Eating Right: Rules To Dine By

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Stupid Tourist Tricks

Wen’s been bugging me to do a post on street food for the newbie, but before you learn to run you need to learn to walk (though admittedly for some of your timid tummies it’s probably best you are adept at running before you try eating food from a street cart in Thailand). The less generous of you might consider the entire purpose of this post to be nothing more than an excuse to post some hot male flesh with food pix, but I’m good with that. Either way it’s a quick and easy article that will allow me to get back to my true passion in life: hot male flesh. Or food. Or eating hot male flesh.

We all – or most of us – have been taught polite dinner table manners; that it’s rude to rest your elbows on the table, that you shouldn’t chew with your mouth open, and for the more advanced among us, which fork or spoon to use with which course. My parents also taught me not to hide my unwanted lima beans in my brothers’ glass of milk. But I think that one was a specific rule directed toward me.

The table manners we learned as children and hopefully refined as young adults generally serve us well. Until you wind up somewhere where those rules fly out the window to be replaced by a set of rules completely foreign to you. In some countries burping after a meal is a sign that you were both well fed and enjoyed the meal. My parents scolded me for that one too. But watching the lima bean/milk mixture spurt out of my brothers’ nose when I let a loud belch rip was always worth the reprimand.

I learned early when I moved to Hawaii that it is considered both rude and bad luck to stick your chopsticks into your rice like you are planting a flag, a rule shared by many Asian cultures. Among the Inuit people of Canada, farting after a meal is an expression of thanks and appreciation (whereas the same gesture in Mexico is just considered an unavoidable part of life). Someone told me that it’s rude in France to use a knife to cut the lettuce in your salad. It seems every country or area of the world has their own little idiosyncrasies when it comes to what is and what is not considered to be polite while dining. And Thailand is no exception.

Short of belching after a meal while mumbling something about the royal family, Thais will generally forgive you for poor manners at the dining table. They consider Westerners much the same as a small child and rather than take offense, excuse us for being the ignorant fools that we are. It really isn’t a bad rep to have, you can get away with murder (actually you can get away with murder in Thailand, but that’s a different post). For those of you who would prefer to blend in rather than stand out in your farang-ness, here are a few tips on the intricacies of dining in Thailand, though it’s more about how than why your fellow diners are laughing at you:

Thai people eat constantly, or so it seems. The norm here is numerous small meals throughout the day rather than the three square meals you are probably used to. Not a bad routine to adopt on your visit; you will always be full, you’ll get to try more dishes, and you won’t cause a minor traffic jam of locals gawking at the weird American whose table is laden with enough food to feed a small family of twelve for the week. The downside? As a fellow traveller once said: “One fart and you’re hungry again.”

Okay, so pretend you have some cultural sense: Do not ask for chopsticks to eat Thai cuisine. Only a few Thai dishes are eaten with chopsticks, in which case they’ll be provided. The standard utensils in Thailand are a fork and a spoon.

Most Thai dining is done family style. That means all of the dishes are placed in the middle of the table and everyone helps themselves. It’s about sharing, not about being your piggy little self. So to do it right, you and your mate and/or friends can all order a dish you like, but when they are served everyone gets to eat off all of the dishes rather than hog the cashew chicken to themselves. And don’t get annoyed if all the dishes you order don’t come at the same time. Since Thais usually share everything they order, it doesn’t matter to them which dish is delivered to the table first.

There’s a bit more to dining in Thailand than just sharing: First, the big spoon at your table setting. It’s not there so you can shovel larger portions into your mouth. And just because you can fit lots of food on it doesn’t mean you should. Use it to scoop a portion of food off the main dishes with the idea of taking a spoonful of rice, topping it with a spoonful of one of the other dishes and then eating each dish one by one in this combination. In other words, you are eating a portion of each dish off your plate before adding more food to your plate, not filling it like you are at an all you can eat buffet (unless you are at an all you can eat buffet).

Next if you really want to show you know what you’re doing, master the art of using a fork. It is not a utensil used to spear solid pieces of food off your plate; use your fork to push food onto your spoon (not your serving spoon, dummy – you’re eating now, not putting food on your plate). The pushing motion should be toward yourself, if you really want to get this right. Then use the spoon to insert the food in your mouth. This will keep you from inserting your foot in your mouth instead.

If you are dining at a food court and really want to gross out the local you are dining with, ignore that rice cooker full of water when you are grabbing your utensils. Thais religiously rinse their utensils off in this water as a nod toward hygienic dining. As a Westerner, you know that a kettle of cold water that has been sitting out all day has little to do with fighting germs, so feel free to ignore it.

Many Thais consider grabbing the last piece of food off of a serving plate to be bad luck. And it is for the person who was hoping to claim that little morsel as their own. An old custom that is dying away is for the person who does take the last piece to make a wish on behalf of someone else – that morphs your misfortune into good luck ‘cuz you are thinking of someone else’s well-being for a change.

Lastly, at the end of the meal, using a toothpick to pry out the pieces of food that got stuck between your teeth is not considered rude. Not holding a hand in front of the action is. I think this is because Thais eat tiny portions of food and what you spear onto the end of your toothpick will look like another meal to them. But that’s just a guess. Of course if you are like many visitors to the Kingdom and dine nightly at McDonalds and/or KFC, you can ignore all of these dining rules and just be happy that corporate America has made the entire world a little slice of home away from home on your behalf.

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Sex Break: A Different Type Of Meat Beating

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Attractions, Bangkok, Muay Thai

Taking a break from sex doesn’t preclude enjoyng some hot male flesh.

I realize that for a lot of gay touri the allure of The Big Mango is sex. For many it’s its sole reason for existence. But as enticing as a regime of eat, drink, have sex, repeat as necessary may be, sooner or later your batteries need to recharge. At some point during your holiday you need to take a break from sex. Even if doing so is with your latest conquest. Sure there’s always shopping, but with all that Bangkok has to offer, there are a lot of other things to do and places to see.

For the newbie, I’ve been outlining what I consider to be the best in my Top Ten Bangkok Experiences series of posts. It’s possible that some of those suggestions may even be new for repeat visitors. But there’s more. And so much more I can’t include everything in that series; running yourself ragged is not the best use of holiday time. Besides if you wear yourself out trying to see and do everything you possibly can, you won’t have enough energy left to enjoy what draws many gay touri to Thailand in the first place: sex. Sounds like a vicious circle, huh?

So I’m starting a new category, a series of posts about less well known daytime activities available to visitors to Bangkok, called Sex Breaks. They are quick trips you can easily fit in between the time you spend between the sheets. I can’t promise they will be as memorable as that hottie you offed last night, but hope these will at least serve as a comma in your regime of sex, sex, sex.

Cotton cord wrapped fists are the hallmark of Muay Boran.

First up, because me being me even a sex break still allows room for some hot male flesh, is Baan Chang Thai. In one of my yet to be posted Top Ten Bangkok Experiences articles I will suggest going to see a muay thai fight. Everyone I’ve ever taken to see some muay thai action at Lumpini has greatly enjoyed the spectacle. And it’s one of those things you can do again and again and still enjoy. But even with its opening cultural rituals, what you see at the stadiums today is modern muay thai. Old school is different and not something you run across much these days. At Baan Chang Thai you can see how real men practice the sport known as the art of eight limbs. But if the sight of near naked men beating each other bloody makes you squeamish, you can learn about the art of puppet making, or take classes in traditional Thai painting there too.

Baan Chang Thai (House of Thai Artisans) opened nine years ago with an official visit by HRH Princess Sirindhorn. Founded by Kru Lek, its approach, unlike a museum where ancient objects are preserved and displayed is to preserve the essence of the traditional knowledge in Thai arts through a seamless blending of expressive art and mindful boxing. Aside from producing fine art works, Baan Chang Thai provides classes to pass on knowledge and skills to a new generation, classes that include Muay Thai Chaiya, one of the last surviving forms of traditional muay thai. And the school is highly regarded for its excellence and devotion to keeping these aspects of traditional Thai culture alive.

Painting, kickboxing and puppets may not seem to go together, but Kru Lek does not believe that art and boxing are necessarily two different things. He says that they are two sides of the same coin. “To be successful, both require similar faculties: focus, patience, mindfulness, and the willingness to dig so deeply into oneself that “oneself” is forgotten in the process,” he says. Muay Chaiya, which emphasizes control, concentration and patience, and aims to take advantage of an opponent’s energy by tactfully redirecting it at the right instant, is considered not just a fighting technique but also a sort of performing art, and Kru Lek occasionally partakes in performances that showcase Muay Chaiya more as a dance than a fight. But his hands are as adept at holding a paint brush, or making intricate puppets and miniature Khon masks as they are a forming a fist.

In addition to classes in painting and puppet making, traditional Thai art work is available for purchase at Baan Chang Thai.

A native of Thonburi, Kru Lek comes from a family with a long tradition of artists, craftsmen, painters and sculptors. The skills he learned as a child from his elders form the basis for instruction at Baan Chang Thai (though he does not pass on the talents of his ancestor who served as a Royal Executioner). He has continued with the arts throughout his life, and today teaches Thai-style painting and drawing regularly to people of all ages. His traditional Thai style murals are displayed on the walls of several Buddhist temples alongside ancient works of art. Whether a beginner or skilled artist yourself, you can learn Lek’s techniques at Baan Chang Thai. Three-hour long Thai painting and drawing classes are held on Saturdays and Sundays.

In Baan Chang Thai’s reception room, showcases display classical Khon puppets made by the master, each adorned with intricate headgear and beautifully embroidered clothing. The foot and a half tall puppets take about a month and a half to complete. Basics are taught during weekend classes, or you can sign up for a twelve-class program and continue lessons on subsequent visits to Bangkok. Many of the works of art are for sale and can also be made to order, for visitors who’d like to take distinctly Thai souvenirs home with them. But the school’s main focus is on the art of the warrior.

Tucked away down a leafy alleyway on one of Thonglor’s side streets, this Thai arts and kickboxing school looks like any other middle class home in Bangkok. But it is no ordinary house. It’s ground zero for Muay Chaiya in Bangkok, one of the last surviving forms of ancient Thai boxing. Out in the garden in an open shed that serves as a gym, locals and visitors practice this ancient form of Thai boxing that looks more like tai chi than muay thai. But that’s part of its appeal and is why classes comprise students of all ages and levels of experience. Many people like to practice Muay Thai Chaiya as a way to keep in shape.

Baan Chang Thai is located down a sub soi near the Ekamai BTS station.

Muay Chaiya was created by a warrior-turned-Buddhist monk in the southern Thai town of Chaiya several hundred years ago and has passed through a direct lineage of masters to Kru Lek. One of the schools of muay boran, it emphasizes control, calm, concentration, humbleness, and patience. Kru Lek says that a stable mentality, modesty, a careful and mindful nature, honesty, and gratefulness, are prerequisites for training in Muay Chaiya.

All instruction, which is given in English, begins with ten basic exercises pieced together to provide a safe and challenging workout. Drilling of techniques then takes the majority of the session, which run two hours long, providing an excellent workout both physically and mentally. Under Kru Lek’s tutelage, you don’t learn kicking and punching by kicking and punching. You learn the steps and movements from which all advanced techniques flow.

Originating from warfare, Muay Thai Chaiya is a very effective form of self protection, and it is for this purpose that the majority of students at the school attended classes. This form of muay thai stresses short, practical movements which are used to attack or defend on all levels and from a variety of angles. It uses the body’s weight to gain power at close range, so you don’t need to be big to gain power over your opponent. And unlike learning modern muay thai, there are no rules as Muay Thai Chaiya is taught as a form of self defense. So attacking the eyes, throat, groin, joints, and pressure points are all techniques taught because they enable the user to finish a confrontation as quickly as possible to reduce the risk of personal injury.

Group classes often attended by local young men are held in an open shed at the school.

The interest in ancient muay thai styles like Muay Thai Chaiya swelled after the release of Tony Jaa’s first movie, Ong Bak. But Master Lek says the fancy moves that captivated audiences are all for show. He teaches only the efficient, practical style as it was passed on to him by his teachers and has resisted the urge to beautify and weaken the style with fanciful techniques and techniques from other martial arts, which has plagued the current state of Muay Chaiya and other styles of muay boran.

You can drop by Baan Chang Thai to view the artwork or watch students practicing muay thai during weekend afternoons or weekday nights between 5 and 8 pm. Classes run fro 300 baht for an introductory lesson to 2,400 baht for twelve sessions. The school is located at 38 Ekamai Soi 10. Take the BTS to the Ekamai station, and then a 20 baht motorcycle taxi to the school, or a canal boat to Ekamai Pier and a motorcycle taxi for the short hop to Baan Chang Thai’s doorstep. If you are interested in taking classes in Muay Thai Chaiya, painting, or puppet making and costs are a concern, check the Bangkok’s Groupon website, Baan Chang Thai usually has a special offer listed for introductory classes.

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Golden Motivation: The Karat Or The Shtick?

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Bangkok, Markets & Shopping, Money Matters

In Thailand, the traditional gift to celebrate your One Night Anniversary is gold.

Nothing says I Love You to a Thai bar boy quite like the gift of gold. A bit of gold bling to show off how much his most recent admirer values him is never a bad thing. And when that farang hops on his plane for the return trip home, the boy can make a return trip to the gold shop to turn it in for baht. It’s no coincidence that the Thai weight measurement for gold and the nation’s currency share the same name. But then the belief that all bar boys are just after your money aside, gold in Thailand has always been viewed more as a commodity than as decoration for your body. And with the recent price of gold dropping faster than John Travolta to his knees at the sight of a male masseur, you can show your love for a fraction of what it would have cost you just a few months ago. Provided you can find some to buy. The gold that it. The boys are always plentiful.

The savvy punter concerned about the status of his bank account quickly learns a thing or two about dealing with bar boys. This may be a good time to learn a thing or two about how gold is bought, sold, and valued in Thailand too. Thanks to Cyprus’ decision to dump its gold reserves on the market last month, the precious metal’s value has decreased dramatically. With Slovenia, Hungary, Portugal, Spain, and Italy all in line to pull the same stunt, it may even go lower. Some industry experts claim $1,200 an ounce will soon be the standard. But many experts also predict its price will again soar, possibly even as high as it’s September 2011 peak of $1,920 in the near future. If you are willing to take the risk, gold can be a good short-term investment right now. That thought is responsible for a run on gold in Bangkok; many gold shops on Yaowarat Road have no gold for sale thanks to prices plunging below 20,000 baht.

Gold Traders Association chairman and owner of the Chin Hua Heng gold shop Jitti Tangsithpakdi reported last week that Bangkok’s famous gold buying neighborhood was facing a severe shortage due to the feeding frenzy caused by low prices. “There’s no gold to be sold because manufacturers can’t produce the items quick enough,” he said, adding that some gold shops have begun competing with each other in a battle to buy gold from sellers. For bullion right now, it takes 5 days to fill a customer’s order.

Baht for a Baht Chain: It’s how you say I Love You in Thai.

Though gold is currently running at about 20,200 baht per baht-weight – up from the price that had earlier tumbled to 18,600 – Jitti believes that by the end of the year it will return to its levels from the beginning of this year, between 24,000 and 25,000. But before you decided to cash in on what may seem like easy profits, you should know a few fundamentals about the gold trade in Thailand. And before you decide to cash your affections in on a bar boy, knowing how Thais view gold ain’t a bad thing to know either.

Thailand’s Special K

Carat or karat (symbol: K or kt) is a measurement of purity for gold, not to be confused with the carat used as a measurement of weight (mass to be precise) for semi precious and precious gemstones. 24K gold is considered fine, meaning the alloy is 100% gold (actually 99.9% but let’s not get hung up over a fraction). 18K gold, which is typically used in Europe for jewelry is 75% gold with the remaining 25% made up of other metals such as silver and copper. In the U.S. the standard for gold jewelry is 14K, which is slightly more than 50% gold; it has a brassy color compared to jewelry with a higher gold content. In Thailand the gold’s purity is 96.5% or 23K though it can sometimes be closer to 22K and is often called 24K among those who don’t know any better. The purity of Thai gold makes it a good investment vehicle; it is easily traded and readily converted to currency. That’s why it has always been a popular purchase in Thailand and why your boy du jour will take a baht chain over the latest iPhone model any day of the week.

Of course Thailand being Thailand, while a dealer selling to touri will talk about karats, the price is always determined by baht weight, which is a unit of weight measurement where 1 Baht is equal to 15.16 grams of gold when it sold as jewelry and 15.244 grams in raw bullion form. With a purity of 96.5 percent (23K) there is normally 14.71 grams of pure gold in 1 Baht, which is a little less than half a troy ounce (0.473 ozt). The important thing to remember is that the only thing Baht gold has to do with Thailand’s currency is that you’ll use the latter to pay for the former.

The difference in price between bullion and jewelry is minor when purchasing gold in Thailand.

The Gold Traders Association sets the price for gold and every shop in Thailand uses that standard; they are required to immediately change their display prices when the price is announced. Gold is sold in many forms – jewelry is popular for obvious reasons – while bars, biscuits, commemorative coins, Chinese coins, etc. are usually purchased strictly for investment purposes. While the price of each form differs from the standard price for gold bullion bars, it is a minor difference; a charge for craftsmanship on a piece of jewelry may be, for example, 200 baht. And a gold dealer’s buying price from a member of the public is often no more than 100 baht less than the price he would sell the same piece for. So a baht chain purchased, worn for a while, and then sold back for cash – assuming the official gold price has not changed – will only be devalued by about 300 baht from the cost if originally purchased in bar form. And that means while you are wearing your heart on your sleeve, your boy du jour will be wearing his net worth around his neck.

Putting Your Mouth Where Your Money Is

Finding a place in Bangkok where you can purchase gold is as easy as finding a place where you can buy bootleg dvds. But since the cost will be a bit higher than your new copy of one of Hollywood latest blockbuster movies, you should take a bit more care in where you decide to shop. MBK, for example, is a popular place for touri to buy gold. And some dealers there sell at reasonable prices. Many, instead, go with the prices charged to the touri trade. If its a bauble for yourself, a fair price is whatever you are willing to pay. If it’s a token of your affection for your boy du jour, the grimace on his face in seeing how much you are gonna put out compared to how much he’ll realize when he resells it should tip you off that you may not be getting the best deal in town. Ditto if instead of a grimace he greets the store clerk by her first name.

If you just have to shop for gold at one of the malls, look for a easily seen sign listing the current selling price of gold. All gold shops are supposed to post current prices as set by the Gold Traders Association. The reputable ones do. The rip-off places don’t. And those who charge based on the color of the skin of the buyer may, but the sign is usually small and hidden away. Or written only in Thai.

Reputable dealers prominently display the official price for gold at their shops.

Yaowarat Road in Chinatown has been the home of gold trading in Bangkok for a couple of centuries and is the best place for you to buy gold. There are several hundred shops to choose from. Most will display the obligatory prices, often on the front window of their shop. The prices will almost always be in Thai, but that’s not because they want to cheat tourists, it’s that touri make up a small fraction of their customer base. Originally, the four main gold shops were Seng Heng Li, Hua Seng Heng, Tung Jin Aeng, and Tang To Kang. And while most shops are reputable and are members of the Gold Merchants Association, these four are still your best choice. For several reasons.

First, ripping a tourist off is hardly worth their time; they have enough business that getting some extra baht out of the occasional touri is just not worth the effort. Second, while you may not be buying gold to resell it some day, if it is a gift for your boy du jour, that will be an important part of the transaction to him. Any dealer in town will buy back gold from one of these four shops. A lesser known store, not so much. Reputation counts and dealers do not want to have to test every piece of gold for its purity. And lastly, there is value in any unusual experience and shopping at one of the Big Four will be an experience unlike anything you have ever encountered while shopping.

The size and clamor of the crowds inside will make you think they just offered free Justin Bieber tickets with every purchase. The floor of the NY Stock Exchange looks calm in comparison. You’ll also get some momentary enjoyment out of the confusion you cause your boy by being savvy enough to know where to buy gold, but un-savvy enough to not know he’ll be cashing in whatever you buy him early the next day.

The scrum that is buying gold in Chinatown is comparable to the melee that would be caused by a Sunee bar selling beer at 25 baht.

Worth His Weight In Gold

You may think your boy du jour is worth his weight in gold, until you find the pricey piece of bling you bought him ended up at the local pawn shop. A familiar tale of woe, that scenario often results in yet another disgruntled farang who confuses the intrinsic value of gold with a token of love. Silly farang. In Thailand, jewelry and other gold objects function as a form of financial security; in case of difficult times the gold can be pledged or pawned until the family’s finances improve. For farang from the U.S. where the question of the legality of owning gold is still confusing to the lay person, and where the purity of gold in jewelry is too low to hold value as a commodity – the amount of work it takes to melt 14K gold down and extract the pure gold results in a value that is only a tiny fraction of what that piece of jewelry originally cost – it’s hard to grasp the Thai attitude toward owning gold where it is considered the same as having money in the bank. The fact is that the degree of probability that your boy will sell any gold jewelry you purchase for him is the same as that Thai gold’s degree of purity: 96.5% (the remaining 3.5% is ‘cuz I’m a glass half full kind of guy).

When your ideal of love and your boy du jour’s view of gold meet, don’t be surprised at the result. Your token of affection may be expressed in karats, to him it’s just another opportunity to participate in the typical gold for baht shtick embraced by bar boys for decades. You may think handing him a wad of cash instead might be the way to go; it would be easier on all concerned. But baht and a bar boy’s pocket is never a long-term love affair. Gold’s advantage is it makes you think twice before spending it, and most Thai bar boys need help with that bit of financial self-discipline.

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Just Another Roadside Attraction: Thailand’s Top 10 Tourist Traps

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Attractions

If packaged bus tours were more entertaining there would be less need for roadside attractions.

If you build it they will come seems to be the philosophy wherever in the world touri gather. Those who build, own, or operate their own private field of dreams rely on a mix of kitsch and the seemingly never ending desire of those on holiday to do something and to see some sights – no matter what it is – to provide a steady stream of paying customers to their door. Many are nothing more than a modern version of a roadside attraction, a lesson in bad taste transcending to high art from America’s past when the country took to touring by automobile and could easily be swayed to stop and see the World’s Largest Ball Of Twine, a replica of England’s Stonehedge made from 38 old cars painted gray, or a (patented, mind you) 65-foot-tall elephant made out of tin and wood, the country’s first – and unfortunately not last – example of zoomorphic architecture.

Hokey charm was – and still is – often the appeal of roadside attractions, although any stop when travelling with a car load of children or senior citizens has an appeal. I mean who could resist a Prada store setting alongside a gas station-less desolate highway – 150 miles away from the closest town of any size – that features the sum total of 20 left-foot shoes and six purses in the display window of the permanently locked building?

America may be the only country to lay claim to an 18-foot-tall turtle built out of old wheel rims, but we are not alone in our pursuit of roadside cultural roadkill. In Australia, where the phenomena is called Big Things, you can stop to check out the World’s Largest Tennis Racquet, the World’s Largest Blade of Grass, or the World’s Largest Rocking Horse . . . all in the name of tourism. Canada too weighs in providing distractions for weary travellers with the World’s Largest Baseball Bat, and, of course, the World’s Largest Maple Leaf, eh?. Or you can check out the World’s Largest Coffee Pot in Germany or the World’s Largest Sundial in India. Obviously, whoever said size doesn’t matter wasn’t a world traveller.

Separating touri from their cash is an art form practiced throughout Thailand.

Not that odd and quirky shouldn’t be a draw on its own. Even tacky has its place on a holiday schedule. Provided you are in on the joke. When your patronage is the punch line, it’s a different matter. A roadside attraction can make or break a Road Trip! especially when you are stoned. A tourist trap, on the other hand, serves no other purpose than to bleed hard-earned cash from your wallet. Even if you did buy the T-shirt.

Thailand, the most popular tourist destination in Southeast Asia, offers a great variety of attractions for the touri crowd including crystal clear diving sites, sandy beaches, hundreds of tropical islands, a varied night-life to please every perverted taste, thick jungles to trek through, archaeological sites to wonder at, museums, hill tribes, exceptional flora and bird life, palaces both grand and otherwise, a huge number of Buddhist temples, several World Heritage sites, great food, cheap beach front bungalows, and some of the best luxury hotels in the world. In the Land of Smiles there is something for every interest, every budget, and every taste. Even for those who lack any.

There are also taxi driver mafia to contend with, transvestite thieves to avoid, pollution, touri gone wild, a steady stream of traffic accidents, opportunities to be scammed daily, and at airports, radar glitches, flight delays and long immigration lines. The country’s pros, however, can and do outweigh its cons. If it wasn’t for its own brand of roadside attractions which – with the exception of a few that actually are worthy of your time – can be called nothing else but tourist traps.

Novelty architecture qualifies as a roadside attraction everywhere but in Thailand where it becomes a symbol of official government business instead.

Last year Reuters ran a story widely picked up by news organizations around the planet entitled Thailand: Land of Smiles or Tourist Trap? which suggests the entire country is a tourist trap. And CNN’s list of the World’s 12 Worst Tourist Traps honors Thailand with not just one but two entries on its list. Australia may hold the title to having the World’s Largest Pineapple, but Thailand lays claim to having the World’s Largest Number of Tourist Traps. The internet site Virtual Tourist lists 807 of them, which too may qualify for a World’s Largest title. If you ever wondered why Thailand is known as The Land of Smiles, now you know.

Tourist traps are attractions, establishments, or activities that have been created or re-purposed with the aim of attracting touri and their money. Most tourist traps would love to figure out how to remove the touri from the equation and just deal with the money (not unlike many bar boys, who could be considered tourist traps in their own right). Some tourist traps in Thailand are of the Americana roadside attraction size, staying alive by feeding off of but a small handful of touri each day. Others, like the Golden Triangle, are industrial in size and cover large swaths of the countryside. While the country’s well-known but still profitable scams get all the press, its tourist traps are equally as responsible for turning many holidays into nightmares. And perhaps not surprisingly, both negative experiences owe their existence to the same source: ignorant touri. Though tourist traps benefit from those with a complete lack of taste too.

Since I’ve been recently posting a series of articles on The Top Ten Bangkok Experiences, it seemed appropriate to also provide a list of Thailand’s Top Ten Worst Experiences. Or its top tourist traps if you are a glass half full kind of guy. If for no better reason than to answer why I seemed to have ‘forgotten’ to list some places in the articles about what you should see and do during a holiday in Bangkok. Not that there aren’t ten tourist traps in Bangkok alone worthy of mention, but I thought I’d share the wealth and spread the joy from border to border. And if you think that since one of the places that made it to my Top Ten Worst Experiences list was recently featured on one of the gay Thailand message boards as a must-do mans it is a coincidence, it’s not. But in their defense, it is nice to see a fan of Pattaya who is at least attempting to find an interest in something other than cheap booze and cheaper boys for a change.

The postcard perfect version of the Damnoen Saduak Floating Market can only be found on postcards.

1. The Damnoen Saduak Floating Market.

Damnoen Saduak made it to CNN’s list of the World’s 12 Worst Tourist Traps; they called it “as authentic as that pack of Viagra for sale on a back soi off Sukhumvit Road,” showing that even CNN gets it right occasionally. The world-renown Floating Market is a must-do on many touri lists and a perfect example of a good tourist attraction gone bad.

A nightmarish network of canals filled with long tail boats belching diesel fumes while shuttling sardine mimicking visitors around to blow money at the floating shops and boats that peddle the same junk you can find on Khaosan Road but at three times the price, it would qualify as a scam instead of a tourist trap if it wasn’t for the occasional cool little old lady peddling her wares from a rickety boat photograph you might get to take if you avoid the organized tours that deliver touri by the thousands daily, and sneak in instead during the early hours before the rest of the crowd arrives. Or better yet, hit any one of the other floating markets closer to Bangkok. Many of them too are tourist traps, but they are less crowded and cheaper to get to.

2. Klong Tour.

Part of a day lazily motoring through the waterways of Bangkok while picturesque village life along the banks forms a background to your excursion sounds like a perfect Bangkok experience. And it would be if that opportunity existed. Whether you go on a package tour or negotiate a boat ride on your own your experience will be the same. And it will have nothing to do with that idyllic vision. Soon after embarking, your boat will be set upon by the Klong Pirates, a group of locals in small boats who you’ll have to buy cokes, postcards, or bananas from before they’ll remove their pit bull jaw-clench like grasp from your boat and allow you to motor away. Then, when things just start looking up you’ll stop at a progression of dubiously named snake and crocodile farms – and anything else that the locals think they can call a farm – where you’ll be forced to disembark and spend even more money before being allowed to get back onto your watercraft again. By the end of your excursion you’ll swear dry land never looked so good.

3. Crocodile and/or Snake Farm.

Not that you have to take a klong tour to experience the crocodile and/or snake farm tourist trap, they are almost as ubiquitous as 7/11s throughout Thailand’s countryside. If you come from one of the few countries in the world that doesn’t have crocs or alligators, maybe you’ll consider this tourist trap an attraction. Ditto if you have the mentality of a three-year-old. It’s not a fun experience, though it usually is an interactive one. Expect to have a boa constrictor draped around your neck until you pony up with a tip for its removal. Pray to have a crocodile crush your jugular so that you do not have to further experience what Thais have done to Mother Nature in the name of commerce.

Mi casa es su casa? Thanks, but I’d rather be homeless.

4. Hill Tribes.

After experiencing the roadblock known as Hill Tribe Ladies on any touri congested street in the country, why anyone would want to pay to go see more of these little devil’s spawn is beyond me. But that photo op thingy makes us do strange things. Popular up north and unfortunately almost always offered as an add-on to any other tour you may sign up for, trekking out to an authentic Hill Tribe village is a popular touri pastime. No one, however, actually lives in that den of vipers posing as a village. It is a small series of open-front huts serving as souvenir stands. And that photo op? Despite your having paid about $30 for the visit, you’ll have to tip each and every Hill Tribe member you attempt to capture on film. Back in town that shot will only cost you three bucks.

5. The Sanctuary of Truth.

There are a few thousand Thai temples in the country, many of them quite magnificent, many of them authentically historical. Few if any charge an admission. If and when they do it’s usually a matter of 10 to 20 baht. Or you can visit the Sanctuary of Truth just outside of Pattaya where the admission is $15 and the temple is not one any self respecting Thai has ever prayed at. And Thais will pray at a shrine devoted to a two-headed lizard born in the village next to theirs.

The truth about the Sanctuary of Truth is that it is a tourist trap built solely for the purpose of attracting touri and their money. Which explains its mock sword battles, motocross track and shooting range. I’m surprised they haven’t brought in gogo boys for entertainment yet. Though I do have to admit there is an allure to the cheap bastards who flock to Pattaya and become incensed if charged more than 100 baht for a drink shelling out $15 to look at a fake wat. But then maybe they are just used to that from looking at all the fake erections on display at Sunee Plaza. Wat Rong Khun in Chiang Rai does it better, and there the ticket cost is nada.

6. Patpong Night Market.

“What?” you say. But you included the Patpong Night Market in your #2 entry to The Top Ten Bangkok Experiences! Yes, I did. And just reminded you of that fact too. That doesn’t mean it’s not a tourist trap. In my defense, I did tell you not to buy anything. Patpong’s Night Market also made it to CNN’s list of the World’s 12 Worst Tourist Traps. And it is listed in every guide book known to man as a place you have to see when visiting Bangkok. The guidebooks suggest it for a risque night out, CNN called it “about as sexy as an Australian sheila drunk on Two Dogs.” But CNN forgot to mention the large population of Australian sheilas drunk on Two Dogs that you’ll find there. But at least the puke running in the gutters factor is lower than you’ll find during a night out on Khaosan Road. There is no question that it qualifies as a tourist trap, and barely qualifies as a night market, but you should experience it anyway. But do it in transit from the gay pubs off Silom to the gay gogo bars on Soi Twilight, Just keep your wallet in your pocket. And your dick in your pants.

Forget about taking a tuk tuk ride, hopping on a motorcycle taxi can be a lot more fun.

7. The Gem Mall.

Everyone has heard of the Thailand Gem Scam, a tourist activity the country is known for worldwide. And savvy touri know to avoid being taken for a ride by taking a tuk tuk ride to a jewelry shop. Meanwhile, hordes of them sign up for and pay an ridiculous amount to be taken on an organized bus tour to one of these jewelry producing mega stores. Which are the same stores the tuk tuk driving scammers will deliver you to. If you can’t resist, play the Scam A Scammer game instead, or call a gem mall from your hotel and they will send a nice air-conditioned limo to pick you up for free. There are better ways to spend your holiday time, but you will get a free drink and will get to watch the craftsmen at work before being ushered into where the low quality/high priced gems and jewelry await. If you drop enough baht you can probably talk them into driving you over to see Jim Thompson’s House too.

8. The Monkey Show (Because The Monkey Farm Just Wouldn’t Sound Right).

As a paid attraction, monkey shows are popular both up North and down South. You won’t see them in and around Bangkok because they just can’t compete with those whose antics you can enjoy on Khaosan Road for free. I don’t quite get the allure of watching an amazing (and rather ugly) primate harvesting coconuts from a palm tree, but if you also got to watch their trainers beat them bloody to teach them their delightful tricks you might not be quite as happy with this overpriced, rip-off form of entertainment. And watching a monkey ride a bicycle isn’t nearly as entertaining as watching a backpacker on ecstacy try to perform the same stunt anyway.

9. The Tuk Tuk Experience.

In my book tuk tuks and condoms are a lot alike. At times, they are a necessary evil, but given my druthers I’d rather not, thanks. Tuk tuks are seldom the cheapest way to get around town, but sometimes they are the most convenient. Most people know that by riding in one there’s a good chance you’ll get ripped off. Even then, I wouldn’t call them a tourist trap except for that guidebooks all claim you have to have the tuk tuk experience while in Thailand. And they encourage touri to take a ride for no better reason than to ride in one. For most casual visitors, there is no good reason to take a tuk tuk anywhere. For most there are other forms of transport they can use instead. And if you have to live life dangerously, you should hop on a motorcycle taxi instead. Now we’re talking livin la vida loca.

Huh. Women have an unhealthy attraction to their eggs.

10. The Chiang Rai Hot Springs.

This rest stop comes the closest to being a roadside attraction in Thailand. It would qualify as one and avoid being called a tourist trap instead if not for the few hundred vendors selling some of the flakiest souvenirs in the Kingdom who line the perimeter of its gigantic parking lot waiting for a bus load of fresh meat to pull in. It is perfectly situated to be a roadside attraction, just slightly more than halfway between Chiang Mai and Chiang Rai where, thanks to the undersized bladders of Thais and women alike, a pit stop is always required.

The geyser out front would never qualify as a Big Thing, but offering the opportunity to boil a few small local bird eggs in a natural hot springs is a perfect roadside attraction activity. If that’s where it ended. But as soon as you’ve handed some cash over to one of the local women doing the egg trick, you are descend upon by a mob of aggressive vendors who try to pull you into their stall and sell you genuine elephant tusks made of plastic and genuine rubies made of glass. Both of which do qualify as Big Things because like with silicone breasts, if they’re big enough, no one cares that they’re not real.

Honorable Mention:

Originally I was going to include a short list of places that fit the roadside attraction bill more than they do the tourist trap moniker. Like the three headed elephant at the Erawan Museum and Jim Thompson’s House, which I’ve ragged on often enough. But then places like the observation deck at Baiyoke Sky Tower and James Bond Island by Phuket popped into my head. And I’m not sure if riding an elephant is a tourist trap or more of a roadside attraction. So I quickly came to realize that Thailand has pretty much turned every attraction into a tourist trap.

There are many wonders to see in Thailand, but almost all of them require dealing with the tourist infrastructure, which is solely designed to transfer baht from your pocket into a local’s. But that’s Thailand, and I’m cool with that. It could be worse. You could be stopping to see the World’s Largest Bottle of Catsup instead.

Related Posts You Might Enjoy:

The 5 Ws Of Tuk Tuk Use In Bangkok

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Crocodilezzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

The Top Ten Bangkok Experiences: Part 3 – Same Same But Different

Tags

Attractions, Bangkok, Markets & Shopping

Shopping in Bangkok? Get ready for a same same but different experience.

Bangkok is an amazing travel destination. There is so much to do and see in the city it’s impossible to fit everything into one short visit. For the first time visitor, the question is what you should make time for and what you can take a pass on. Until your next visit. The answer to that may depend on where your interests lay. For some it is historical sights. For others museums, galleries, and cultural attractions. Some like to follow the crowd. Others like to head off on their own. Their are attractions geared toward touri, and places you’ll be welcomed where you’ll primarily see locals. Unfortunately, no matter how good you are at scheduling your time, you miss a lot of what Bangkok has to offer. You can alleviate that problem to some degree by making the most out of every destination you choose.

This series of posts is intended to suggest a full mix of experiences for your Bangkok visit. With an emphasis on experiencing. And to do so by stacking experience onto experience. While some would suggest a visit to Bangkok without seeing the Grand Palace is a waste, I think your time would be better spent interacting with Bangkokians and getting a feel for what they do in their daily lives. What attracts me is the juxtaposition of the familiar with the exotic, and experiencing the unique twists the local population puts on things that make them their own. So while my #3 Top Bangkok Experience may, at first glance, look like it should be called Shopping, it really is the epitome of that popular Thai expression, Same Same But Different.

Contrary to popular belief, all gay guys are not into shopping. Nor is it a popular pastime for straight guys unless it involves a hardware store. Shopping to women, on the other hand, is as important as is the air they breath. But you are in Bangkok – which was recently voted the world’s second best city for tourist shopping and the third best city in terms of shopping value for money – so it’s time to get in touch with your feminine side and hit a mall. Just don’t get carried away with trying on expensive shoes that look great but cause your feet to cramp.

Bangkok shopping malls are a safe environment thanks to the ever alert security guards.

Shopping is a major part of the Bangkok experience because just like the aggressive ladyboys hanging around Nana, it’s impossible to avoid. Step outside of your hotel and there’s an 80% chance you’ll immediately be in the middle of a street market. Since you can shop almost as easily back home, you might think such a routine event should not be considered as a must-do experience while in Thailand’s capital city. But you’re undoubtedly gonna find you need some crap anyway. And even if you detest the idea of shopping, a handful of $3 T-shirts is always hard to pass up. Besides, this is Bangkok and even the mundane task of shopping has its own unique flair.

Bangkok is home to a never ending mass of major shopping malls, with several standing cheek to jowl and another half dozen all within a fifteen minute walk away. Take a short tuk tuk ride and you can easily add another six malls to that list. Some specialize in product – fashion, electronics, or tech goodies – others try to stand out from the crowd based on the exclusivity of brands carried, or lack thereof. I won’t go into which mall offers what here, you can read my series of posts, First Timers Guide To Shopping In Bangkok, for that info if needed. Though if you are a true shopper you probably already have a plan of attack that will include every major mall and market in town. For the casual shopper, the infamous Mah Boon Krong (MBK) Mall will do you proud. Or do you in. But a visit to MBK isn’t just about shopping (unless you have your boy du jour from the night before with you), it’s about experiencing Bangkok.

Unless you really suck at selecting hotels, you should have easy access to the BTS. Your best bet to getting to MBK is Bangkok’s Skytrain (which is the same thing as the BTS, if I just confused you – though being confused in Bangkok is part of the city’s experience too). You can take a tuk tuk or a taxi, but traffic around the mall is the epitome of Bangkok’s crush hour parking lot-like congestion from early in the morning until mall shopping hours are over for the day. Your station destination is National Stadium at the end of the Silom line. And there’s no need to hurry and rush through breakfast, you don’t want to get to MBK before ten; eleven is even better.

Riding the escalators at MBK can be almost as much fun as riding a roller coaster. But not quite as safe.

Plan on spending an hour or two, even if you are only going to be window shopping. The mall is huge. And you’ll get lost for at least a half hour if you wander far into the floor that features a million or two cell phone shops (unless you are with your boy – he’ll already have his favorite dealer and will make a beeline for that stall). In addition to the cheap T-shirts, there are a lot of cheap, tacky souvenirs available at MBK, at a price much lower than at the touristy street markets provided you are willing to barter. Though at MBK you only need to extend a modicum of effort at haggling to get a good price. On the other hand, if you hate the idea of playing how much will I pay, the larger shops and department stores all have fixed prices. So no worries.

MBK is a great people watching spot. It’s also the best place in town to learn the art of Asian crowd etiquette, which will come in handy later when you are walking down any sidewalk elsewhere in town. But do be careful and familiarize yourself with local customs before getting on an escalator. Because getting off can be dangerous to your health if you haven’t yet mastered the art. You can also experience your first paid entry fee at a public restroom at the mall, along with your first experience of walking through a security metal detector where the alarms go off and no one pays the least bit of attention to you.

Like those who have come before, at MBK you can have your first taste of being waited on by at least six clerks to make a $1.25 purchase, with not a single one of them having a clue about the merchandise you are buying. And don’t miss the opportunity of stepping out into the parking garage to watch the Thai phenomenon of everyone backing their car into a parking space, usually with the assistance of at least one parking lot attendant blowing a whistle, all miraculously accomplished if not with skill at least while committing a DWA (Driving While Asian) offense. And you thought your day was just about shopping.

MBK’s food court is both an experience and a gastronomical treat.

On the off-chance you do decide to actually shop a bit, there’s plenty of bootleg movies to entice you (100 baht is the going rate, but show you aren’t a newbie and refuse to pay more than 80). Cheap clothing abounds (XXL is the size you’ll need if back home you wear Large), knock-of bags, accessories, and cologne fill the aisles (imagine your friends’ envy when you snag a quart size bottle of Cool Water for a mere $10), and MBK is the best place in town to buy a pair of sandals to go with the black dress socks you brought for home as well as one of the few places in town where the staff won’t giggle at your need for a pair of shoes larger than size 8.

And while you should avoid KFC and McDonalds – I know the idea of actually walking into a McDonalds instead of using the drive-thru sounds exotic, but it’s still American fast food – you’d be foolish to pass-up a walk-away crepe smothered in whipped creme and chocolate and filled with pineapple and ham. But don’t go crazy on the junk food. Lunch hour is approaching (so it’s around 2pm by now) and you’re gonna squeeze in yet another Bangkok experience into your shopping trip.

Everyone loves America, so the local hi-so wannabees flock to Sizzler, Pizza Hut, Burger King, Starbucks, McDonalds, and the Colonel’s. You’re gonna a resist that urge and head to the 6th floor to experience dining at a Thai food court. This is Thailand’s version of indoor fast food; it’s much the same as street cart food but presented in what you’ll think is a more sterilized atmosphere. Not unlike attending a traveling carnival back home, at a food court before you take your stomach on a ride you exchange some baht for a handful of tickets. Which in turn you’ll fork over for the tilt-a-whirl gastronomical treats we’re gonna call lunch. There are about 100 individual stalls at the food court, each offering their own slice of Thai cuisine. You won’t see much that is recognizable so don’t bother spending an hour checking out each and every stall. Just point at something that looks like it is no longer moving and then dig in.

The Bangkok Art & Culture Centre’s architecture looks like a world-class art museum. But it’s much more fun than that.

Even if you totally pig out lunch at the food court shouldn’t set you back more than $6; show a bit of restraint and you can easily eat your fill for about $3. And then pat yourself on the back: Burger King would have run you closer to $10 even if you didn’t super-size your meal. After you’ve finished dining, whatever tickets you have left can be exchanged back into baht (if you can find the right booth to turn your unused tickets in at). If that whole process is too much for you, no worries. Your next stop will not cost you a dime so you’ll still come out ahead.

Head back out the way you entered the mall (I know, but pretend it will be that easy to orientate yourself) and then cross over the BTS walkway to the ramp leading into the Bangkok Art & Culture Centre. Yes, technically this is a museum, but you need some culture. And to walk off the lunch you just ate. The Bangkok Art & Culture Centre is one of the city’s best deals. With several floors filled with local art and interactive displays the centre is a favorite hangout for Bangkok’s artistically inclined youth. And admission is free. The exhibits change frequently, so you’ll never know what you are gonna find, but what you do experience here is almost always enjoyable.

And it’s not the staid, security guard heavy art museum of the western world either. In Bangkok people touch the art. I know. But give it a try. You’ll feel guilty, but petting a painting is a tactile joy. There’s shopping available at The Bangkok Art & Culture Centre too, with a few places selling supplies and a few more offering inexpensive cards and small works by the city’s talented youngsters. More recently, some local artists and craftsmen have begun setting up small tables around the rotunda to sell their wares directly to the public. And that’s the kind of souvenir you won’t find duplicated at Patpong’s Night Market. You can also enjoy an iced coffee, Thai style, at one of the small cafes within the centre – consider inviting one of the young artists to join you and you’ll easily make a new friend. And finally, for the cheap bastards among us, use of the public restrooms is free at the Bangkok Art & Culture Centre. So you can save yourself 2 baht by marking your spot artistically before heading back to MBK where you’d pay for that privilege.

For once, your boy du jour will enjoy getting up close and personal in a dark room with you.

More shopping? You can. And probably will. But since there is art and then there is art, next you’re gonna experience a more popular form, even if that does mean having to wear a silly pair of neon colored over-sized glasses. While in Bangkok, you need to go see a movie. And with eight screens available for your viewing pleasure on the 7th floor of the mall, MBK is a good place to do that. You may think something as pedestrian as watching a movie is not worthy of your holiday time while visiting Bangkok, but like with many common amusements, Thais make the theater experience their own. Plus you can catch the latest Hollywood blockbuster for a fraction of the cost it’d run you back home, and there’s a good chance you can see one of Tinseltown’s latest offerings weeks before it is released back in the States too. Or you can catch a local production. But there’s a good chance it’ll be a comedy and trust me, that’s not an experience you want to go through.

MBK’s SF Cinema City’s theatres are more spacious, the screens are larger, the seats are more comfortable, and the moviegoers less vocal than what you’ll find back home. And they are air-conditioned to a point of freezing. Plus, when you buy your ticket you can select your seats, and (hopefully) grab some that do not have others sitting directly in front of you. Though even then Thais tend to be height impaired so blockage is not usually a problem unless you have the great misfortune of sitting behind a middle-aged Thai-Chinese woman with a beehive hairdo from the ‘60s.

Usually, though show times will come into play, you’ll have a choice of formats for Hollywood’s hottest flicks. You’ll be able to choose between an English version, one subtitled in Thai, and the 3D version, which usually costs an extra buck if you think it’s worth it. You’re gonna be attending a late afternoon/early evening showing, so the crowds will be sparse and your ticket will run between $3 and $4. If you are with your boy du jour, that cost will rise dramatically at the snack bar because he will have to participate in whatever rip-off promotion they are holding that offers some cheap movie tie-in souvenir. No problemo. Your breeder brethren get stuck shelling out the same for Happy Meals at McDonalds weekly. Besides, a happy bar boy is a horny bar boy. Know what I mean?

He’ll also be happy if before the movie starts you follow the audience’s lead when the film homage to the King plays and stand up in respectful silence. It’s a small thing, but that brief clip of the King’s greatest hits always produces a WTF? moment among first time moviegoers in Thailand. At least among those who are with a local companion or who have been forewarned and are not instead instructed on proper etiquette toward the royals by an angry mob of theater patrons. Your boy du jour will also be pleased if you demonstrate you are movie going savvy by getting up and heading toward the exit during the final few minutes of the movie. Because in Bangkok, that’s how they roll.

Been there, done that, don’t forget to get your T-shirt.

Now it’s time for dinner and another night on the town. Ignore your boy du jour’s wistful stares at the American chain restaurants you’ll pass on your way to the escalators, there are better places to dine in town, some of which will be covered in future entries to The Top Ten Bangkok Experiences series of posts. Today’s experience costs, not counting what you dropped shopping but with transportation, admissions, lunch, a snack, and your souvenir Same Same But Different T-shirt will have run you about $15 per person. Which ain’t bad for a day’s entertainment in the Big Mango. Your night on the town, as always, will set you back quite a bit more.

Related Posts You Might Enjoy:

The Top Ten Bangkok Experiences: Part 1 – Not The Grand Palace

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First Timers Guide To Shopping In Bangkok (Part I)

The Top Ten Bangkok Experiences: Part 2 – One Night In Bangkok

Tags

Gay Bangkok, Gay GoGo Bars, Offs

For the gay first time visitor to Bangkok, your night should begin and end around Silom Soi 4.

I started writing this series of posts in response to a friend’s question of what he should do and see on his inaugural trip to Bangkok. Mistakenly, he’d turned to Google first, had a list of the Top Ten Bangkok Experiences, and wanted my opinion on the suggestions made by others. That Jim Thompson’s house was on his list told me he was in for a world of boredom. That the Damnoen Saduak floating market made it to his list too told me he’d be exhausted by the time his trip was over. Holidays are supposed to be about relaxation. You are not supposed to return in need of a holiday thanks to your holiday.

There is a lot to see and do in Bangkok. And even more to experience. Cramming your days and nights full of activities and places to be, while tempting, does not do the city justice. But with the right approach you can experience much of what Bangkok has to offer and still have energy to see and do more. I tend to hone in on the experience part of the equation, and then fill it in with places to visit. Doing, even when it means doing nothing, is preferable to seeing in my book. Seeing you can do just as easily at home by thumbing through a bunch of postcards.

Thai smiles and lots of lights both do their part in bringing Soi 4 to life.

My problem with my friend’s Googled list, besides too many sites that shouldn’t appear until you are doing a Top 50 list, is it failed to address the needs, or at last the interests of a gay man. Now believe it or not but not all gay touri to Bangkok have sex on their brain. Beyond the thoughts of sex that we always have on our brains. But despite that not being a touri’s primary interest, the fact is that Bangkok and sex go hand in hand. And preferably one of those hands will belong to someone else. Gay watering holes are numerous and conveniently located in Bangkok. And the city’s commercial sex scene is omnipresent. Whether you indulge to the point of a happy ending or not, it has to be a part of your holiday experience. The only danger for a first time visitor is that it can easily become your entire holiday experience.

Before you blow your wad in anticipation of what is to cum, a night out visiting the seamier side of Bangkok is my suggestion for your #2 Bangkok experience, and for a first timer it’s best to get this one under your belt on the night of your first full day in the city. Go get laid, of course, is the shortened version. My suggestion however provides a fuller experience and leaves it up to you whether or not you see your night through to fruition. Your evening starts with dinner. Pick any place by your hotel that looks enticing; I’ll have restaurant recommendations for you in later posts, but for this night what is important is filling your belly with food before you begin filling it with booze. It’s gonna be a late night and you are going to need sustenance to make it through to the early hours of the morning.

The Telephone Bar is a Bangkok landmark and one of the city’s sights you need to experience.

After your meal, head to Silom Soi 4. This narrow lane off the main drag is home to an ever-growing handful of gay pubs and shops that have been added to the original two establishments, the Balcony Bar and Telephone Pub. Some of the smaller bars can be fun too, but the main action is always at these two joints. Which sit directly across the street from each other. Grab an open seat at either, where you can sit and watch the parade of guys pass by. Both, btw, offer food on their menu. But I don’t suggest dining at either, at least not on your first full night in town. It’ll just get in the way of where you focus should be: on all the hotties parading about.

Order a drink, kick back, and if you are a gregarious type, you’ll quickly make new friends with other visitors sitting at tables around you. If you are by yourself, there’s a good chance you’ll also draw the attention of some young local stud. No matter how young or attractive you are, he’s a moneyboy. Which is Thai for prostitute. Ignore him. Politely. If you are following my advice your evening will be filled with prostitutes anyway. And you can always come back tomorrow night – he’ll be sitting there trying to land a customer again then. But do flirt with the waitstaff. Even if none of them are your type. Thailand is known as the land of smiles, and it’s time you get comfortable with hot young men beaming gloriously in your direction.

Patpong’s Night Market is more of a fish market, but still worth a short, if congested, stroll.

Next, head back out to Silom, hang a right, and walk down to the main entrance of the Patpong Night Market. But don’t buy anything. There will be better things to spend your money on this night. In amongst all the knock-off goods for sale and families of touri living life dangerously by visiting Bangkok’s red light district, there are still a few establishments left from the area’s heyday. They are for straight clientele, or lesbians, so you won’t be going into any of them. But the barkers out front will shove little white cards in your face listing all of the things that can be done with a vagina that straight guys think are sexy. On another night you may want to return to visit one of the bars just to see what that ping pong ball scene in The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert was really all about. Unless you are a member of PETA.

Patpong’s Night market is an experience in itself, but one that you can fully experience in about 15 minutes. Your destination tonight is its far end, Suriwong, where you’ll turn left and walk about two blocks down to Soi Thantawan, a small dark soi that opens on your left across from the Tawana Bangkok Hotel. The first bright lights you’ll see will be Tawan, one of Bangkok’s most famous gogo bars catering to gay guys. Especially to gay guys who like muscles. And you are going inside. Even if you don’t like the bodybuilder set.

Tawan is one of Bangkok’s oldest gay gogo bars and home to a stable of muscle studs.

If you are a fan of well-built guys, you’ll be in heaven. If not, it’s just as well. This is your first gogo bar experience and you’ll do better if the guys are not those of your dreams. A side benefit is that you, like many before you, may become a Thai aficionado and may eventually start participating on the gay Thailand message boards. When you do, you’ll actually have had experience at Tawan and can voice an informed opinion instead of just repeating rumors you’ve heard from others.

Tawan’s first show nightly starts around ten. You want to be there a bit before to get comfortable. And then enjoy the show. Whether you like muscle guys or not, Tawan still puts on one of the better shows in town. You’ll see lots of flesh. And lots of hard dick. Welcome to Bangkok baby! The guys who work there occasionally approach customers, but they are not pushy about it. So it’s a great gogo for first timers to wet their appetite at. Feel free to chat with them, feel them, and tip them accordingly. When the show is over, like with 90% of the other customers, it’s time for you to leave. Leave alone. If muscle studs are your thing, you can return after checking out the action on Soi Twilight. Which is your next destination.

Soi Twilight is Bangkok’s main drag for gay gogo bars.

To get to Twilight, walk back the way you came, past the Patpong Night Market, and look for the Family Mart on the opposite side of the street. Soi Twilight, well lit with neon, extends down off Suriwong at this corner. There are beer bars, open to the soi, and two restaurants where you can sit, grab a beer, and watch the action. Despite what the barkers will tell you, none of the bars have a show happening again until midnight.

You’ve got about an hour to kill. And there are plenty of bois to kill it with without entering any of the clubs. As the midnight hour approaches, pick a gogo bar and get ready for your second show of the night. The difference from what you experienced at Tawan is that the guys will not be as muscular, there will be fem boys on stage too. And this time you’re buying.

People watching, drooling over the guys, or shooting a game of pool are all fun pastimes on Soi Twilight.

Yeah, yeah, you don’t do prostitution. I’ve heard that before. But just like with escort services back home, you are not buying sex, you are buying companionship. And that is the point of tonight’s purchase. Even if it does end in sex. Which will be up to you. Pick out a boy who attracts you and who speaks passable English. You can refer to the First Timers Guide To Bangkok Gogo Bar posts in this blog to learn how to off a gogo boy and what that pleasure will cost you. But where those articles assume you will be immediately headed back to your hotel for some fun, for tonight you’re headed back over toward Silom Soi 4 for some dancing instead. With your new friend.

The reason I suggest hiring a companion for the final part of your evening is twofold. First, depending on when the two of you leave the bar he’ll know which club, DJ Station or G.O.D., you should be headed to and he’ll lead the way keeping you from getting lost. Second, though there are plenty of moneyboys and even the occasional freebee filling the clubs, walking in with a partner is always more fun. Even if you haven’t been in a disco or on a dance floor in decades, you’re in Bangkok and it’s time to party.

Getting up close and personal with a bar boy is what one night in Bangkok is all about.

Don’t worry that you don’t know the latest moves, the beat is the same as it was back when John Travolta was still a hottie, and you are probably white so no one expects you to not look ridiculous on the dance floor. Not that Asians fare any better. Gangnam Style is to dancing what William Hung was to singing. An added bonus to bringing a bar boy to the club with you is that he probably knows half the guys there, and you may quickly find yourself in the middle of a party.

Before you known it the lights in the bar will come up and your evening will be over. Even if most of the inhabitants of the city consider it now morning. If you decide to part ways with your new friend at the club, his tip should be the same as for any short-time off. Or you may decide to invite him back to your hotel for the sunrise, though it’ll probably be a moon that your eyes focus on instead. Either way you’ll have had an experience that you’ll remember for years to come. You can also consider waking up sometime in the early afternoon with the mother of all hangovers part of your experience too. But it’s all good. You’re in Bangkok baby! And tomorrow night you can do it all over again.

The experience of finding religion at G.O.D. in Bangkok: priceless.

The third of the Top Ten Bangkok experiences, which I’ll cover in the next post in this series, starts the next day, late enough for your head to have made its way back onto your shoulders. It will be much more gentle on your wallet, since you probably blew about $150 on this one (not counting dinner or transportation, but including a long-time off tip, and assuming you were not stupid enough to play pool for money with a local boy while visiting Soi Twilight). Unless you still haven’t sent the boy you offed from the bar back home yet.

Related Posts You Might Enjoy:

First Timers Guide To Bangkok Gay Gogo Bars

If It Walks Like A Duck: The What’s What Of Bangkok’s Gay Bar Scene

The Myth That Is Tawan

Bangkok’s Wat Khaek: Eh, It Coulda Been Wat Farang

Tags

Bangkok, Wats

Wat Khaek is not your typical Thai temple.

To say Thais are a bit xenophobic is an understatement. It’s a cultural paradox that they view themselves and their country as far superior to everyone else while at the same time tend to be in awe of other cultures too. Historically, they’ve dealt with that issue by assimilating other cultures into theirs, and then claiming ownership rights while ignoring any origins outside of their own country. This is quite evident in Thailand’s brand of Buddhism where gods and goddesses from other religions also play central roles. It is not unusual to find Hindu gods, for example, in places of honor at Thai temples. It’s just not that you often stumble upon a wat where the gods of India have taken over.

It should come as no surprise to regular readers of this blog that I’m a wat aficionado. Any wat is a good wat to me. Big or small, popular or known only to those living in its immediate area, I’m always ready to step inside of any temple in Thailand I happen upon. My friend Noom, who is always willing to have a few words with Buddha, doesn’t mind the frequent wat pit stops I make. Other friends – who are usually watted out within the first few days of a visit – are less willing to indulge me. But I’m sure the gods take note of their impatience and will respond accordingly at some later date, perhaps when deciding whether those who have whined about having to see yet another wat should come back as a wealthy person or a cockroach in their next life.

It didn’t take too many visits to Bangkok for me to have checked out all the temples in and around the areas of the city more heavily frequented by touri. A few deserved more than one visit, but for the most part it’s been a been there done that attitude for years. So it’s odd that I never bothered to stop by Wat Khaek. It’s right on Silom Road, I’ve walked past it, or rode past it, a few hundred times at least. Maybe it was a bit of Thai xenophobia assimilated into my own system, a when in Rome do as the Romans do attitude that kept me from making a visit. And that makes sense. Wat Khaek, the temple’s colloquial name, literally translates as the Temple of Guests. More to the point, kàak is a common expression for people of Indian descent, making the temple’s common name an obvious euphemism for a group of people not particularly wanted as permanent residents. Unlike the locals, I’m not prone to looking down my nose at outsiders, but I’d be no more interested in visiting Wat Farang than I was in taking a closer look at Wat Khaek.

With all the colors of the rainbow you’d suspect Wat Khaek might be gay.

It doesn’t help that Wat Khaek does not look like a Thai temple. There are no soaring roof lines decked out in red tiles and topped with golden chofah. There are no massive white pillars, no grand staircases flanked by Naga. Instead, the temple is a wild collision of colors, a jumble of flamboyant gods and goddesses all seeming to battle for attention. Thai wats tend to have an air of tranquility about them. Wat Khaek more closely takes on the air of the hectic and congested traffic just outside its doors. But then the wat is not about the serenity of Buddha. It’s a Hindu temple. And it is dedicated to Maha Mariamman, the legendary Goddess of Death.

More properly known as Wat Phra Si Maha Umathewi to Thais and the Sri Maha Mariamman Temple to touri and those of Indian descent, Wat Khaek is one of the only two Hindu temples in Bangkok. Built around 1879 in a style specific to the temples of southern India, the wat is an important spiritual landmark for the local Tamil Hindu community. All those tailors have to have somewhere to go to beseech the gods to bring an unsuspecting touri or two their way. Not that Wat Khaek being a Hindu temple keeps Buddhists away mind you. Thais too worship here; many of the Hindu gods figure just as prominently in their individualistic approach to the Buddhist religion. My decision to finally visit the temple was stirred by Noom’s conversion to Hinduism, which in turn was stirred by his close alliance to and great love of Ganesha, the elephant god, who is responsible for bringing Noom all of the good things in life that he wants. And deserves.

Figuring a Hindu temple had to have a statue of Ganesha in it, I thought Noom would appreciate stopping by for a one-on-on with the big trunked guy. As we sailed past in a taxi one night on our way to Soi Twilight for my version of religion I asked him if he’d ever visited the temple. “I ever not been,” was his reply. Which convinced me that we had to visit, as well as convincing me that the gods had ignored my pleas regarding his insistence of turning a positive English word into the negative by throwing in a not or two.

Wat Khaek’s main entrance is on Pan Road, not Silom. If that matters to you.

To both of our delight, it turned out Ganesha was in fact well represented inside of the temple. He’s one of the three main gods at Wat Khaek. There’s also a few hundred more. Not to mention a reclining Buddha that seems a bit out of place. And to my delight – though of far less interest to Noom – there is also a small, central shrine containing a shiva lingam, a Hindu phallus symbol; anytime you can incorporate dick into a religious building you get extra points in my book. But Noom, who only worships dick when it means baht is involved, kept his focus where it belonged and quickly led me to where we could conveniently buy pre-proportioned offerings of milk, bananas, and incense to honor Ganesha with.

Duty done, having cared for Noom’s soul, his bank account’s future, and getting to check another wat off my list, I assumed we were done with the rather cramped and smoky temple; it provided a good juxtaposition for the more usual places of worship you find in Bangkok, and the colorful deities crammed into every available place on its facade were interesting, but none of it impacted me in the way most Thai wats do. Noom, as usual, had other ideas. He’d discovered there was a special observance for Ganesha the following week. And obviously, we had to be there for it.

This time we entered properly through the main gopuram, located on Pan Road. After having spent an inordinate amount of time perusing the offerings for sale from the vendors streetside. I’ve spent less time selecting a bar boy for the night than Noom spent on deciding exactly which garlands and which packages of Ganesha-specific offerings we needed to buy. It wasn’t just a question of what, but the arrangement mattered too as he gathered the items he knew were most appropriate, handing me my religious booty and making sure I held them in their proper order, before pulling one wad of incense sticks out from my grasp to discard it for another, and better one.

Ganesha is honored with a procession monthly at Wat Khaek.

Inside, the temple was packed with worshipers (Ganesha is popular with all Thais who are in pursuit of money – which means pretty much every Thai), the atmosphere was intense, and we managed to arrive with just enough time to get a Paki dot on our foreheads before the procession began. And ended. Ganesha’s travel around the temple doesn’t take long. But the crowd of worshipers was suitable impressed nonetheless. As was Noom until he found out if you drop by the temple the day before you can have a special prayer said in your name during the ceremony. Unfortunately, I was headed back home before the celebration happened again – it is held on the fourth day after the full moon every month – but I’m sure Noom made a return pilgrimage the following month.

Difficult to miss, Wat Khaek is open to visitors from 6am to 8pm Saturdays through Thursdays, and until 9pm on Fridays. There are rituals conducted every afternoon, and several monthly celebrations in addition to those held for the major Hindu holy days. It’s not specifically a Thai site, but well worth a visit. Especially if you want Ganesha to spread a bit of wealth in your direction.

Colorful and visually confusing, Wat Khaek is difficult to miss when traveling down Silom Road.

Related Posts You Might Enjoy:

I Fell In Love With A Bar Boy: A Crowded, Cramped, Dank Passage To India

Wat Benchamabophit: Bangkok’s Marble Temple

Wat Ratchanadda: Bangkok’s Wedding Cake Like Temple Frosted In Iron Spikes

The Top Ten Bangkok Experiences: Part 1 – Not The Grand Palace

Tags

Bangkok, Markets & Shopping, Transportation, Wats

What not to see is as important when it comes to travel advice as what you do need to see.

A friend who is planning his first visit to Bangkok recently asked me for my recommendations on what he should do and see during the ten days he will be there. Not being the sharpest crayon in the box, he’d done lots of research on the internet first, and had quite an extensive list that he’d culled off of the ubiquitous Bangkok Top Ten lists that every travel site, blogger, and guide book seems to feel the need to publish. Nine times out of ten they list Jim Thompson’s House, which should give you a clue to how in-touch they are with the pulse of the city. Not that Jim’s place isn’t nice. But if you are counting off the top ten best places to see or things to do, a farang’s house/silk store really doesn’t cut it. I can easily think of ten things to see in Bangkok that would be more memorable. The Erawan Museum (the three-headed elephant building) should certainly be considered before Jim’s house. Unless you are an 80-year-old.

There are sites, then there are experiences. Anytime you can combine the two you have a winner. So that’s one of my criteria in recommending where you should go in Bangkok, and just as importantly, what you should do. There is a lot you can cram into a ten day visit too. Which is the worst possible idea. You can not experience a place you visit when you are busy running from one spot to the next must-see place on your list. So that too is a factor in what I would suggest for an itinerary – not overloading the day to the point that all you can remember from your trip was that you were exhausted.

Just as important as seeing everything a place has to offer, is doing nothing. Sitting idly and soaking up the ambience of any place is one of the best ways you can spend an afternoon. So almost every suggestion I make includes ample vegetating time. The one thing that I can’t add to my top ten list would be at least five of them. Because I haven’t a clue what they would be. Getting lost – which sounds more productive than wandering aimlessly – is one of the best ways to experience somewhere you’ve never been before. Sure, it’s not like you are gonna stumble across anything as regally magnificent as the Grand Palace, but you will find you will appreciate even more the little things that you do see.

This is Wat Arun. You’ve now seen it and can check it off your list.

Lastly, in case you haven’t already skipped to the actual list, I seldom recommend a singular site. So, for example, the #1 experience on my list is actually two. Three if you go on the right day. Or four if you do it at the right time of the day. Five if you count seeing one of the sites almost all lists include, though on mine it’s only in passing. And ‘cuz I’m an American and don’t do the metric system, my #1 recommendation can easily be six things, which ensures your body, soul, stomach, and mind have all been equally pampered.

Lastly, you might have noticed this post’s title says Part One. That’s ‘cuz I’m, not gonna give you all ten of Bangkok’s top experiences at one time. Y’all are too easily confused. So I’m keeping this simple and dragging out the info over ten posts. That also allows me to add links at the bottom that further cover the places I’ll mention. That way I don’t have to bog you down with details now. If you are interested in more info, those other posts will fill in the gaps. And so we’re off . . .

Yes, the Grand Palace is grand. And well worth a visit. You can use it as an excuse to come back to Bangkok again. Ten days isn’t long enough to see everything there is to see in Bangkok, and one day is not long enough to see both the Grand Palace and Wat Pho. Which is what most people try to do and end up not fully experiencing either. It’s a holiday, not a check-list. So skip the Grand Palace and do Wat Pho instead. The Reclining Buddha is more impressive than the Emerald Buddha (which, if it really was made of emerald would make a difference). Wat Pho is also interactive, so you’ll have more fun. And you can get a real Thai massage, possibly the best non-happy ending one in Bangkok.

Seeing street food in Bangkok is not an experience. Eating it is.

Take one of the express boats up the Chao Phraya River to get to Wat Pho. That is an experience in itself. And you’ll get to see Wat Arun along the way, which if you are following my advice you won’t be otherwise visiting. At Wat Pho do not just dash in for a quick look at the Reclining Buddha. Take at least an hour to wander through the entire complex. And then stop and get a massage before you leave.

When you are done with the wat, head toward the Grand Palace but walk along the riverside of the street. There is a small street market along the path, bigger on weekends, but worth a slow stroll any day of the week. When you get to Tha Chang Pier, stop and have lunch. Or at least a snack. You can not say you’ve experienced Bangkok if you have not tried some street food and there are enough vendors at the pier offering a wide enough variety of food that you’ll find something you’ll like. But don’t over do it. You have more walking to do.

After lunch head back out to the main road and turn left. Pat yourself on the back as you do ‘cuz you get to ignore all the local touts who want to tell you the Grand Palace is closed. You aren’t headed there anyway. Your destination is the Mahathat amulet market, which starts as soon as you turn left and proceed on your journey. During the week there may only be a few street vendors, but all of the stores in the old shop houses will be open. On weekends the street is lined with temporary vendors offering every possible thing a good Buddhist needs for a happy life, and more on top of that. You will be fascinated. And occasionally repulsed. Watch for the large piles of amulets, they run about 5 baht each and make for a great, cheap, souvenir.

Even downtime can be productive. Especially when it is in a covered pedestrian mall cooled by river breezes.

On the opposite side of the street for most of your walk will be the wall and occasional gate for Wat Mahathat. And no, you won’t be seeing that wat either. But where the wall ends, watch for a small lane on your side of the street leading toward the river. This is Trok Phra Chan Klang. It’s a shady, cool little covered arcade where you can stop and have a nonalcoholic drink. Even better, you can have your fortune told. Thais take fortune telling quit seriously, and even if you are not a believer you will be suitably impressed with the wealth of information about you and your future that you get for about $3.00. You may also discover that you need a specific amulet or talisman to ward off some of the bad luck the fortune teller saw coming your way. No problemo. You’re gonna have to backtrack through the amulet market to get to the riverboats again and with a shopping list you’ll have something to do.

You’ll be re-boarding the express boats from the same pier you disembarked at several hours ago. Yes, you could get on at the Tha Chang Pier instead, but then you’d miss one of the most important parts of today’s outing. Just before Tha Tien Pier (the one you want) there is a riverside park. It’s not impressive as parks go, mostly a few walkways, a lawn area or two, some flower beds – in case you need a photograph of a lotus – and a handful of concrete benches. But that’s cool. You are not there to be impressed. You are there to do what a holiday is all about: nothing. Pick a spot, kick back, and just enjoy life. The traffic on the river will keep your attention, and the people watching along the river’s bank ain’t bad either.

A full day’s outing – which you do not have to jump out of bed at some ungodly hour for – this is my #1 recommendation for your first full day in town. It’ll give you a great overview of the people of Bangkok, and you’ll get to sneak in some culture without having to visit some stuffy museum. Better yet, it’s cheap. Admission fees, massage, feeding satang into alms bowls, lunch, a cheap souvenir, having your fortune told, refreshments, and transpo along the river will set you back less than $25.00 per person. And that’s a good thing. ‘Cuz your #2 Bangkok experience ain’t gonna be cheap . . .

Bangkokians take their religious amulet purchases seriously. And, seriously, you should pick up a cheap one as a souvenir of your day’s outing too.

Related Posts You Might Enjoy:

Rolling On The River: The Chao Phraya Riverboats

In Search Of Love, Money, Or A Big Dick

Bangkok’s Wat Pho and the Reclining Buddha

Buddhism 101: Moms Maybe

Tags

Wats

Naga, Markara, or Mom? I’m thinking a Buddhist version of the Cookie Monster.

Okay, so that title’s a pun intended to those of a certain age and era, but if you’ve been to a wat in Northern Thailand those creatures you leaned a hand against while taking off your shoes could have been moms. Maybe.

“Aha!” I said, having learned those dragon looking creatures used as a balustrade at many temples in Thailand were actually Naga, a popular mythological beast in Thailand and throughout SE Asia.

“Aha!” I said having learned that some of those naga were actually markara, and then for the sake of clarity some too are markara with naga sprouting from their mouth,

“WTF?” I said having learned the creatures I’d just taken a photo of were neither naga or markara. Sure it looked more like a worm than a snake, but I’d just assumed it was some kind of larval naga.

If it’s a cross between a dragon and a snake, it’s probably a Naga.

Obtaining a state of enlightenment can sometimes be a bitch. Especially when it comes to all of the fanciful creatures that inhabit the typical temple in Thailand. You’d think they’d make it easy like in the Christian faith and just stick to one god. Oh, wait . . . there’s all those saints the Catholics favor too. But seriously, just how many mythical water born creatures do you need?

Evidently, as with Mount Olympus’ pantheon, when it comes to the Himmapan Forest, quantity is more important than quality. And when you lived in an agricultural community in SE Asia, you can never have enough gods to pray to for rain. Naga, the more commonly spotted cross between a snake and a dragon with anywhere from one to seven heads, has its origins in Buddhist myth by way of Hinduism; a protector of The Buddha during a nasty downpour, he’s usually associated with water. And the closer you live to the Mekong, the more his legend moves from being an influence on precipitation to holding godly sway over the mighty river.

If that naga looks like something is eating it, it’s probably a Markara.

Markara – which took the same religious journey to SE Asia as did the naga – too are a powerful symbol in a culture where water plays a crucial role in daily life and agricultural activities. If Naga can best be described as looking like a snake, markara comes closest to looking like a crocodile – except for having the snout or trunk of an elephant, the tusks and ears of a wild boar, the darting eyes of a monkey, the scales and flexible body of a fish, and the swirling tail feathers of a peacock. Like with naga, markara are often used as balustrades on northern Thai temples, sometime sprouting naga from their mouths, sometimes sprouting vegetables or plants. Which should clue you in to its heavenly purpose having much to do with fertility and rain. Once again.

Interestingly (to me) and though it has nothing to do with mom (at last not mine), markara is the origin of the word for crocodile in Hindi, which is mugger. Which in turn evolved into the same word in the English language, meaning a criminal who sneaks up and attacks someone. The Thais took a different linguistic route however, and markara are generally viewed as guardians when they appear at the entrance to buildings in wats.

And if it looks more like a slug, albeit a vicious one, it’s probably a Mom.

So if it looks like a naga, walks like a naga, and isn’t a markara . . . if you are up north, there’s a good chance it’s a mom. Like his serpentine and crocodilian brethren, mom too are often the focal decoration at the base of stairways in Thai temples. Some scholars claim he is a Burmese / Lanna variant of the markara, but with a rounder and jowlier head. So not so much a snake or crocodile, but more of a worm. With teeth. And like with naga and markara, mom often serve as guardians at Buddhist temples whose job is to frighten monsters away.

A mug only a mother could love. But that one belongs to a Markara.

Mom too come to Thailand by way of Hinduism, where they are depicted looking more like hybrid of a cat or lion with a bit of gecko thrown in for luck. For its Buddhist use – though supposedly a great deal smarter than humans – they serve as a warning against clinging to things; mom hold onto what they have and know, and so are unable to achieve enlightenment. More importantly to matters of physical rather than spiritual survival, they control the sources of rain and are the guardians of life-giving energy in its waters.

In ancient Lanna times – which probably also means currently in rural agricultural areas of Northern Thailand – mom are prayed to for rain. During the hot dry period, before planting, farmers would put a carved representation of the mom in a wicker basket and carry it in procession through the village and to the temple. So like with both the naga and markara, at times, mom too symbolize water and fertile soil. You wouldn’t think you’d need three different heavenly creatures for one job, but then rain to a agricultural people is often a matter of life or death. So it’s good that there is no need for putting all of your eggs in one basket. And it’s not like the holy trinity thingy hasn’t been used in other religious belief systems.

Though sometimes it’s easier to identify a ladyboy than which mythical creature is guarding that wat.

Related Posts You Might Enjoy:

Buddhism 101: Monday, Monday

The Oasis @ Wat Jed Rin

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Songkran In Thailand: Dealing With The Damage Done

Tags

Stupid Tourist Tricks

Songkran and cellphone technology do not mix well.

Despite how much you may not enjoy getting thoroughly drenched during the Songkran festivities, a good towel is all it takes to make matters right. Hell, find a dry spot away from the water fights and Thailand’s hot tropical sun alone will quickly dry you off. Unfortunately, the same can not be said about your cellphone. And with that little marvel of technology being firmly affixed to almost everyone’s hip these days, the 1.3 million cellphone dealers at MBK are undoubtedly looking forward to a flood of business after this weekend’s festivities are over. The waterfall of baht soon headed there way is gonna make the amount of water thrown during Songkran look like a mere puddle.

No problemo. Every cloud has a silver lining. Even when it’s not a rain cloud at fault but some damn smiling Thai with a bucket of water instead. You may not be looking at having to replace your cellphone, not too mention having to upgrade for your bar boy’s phone too while you’re at it. There are options. And I won’t mention that ounce of prevention thingy ‘cuz ya know I’m just not one of those I Told You So kinda guys. But if the following doesn’t work for you, give me a call. Oh, wait . . .

When you discover you were not smart enough to leave your phone at home and it, along with you, got drenched, here’s what to do:

The loss of his cellphone is one of the most traumatic events in a bar boy’s life. Until he remembers that you’ll always buy him a new one.

1. Turn It Off. Immediately. Seconds count, so do not delay. The quicker you turn off the device the better chance you’ll have of saving it. If you are unable to do so in the normal manner, pop out the phone’s battery to shut it down. If you can’t turn it off chances are that the water will soon cross a critical connection and short the device, meaning certain death. If you can turn it off, congratulations you went from a zero percent chance of recovery to a 50 percent chance of recovery.

2. Dry It Off. Use a towel, your shirt, or your boy du jour’s shirt. Just don’t get distracted from the task at hand if you go with the third option. Shake it like you would a Polaroid picture (the phone, not your boy). Do not use a hair dryer, or microwave oven to dry your phone, either will cause more damage than good.

3. Take Out The Sim Card. If you are at home or your hotel, us a vacuum cleaner to suck what moisture you can from where the Sim card was, as well as from any speaker holes and power ports. If you do not have access to a vacuum cleaner, your boy du jour is probably an expert at sucking on things; it’s worth a try.

4. Be Glad You Are Into Rice. DampRid sachets and silica packets work better, but are more difficult to lay your hands on quickly – and you’ve got about 10 minutes max – so either fill a bowl or zip lock bag with uncooked white rice and put your phone in it. Ignore the fact that putting your phone in that zip lock bag earlier in the day would have saved you from a lot of grief. Cover the bowl or seal the bag and keep your phone in it over night. If you are also saving your boy du jour’s phone, this is a handy excuse for why he has to spend the night with you.

It’s not a bad idea to place your phone in its bag or bowl on top of a TV (this doesn’t work with a TV mounted on the wall) . The heat from the TV will remove moisture from the phone. But it also gives your boy du jour an excuse to watch Thai sit-comes into the early hours of the morning. Saving your phone may not be worth that experience.

5. Wait. Leave your phone in the bowl or bag for a full 24 hours at a minimum. 48 hours is even better. Though that will give your boy du jour time to convince you to just buy him a new phone. Or you can use this time to reflect upon your stupidity, atone for your sins, or visit a local wat to make merit in the hope Buddha will intercede on your phone’s behalf.

6. Cross Your Fingers. After at least a full 24 hours have expired, cross your fingers, say a prayer, rub your favorite spot on your boy du jour for luck, and power up your phone. There’s no guarantee that it will come back to life – probably like with what you experienced rubbing your boy du jour’s spot to bring it back to life – but if it dried out and the logic board wasn’t damaged your odds are fairly good that your phone will be good as new. And a lot cleaner.

The above steps also work well on iPods, or when it is not the Songkran holiday and you drop your phone in the toilet while cruising a shopping mall’s restroom.

Note that if it was your boy du jour’s phone that you saved, he might not be pleased.

If your cellphone is beyond saving and you were lucky enough to have foolishly bought an iPhone, all’s not lost. This week Apple agreed to pay $53 million to settle a class action lawsuit filed by countless iPhone and iPod Touch owners who claim that the company failed to honor its own warranty. The consumer complaints all revolve around a tricky little strip of tape inside the phone known as the Liquid Contact Indicator (LCI) that’s supposed to indicate whether or not the device has sustained water damage. If so, the tape would turn pink. So for a long time, if an Apple employee opened up a malfunctioning iPhone or iPod and found pink tape, the warranty was immediately voided.

There’s only one problem with this patented magic tape that the geniuses at Apple used to determine which phones had been dropped in a toilet and which had simply stopped working. The tape didn’t work. The tape’s maker, 3M, has admitted humidity, and not water contact, could cause the color to turn pink. And nothing says humidity better than Thailand in April.

For many customers, this $53 million settlement will serve to compensate those in the class about $200, though it applies only to early iPhone models (original, 3G and 3Gs) and the first three generations of iPod Touches. If you have a newer device, you’ll still need to be careful when you’re texting in the restroom.

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I Fell In Love With A Bar Boy: The Day The Music Died

Songkran In Thailand: Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader?

And All I Did Was Break Your Heart