), mate selection relies heavily on a series of conscious and unconscious calculations made deep within our brains. And it turns out your brain says that BO might actually help you find your best-fit sex partners.

A study by scientists at the Monell Chemical Senses Center in Philadelphia showed that gay men and lesbian women had different body odor preferences than straight men and women; gay men were drawn to the odors of other gay men (and heterosexual women for some unfathomable reason), while odors from gay men were the least preferred by heterosexual men. According to the study not only do we smell different than breeders, but we prefer the stink of fellow rainbow warriors too. It turns out gaydar might not owe its miraculous abilities to the sense of sight, but to the sense of smell instead.

Participants in the research used only odorless soaps and shampoo, not shaving their armpits, and abstaining from garlic, curry and cumin for nine days. They then wore cotton pads wedged into their armpits for several days while going about their typical activities. Shortly thereafter, another set of volunteers – of both sexes and sexual orientations – smelled and rated the odors on intensity and pleasantness on scales of 1 to 10. Neuroscientist Charles Wysocki, who led the study, said the strongest finding was that gay men prefer the smell of other gay men, and can smell the scent of another gay man like a bloodhound tracking a wounded tweaker wearing a sweaty wife-beater (okay, so I’ve been watching too much of COPS lately).

“Inhale the rainbow.”

“Our findings support the contention that gender preference has a biological component that is reflected in both the production of different body odors and in the perception of and response to body odors,” he said, which in more simple terms means gay guys smell good and like other gay guys who smell good too. Next time you are trying to decide which bar boy to off for the night, you may do well to take a quick sniff of his package rather than rely on the sense of sight or touch alone.

This theory was expanded upon by the work done by the Stockholm Brain Institute, where a brain scanning technique called Positron Emission Tomography was used to find that a potent chemical lurking in male sweat glands causes a rush of electrical activity directly to the sexual regions of the brain in gay men. In straight men, not so much.

In their research, both breeders and the gays responded similarly to ordinary odors such as lavender and cedar; their brains reacted only in the olfactory region that handles smells. But when confronted by a chemical derived from testosterone, portions of the brain that control sexual activity were activated in gay men. As in off the charts.

At fault is Androstadienone, a testosterone derivative chemical, which is 10 times more abundant in male than female sweat and is suspected of acting as a potent male pheromone (molecules emitted by one individual that evoke some behavior in another of the same species). Pheromones trigger basic responses, such as sexual attraction, in many animals. But scientists have long debated if humans respond to pheromones. The Swedish study suggests that pheromones indeed play a part in making humans sexually attractive to one another. Especially within the same gender when your sexual urges are already predisposed to lean that way. Maybe Lady GaGa got it right. We really are born that way. And our noses prove it.

“Uh, hello? My armpits are up here!”

Not that it’s all good news on the good nose front. Especially for Pattaya’s sexpats. Just when you find out your sense of smell is the best way to lead you to the happiest of happy endings, The Journal of Urology reports the assist you get from the little blue pill may impair your olfactory capabilities. Dr. Thomas Hummel and his colleagues at the University of Dresden Medical School conducted a study on men using a 100mg dose of Viagra against a control group who needed no help in achieving blast off. They found that little blue tablet of wonder is responsible for a decrease in nasal airflow. Those using the drug in their study had a significant loss in odor detection threshold, odor discrimination, and odor identification ability. So it might be a good idea for you to sniff out your sexual partner for the night before swallowing your little friend. Take a good whiff and you might not even need that pill.

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And You Thought Getting Old Is A Bitch

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That's Gay

The loss of your true love can make anyone unhappy and miserable.

Well it turns out you’re right. Getting old is a bitch. But there’s worse news on the horizon. Not only is aging a bitch, but it turns you into one too.

Grumpy old man syndrome isn’t exactly news. The spectre of a grumpy old cuss walking about looking like a bulldog eating a wasp isn’t just a fictional characterization always good for a few laughs – except among fellow fans of crankiness – it’s a reality that is far too often seen. Despondent, disenfranchised, dismal, the funk many men sink into as their golden years approach tells you they are at a point in their life where being dissed is what it’s all about. Crabby, cross, and far too testy, sullen seniors seem to be good at only one thing: being cantankerous.

Why is it that Santa Claus seems to be the only octogenarian with a twinkle in his eyes? Is it the sad realization that you are turning into your father? Are the aches and pains in your bones responsible for turning your face into a roadmap of misery? Is there a good reason behind spending your last years on Earth looking like you have to pass gas?

Yup, smells like science to me.

Is this you in your golden years?

Undoubtedly with all the grant money available for the taking, there have been thousands of studies done on why the elderly are so damn miserable. They hate kids, they hate the trends of the day, they hate their lives and everyone who isn’t as miserable as they are. There are plenty of reasons to point to, plenty to blame for the reason why. But some recent research may point to the true reason old men are generally so grouchy. Dr. Ronald Tamler, director of the men’s health program at Sinai Hospital, says for men aging is a bitch because the process may be turning you into one. He says that as men age their once mighty swords shrinks in size. In both length and girth. And if that isn’t enough to make your smile turn upside down I don’t know what is.

It’s not just thanks to your protruding belly that you can’t see your penis anymore, the aging process too is taking its toll. One that can be measured in inches. “If a man’s erect penis is 6 inches long when he is in his 30s, it might be 5 or 5-and-a-half inches when he reaches his 60s or 70s,” Tamler says. Losing half to a full inch in length is common.

Why? Two reasons: First, plaque builds up in the tiny penile arteries, which clogs blood flow to the shaft. Less blood to the shaft means less erection. Second, over the decades scar tissue builds up within the tissue around the erectile chamber. This too reduces blood flow, and once again what once stood proud and tall is but a shadow of its former self.

But wait! There’s more!

Shame all of that retirement planning you did didn’t address what really matters.

As penis size changes, so does the size of the testicles. “Starting around age 40, the testicles definitely begin to shrink,” says Irwin Goldstein, MD, director of sexual medicine at Alvarado Hospital in San Diego. The testicles of a 30-year-old man might measure 3 centimeters in diameter, he says; those of a 60-year-old, perhaps measures only 2 centimeters. In addition to that, the head of the penis gradually loses its purplish color, the result of reduced blood flow. And there is a slow loss of pubic hair. “As testosterone wanes, the penis gradually reverts to its prepubertal, mostly hairless, state,” says Goldstein.

And just when you thought it couldn’t get any better, Ira Sharlip, MD, clinical professor of urology at the University of California, San Francisco, weighs in with the fact that weight gain, which is common as men grow older, means fat accumulates on the lower abdomen, which makes the apparent size of the penis change. And not for the good. “A large prepubic fat pad makes the penile shaft look shorter,” says Sharlip, just in case you used to be a positive thinker.

The good news is that these experts say such changes need not ruin your sex life. As Goldstein puts it, “The most important ingredient for a satisfying sex life is the ability to satisfy your partner. And that doesn’t require peak sexual performance or a big penis.” Unless, of course, your partner is a size queen.

The good news is that there is something you can do about it. Kidding. Come on, by your age you should known that life just enjoys fucking with you and there ain’t a damn thing you can do about it. Other than turning into a grumpy old man.

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That's Gay

Oh, Baby!

Well-meaning but basically clueless friends assume I’m not a happy person. You’d think that would be due to my fondness for sarcasm and snark, but instead their opinion of my state of mind is thanks to my not enjoying the wonders of being a parent. That’d be fine and could easily be filed under Things Breeders Just Don’t Get if not for my gay friends who have decided to have rug rats of their own. I’m all for marriage equality, but that doesn’t mean we have to emulate everything that straight people do. We’re supposed to be smarter than that.

But it seems ever since gay celebrity couples started having designer babies, it’s the thing to do. I guess for those who need a mate to complete them, a handful of offspring means they’ll be even more fulfilled. Even if that does mean being surrounded by full diapers. I get the procreation thing, but it’s the journey and not the destination that makes me happy. Am I missing something here? Are children the path to true happiness? Even if you are not a fan of Sunee Plaza?

Yup, smells like science to me.

It’s always nice when the scientific community backs up one of your cherished beliefs. Not that if you live in Tennessee you’d know anything about that. Thanks to a new study by Carsten Grimm from the University of Canterbury in New Zealand, we now know having kids really isn’t all that. At least when it comes to being happy. In fact, most people rated getting drunk higher on their personal happiness scale than they did having kids. Though I suspect the latter could easily lead to the need of the former.

Making babies ranks high on the scale of things that make you happy. Having a baby, not so much.

Grimm, a psychology researcher with the university asked study participants to rank 30 typical activities in terms of four different qualities: pleasure, meaning, engagement, and happiness. Sex came out on top in terms of happiness. Even among bottoms. Caring for the brats they mistakenly had came in at #5. Even God brought more people happiness; meditating and religion came in at the #4 spot.

“Psychologists have proposed that individuals may seek to increase their well-being through three main behavioral orientations; via pleasure, via engagement, and via meaning,” says Grimm. “Endorsing pleasure as a way to happiness means you enjoy ‘eating dessert first’ or you focus on feeling good and enjoying sensory pleasures,” he added. “Engagement is what you experience when you’re totally absorbed in what you’re doing; either skiing down a hill or being immersed in your work. People call this experience a state of ‘flow’ and this may be a dominant orientation to happiness for some people.”

Whether your personal pursuit of happiness is through pleasure, engagement, or a life filled with meaning, study participants all agreed on one thing: sex is the way to go. Making love topped all four lists. And I’d agree. I’ve had a lot of meaningful sex in my life. And it always puts a smile on my face.

But not all activities that bring you pleasure also score high on the other scales. For example, using Facebook ranked 30th in terms of meaning. Though I suppose if you are stroking it over a picture you saw on Facebook that would raise its overall score. And while sex is the end all regardless of its basis in pursuits, if you had to resort to texting to get laid your overall happiness level suffers; it came in as the fifth worst-ranked activity in both meaning and engagement.

Happiness defined.

The trick says Grimm is to do those things that bring you the greatest amount of happiness, engagement, and meaning in order to have a life of fulfillment. “Those who tend to be high on all orientations to happiness not only score high on life satisfaction, they also tend to have higher experiences of pleasure, meaning, engagement and happiness in their daily lives. This means that being able to seek happiness in different ways may enrich your everyday experience and increase your overall well-being,” he says.

Not that science has all of the answers. The pursuit of happiness is what Pattaya sexpats are all about. Even if they do tend to be a miserable lot. But then according to Grimm, that’s because while pleasure is near and dear to their hearts, activities with meaning and those that engage are of little interest. Unless it’s about meaning to engage a moneyboy at the beach. Still, even if not living a fulfilled life, the sexpat population should be happy; they do tend to fully engage in the top nine activities that the majority of Grimm’s study participants indicated as bringing them happiness:

1: Sex: It’s what puts the Pattaya in sexpat.

2: Drinking Alcohol: Hello?

3: Volunteering: Did you ever wonder why there are so many children-related ‘charities’ indulged in by Pattaya’s sexpat population? (See #1 and #5.)

4: Meditating or Prayer: And what sexpat doesn’t pray daily that the $20 his budget allows will get him both drunk and laid?

5: Caring For or Playing with Children: Isn’t that what Sunee Plaza is all about?

6: Listening to Music: Especially when accompanied by naked dancing boys.

7: Socializing: Or as Pattaya Sexpats refer to it: drinking.

8: Hobbies: See #1, #2, and #3.

9: Shopping: See #1.

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That's Gay

Why is it that the bottom of the glass makes the bottom of the barrel look so much better?

Here’s a news flash: I’m not a fan of Pattaya. I know, hard to believe. But it’s true. You’d think that would be thanks to being exposed to the mental pathology of the city’s sexpats who live their miserable lives out on the gay Thailand message boards (which would certainly be reason enough) but my opinion is based on a singular visit to Sodom By The Sea and its bar boys. Who were all generally too young, too scrawny, too malnourished, and should have been paying me to have sex with them. It was like walking into a living UNICEF Save A Starving Child For 25 Cents A Day commercial. I’ve seen soi dogs with more sex appeal. And I never even bothered hitting Sunee Plaza where the boys really are boys.

I get that it takes all kinds, and that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. But personal taste in men aside, ugly is still ugly no matter how you cut it. Even in a buyer’s market where cut-rate prices rule the day, there should still be some appeal to the product. Other than young.

We’ve all experienced waking up to a hangover and to a guy we picked up at the bar the night before only to wonder if someone was pulling a practical joke. Granted many of Pattaya’s sexpats are myopic, but is it that they are also totally blind? Or is it that they are so ecstatic over scoring dick they don’t care what it’s attached to? When you are existing on a poverty line budget is scrapping the bottom of the barrel your only choice? Or in Pattaya does the look of your bank account matter more than the look of the guy you scraped enough money together to buy?

It must be those few pints you just downed that make the boys of Sunee Plaza look so hot.

Yup, smells like science to me.

It could be that it is not so much about beauty being in the eye of the beholder, but its perception in the eye of the beer holder. Beer Goggles, the phenomenon that occurs when someone’s had a few too many alcoholic drinks and suddenly all of the Gollum look-alike bar boys who looked ragged on entering the bar look really, really appealing, might be at fault. Now scientists have shown that it’s not just a lowering of your boytoy standards – alcohol actually stimulates the part of your brain that judges facial attractiveness. It’s not him, it’s the gin.

Researchers at St. Andrews University and Glasgow University in Scotland determined that drunk people’s opinion on the attractiveness of strangers is less judgemental than those who are sober, proving the more you drink the more okay looking that bar boy becomes. They surveyed a group of 80 volunteers, having half of them drink between one and four servings of booze – depending on gender and body weight – with the other half remaining sober. Showing each group a series of pictures of strangers, the drunk volunteers rated each picture an average of 25 percent more attractive than the sober group did.

The beer goggle effect is linked to the nucleus accumbens area of your brain. It’s the area of your brain that decides how attractive that bar boy’s face is. If he is a hottie sans a few pints, your brain experiences increased neural firing. In other words, it’s stimulated. And so are you. As it turns out, alcohol, all by itself, stimulates the nucleus accumbens too. So when you’ve had a few drinks, and you look at a bar boy you may have decided was butt-ugly when you were sober, your brain – under the influence of alcohol – tells you that the little urchin is in fact somewhat attractive. And the increase in perceived attractive seems to be directly proportional to the amount of alcohol you have consumed. So drinking less can not only save you on booze costs, it can save you from waking up next to a creature whom you wouldn’t wish on LMTU. Or worse yet, waking up next to a creature that LMTU already infected.

This is your brain on alcohol. Or at least what your brain tells you is attractive.

Yup, too may bottoms up directly results in accepting the bottom of the barrel of available bar boys. In a more recent study, this one conducted by researchers at England’s Manchester University, scientists actually came up with a mathematical formula to calculate the extent of the beer goggle effect on any given individual in any given situation. They found that alcohol alone is not the only factor affecting the drunken perception of beauty. Other factors, according to their research, include:

· How brightly lit the area is, which explains why those bars are so dark;
· The observer’s eyesight quality, which explains why those with thick lenses drool over the ugliest bar boys;
· The amount of smoke in the air; which explains why bar owners don’t listen to your whining about smoking in their bar; and,
· The distance of the observer from the observed – Yup, sitting at the foot of the stage probably means you’ll be going home alone. You lucky dog.

The formula looks like this:

Who knew you could mathematically quantify ugliness?

Which would make more sense to you if you weren’t so drunk and busy trying to not retch from looking at that hottie laying next to you who is really a nottie but looks instead like an extra from The Night of the Living Dead. Not that your sorry ass is anything to brag about either. Despite what you may think. Because the scientific world has determined that the beer goggle effect also works in reverse. The more men drink, they more likely they are to think of themselves as the next Brad Pitt.

According to a study of 4,000 people by the charity Cancer Research UK, a third of men think of themselves as more attractive when they’ve been drinking alcohol. But only one in eight of those looking at you agrees. Ouch. Maybe they need a few more drinks.

Thirty-five percent of the men studied rated themselves as more attractive after a drink or two, proving the beer goggle effect is just as disastrous for self-reflection. Worse yet, almost a quarter of men believe they’re better in bed after imbibing. But 50% of their partners say that just ain’t true. Though most bar boys hope their customers keep ordering more and more drinks. But that’s not because they think you’ll be a better lay, it’s in hope you’ll quickly pass out once the two of you are back in your room.

35% of the men rate themselves as more attractive after a drink or two. 100% of bar boys disagree. Even when they themselves are drunk.

According to the study, 43% of men also seem to think that booze makes them funnier and better on the dance floor. But while the former may be true – drunk sexpats are always good for a laugh – all it takes is one visit to a local night club to watch the ancient sexpats shimmying their wrinkles on the dance floor to prove the latter is as delusional as the rest of their lives are. Though watching an octogenarian boogie his ass off can also be quite humorous.

Close to a third of the men participating in the research said they are more likely to get lucky when their nerves are fortified by alcohol, though in Pattaya that luck has more to do with how drunk your wallet is. And a whopping 28% of the study volunteers confessed that alcohol makes them do things they later regret. Like offing an ugly bar boy in Pattaya.

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Gay GoGo Bars

The way to a man’s heart is not in fact through his stomach.

“I lie you.”

As well-used as a come-on as that popular Thai bar boy phrase is, on a scale of 1 to 10 in believability it rates around a -20.

“You hansum man!”

There’s a reason those platitudes whispered in your ear are called sweet nothings. Because there is nothing in the world that’d convince you that anyone would still consider your tired looking ass the least bit attractive, much less handsome. Even as much as you’d like to believe that study little devil thinks you’re okay looking, the mirror on the wall of the bar proves otherwise. Unless you have blinders on. Which should be passed out in Thailand’s gay gogo bars just as readily as 3D glasses are at the movie theaters these days.

Flattery, as insincere as it is, is the stock in trade of bar boys trolling for their night’s meal ticket. It’s difficult to believe that even they expect the aging farang they’re cooing at to take their comments seriously. Or so you’d think. The results say differently. The smiles on the faces of those who have just been told how handsome, strong, and desirable they are would lead you to believe ‘I lie you’ must be the gods’ honest truth.

Are we really that pathetic that we’d believe the adoring crap bar boys try to feed us? Are the customers at Thailand gay gogo bars so delusional they really think those young studs find them attractive? Do they have such a slim grasp on reality that insincere flattery actually works?

But he said I was a handsome man!

Yup, smells like science to me.
‘Cuz it can’t be the bullshit the bar boys are shovelling out that’s responsible for that odor.

Despite already knowing the answer, women all over the world routinely turn to their mates for affirmation of what they don’t really believe themselves. And the men of the world know that unless they are interested in a divorce or having their dick cut off in the middle of the night the only acceptable answer is, “No honey, those pants don’t make your ass look fat.” Even while they are thinking, “Levi Strauss is not to blame for your gargantuan backside, the fault for that lays squarely on the shoulders of all that Haagen Dazs you’ve been grazing on.” As nice as it would be to think only women with their inferior intellect are suspectable to insincere compliments, men too are more than willing to believe the unbelievable when it paints them in a good light. Or allows them to think that hot young thang is gonna actually enjoy what they’re about to put him through.

We do, however, tend to discount those compliments when we know the person flattering us is after something. Ulterior motives are always suspicious. Though we may be vain, we are not stupid. But according to research done by professors of marketing Elaine Chan and Jaideep Sengupta at the Hong Kong University of Science and Technology, it’s not vanity that makes us an easy mark. It’s that we are needy. Their study shows that being driven by the need for validation, even though we may consciously discount blatantly insincere compliments, our unconscious mind laps that crap up. They say most people prefer any form of recognition over no recognition at all.

Cha-Ching!

Safe sex in a gogo bar isn’t always about using a condom.

Conducting a trio of studies, the professors examined how flattery affects our decision-making. In their primary study, participants were shown a flyer from a clothing store that complimented them for being stylish and chic. Participants knew perfectly well the compliment wasn’t aimed specifically at them, and the ulterior motive was plain – the leaflet contained a message asking them to shop at the store. There was nothing subtle about the attempt to flatter, much like a bar boy cooing in your ear, the obviousness was way over the top.

On a conscious level, the participants discounted the value of the compliment because of its ulterior motive. However, the results showed that even after discounting, the initial positive reaction to the flattering message dis not get wiped out; instead, it coexisted with the discounted evaluation; even when participants were consciously aware of the fact they were being flattered insincerely. In the study, participants still chose the store that complimented them over a business that did not. Maybe Van Gogh had it right but just didn’t go far enough. Chan and Sengupta’s findings suggest that flattery has an insidious ability to pierce through the conscious mind and into the unconscious, where it creates persistent feelings that could affect the outcome of all kinds of activities. Some of which could be detrimental to the health of your wallet.

In the third part of their study, the professors wanted to determine if some people are more suspectable to bullshit than others. Big surprise, some are: the more needy among us. Using a fresh batch of participants they divided the group into thirds. Prior to showing them the same flyer filled with insincere flattery, they had 1/3 of the group write out all the good things they could think about themselves, an affirmation of their positive attributes. Another third of the group were asked to write down a list of their negative personality traits, and the remainder were just given the flyer, to act as a test group. The results of that study showed those who had thought nice things about themselves were the least likely to be persuaded by insincere flattery, while those who had just dwelled on their negative traits fell for the bull hook, line, and sinker.

I feel pretty, oh so pretty!

Even the most hardened heart, clogged by a diet of fatty fried foods, can’t help but be swayed by the sweet compliments Thai bar boys pass out with abandon. That doesn’t mean your wallet has to suffer the insidious effects of insincere flattery. Sure taking a shower and changing out of your soiled, too tight T-shirt before heading off to a night at the gogo bars will help increase your chances of scoring one of the hotter working guys, but the work done by Chan and Sengupta suggests you’d be much better off by thinking a few good thoughts about yourself first. For some, trying to come up with those affirmations, however, might be a problem.

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Gay Thailand

Thailand sexpats may need a bit of help to put a smile on their face.

You’d think a room full of naked young men would be something to smile about. You’d think a bunch of hot bodies displaying hard cock would chase anyone’s blues away. But just for a minute pull your eyes away from the naked guys having sex on the stage at a gogo bar in Thailand and check out the faces of your fellow bar-goers and you’d think you’d got it wrong. Evidently the correct facial response is to look like you need to pass gas. But forgot how. Throw in the non-stop whining by sexpats over drink prices, the rising cost of bar boy tips, boys who perform badly, smoking, and loud music and you’ll start wondering why in the hell Thailand is known as the Land of Smiles.

The disenfranchised elderly who frequently visit Thailand or who decided to spend their golden years living there in search of a sex life can be a miserable bunch. Remember that old song that goes “when you’re smiling, the whole world smiles with you?” Well in Thailand’s gay ghettos populated by ancient farang they’re all about turning that smile upside down. Misery loves company is a much more popular mantra. If a ready source of young nubile men isn’t enough to make you happy, is there any hope? When a happy ending is just around the corner nightly, shouldn’t that be enough to alleviate your grumpy old man complex? Are we all doomed to spending our golden years looking like the blue bird of happiness just shat on our heads?

Yup. Smells like science to me.

In Pattaya it’s not who has the biggest dick that puts a smile on sexpat faces.

The facial feedback hypothesis has been a well-established part of psychological therapy for years. It says that our emotions are reinforced and perhaps even driven by corresponding facial expressions. Scientists have long believed that if we force a smile on our face when we’re down, we will actually start to feel happier. And people will stop avoiding us. A glorious smile may even induce a bar’s boys to stop playing with their cell phons for a minute. A recent study done at the University of Cardiff in Wales backs up this theory. And may have discovered the answer to putting a smile on Thailand’s sexpat population’s faces: Botox.

The study, published in the Journal of Cosmetic Dermatology, found that people whose ability to frown is compromised by cosmetic botox injections are happier, on average, than people who can frown. The researchers administered an anxiety and depression questionnaire to participants, half of whom had received frown-inhibiting botox injections. The botox recipients reported feeling happier and less anxious in general. More important, they did not report feeling any more attractive, which suggests that the emotional effects were not driven by a psychological boost that could come from the treatment’s cosmetic nature. That also suggests that despite what Joan Rivers may think, injecting Botulinum toxin into your face does not make you any better looking – though it may cause laughter in other people who see the results.

But then since we’re trying to put a smile on the faces of sexpats here, and not trying to do something about how hideous and generally ridiculous they often look, let’s stick to smile therapy. Part of the problem in attempting to bring the look of happiness to Thailand’s sexpat community is that many farang underestimated living expenses and can barely afford a night out with a bar boy, much less costly Botox treatments. But research suggests that it may not be necessary for every grumpy sexpat to pony up to have a toxic substance injected into their face. It’s possible the destitute could ban together and pay for treatments for just one of their buddies.

“I’m so happy to be in Pattaya.”

Research done by Dr. Eric Finzi, a cosmetic surgeon in Maryland who injected Botox into frown lines around the mouth or in the forehead furrows of clinically depressed patients, found the treatment eliminated depression symptoms in nine out of 10 patients, and reduced symptoms in the 10th. At the same time, Finzi’s results showed – using the facial-feedback hypothesis – that when a depressed person can’t frown because of Botox treatments, then others won’t frown back at them.

Part of Finzi’s study showed that a depressed, grumpy person frowning at others results in those people frowning back at them, which further deepens that miserable person’s sense of depression and unhappiness. That’s known as a feedback loop and shows that frowns, like smiles (and like LMTU) are infectious. A side benefit is that Botox also inhibits sweating, and that too can make those around you a bit more happy about your presence. And that’s something to smile about.

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How could you ever doubt the word, or face, of such an obvious angel?

“You hansum man!”

“I lub you!”

“My buffalo die.”

Ahhh the courtship ritual between a Thai bar boy and an elderly farang is a wondrous thing. Wondrous because despite all the warnings, farang still fall madly in love with Thai bar boys. Everyone knows the old adage: ‘If something sounds too good to be true, then it probably is.’ And a hot, fit, twenty-something guy falling madly in love with your senior citizen body certainly qualifies as sounding too good. Yet older visitors to Thailand continue to fall in love with the young guys who profess their love for them. Are they that desperate for companionship? Is it a case of suspending disbelief out of loneliness? A willingness to pay for fantasy? The dementia associated with old-age finally kicking in? Or just one the dangers of letting your little head take over from you big head, regardless of age? Why do so many elderly visitors to Thailand not realize that is not a look of love, but a trained eye sizing up the depth of their wallet?

Yup, smells like science to me.

It’s not earth shattering news that the elderly are prone to falling for scams and are ripe for being duped. There are specific laws on the books dealing with those who scam old folk, government sponsored outreach programs to help the old farts who have fallen victim to a scam, and a vast network of both con men and business people who make their living from pulling a fast one on senior citizens. Most assume the elderly are susceptible due to their advanced aged and corresponding diminished mental capabilities. But even the sharpest old coots can and are swindled daily. Now new research shows its not so much about the slowing of ones wits, but rather that age-related changes in the brain make it harder to detect suspicious body language and other warning signs that people may be untrustworthy.

It’s not that aging sex touri are too dense to know the bar boy they just met really doesn’t love them, but that they are no longer as capable of determining when they are being lied to. Even when the bar boy tells them so, starting off with the frequently heard mating call of, “I lie you!”

It must be love, because what bar boy wouldn’t fall head over heels for him?

Funded by the National Institute on Aging, a new study led by Shelley Taylor, a professor of psychology at UCLA, has found that older people, more often than younger adults, fail to interpret an untrustworthy face as potentially dishonest. Taylor and her team conducted two studies. In the first, 119 adults ages 55 to 84 and 24 younger adults looked at 30 photographs of faces and rated them on how trustworthy and approachable they appeared. The faces were intentionally selected to look trustworthy, neutral, or untrustworthy, based on known signs of deceit, such as eyes being averted downward.

The researchers studied the response in the anterior insula of the brain, the portion of the brain used for assessing risk. “It’s the area of the brain that gives you the gut feeling that something is not right here,” says Taylor. The younger adults’ bullshit meters pinged when they were viewing the untrustworthy faces. The older adults displayed very little activity in the risk assessment areas of their brains when viewing the same photographs. “We wanted to find out whether there are differences in how the brain reacts to these faces, and the answer is yes, there are,” Taylor said. “The response is much more muted among the older adults.”

Both the young and elderly subjects reacted similarly to the trustworthy faces and to the neutral faces. However, when viewing the untrustworthy faces, the younger adults reacted strongly, while the older adults did not. The older adults saw the faces as more trustworthy. And were more willing to rate them as being honest.

The second study Taylor’s group performed was conducted at UCLA’s brain mapping center, where participants got functional magnetic resonance imaging brain scans while looking at the faces. And again, in younger subjects brain activity in the anterior insula region was high while in the brains of the older test subjects little if any activity was mapped. Taylor says that older adults have a diminished ability to process negative stimuli which can lead to a sense of improved well-being, a benefit to the elderly, but when it comes to knowing whether to trust someone, it causes nothing but trouble.

Recent research shows the elderly are less capable of determining when trouble is staring them in the face.

A 2009 study conducted for the National Institute of Justice concluded that nearly 12 percent of Americans 60 and older had been exploited financially by a family member or a stranger. Insurance company MetLife Inc. reported last year that the estimated annual loss by victims of elder financial abuse was $2.9 billion. That’s a lot of water buffaloes. As with Taylor’s more recent work, the study done in 2009 by neurology and psychology professor Daniel Tranel and Natalie Denburg, assistant professor in neurology at the University of Iowa found that older people are less capable of identifying deceit and once again traced the failing to the same general region of the brain. Which is often failing in the elderly.

In the Iowa study, the researchers used participants who had suffered damage to their ventromedial prefrontal cortex – the area of the brain that controls belief and doubt – others with damage outside of it, and patients with no brain damage. Subjects were shown ads that were similar to ones the Federal Trade Commission deemed misleading to see whether they’d believe what they were being sold. The researchers found that patients with damage to the ventromedial prefrontal cortex were roughly twice as likely to believe a false ad, even when given disclaimer information that made it pretty clear that it was misleading. And, they were more likely to buy the item too.

“Behaviorally, they failed the test to the greatest extent,” reported Denburg. “They believed the ads the most, and they demonstrated the highest purchase intention. Taken together, it makes them the most vulnerable to being deceived.”

Apart from being damaged, the ventromedial prefrontal cortex begins to deteriorate as people reach age 60, although the onset and the pace of deterioration varies. “The more worn down it is, the less able we are to detect if something is a scam, even if it’s staring us right in our face,” says Professor Tranel, adding that even undamaged brains in the elderly show marked deterioration of the ventromedial prefrontal cortex.

The look of love?

Tranel thinks the finding will enable doctors, caregivers, and relatives to be more understanding of the bad decision making by the elderly. “Instead of saying, ‘How would you do something silly and transparently stupid,’ people may have a better appreciation of the fact that older people have lost the biological mechanism that allows them to see the disadvantageous nature of their decisions,” he says pointing out that his research explains why highly intelligent elderly people can fall victim to seemingly obvious fraud schemes.

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This Is Your Brain On The Internet

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And More!

You are probably a much smarter, active, and engaged human being thanks to reading my blog, at least on Saturdays when I provide links to all the news and stories that really matter for the week. (And I really need to get around to adding a Paypal ‘Donate’ button to my home page so that you can show your appreciation). The Information Highway was once lauded as a great boon to mankind. The mass of data available at our fingertips would surely make us all if not smarter at least more knowledgeable human beings. And then they started posting pictures of cute kittens on the Web. That quickly changed the hue and cry to how dangerous our surfing habits had become. Turning from real human interaction to social media, a sedentary instead of active lifestyle, the naysayers quickly began pointing out that the internet had doomed us as a species.

It’s hard to believe with Wikipedia providing what once required a trip to the local library, with instantaneous updates to the important news stories of the day – like that John Travolta just got sued again for satisfying his gay urges – and with every type of porn know to man just a click or two away, that the internet could be bad for you. Who needs real friends when you have 5,438 on Facebook anyway?

But could it be that the partypoopers were right? Is surfing the internet turning us all into social misfits? Does spending six hours sitting in front of your computer every day lead to health problems and an advance risk of heart attack? Are we busy updating our Facebook page status when we should be updating our exercise regime instead? Is Google really a part of an alien plot to take over the earth?

Yup, smells like science to me.
Or I think it does. Give me a minute and let me Google it.

Brain scans showing activity when reading a book on the left and while surfing the internet on the right. I assume if you were surfing for porn the whole thing would be red.

It may be more healthy for the children of the world to go outside and play a game of tag than hide out in their bedroom surfing all of the porn sites their parents think they’ve blocked, but according to scientists at UCLA, for computer-savvy middle-aged and older adults, searching the Internet helps stimulate and improve brain function. Not to mention the other parts of your body that can be stimulated if it is porn you are searching for.

The research by Dr. Gary Small, a professor at the Semel Institute for Neuroscience and Human Behavior and author of the book iBrain: Surviving the Technological Alteration of the Modern Mind, is the first of its kind to assess the impact of internet searching on the aging brain. His study shows that routine use of the ‘net triggers key centers in the brain that control decision-making and complex reasoning. “Everyday tasks like searching the Web appears to enhance brain circuitry in older adults, demonstrating that our brains are sensitive and can continue to learn as we grow older,” says Small.

While Small’s work does little to explain the diminished mental capacity of, for example an aging queen who lives in Scotland and spends far too much of his time posting on the gay Thailand message boards, his study did find a difference between the benefits of surfing the internet for those who were computer savvy and those old farts who had still not mastered the use of a mouse. Using functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) to scan the study’s subjects’ brains – a group of volunteers between the ages of 55 and 76 – researchers found that the brains of the Web-savvy group reflected about twice as much activity compared to the brains of those who were not Web-savvy. But in both types of subjects, performing internet searches resulted in higher amounts of brain activity than did reading a book.

Dr. Small said the minimal brain activation shown by the less experienced Internet users may be due to the fact that it was a new experience, and the Web users weren’t yet adept at clicking around and making choices. It could also be that the first photo of a hot naked man that appeared on their computer screen left them stunned and unable to search further.

Dr., Small said that young people born into a world of laptops and cell phones, text messaging and twittering – or Digital Natives as he calls them – spend an average of 8 1/2 hours each day exposed to digital technology. This exposure is rewiring their brain’s neural circuitry, heightening skills like multi-tasking, complex reasoning, and decision-making.

Digital immigrants, the old farts on the opposite end of the spectrum who were born into a world of pocket calendars you penciled dates into and letters that got sent in the mail, have to work hard to embrace technology without the already-developed brain form and function. “These findings hold promise for older peoples’ potential for enhancing their brain power through the use of technology,” said Small.

The good doctor has obviously not experienced what the aging sexpat population of Pattaya use the internet for, or he would not be quite so positive about the affect internet use can have on the elderly.

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Shock therapy: It’s not just for treating your big head anymore.

Keeping in mind that it wasn’t that many years ago (well, at least at your age) that the medical profession was practiced by barbers, who frequently performed surgery, extracted teeth and engaged in bloodletting – in fact the red and white colors of the traditional barber pole symbolize blood and bandages – that such Frankensteinian procedures like lobotomies and electric shock therapy have been considered acceptable cures should come as no surprise. That in today’s world of advanced technology that procedures like electric shock therapy are not only still employed, but on the rise, may be surprising especially in light of the requirement of patient’s consent, but then perhaps not since all of those people are crazy anyway.

The idea of treating mental illness with electroshock therapy was the brainstorm of Italian psychiatrist Ugo Cerletti, who while in 1938 was observing the barbaric act of slaughterhouse pigs being electrocuted into unconsciousness to make it less difficult for workers to slit their throats, naturally thought that was a wonderful idea that could be applied to the treatment of mental illnesses in human beings. It wasn’t long before doctors all over the world were zapping patients’ heads, often in regimens that required more than 100 treatments (electricity was much cheaper in those days). It was the go-to treatment for whatever ailed ya, including depression, mania, schizophrenia and even homosexuality and truancy. Because no one likes a depressed gay truant.

Electroshock therapy continued as a favorite medical pastime until the mid 1970s release of the iconic movie One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest. Jack Nicholson’s wide-eyed, crazy as a fucking loon face – which we later learned is Jack’s normal look – was a more convincing argument against the use of electroshock therapy to the American public than the medical profession’s argument for, and its use as an acceptable treatment therapy got a few jolts of 220 juice itself, almost disappearing from the field of quackery.

Jack Nicholson, the poster child for electroshock therapy for both the mentally ill and blatantly gay.

Jack’s appearance in The Shining several years later showed the effects of electroshock therapy were not long lasting as everyone had thought, and its use by medical scientists began to revive. Where once it was used to punish and subdue patients in psychiatric hospitals, it became to be viewed as being a kinder and more gentle approach to treating mental disorders and with the tremendous increase in treating mental illness with medication electroshock therapy was allowed to come out of the closet, and made a big comeback. By the late 1990s there were more electroshock therapy procedures being performed annually than tonsillectomies.

Break throughs in medical science have always been thanks to inquiring minds. The ponderable ‘what if?s’ when answered through trial and Dr. Moreau-like experiments have been responsible for modern day medical wonders like heart transplants, gastric by pass procedures, and Honey Boo Boo (I’m guessing on that one, but there has to be some rational explanation for that southern-baked phenomenon). If in fact electroshock therapy is a beneficial treatment for mental disorders, surely that science could be applied to other ailments. And as interesting as it may be to consider electroshock therapy treatment for, say, Tennis Elbow, the all more important question is: If your big head improves from electroshock therapy treatments, then what about the all more important little one? Can electroshock therapy be used to improve the performance of your best buddy? Or is that a fetish best left to the professionals?

Yup. Smells like science to me.

Now you too can plug in to erectile dysfunction relief.

Doctors outside of the psychiatric field were bummed out that they too couldn’t zap their patients and their disgruntlement came to a head when the fun and joy of coursing thousands of volts of electricity through a fellow human being became SOP for police departments around the world with the invention of the taser. Not satisfied with treating those who had been tasered, the medical profession began looking at new and innovative ways of using electricity to make their patients do the funky chicken. In retrospect, since electroshock therapy had been a favorite treatment for curing homosexuality for decades, it’s use on gay men’s favorite body part just seems a natural.

Thanks to Ilan Gruenwald, associate director of the neuro-urology unit at the Rambam Medical Center in Haifa, Israel, we now have proof that a few well-applied shocks to the penis may help those men who suffer from erectile dysfunction. Gruenwald and his team studied the effects of treatments on a pool of patients whose average age was 61 and who suffered from extreme erectile dysfunction (not that any erectile dysfunction isn’t extreme when it is your little friend who is involved). Participants underwent 12 shock treatments over nine weeks. On average, those receiving the shock therapy started to see a benefit three weeks after treatment and continued to see improvements two months after the treatment had stopped. Close to 30 percent of the patents achieved normal sexual function (i.e. a stiffy) and no longer required medications.

Now before you start thinking that applied just a few inches lower that little treatment has been a favorite of torturers and their battery clamps for decades, treatment for those who lack wood is done with soundwaves rather than electricity. It’s called extracorporeal shock wave therapy and it is a best buddy treatment spin-off from the traditional use of pulverizing kidney stones. Or as Dr. Andrew Kramer, a urologist at the University of Maryland Medical Center – who makes it clear he was not involved in the study – puts it, “It’s like saying, take your penis and hit it with a hammer a couple of times.”

Shock therapy could mean it’s not only your hair that will stand on end.

Gruenwald is quick to point out that his treatment is for men for whom other, more traditional boner treatments – like the little blue pill – don’t work. In fact, to achieve a state of lift off after receiving extracorporeal shock wave therapy, the use of standard erectile dysfunction medicines is still required. Which just goes to show you the lengths some men will go through to achieve length.

That Gruenwald chose to use sound waves in lieu of electricity in his novel treatment for lack of wood does not mean others have bypassed the more traditional use of voltage to cure problems of the penis. In light of presidential candidate Mitt For Brains Romney’s adherence to the Mormon gods (or if you are reading this after November 6th, ‘former presidential candidate Mitt For Brains Romney’s adherence to the Mormon gods’) it is interesting to note that his faith has placed great faith in the use of electroshock therapy to cure homosexuality among its membership.

John Cameron, who decided to become a former Mormon instead of a former gay, says he volunteered to be part of a study of “electric aversion therapy” at Utah’s Brigham Young University, which is owned by the Mormon Church. Twice a week for six months, he jolted himself with painful shocks to the penis to rid himself of his attraction to men.
Cameron enrolled with 13 other willing subjects, all Mormons who thought they might be gay, for a three- to six-month course of therapy during which a mercury-filled tube was placed around the base of his penis to measure the level of stimulation he experienced when viewing nude images of men and women. Shocks, given in three 10-second intervals, were then administered in conjunction with images of men. Participants set their own pain levels. Cameron said his shame was so deep, and his faith so great, that he selected the highest level.

The Mormon Church’s answer to homosexuality is not god’s love, but rather a few thousand volts of electricity.

“I was very, very religious and the Mormon church was the center of my life,” said Cameron, who had done missionary work in Guatemala and El Salvador. “As teens we were taught that homosexuality was second only to murder in the eyes of God,” he said.

The church deemed Cameron’s treatment a success; he says he was desperate enough to believe the therapy worked. But he said in reality it only pushed him deeper and deeper into his own closet. Cameron said he bought razor blades and contemplated suicide, but never had the courage to kill himself. He eventually left the church. Today, he says his demons and the dictates of his former religion have finally been purged; he lives a happy and well-adjusted life as an openly gay man.

Carri P. Jenkins, assistant to the president of BYU, confirmed that the university did study the effects of aversion therapy as an experiment that was an outgrowth of the behaviorist movement, which believed that any behavior could be modified. “Our understanding is that most behaviorists no longer believe this is an appropriate treatment for those who are seeking change,” she said.

Church officials say they no longer support aversion therapy, that their beliefs have evolved with time much in the same way the church no longer preaches that being black is the mark of Cain. However, today, the church still steadfastly opposes homosexuality, as witnessed by the millions of dollars in support it gave to pass California’s Proposition 8, which would amend the state’s constitution to outlaw gay marriage.

Do you really need to plug in your gaydar to know if this man is gay or not?

Note that neither the Romney family nor the church has commented on whether or not Romney’s youngest son Craig, who is widely rumored to be a sufferer of homosexuality, has received electroshock therapy or not.

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Last year I published a post about a study out of UC Berkeley that concluded men whose ring finger was longer than their index finger were probably gay. The urology department of Gachon University Gil Hospital in Incheon, Korea has expanded that research and found not only does that mean you are gay, but are popular too. According to results published in the Asian Journal of Andrology, their study shows the shorter index finger than ring finger you have, the bigger your penis is.

We’ll wait while you check.

Uh, no: your finger and dick. Not his.

Tae Beom Kim and his colleagues at the South Korean university measured the penises and hands of 144 men under anesthesia. Whether that meant they snuck in to do so while the patients were already out, or being Koren anesthetized them to take the measurements was not established. The researchers charted the measurements of the right hands of patients – who were Korean men aged 20 and older – and each man’s fully stretched, flaccid penis (that stretching out a guy’s flaccid penis would definitely be a Korean thing). Kim says they found, “the shorter index (second) finger than ring (fourth) finger you have, the longer stretched penile length you have.”

SM practices aside, the results of the study should mean that you can gauge the size of a man’s dick by carefully studying his hands. Or at least you’ll know how big his dick will be when you are pulling on it.

If your index finger is longer than your ring finger, don’t fret (though if they are of equal length you may want to Google ‘lesbian’). Yes, you may have a small ring finger and a small penis, but researchers at Britain’s Warwick University and the Institute of Cancer Researcher found that men whose index finger is longer than their ring finger were one-third less likely to develop prostate cancer than men with the opposite pattern of finger length. Life is full of such trade-offs. As well as far too many scientists studying finger length in men.

Of course everyone knows its not about size but rather what you do with it. So maybe it’s time for you to get your hands busy.

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