Sex Break: A Roof Top Bar For The Other 99%

Tags

Bangkok, Hotels and Restaurants

Just because The Hangover II wasn’t filmed here doesn’t mean it’s not a great place to work on yours.

My friend me (AKA Dave) exemplifies the phrase ‘functioning alcoholic’. Granted, he has the alcoholic part down pat, the functioning half of the equation, not so much. But he’s one of those heavy drinkers who gets happier and happier the more he drinks. And a happy Dave makes for a fun-filled night. The two of us have travelled the world together. I focus on pesky details like airline tickets, where we’ll stay, and all of the touristy things the guidebooks say we have to do. Dave hones in on the locales’ best watering holes. Even before the internet made that an easy task, Dave always managed to hit the ground knowing exactly where the best places were to hang out at night. I never could figure out where he got his information, or if there was some genetic code deep within his soul that just automatically lead him to a city’s best bars, pubs, and nightclubs. But whether it was some hole in the wall dive serving the world’s strongest drinks, or the city’s ritziest bar renown for its menu of a world-class selection of scotch, Dave knew about the place.

Bangkok, being the city of shameless excess that it is, quickly became one of our favorite foreign haunts. And though we spent far too much time hanging out in Patpong while making sure there was no bar, club, or gogo within Bangkok’s infamous red light district that we didn’t try at least once, Dave’s bohemian spirit in its never ending search for the ultimate buzz often led the two of us further astray. Soi Cowboy also got its fair due, as did Nana Plaza, neither of which today holds a candle to what they were decades ago when pure raunch was the name of the game. And since booze always trumped boys in Dave’s mind, we spent time debating with drink in hand whether Balcony or Telephone was the better pub, and laughing about Dave – who continues to insist he is straight – always being the one that attracted the guys working at the gay gogo bars. With the city’s thousands of hotspots where you can exchange baht for booze, the possibilities for a night out were and are endless. Not that that stopped Dave from trying to hit every one.

The funky art bar look of the ground floor disguises the goods tucked away just a few floors up.

We eventually migrated to Khaosan Road, where despite the hordes of backpackers who put the neighborhood on the map, bar after bar after pub after dingy bar offered a great place to tie one on as well as a never ending source of cheap and free-flowing booze. And a party crowd filling a surprising amount of places offering live music. A local band singing English pop songs from a decade ago while Euro-trash and Canadian backpackers intermix while trying to look cool and above it all is the perfect if somewhat surreal ambiance for downing cocktails that have little to do with the mixes their name supposedly signifies.

But as fun as any city’s puke-in-the-gutters hotspot may be, there are those sweet venues that siphon off the creme off the top, local hangouts open to foreign visitors where the pretentious meet the truly artistic, and where you can get totally shit-faced without paying the ramped up prices fixed by what the locals assume a foreigners would be willing to pay. Not far from Khaosan is one of the better ones Dave mysteriously knew of, and a local hangout I’ve been back to countless times since.

Phranakorn Bar, across Rachadamnoen Road and a block down a small soi called Klang Tai, is just an arm’s length away from Khaosan but a world away from its hype. It’s a bar, a restaurant, a pool hall, an art gallery . . . an eclectic mix of purpose that perfectly matches its decor, ambiance, and clientele. And its open-terrace rooftop bar is the perfect place to watch the sun set over the Old City with views of the Golden Mount and Democracy Monument.

Attracting a mix of students, local artists, and travelers from all around the world, the grubby first floor is a dodgy cafe that looks like a Thai art bar trying a bit too hard. But looks can be deceiving. One floor up the place turns into an art gallery with ever changing exhibitions featuring the work of young local artists, many of whom hang out at the place. The one exhibit space that doesn’t change is the Phranakorn Bar’s owner’s who fancies himself a photographer and really isn’t all that bad. Be a bit more effusive over his work and you’ll likely score a drink or two on the house.

Hectic, eclectic, and colorful, each floor at the Phranakorn Bar is a world unto itself.

If the art scene isn’t your scene, one more flight upwards lands you in a small, sparsely furnished pool hall – and bless them, its not one of those places that threw a pool table or two in as an afterthought that forces you to try to remember which 6 ball you had to designate as the missing 13 ball – where the music piped in changes to a mix of indie, house, or ’80s retro tunes. With cheap booze and never much of a wait for a game, not to mention a steady stream of suckers who think they know what to do with a cuestick, Phranakorn’s third floor alone makes the place worthy of devoting a night or two of your time to hanging out there.

But the best is yet to come, and a rainbow of quirky retro furniture lit by candles and Christmas tree lights is where you’ll bag a killer rooftop vista without the usual killer prices on Phranakorn’s fourth floor. This ain’t the Sky Bar at Lebua, so don’t expect expertly mixed cocktails – even though the place does offer an extensive list – grab a beer or a bucket of whiskey instead and kick back while enjoying their menu of authentically Thai drinking snacks and main dishes – just as reasonably priced as the booze – while a weird mix of Thai pop, jazz, and classical music plays softly in the background. It’s not a glamourous place, nor does it hit the dingy hole-in-the-wall atmosphere that real drinkers seek out; it’s more of a student’s bar, a bit retro, a bit funky, and charming to a fault. It’s Cheers without the annoying blonde waitress or soon to go postal regular hogging the best seat in the house.
Phranakorn Bar is also set right in the middle of Ratta

A clean, well-lit place to shoot a game of pool . . . what more could you ask for?

Phranakorn Bar is also set right in the middle of Rattanakhosin’s mini-gay neighborhood (primarily geared toward the local university population) with the popular Sa-Ke and TG Street clubs just a stone’s throw away which means a lot of the late night dance crowd starts their evening off at Phranakorn. Just in case you prefer your eye candy gay.

Located at 58/2 Soi Damnoen Klang Tai, Ratchadamnoen Klang Road, Phranakorn Bar is open daily from 6p.m. to 1 a.m. – which can mean 2 a.m. on Friday and Saturday nights. It’s a nice change from the touristy Soi 4 bars, and while it may not quite offer the killer views of the Sky Bar, drinks run a quarter of the price and you’ll be tempted to spend your entire evening kicking back, enjoying the breeze, and watching Bangkok’s art crowd at play.

Related Posts You Might Enjoy:

Sex Break: Faking It

Muay Thai for the Muy Loco

Just Another Roadside Attraction: Thailand’s Top 10 Tourist Traps

In Thailand, Money Really Does Grow On Trees

Tags

Money Matters

Making merit is a Thai Buddhist concept, a belief that by doing a good deed you are honoring the gods, which will have a positive effect on your karma. Or that it will at least make the fates look kindly on you and intercede on your behalf. Like giving you the lucky numbers for the lottery. Think what you will about the preponderance of merit making activities involving the outlay of cash, the funds often go to a local wat and really is not that different from the donation plate passed on Sundays in Christian churches. Though the Thai version of collecting donations is usually a bit more fun. Whether it is purchasing a bundle of incense to light at the temple, or a caged bird to set free, merit making and scoring some spiritual brownie points is an interactive way for people to donate to a worthy cause: their salvation.

I have visited wats when the temple is holding a money drive for renovations or repairs and have done my part by purchasing metal bodhi leaves that you write your name on and then hang on a what often becomes a rather large ‘tree’. 20 baht will buy you the right to participate in institutionalized graffiti, and for a touri it’s kinda a cool thing to do. In a much more commonly seen version, they do away with the bodhi leaves and the faithful tie cold hard cash to the tree. Money trees are a common sight in Thailand. I’d love to get some seeds to grown one back at my home. I’m not much of a tree hugger, but with my very own money tree I’d fully embrace the idea of going green.

While to some money may be no object, to others it is an object of religious devotion. Money trees are popular at wats when there is a specific need to be funded; they are also de rigueur during any major Buddhist observance. Money trees get seeded and quickly grow to maturity during minor holiday celebrations at Thai temples too. But you will run across them outside of wats just as often. In Thailand money trees grow in stores, markets, and even bars. You’d think cash is the country’s #1 agricultural crop there are so many money trees growing all over the place. You’d also think when spotting one sitting out in public and completely unguarded that they’d be a good place to fill your wallet. Any farang stupid enough to give that a try would deserve the bloody beating headed his way. Karma can be instantaneous when you mess with The Buddha.

Though few Thais would be foolish enough to tempt the fates by harvesting the fruit of a money tree, it does happen. Last January a monk in Phuket got nabbed stealing a money tree from a small mom and pop grocery store. A same same but different type of corner stop and rob, the 56-year-old monk dropped in to the store and asked to use their restroom. On his way out, he grabbed the money tree that had been planted to raise funds for a local wat and ran off. The police were called, but local villagers found the monk first while he was trying to dispose of the tree, minus the baht it had once sported. They refused to let him go until he was no longer a monk. The temple held a different ceremony than originally planned with the monk turning in his robes during his defrocking ceremony.

I like discovering the origins of customs I run across in the Kingdom. Often I turn to my friend Noom for an explanation. Unfortunately the story he comes up with is often accompanied by a ‘Let’s See If He’ll Buy This One’ look. The internet is no better, but its misinformation isn’t accompanied by an obvious tell to alert you to bullshit. Nonetheless, since I found several sources that alluded to the same historical basis for money trees in Thailand I’ll pass on the knowledge, or tall tale as the case may be:

Called a Phaa Bpah (phaa = cloth, bpah = forest), the money tree stems from the practice of leaving robs for monks in the forest. Back in the day, monks were not allowed to receive their robes directly from laymen, so they had to use old, abandoned scraps of cloth and cut, sew and dye the robes for themselves. The faithful figured out a get-around and began leaving good cloth in the forests for monks to find; since the cloth was officially ‘abandoned’ monks could snag it to make their robes from. While that prohibition died out, the custom of providing robes to monks is still alive and well. For some, handing over cash is more connivent than delivering a bunch of robes so the custom of the money tree – harking back to the days when cloth was left in the forest – was initiated.

Presenting the fully mature money tree to the local wat is often accompanied by an elaborate ceremony and parade. It’s quite a sight to behold, and stumbling upon an unexpected celebration such as that when visiting a wat is a truly unique Thailand experience. Not quite as cool as having stumbled on the defrocking ceremony of that greedy monk, I’m sure, but cool nonetheless.

Related Posts You Might Enjoy:

On A Wing And A Prayer

Bonus Shot: Making Merit

Golden Motivation: The Karat Or The Shtick?

Sex Break: Faking It

Tags

Bangkok, Markets & Shopping

There are more ways to enjoy the stones of the world than just in getting your rocks off while in Bangkok.

It’s no wonder that Madison Avenue rarely searches for its talent in Thailand. Thais tend to be stuck at the Advertising 101 course level, preferring to stick to the tried and true rather than take a chance on an innovative approach to marketing. In all fairness they’ve done pretty well honoring tradition, there’s a lot of baht flowing into, through, and around the country. But beyond their reliance for pointing out the obvious (Look, Mista! Watch for you!) they tend to miss out on what should be obvious marketing opportunities.

Consider, for example, one of the countries best known touri experiences: the Gem Scam. Sure the locals make a mint off of unsuspecting touri who fall for the idea they can purchase quality gems and jewelry for a song and then make a killing by reselling their haul once back in their home country. But they could also easily dip into the wallets of those who are too wily to fall for that con, but who would still love to take home a glittering piece of bling. Knowledge may be power, but it’s also a good prevention against getting taken for a ride. Edumacation is the key, and for a Sex Break – unusual things to do in Bangkok between the hours you devote to getting your rocks off – learning a bit about the pricey bling you are considering buying can be both fun and profitable. Or at least you’ll find out yet another way Thais fake it.

A short tuk tuk ride away from Bangkok’s gay gogo bars, The Jewelry Trade Center on Silom is a 59-story high-rise that was the country’s tallest building when it was built is 1996; it is home to the Silom Galleria – a massive upscale shopping mall featuring jewelry, antiques, and art galleries – and the Asian Institute of Gemological Sciences (AIGS), South East Asia’s first educational facility devoted exclusively to the study of gemology. The Institute provides professional training for those planning a career in the gem and jewelry trade, as well as short courses aimed at expanding the knowledge and appreciation of gemstones among member of the general public. Consider yourself among the latter, and consider taking a day or a week to learn how not to become yet another victim of Thailand’s famous gem scams.

The Jewelry Trade Center is a towering party of Bangkok’s skyline.

Founded in 1978, AIGS is a major training facility with a stellar reputation throughout the world, but it also offers short day and 1-week courses for those who want or learn the basics of gems and jewelry. They offer a five-day course that meets for three hours each morning called the Introduction to Gems and Gemology, a beginning-level course that provides a basic introduction to major gemstones commonly found in the marketplace. In addition to lectures on gem varieties, identification, and basic properties that affect market value and pricing, this course offers practical buying tips on judging quality and value, as well as buying gems and jewelry in the Thailand and the synthetic and fake stones to watch out for. At $280, it is not a cheap touri activity, and it does require a full week of your holiday time, but for those on an extended trip with an interest in expanding their knowledge about gems and jewelry, it’s a great way to spend your morning hours.

For those with less time, you might instead try the one-day, 8 hour Basic Ruby & Sapphire Grading & Pricing, which sounds a lot more technical in nature than it is. The important part of this class is that by the end of the day you will be able to tell the difference between excellent and poor quality rubies and sapphires – the two stones Thailand is best known for. And then can laugh at the scam dealers trying to sell you a $3 stone for a few hundred bucks. At the prices rubies and sapphires can run you, the $170 tuition is well worth the expense.

AIGS also offers am 8-hour course during which you’ll learn how to differentiate between fresh water, south sea, and cultured pearls – as well as important tips on how to take good care of one’s pearls (for the Hi-So among us). Or for the jade enthusiast, a 2-day class devoted to this popular Asian gem in which you’ll learn how to grade and identify jadeite as opposed to nephrite, as opposed to all the other crap dealers try to pass off as jade.

The Silom Galleria at The Jewelry Trade Center offers gems, antiques, and art.

If you don’t have the time to take a class, AIGS also offers a gemological laboratory where for about $40 you can get a official reading on whether the jewelry you bought is real or not. Or for an additional $100, a report on what that piece of bling is really worth. ‘Cuz when you’ve been scammed it’s always good to know just how stupid you were.

It would be easy to assume that The Jewelry Trade Center – being the home to Thailand’s leading Institute on gemology as well as its lab for testing and valuing stones – would also be one of the best places in town to shop for jewelry. Or at least would be a scam-free haven for purchasing gems and jewelry. But this is Thailand. So instead it is also home to a few of the better known shops the Gem Scam tuk tuk drivers like to deliver you to. Huh. Maybe one of those classes might not be such a bad idea after all.

Not that you can’t find quality gems at The Jewelry Trade Center. You can. But you can also find poor quality stones that are being sold for ten times their value – Thailand’s gem scam is not about selling you a fake as much as it is about taking a lot more of your money than your purchase is worth. But a visit to The Jewelry Trade Center, or as it is more properly known due to its more recent face-lift, The Silom Galleria, is still worth your time. While the building’s chilly, echoing space has never quite taken off as the city’s center for its gem industry as it had hoped, it has managed to attract a fair number of art galleries.

Bangkok’s art scene is alive and well at The Silom Galleria.

Though not originally planned as a place for art, and while you’ll still have to climb over a lot of gem dealers to get to them, the Galleria’s basement is home a close to a dozen galleries featuring the work of local painters and sculptors. There’s also a gallery on each of the upper floors of the mall section of the building. Some specialize in traditional Thai art, others in more modern styles. And occasionally an exhibit of an international artists’ work is held.

You’ll also find high-end antiques at the Silom Galleria, though as with buying gemstones, it pays to be knowledgeable if you plan on dropping any significant sum of money. But for a few hours of window shopping – without the crowds – the Galleria can be an enjoyable place to spend some time before getting back to your main interest in visiting Thailand: its men.

The Jewelry Trade Center, the Asian Institute of Gemological Sciences, and the Silom Galleria are located at the riverside end of Silom Road, next to the Holiday Inn. The building is easy to find. Or just tell any tuk tuk driver you want to buy some jewelry and there’s a good chance that’s where he’ll take you.

Related Posts You Might Enjoy:

Pointing Out The Obvious, Or Why There Is No Madison Avenue In Thailand

Jade: The Imperial Gem

Gems, Scams, and Greed in Thailand

Eating Right: Rules To Dine By

Tags

Stupid Tourist Tricks

Wen’s been bugging me to do a post on street food for the newbie, but before you learn to run you need to learn to walk (though admittedly for some of your timid tummies it’s probably best you are adept at running before you try eating food from a street cart in Thailand). The less generous of you might consider the entire purpose of this post to be nothing more than an excuse to post some hot male flesh with food pix, but I’m good with that. Either way it’s a quick and easy article that will allow me to get back to my true passion in life: hot male flesh. Or food. Or eating hot male flesh.

We all – or most of us – have been taught polite dinner table manners; that it’s rude to rest your elbows on the table, that you shouldn’t chew with your mouth open, and for the more advanced among us, which fork or spoon to use with which course. My parents also taught me not to hide my unwanted lima beans in my brothers’ glass of milk. But I think that one was a specific rule directed toward me.

The table manners we learned as children and hopefully refined as young adults generally serve us well. Until you wind up somewhere where those rules fly out the window to be replaced by a set of rules completely foreign to you. In some countries burping after a meal is a sign that you were both well fed and enjoyed the meal. My parents scolded me for that one too. But watching the lima bean/milk mixture spurt out of my brothers’ nose when I let a loud belch rip was always worth the reprimand.

I learned early when I moved to Hawaii that it is considered both rude and bad luck to stick your chopsticks into your rice like you are planting a flag, a rule shared by many Asian cultures. Among the Inuit people of Canada, farting after a meal is an expression of thanks and appreciation (whereas the same gesture in Mexico is just considered an unavoidable part of life). Someone told me that it’s rude in France to use a knife to cut the lettuce in your salad. It seems every country or area of the world has their own little idiosyncrasies when it comes to what is and what is not considered to be polite while dining. And Thailand is no exception.

Short of belching after a meal while mumbling something about the royal family, Thais will generally forgive you for poor manners at the dining table. They consider Westerners much the same as a small child and rather than take offense, excuse us for being the ignorant fools that we are. It really isn’t a bad rep to have, you can get away with murder (actually you can get away with murder in Thailand, but that’s a different post). For those of you who would prefer to blend in rather than stand out in your farang-ness, here are a few tips on the intricacies of dining in Thailand, though it’s more about how than why your fellow diners are laughing at you:

Thai people eat constantly, or so it seems. The norm here is numerous small meals throughout the day rather than the three square meals you are probably used to. Not a bad routine to adopt on your visit; you will always be full, you’ll get to try more dishes, and you won’t cause a minor traffic jam of locals gawking at the weird American whose table is laden with enough food to feed a small family of twelve for the week. The downside? As a fellow traveller once said: “One fart and you’re hungry again.”

Okay, so pretend you have some cultural sense: Do not ask for chopsticks to eat Thai cuisine. Only a few Thai dishes are eaten with chopsticks, in which case they’ll be provided. The standard utensils in Thailand are a fork and a spoon.

Most Thai dining is done family style. That means all of the dishes are placed in the middle of the table and everyone helps themselves. It’s about sharing, not about being your piggy little self. So to do it right, you and your mate and/or friends can all order a dish you like, but when they are served everyone gets to eat off all of the dishes rather than hog the cashew chicken to themselves. And don’t get annoyed if all the dishes you order don’t come at the same time. Since Thais usually share everything they order, it doesn’t matter to them which dish is delivered to the table first.

There’s a bit more to dining in Thailand than just sharing: First, the big spoon at your table setting. It’s not there so you can shovel larger portions into your mouth. And just because you can fit lots of food on it doesn’t mean you should. Use it to scoop a portion of food off the main dishes with the idea of taking a spoonful of rice, topping it with a spoonful of one of the other dishes and then eating each dish one by one in this combination. In other words, you are eating a portion of each dish off your plate before adding more food to your plate, not filling it like you are at an all you can eat buffet (unless you are at an all you can eat buffet).

Next if you really want to show you know what you’re doing, master the art of using a fork. It is not a utensil used to spear solid pieces of food off your plate; use your fork to push food onto your spoon (not your serving spoon, dummy – you’re eating now, not putting food on your plate). The pushing motion should be toward yourself, if you really want to get this right. Then use the spoon to insert the food in your mouth. This will keep you from inserting your foot in your mouth instead.

If you are dining at a food court and really want to gross out the local you are dining with, ignore that rice cooker full of water when you are grabbing your utensils. Thais religiously rinse their utensils off in this water as a nod toward hygienic dining. As a Westerner, you know that a kettle of cold water that has been sitting out all day has little to do with fighting germs, so feel free to ignore it.

Many Thais consider grabbing the last piece of food off of a serving plate to be bad luck. And it is for the person who was hoping to claim that little morsel as their own. An old custom that is dying away is for the person who does take the last piece to make a wish on behalf of someone else – that morphs your misfortune into good luck ‘cuz you are thinking of someone else’s well-being for a change.

Lastly, at the end of the meal, using a toothpick to pry out the pieces of food that got stuck between your teeth is not considered rude. Not holding a hand in front of the action is. I think this is because Thais eat tiny portions of food and what you spear onto the end of your toothpick will look like another meal to them. But that’s just a guess. Of course if you are like many visitors to the Kingdom and dine nightly at McDonalds and/or KFC, you can ignore all of these dining rules and just be happy that corporate America has made the entire world a little slice of home away from home on your behalf.

Related Posts You Might Enjoy:

I Fell In Love With A Bar Boy: Just Kidding

Dont’s In Thailand: A More Realistic List Than the Other Guys’

Braving Street Food In Bangkok

Golden Motivation: The Karat Or The Shtick?

Tags

Bangkok, Markets & Shopping, Money Matters

In Thailand, the traditional gift to celebrate your One Night Anniversary is gold.

Nothing says I Love You to a Thai bar boy quite like the gift of gold. A bit of gold bling to show off how much his most recent admirer values him is never a bad thing. And when that farang hops on his plane for the return trip home, the boy can make a return trip to the gold shop to turn it in for baht. It’s no coincidence that the Thai weight measurement for gold and the nation’s currency share the same name. But then the belief that all bar boys are just after your money aside, gold in Thailand has always been viewed more as a commodity than as decoration for your body. And with the recent price of gold dropping faster than John Travolta to his knees at the sight of a male masseur, you can show your love for a fraction of what it would have cost you just a few months ago. Provided you can find some to buy. The gold that it. The boys are always plentiful.

The savvy punter concerned about the status of his bank account quickly learns a thing or two about dealing with bar boys. This may be a good time to learn a thing or two about how gold is bought, sold, and valued in Thailand too. Thanks to Cyprus’ decision to dump its gold reserves on the market last month, the precious metal’s value has decreased dramatically. With Slovenia, Hungary, Portugal, Spain, and Italy all in line to pull the same stunt, it may even go lower. Some industry experts claim $1,200 an ounce will soon be the standard. But many experts also predict its price will again soar, possibly even as high as it’s September 2011 peak of $1,920 in the near future. If you are willing to take the risk, gold can be a good short-term investment right now. That thought is responsible for a run on gold in Bangkok; many gold shops on Yaowarat Road have no gold for sale thanks to prices plunging below 20,000 baht.

Gold Traders Association chairman and owner of the Chin Hua Heng gold shop Jitti Tangsithpakdi reported last week that Bangkok’s famous gold buying neighborhood was facing a severe shortage due to the feeding frenzy caused by low prices. “There’s no gold to be sold because manufacturers can’t produce the items quick enough,” he said, adding that some gold shops have begun competing with each other in a battle to buy gold from sellers. For bullion right now, it takes 5 days to fill a customer’s order.

Baht for a Baht Chain: It’s how you say I Love You in Thai.

Though gold is currently running at about 20,200 baht per baht-weight – up from the price that had earlier tumbled to 18,600 – Jitti believes that by the end of the year it will return to its levels from the beginning of this year, between 24,000 and 25,000. But before you decided to cash in on what may seem like easy profits, you should know a few fundamentals about the gold trade in Thailand. And before you decide to cash your affections in on a bar boy, knowing how Thais view gold ain’t a bad thing to know either.

Thailand’s Special K

Carat or karat (symbol: K or kt) is a measurement of purity for gold, not to be confused with the carat used as a measurement of weight (mass to be precise) for semi precious and precious gemstones. 24K gold is considered fine, meaning the alloy is 100% gold (actually 99.9% but let’s not get hung up over a fraction). 18K gold, which is typically used in Europe for jewelry is 75% gold with the remaining 25% made up of other metals such as silver and copper. In the U.S. the standard for gold jewelry is 14K, which is slightly more than 50% gold; it has a brassy color compared to jewelry with a higher gold content. In Thailand the gold’s purity is 96.5% or 23K though it can sometimes be closer to 22K and is often called 24K among those who don’t know any better. The purity of Thai gold makes it a good investment vehicle; it is easily traded and readily converted to currency. That’s why it has always been a popular purchase in Thailand and why your boy du jour will take a baht chain over the latest iPhone model any day of the week.

Of course Thailand being Thailand, while a dealer selling to touri will talk about karats, the price is always determined by baht weight, which is a unit of weight measurement where 1 Baht is equal to 15.16 grams of gold when it sold as jewelry and 15.244 grams in raw bullion form. With a purity of 96.5 percent (23K) there is normally 14.71 grams of pure gold in 1 Baht, which is a little less than half a troy ounce (0.473 ozt). The important thing to remember is that the only thing Baht gold has to do with Thailand’s currency is that you’ll use the latter to pay for the former.

The difference in price between bullion and jewelry is minor when purchasing gold in Thailand.

The Gold Traders Association sets the price for gold and every shop in Thailand uses that standard; they are required to immediately change their display prices when the price is announced. Gold is sold in many forms – jewelry is popular for obvious reasons – while bars, biscuits, commemorative coins, Chinese coins, etc. are usually purchased strictly for investment purposes. While the price of each form differs from the standard price for gold bullion bars, it is a minor difference; a charge for craftsmanship on a piece of jewelry may be, for example, 200 baht. And a gold dealer’s buying price from a member of the public is often no more than 100 baht less than the price he would sell the same piece for. So a baht chain purchased, worn for a while, and then sold back for cash – assuming the official gold price has not changed – will only be devalued by about 300 baht from the cost if originally purchased in bar form. And that means while you are wearing your heart on your sleeve, your boy du jour will be wearing his net worth around his neck.

Putting Your Mouth Where Your Money Is

Finding a place in Bangkok where you can purchase gold is as easy as finding a place where you can buy bootleg dvds. But since the cost will be a bit higher than your new copy of one of Hollywood latest blockbuster movies, you should take a bit more care in where you decide to shop. MBK, for example, is a popular place for touri to buy gold. And some dealers there sell at reasonable prices. Many, instead, go with the prices charged to the touri trade. If its a bauble for yourself, a fair price is whatever you are willing to pay. If it’s a token of your affection for your boy du jour, the grimace on his face in seeing how much you are gonna put out compared to how much he’ll realize when he resells it should tip you off that you may not be getting the best deal in town. Ditto if instead of a grimace he greets the store clerk by her first name.

If you just have to shop for gold at one of the malls, look for a easily seen sign listing the current selling price of gold. All gold shops are supposed to post current prices as set by the Gold Traders Association. The reputable ones do. The rip-off places don’t. And those who charge based on the color of the skin of the buyer may, but the sign is usually small and hidden away. Or written only in Thai.

Reputable dealers prominently display the official price for gold at their shops.

Yaowarat Road in Chinatown has been the home of gold trading in Bangkok for a couple of centuries and is the best place for you to buy gold. There are several hundred shops to choose from. Most will display the obligatory prices, often on the front window of their shop. The prices will almost always be in Thai, but that’s not because they want to cheat tourists, it’s that touri make up a small fraction of their customer base. Originally, the four main gold shops were Seng Heng Li, Hua Seng Heng, Tung Jin Aeng, and Tang To Kang. And while most shops are reputable and are members of the Gold Merchants Association, these four are still your best choice. For several reasons.

First, ripping a tourist off is hardly worth their time; they have enough business that getting some extra baht out of the occasional touri is just not worth the effort. Second, while you may not be buying gold to resell it some day, if it is a gift for your boy du jour, that will be an important part of the transaction to him. Any dealer in town will buy back gold from one of these four shops. A lesser known store, not so much. Reputation counts and dealers do not want to have to test every piece of gold for its purity. And lastly, there is value in any unusual experience and shopping at one of the Big Four will be an experience unlike anything you have ever encountered while shopping.

The size and clamor of the crowds inside will make you think they just offered free Justin Bieber tickets with every purchase. The floor of the NY Stock Exchange looks calm in comparison. You’ll also get some momentary enjoyment out of the confusion you cause your boy by being savvy enough to know where to buy gold, but un-savvy enough to not know he’ll be cashing in whatever you buy him early the next day.

The scrum that is buying gold in Chinatown is comparable to the melee that would be caused by a Sunee bar selling beer at 25 baht.

Worth His Weight In Gold

You may think your boy du jour is worth his weight in gold, until you find the pricey piece of bling you bought him ended up at the local pawn shop. A familiar tale of woe, that scenario often results in yet another disgruntled farang who confuses the intrinsic value of gold with a token of love. Silly farang. In Thailand, jewelry and other gold objects function as a form of financial security; in case of difficult times the gold can be pledged or pawned until the family’s finances improve. For farang from the U.S. where the question of the legality of owning gold is still confusing to the lay person, and where the purity of gold in jewelry is too low to hold value as a commodity – the amount of work it takes to melt 14K gold down and extract the pure gold results in a value that is only a tiny fraction of what that piece of jewelry originally cost – it’s hard to grasp the Thai attitude toward owning gold where it is considered the same as having money in the bank. The fact is that the degree of probability that your boy will sell any gold jewelry you purchase for him is the same as that Thai gold’s degree of purity: 96.5% (the remaining 3.5% is ‘cuz I’m a glass half full kind of guy).

When your ideal of love and your boy du jour’s view of gold meet, don’t be surprised at the result. Your token of affection may be expressed in karats, to him it’s just another opportunity to participate in the typical gold for baht shtick embraced by bar boys for decades. You may think handing him a wad of cash instead might be the way to go; it would be easier on all concerned. But baht and a bar boy’s pocket is never a long-term love affair. Gold’s advantage is it makes you think twice before spending it, and most Thai bar boys need help with that bit of financial self-discipline.

Related Posts You Might Enjoy:

Jade: The Imperial Gem

Color Me Black

Making Money On Your Money

Just Another Roadside Attraction: Thailand’s Top 10 Tourist Traps

Tags

Attractions

If packaged bus tours were more entertaining there would be less need for roadside attractions.

If you build it they will come seems to be the philosophy wherever in the world touri gather. Those who build, own, or operate their own private field of dreams rely on a mix of kitsch and the seemingly never ending desire of those on holiday to do something and to see some sights – no matter what it is – to provide a steady stream of paying customers to their door. Many are nothing more than a modern version of a roadside attraction, a lesson in bad taste transcending to high art from America’s past when the country took to touring by automobile and could easily be swayed to stop and see the World’s Largest Ball Of Twine, a replica of England’s Stonehedge made from 38 old cars painted gray, or a (patented, mind you) 65-foot-tall elephant made out of tin and wood, the country’s first – and unfortunately not last – example of zoomorphic architecture.

Hokey charm was – and still is – often the appeal of roadside attractions, although any stop when travelling with a car load of children or senior citizens has an appeal. I mean who could resist a Prada store setting alongside a gas station-less desolate highway – 150 miles away from the closest town of any size – that features the sum total of 20 left-foot shoes and six purses in the display window of the permanently locked building?

America may be the only country to lay claim to an 18-foot-tall turtle built out of old wheel rims, but we are not alone in our pursuit of roadside cultural roadkill. In Australia, where the phenomena is called Big Things, you can stop to check out the World’s Largest Tennis Racquet, the World’s Largest Blade of Grass, or the World’s Largest Rocking Horse . . . all in the name of tourism. Canada too weighs in providing distractions for weary travellers with the World’s Largest Baseball Bat, and, of course, the World’s Largest Maple Leaf, eh?. Or you can check out the World’s Largest Coffee Pot in Germany or the World’s Largest Sundial in India. Obviously, whoever said size doesn’t matter wasn’t a world traveller.

Separating touri from their cash is an art form practiced throughout Thailand.

Not that odd and quirky shouldn’t be a draw on its own. Even tacky has its place on a holiday schedule. Provided you are in on the joke. When your patronage is the punch line, it’s a different matter. A roadside attraction can make or break a Road Trip! especially when you are stoned. A tourist trap, on the other hand, serves no other purpose than to bleed hard-earned cash from your wallet. Even if you did buy the T-shirt.

Thailand, the most popular tourist destination in Southeast Asia, offers a great variety of attractions for the touri crowd including crystal clear diving sites, sandy beaches, hundreds of tropical islands, a varied night-life to please every perverted taste, thick jungles to trek through, archaeological sites to wonder at, museums, hill tribes, exceptional flora and bird life, palaces both grand and otherwise, a huge number of Buddhist temples, several World Heritage sites, great food, cheap beach front bungalows, and some of the best luxury hotels in the world. In the Land of Smiles there is something for every interest, every budget, and every taste. Even for those who lack any.

There are also taxi driver mafia to contend with, transvestite thieves to avoid, pollution, touri gone wild, a steady stream of traffic accidents, opportunities to be scammed daily, and at airports, radar glitches, flight delays and long immigration lines. The country’s pros, however, can and do outweigh its cons. If it wasn’t for its own brand of roadside attractions which – with the exception of a few that actually are worthy of your time – can be called nothing else but tourist traps.

Novelty architecture qualifies as a roadside attraction everywhere but in Thailand where it becomes a symbol of official government business instead.

Last year Reuters ran a story widely picked up by news organizations around the planet entitled Thailand: Land of Smiles or Tourist Trap? which suggests the entire country is a tourist trap. And CNN’s list of the World’s 12 Worst Tourist Traps honors Thailand with not just one but two entries on its list. Australia may hold the title to having the World’s Largest Pineapple, but Thailand lays claim to having the World’s Largest Number of Tourist Traps. The internet site Virtual Tourist lists 807 of them, which too may qualify for a World’s Largest title. If you ever wondered why Thailand is known as The Land of Smiles, now you know.

Tourist traps are attractions, establishments, or activities that have been created or re-purposed with the aim of attracting touri and their money. Most tourist traps would love to figure out how to remove the touri from the equation and just deal with the money (not unlike many bar boys, who could be considered tourist traps in their own right). Some tourist traps in Thailand are of the Americana roadside attraction size, staying alive by feeding off of but a small handful of touri each day. Others, like the Golden Triangle, are industrial in size and cover large swaths of the countryside. While the country’s well-known but still profitable scams get all the press, its tourist traps are equally as responsible for turning many holidays into nightmares. And perhaps not surprisingly, both negative experiences owe their existence to the same source: ignorant touri. Though tourist traps benefit from those with a complete lack of taste too.

Since I’ve been recently posting a series of articles on The Top Ten Bangkok Experiences, it seemed appropriate to also provide a list of Thailand’s Top Ten Worst Experiences. Or its top tourist traps if you are a glass half full kind of guy. If for no better reason than to answer why I seemed to have ‘forgotten’ to list some places in the articles about what you should see and do during a holiday in Bangkok. Not that there aren’t ten tourist traps in Bangkok alone worthy of mention, but I thought I’d share the wealth and spread the joy from border to border. And if you think that since one of the places that made it to my Top Ten Worst Experiences list was recently featured on one of the gay Thailand message boards as a must-do mans it is a coincidence, it’s not. But in their defense, it is nice to see a fan of Pattaya who is at least attempting to find an interest in something other than cheap booze and cheaper boys for a change.

The postcard perfect version of the Damnoen Saduak Floating Market can only be found on postcards.

1. The Damnoen Saduak Floating Market.

Damnoen Saduak made it to CNN’s list of the World’s 12 Worst Tourist Traps; they called it “as authentic as that pack of Viagra for sale on a back soi off Sukhumvit Road,” showing that even CNN gets it right occasionally. The world-renown Floating Market is a must-do on many touri lists and a perfect example of a good tourist attraction gone bad.

A nightmarish network of canals filled with long tail boats belching diesel fumes while shuttling sardine mimicking visitors around to blow money at the floating shops and boats that peddle the same junk you can find on Khaosan Road but at three times the price, it would qualify as a scam instead of a tourist trap if it wasn’t for the occasional cool little old lady peddling her wares from a rickety boat photograph you might get to take if you avoid the organized tours that deliver touri by the thousands daily, and sneak in instead during the early hours before the rest of the crowd arrives. Or better yet, hit any one of the other floating markets closer to Bangkok. Many of them too are tourist traps, but they are less crowded and cheaper to get to.

2. Klong Tour.

Part of a day lazily motoring through the waterways of Bangkok while picturesque village life along the banks forms a background to your excursion sounds like a perfect Bangkok experience. And it would be if that opportunity existed. Whether you go on a package tour or negotiate a boat ride on your own your experience will be the same. And it will have nothing to do with that idyllic vision. Soon after embarking, your boat will be set upon by the Klong Pirates, a group of locals in small boats who you’ll have to buy cokes, postcards, or bananas from before they’ll remove their pit bull jaw-clench like grasp from your boat and allow you to motor away. Then, when things just start looking up you’ll stop at a progression of dubiously named snake and crocodile farms – and anything else that the locals think they can call a farm – where you’ll be forced to disembark and spend even more money before being allowed to get back onto your watercraft again. By the end of your excursion you’ll swear dry land never looked so good.

3. Crocodile and/or Snake Farm.

Not that you have to take a klong tour to experience the crocodile and/or snake farm tourist trap, they are almost as ubiquitous as 7/11s throughout Thailand’s countryside. If you come from one of the few countries in the world that doesn’t have crocs or alligators, maybe you’ll consider this tourist trap an attraction. Ditto if you have the mentality of a three-year-old. It’s not a fun experience, though it usually is an interactive one. Expect to have a boa constrictor draped around your neck until you pony up with a tip for its removal. Pray to have a crocodile crush your jugular so that you do not have to further experience what Thais have done to Mother Nature in the name of commerce.

Mi casa es su casa? Thanks, but I’d rather be homeless.

4. Hill Tribes.

After experiencing the roadblock known as Hill Tribe Ladies on any touri congested street in the country, why anyone would want to pay to go see more of these little devil’s spawn is beyond me. But that photo op thingy makes us do strange things. Popular up north and unfortunately almost always offered as an add-on to any other tour you may sign up for, trekking out to an authentic Hill Tribe village is a popular touri pastime. No one, however, actually lives in that den of vipers posing as a village. It is a small series of open-front huts serving as souvenir stands. And that photo op? Despite your having paid about $30 for the visit, you’ll have to tip each and every Hill Tribe member you attempt to capture on film. Back in town that shot will only cost you three bucks.

5. The Sanctuary of Truth.

There are a few thousand Thai temples in the country, many of them quite magnificent, many of them authentically historical. Few if any charge an admission. If and when they do it’s usually a matter of 10 to 20 baht. Or you can visit the Sanctuary of Truth just outside of Pattaya where the admission is $15 and the temple is not one any self respecting Thai has ever prayed at. And Thais will pray at a shrine devoted to a two-headed lizard born in the village next to theirs.

The truth about the Sanctuary of Truth is that it is a tourist trap built solely for the purpose of attracting touri and their money. Which explains its mock sword battles, motocross track and shooting range. I’m surprised they haven’t brought in gogo boys for entertainment yet. Though I do have to admit there is an allure to the cheap bastards who flock to Pattaya and become incensed if charged more than 100 baht for a drink shelling out $15 to look at a fake wat. But then maybe they are just used to that from looking at all the fake erections on display at Sunee Plaza. Wat Rong Khun in Chiang Rai does it better, and there the ticket cost is nada.

6. Patpong Night Market.

“What?” you say. But you included the Patpong Night Market in your #2 entry to The Top Ten Bangkok Experiences! Yes, I did. And just reminded you of that fact too. That doesn’t mean it’s not a tourist trap. In my defense, I did tell you not to buy anything. Patpong’s Night Market also made it to CNN’s list of the World’s 12 Worst Tourist Traps. And it is listed in every guide book known to man as a place you have to see when visiting Bangkok. The guidebooks suggest it for a risque night out, CNN called it “about as sexy as an Australian sheila drunk on Two Dogs.” But CNN forgot to mention the large population of Australian sheilas drunk on Two Dogs that you’ll find there. But at least the puke running in the gutters factor is lower than you’ll find during a night out on Khaosan Road. There is no question that it qualifies as a tourist trap, and barely qualifies as a night market, but you should experience it anyway. But do it in transit from the gay pubs off Silom to the gay gogo bars on Soi Twilight, Just keep your wallet in your pocket. And your dick in your pants.

Forget about taking a tuk tuk ride, hopping on a motorcycle taxi can be a lot more fun.

7. The Gem Mall.

Everyone has heard of the Thailand Gem Scam, a tourist activity the country is known for worldwide. And savvy touri know to avoid being taken for a ride by taking a tuk tuk ride to a jewelry shop. Meanwhile, hordes of them sign up for and pay an ridiculous amount to be taken on an organized bus tour to one of these jewelry producing mega stores. Which are the same stores the tuk tuk driving scammers will deliver you to. If you can’t resist, play the Scam A Scammer game instead, or call a gem mall from your hotel and they will send a nice air-conditioned limo to pick you up for free. There are better ways to spend your holiday time, but you will get a free drink and will get to watch the craftsmen at work before being ushered into where the low quality/high priced gems and jewelry await. If you drop enough baht you can probably talk them into driving you over to see Jim Thompson’s House too.

8. The Monkey Show (Because The Monkey Farm Just Wouldn’t Sound Right).

As a paid attraction, monkey shows are popular both up North and down South. You won’t see them in and around Bangkok because they just can’t compete with those whose antics you can enjoy on Khaosan Road for free. I don’t quite get the allure of watching an amazing (and rather ugly) primate harvesting coconuts from a palm tree, but if you also got to watch their trainers beat them bloody to teach them their delightful tricks you might not be quite as happy with this overpriced, rip-off form of entertainment. And watching a monkey ride a bicycle isn’t nearly as entertaining as watching a backpacker on ecstacy try to perform the same stunt anyway.

9. The Tuk Tuk Experience.

In my book tuk tuks and condoms are a lot alike. At times, they are a necessary evil, but given my druthers I’d rather not, thanks. Tuk tuks are seldom the cheapest way to get around town, but sometimes they are the most convenient. Most people know that by riding in one there’s a good chance you’ll get ripped off. Even then, I wouldn’t call them a tourist trap except for that guidebooks all claim you have to have the tuk tuk experience while in Thailand. And they encourage touri to take a ride for no better reason than to ride in one. For most casual visitors, there is no good reason to take a tuk tuk anywhere. For most there are other forms of transport they can use instead. And if you have to live life dangerously, you should hop on a motorcycle taxi instead. Now we’re talking livin la vida loca.

Huh. Women have an unhealthy attraction to their eggs.

10. The Chiang Rai Hot Springs.

This rest stop comes the closest to being a roadside attraction in Thailand. It would qualify as one and avoid being called a tourist trap instead if not for the few hundred vendors selling some of the flakiest souvenirs in the Kingdom who line the perimeter of its gigantic parking lot waiting for a bus load of fresh meat to pull in. It is perfectly situated to be a roadside attraction, just slightly more than halfway between Chiang Mai and Chiang Rai where, thanks to the undersized bladders of Thais and women alike, a pit stop is always required.

The geyser out front would never qualify as a Big Thing, but offering the opportunity to boil a few small local bird eggs in a natural hot springs is a perfect roadside attraction activity. If that’s where it ended. But as soon as you’ve handed some cash over to one of the local women doing the egg trick, you are descend upon by a mob of aggressive vendors who try to pull you into their stall and sell you genuine elephant tusks made of plastic and genuine rubies made of glass. Both of which do qualify as Big Things because like with silicone breasts, if they’re big enough, no one cares that they’re not real.

Honorable Mention:

Originally I was going to include a short list of places that fit the roadside attraction bill more than they do the tourist trap moniker. Like the three headed elephant at the Erawan Museum and Jim Thompson’s House, which I’ve ragged on often enough. But then places like the observation deck at Baiyoke Sky Tower and James Bond Island by Phuket popped into my head. And I’m not sure if riding an elephant is a tourist trap or more of a roadside attraction. So I quickly came to realize that Thailand has pretty much turned every attraction into a tourist trap.

There are many wonders to see in Thailand, but almost all of them require dealing with the tourist infrastructure, which is solely designed to transfer baht from your pocket into a local’s. But that’s Thailand, and I’m cool with that. It could be worse. You could be stopping to see the World’s Largest Bottle of Catsup instead.

Related Posts You Might Enjoy:

The 5 Ws Of Tuk Tuk Use In Bangkok

Scamming The Scammers In Bangkok

Crocodilezzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Songkran In Thailand: Dealing With The Damage Done

Tags

Stupid Tourist Tricks

Songkran and cellphone technology do not mix well.

Despite how much you may not enjoy getting thoroughly drenched during the Songkran festivities, a good towel is all it takes to make matters right. Hell, find a dry spot away from the water fights and Thailand’s hot tropical sun alone will quickly dry you off. Unfortunately, the same can not be said about your cellphone. And with that little marvel of technology being firmly affixed to almost everyone’s hip these days, the 1.3 million cellphone dealers at MBK are undoubtedly looking forward to a flood of business after this weekend’s festivities are over. The waterfall of baht soon headed there way is gonna make the amount of water thrown during Songkran look like a mere puddle.

No problemo. Every cloud has a silver lining. Even when it’s not a rain cloud at fault but some damn smiling Thai with a bucket of water instead. You may not be looking at having to replace your cellphone, not too mention having to upgrade for your bar boy’s phone too while you’re at it. There are options. And I won’t mention that ounce of prevention thingy ‘cuz ya know I’m just not one of those I Told You So kinda guys. But if the following doesn’t work for you, give me a call. Oh, wait . . .

When you discover you were not smart enough to leave your phone at home and it, along with you, got drenched, here’s what to do:

The loss of his cellphone is one of the most traumatic events in a bar boy’s life. Until he remembers that you’ll always buy him a new one.

1. Turn It Off. Immediately. Seconds count, so do not delay. The quicker you turn off the device the better chance you’ll have of saving it. If you are unable to do so in the normal manner, pop out the phone’s battery to shut it down. If you can’t turn it off chances are that the water will soon cross a critical connection and short the device, meaning certain death. If you can turn it off, congratulations you went from a zero percent chance of recovery to a 50 percent chance of recovery.

2. Dry It Off. Use a towel, your shirt, or your boy du jour’s shirt. Just don’t get distracted from the task at hand if you go with the third option. Shake it like you would a Polaroid picture (the phone, not your boy). Do not use a hair dryer, or microwave oven to dry your phone, either will cause more damage than good.

3. Take Out The Sim Card. If you are at home or your hotel, us a vacuum cleaner to suck what moisture you can from where the Sim card was, as well as from any speaker holes and power ports. If you do not have access to a vacuum cleaner, your boy du jour is probably an expert at sucking on things; it’s worth a try.

4. Be Glad You Are Into Rice. DampRid sachets and silica packets work better, but are more difficult to lay your hands on quickly – and you’ve got about 10 minutes max – so either fill a bowl or zip lock bag with uncooked white rice and put your phone in it. Ignore the fact that putting your phone in that zip lock bag earlier in the day would have saved you from a lot of grief. Cover the bowl or seal the bag and keep your phone in it over night. If you are also saving your boy du jour’s phone, this is a handy excuse for why he has to spend the night with you.

It’s not a bad idea to place your phone in its bag or bowl on top of a TV (this doesn’t work with a TV mounted on the wall) . The heat from the TV will remove moisture from the phone. But it also gives your boy du jour an excuse to watch Thai sit-comes into the early hours of the morning. Saving your phone may not be worth that experience.

5. Wait. Leave your phone in the bowl or bag for a full 24 hours at a minimum. 48 hours is even better. Though that will give your boy du jour time to convince you to just buy him a new phone. Or you can use this time to reflect upon your stupidity, atone for your sins, or visit a local wat to make merit in the hope Buddha will intercede on your phone’s behalf.

6. Cross Your Fingers. After at least a full 24 hours have expired, cross your fingers, say a prayer, rub your favorite spot on your boy du jour for luck, and power up your phone. There’s no guarantee that it will come back to life – probably like with what you experienced rubbing your boy du jour’s spot to bring it back to life – but if it dried out and the logic board wasn’t damaged your odds are fairly good that your phone will be good as new. And a lot cleaner.

The above steps also work well on iPods, or when it is not the Songkran holiday and you drop your phone in the toilet while cruising a shopping mall’s restroom.

Note that if it was your boy du jour’s phone that you saved, he might not be pleased.

If your cellphone is beyond saving and you were lucky enough to have foolishly bought an iPhone, all’s not lost. This week Apple agreed to pay $53 million to settle a class action lawsuit filed by countless iPhone and iPod Touch owners who claim that the company failed to honor its own warranty. The consumer complaints all revolve around a tricky little strip of tape inside the phone known as the Liquid Contact Indicator (LCI) that’s supposed to indicate whether or not the device has sustained water damage. If so, the tape would turn pink. So for a long time, if an Apple employee opened up a malfunctioning iPhone or iPod and found pink tape, the warranty was immediately voided.

There’s only one problem with this patented magic tape that the geniuses at Apple used to determine which phones had been dropped in a toilet and which had simply stopped working. The tape didn’t work. The tape’s maker, 3M, has admitted humidity, and not water contact, could cause the color to turn pink. And nothing says humidity better than Thailand in April.

For many customers, this $53 million settlement will serve to compensate those in the class about $200, though it applies only to early iPhone models (original, 3G and 3Gs) and the first three generations of iPod Touches. If you have a newer device, you’ll still need to be careful when you’re texting in the restroom.

Related Posts You Might Enjoy:

I Fell In Love With A Bar Boy: The Day The Music Died

Songkran In Thailand: Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader?

And All I Did Was Break Your Heart

Songkran In Thailand: The Top 10 Dos And Don’ts For Songkran

Tags

Stupid Tourist Tricks

What’s more fun than getting a face full of water? Rules to celebrate by, of course!

With the official start of the Songkran holiday just a day away it’s the perfect time to review what you should and shouldn’t be doing to celebrate. At least it is according to the internet since a list of dos and don’ts for Songkran seems to be a popular subject. I’m not sure why that is. It seems to me that coming up with rules to celebrated a holiday puts a bit of a dampener on the whole affair. But then some people do enjoy their rules. Not that any of those folks are Thai; I’m sure the locals get a laugh out of the idea that farang think there should be rules applied to celebrating one of their holidays.

Nonetheless, any excuse that gives me the opportunity to use the word nonetheless is a good one in my book, so here is a much better list than you’ll find anywhere else of the Dos and Don’ts for celebrating Songkran even if it will drive the anal among you crazy for not being nicely divided between the things you should and should not do:

Do beware of armed locals.

1. Don’t Drink The Water:
If you are reading this article you are probably a gay man (or soon will be), and that means you undoubtedly watched Sex In The City: The Movie. You may recall Charlotte, on the girls’ trip to Mexico, was extremely cautious about not drinking the water. And then ended up allowing a small sip to enter her mouth while showering. Which put her out for the count for the remainder of the holiday thanks to Montezuma’s Revenge. Then again thanks to Gilles Marini’s naked shower scene and his penis’ big screen debut soon thereafter you may not remember Charlotte’s plight after all. But trust me, it happened. And you should consider that as a warning about all of the water soon headed your way.

Tap water is not considered safe to drink in Thailand. At least not for touri. And that stuff is probably a hell of a lot cleaner than what you will soon be drenched with. Up north in Chiang Mai, the authorities even drain the rancid water from the moat and refill it with cleaner water before the festival begins. For all the good that does. So you may want to keep your damn mouth shut for a change. Or insure your travel vaccinations against water-borne viruses are up to date for once in your life. Playing safe during Songkran is just as important as it is when playing in the country’s gogo bars.

2. Don’t Act Like The World Hates You:
Okay, so maybe it does. But it really isn’t all about you. Fun is the rule of the day and if your personality doesn’t allow for that, stay home or stay in your hotel room watching reruns of I Love Lucy. No one likes a grumpy old sod glaring at them just because they directed a little water in his direction. But everyone does love aiming their water at said grumpy guss. So my bad. The world does, in fact, hate you. You may have heard the saying, ‘Let a smile be your umbrella.’ During Songkran that can be a pretty effective way of staying dry. Or drier. Or who knows, you may even begin to enjoy life for a change. If not, you’re sure to put a big smile on someone else’s face when they try to wash that frown off of yours.

Do recognize the erotic aspects of a wet body.

3. Don’t Throw Water At Monks and Babies. Or At Baby Monks:
Huh. This one shows up on most other lists of what to do and what not to do when celebrating Songkran, though it should go without saying. Which means it needs to be said. Common sense dictates that there are some people whom you should not be dumping 50 gallons of water on. But since you have none, now you know. I’d add to this list ladyboys who are decked out in their finest. Buddhist monks are pacifists, babies can not defend themselves; ladyboys are a different story and if you dare to make their mascara run you are in for a world of hurt. If, on the other hand, you get a ladyboy wet accidently, just hand over some baht. Because we all know what a ladyboy will put up with for a bit of cash.

4. Do Throw Water At Hot Guys:
With your help Songkran can be one big wet T-shirt party. With a bit more precision in your aim, it can be even better. No one other than fussy old queens wears much in the way of clothing to a water fight. And it doesn’t take much water to reveal how little that clothing hides. Or how big. Now doesn’t Songkran sound like a lot more fun than it did ten minutes ago?

5. Don’t Wear Flip Flops:
If you have any sense of fashion you wouldn’t wear flip flops anyway, but then people on holiday often let their fashion sense go the way of their sense of personal safety, which takes a holiday of its own. During Songkran the two are one and the same; slippery when wet does not just apply to a lubed up ass. Smooth cement and tiled floors both became a water slide when wet, especially for those who thought flip flops were the perfect footwear choice for the day. Unless you are a local who has grown up wearing them. In which cased your spatulate toes will grip the ground for you.

Do take advantage of water’s properties in making pants see-through.

6. Do Watch Out For Elephants:
Though not a bad bit of advice for anytime of the year in Thailand, your degree of caution should be heightened during Songkran. Some locals have figured out an elephant makes a perfect answer to humongous Super Soakers and use the pachyderms to spray crowds of people with a single pull of the tail. But it’s the other liquid you need to watch out for. Elephants piss at a volume that would make a Songkran party goer with a 30 gallon trash can full of water jealous. And they urinate often (the elephants, not the Songkran party goers, though actually . . . never mind). Anyway, get too close and that water headed your way may not be water.

7. Do Throw Water At Motorcyclists:
Most of the other lists of what to do and what not to do when celebrating Songkran say you should not throw water at motorcyclists. Supposedly to avoid causing an accident. Stupid farang. First, everyone is fair game at Songkran and pulling that ‘I’m on a motorcycle so don’t get me wet’ crap just doesn’t work. Second, motorcyclists in Thailand do not need your assistance or lack thereof to get into an accident. They are perfectly capable of getting into a wreck on their own, with or without water present. And third, if the gods didn’t want you to drench motorcyclists they wouldn’t make them such tempting targets. So go for it.

8. Do Behave Yourself After Sundown:
As the sun goes down most people with a brain head back to their hotel or home to dry off and get ready for a night on the town drenching their thirst instead of their body. Yes, during the day you could hardly walk outside without someone throwing a bucket of water in your face. Come dusk, a truce descends on the city. Or it’s supposed to. But there’s always the odd asshole who doesn’t recognize when the party is over. Don’t let that be you. Even Thais have a limit on how much sanook they can handle in one day. And ya don’t want to be on the receiving end when what was fun just a few hours ago is no longer considered funny.

Do offer to help towel dry hotties. But use your tongue instead of a towel.

9. Do Or Don’t Head For Khaosan Road:
Ditto for Silom by the Saladang BTS station. Both are party central for Bangkok’s wildest water fights. Silom means a good mix of locals and touri getting wet and wild; Khaosan means you’ll get to experience the Euro-Trash/Backpacker version of the holiday. The nice thing about the festivities on Khaosan is that many of the revelers finally get the bath they so desperately need.

The point here is that everyone – and that now includes you – knows these are the two areas in town that get the wettest. Good if you want to join in on the fun, not so good if you want to stay dry. Consider yourself warned.

10. Do Have A Buddha Full Time:
Wow. Getting to use ‘nonetheless’ and a bad pun all in one post! I am blessed. And you should consider yourself to be blessed too. “Cuz that’s what all of that water you’ve been drenched with really is about. Contradictory to what you may think, fun loving Thais do not just throw water at each other for no good reason (besides getting a kick out of seeing other people soaking wet). The real meaning behind those massive water fights is to symbolically wash away all misfortunes and bad luck from the past year, thereby welcoming the new year with a fresh new start.

Do realize that all good things must come to an end. Just make sure you have a good viewing spot.

Traditionally, Thais would politely pour a bowl of water on members of the family, their close friends, and neighbors. The practice was meant as a blessing and as a show of respect. Even the local Buddha statue got a good dousing. As Songkran has taken on a more festive note, that bowl became a bucket, a garden hose, a water gun, and now a Super Soaker that holds 40 gallons of liquid ammo. But it’s the thought that counts. So as you wander down the street soaking wet, just keep repeating to yourself, “I have been blessed. I have been blessed.” It may not help convince you, but there’s a good chance people will think you are crazy for wandering around talking to yourself and they’ll be more circumspect about throwing water at you out of fear of how you might react.

Related Posts You Might Enjoy:

Songkran In Thailand: But You Paid Big Bucks For That Look In The ‘80s

Don’ts In Thailand: A More Realistic List Than the Other Guys’

Ode To A Towel

Songkran In Thailand: But You Paid Big Bucks For That Look In The ‘80s

Tags

Stupid Tourist Tricks

The tons of gallons of water that get thrown during Songkran every year gets all the press. For those looking for fun, the holiday’s major water fights are the draw. For those who avoid having fun at all costs, those same buckets full of water provide them with plenty to bitch about. But equally reviled by fun lovers and the miserable alike is the Songkran tradition of the application of that white stuff that makes locals look like they got a face full of spunk the night before and forgot to wash it off. You may not be a fan of getting drenched, but after having your face smeared with white talcum powder you’ll be happy to have a bucketful of water dumped over your head to keep you from looking like Lindsay Lohan on a cocaine binge.

Of course since limits are ignored by Thais and those on holiday alike, some revelers have begun combining the two traditions and throw buckets full of watery white paste these days. Yuk. If you are unlucky enough to be on the receiving end of that mess, you do have the right to bitch. But then you probably deserved it anyway. Karma in Thailand tends to be fast acting.

Yesterday we looked at the origin legend of the Songkran holiday, and – possibly – where the tradition of all that water came from. If you didn’t read that post, shame on you. I’m trying to edumacate you on Thai culture here. So pay attention ‘cuz today it’s all about that white stuff. Even if your true interest lays in some other white stuff. And that should be a popular subject matter (the former rather than the latter though admittedly the latter would draw more comments) because Google says “one of the oldest Songkran traditions is where many Thai’s apply a white powder or paste to the face neck or torso of other participants”. Note that the misplaced apostrophe is Google’s fault, not mine.

You’d think being “one of the oldest Songkran traditions’ an explanation for that tradition would be not difficult to track down. But then this is Thailand. When that tradition began, why it is part of the Songkran festivities, and what, if anything, it is suppose to signify seems to be as closely guarded of a secret as that Stedman is actually Oprah’s beard. Many websites like to claim the crap is a sign of protection or is supposed to ward off evil. But then many websites also like to claim that a bird shitting on your head in Thailand is a sign of good luck. So I’m not buying it. Besides, bird shit is easier to clean off than a face full of wet talcum powder.

If you did read yesterday’s post about the Songkran legend and that damn riddle that made absolutely no sense kept you awake all night, then you may recall part of the answer was about applying perfume to the chest in the afternoon. The other two parts of the answer were about bathing your feet and face, which is supposed to be about Songkran but sounds more like a myth designed to instill good personal hygiene practices. No problemo. That feet and face washing brings water into the traditions of the holiday, and that perfume thingy brings in that damn white paste.

Traditionally, it wasn’t talcum powder or any of the other crap locals use in its place these days, but a white mud called dinsaw pong, which, outside of the Songkran celebrations is still a popular spa treatment in Thailand. So don’t think of it as one of the less pleasurable elements of Songkran, think of it as a free beauty treatment. And ignore that the traditional dinsaw pong mixture has fallen from favor since it was discovered that most of it contains very dangerous levels of lead in the pigments.

Dinsaw pong, a type of fragrant talcum not to be confused with Thanaka, another whitish paste for the face popular in Burma, has been used for many purposes in Thailand for centuries: as a beauty or medical product for clearing rashes, healing wounds, to refresh and tighten the skin, and as a skin protection from the sun as well as to protect against mosquitoes. The version used as part of the water fights during Songkran has none of those properties; it’s usually just some form of talc or any other cheap white powder party goers manage to get their hands on. Though generally not dangerous, some pastes contain menthol, which can sting if it gets in your eyes. Not that personal safety has anything to do with Songkran festivities in the first place.

Much like the tradition of drenching strangers with water began as a gentle pouring of water over elders’ hands, the current Songkran tradition of tossing a load of talc on anyone who even looks to be a bit damp started off as a more gentle and kinder rite. A small silver bowl filled with dinsaw pong was originally used to gently dab some of the paste onto the receiver’s face, neck or other part of the body. Tradition dictated that the paste should be left on until it naturally washed itself off Stemming from a practice of monks applying a similar chalk to worshipers’ faces as a blessing, many considered this custom to bring good luck. Today’s version of the practice, which went from a gentle daubing to pounds of the stuff being dumped on the unsuspecting only tends to bring good luck to those who own laundries.

Related Posts You Might Enjoy:

Songkran In Thailand: Of Wet T-Shirts And Wetter Pussies

Happy Bissextile Day!

Color Me Pink

Songkran In Thailand: Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader?

Tags

And More!

A legend of Songkran in its own right.

In yesterday’s Songkran post I alluded to the holiday’s origin legend, kinda like a trailer for a soon to be released blockbuster movie. So yeah, I already gave ya all the good parts. But nonetheless, today I thought I’d fill you in on the rest of the tale, or at least the Bangkokboi’s version of the story. ‘Cuz if you are going to spend a week getting drenched every time you step outside, you should at least know the historical basis for those buckets of water headed your way. But then this is Thailand. So water, what Songkran is known for, has nothing to do with the legend. That retelling the story gives me yet another opportunity for posting some pix of hot, wet, male flesh is all that really matters anyway.

Once upon a time, there was a rich old fart, who not realizing that all it takes is money to have a youngster of your own, instead prayed for a son. Obviously, this tale is not set in Sunee Plaza. Thais, like Christians, like to borrow their religious myths from ancient religions, so in their telling of the Songkran tale, Indra (a major god) sent Dharmapal (a minor god) to be reborn on Earth as the son of the rich old codger. But in the Thai story there is no manger, and Thais aren’t quite foolish enough to believe in virgin births so don’t be thinking there is anything to do with a more well known Christian tale in this one. ‘Cuz in the Thai version of that tale Judas would have been elevated to god status for scoring all that silver coin.

As with all Thai legends, who is who and what their name or names are change from one telling to the next. Somehow, Dharmapal becomes Thammabal Kumara – as well as a host of related knock-off names – which I’m gonna say follows the tradition of young Thai men picking out a new nickname when they start working at a gogo bar. Not that what his name was is any more important to you than what the name was of the hottie you offed last night. What is important is that being blessed by a god does not mean said god will not fuck with you in the future. As the rich old fart of this tale soon learned.

. . ., and speaking of gods.

So Indra – who also gets a name change and is now known as Kabilla Phrom – descends from the heavens to check up on how little Thammabal is doing and decides that he’s doing a bit too well. Or Kabilla Phrom was just in a bad mood. Or hadn’t had his daily caffeine fix yet. Regardless, he decides to enter into a battle of wits with the 7-year-old, a predecessor to Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader? game show. He posed a riddle to Thammabal – even though everyone knows 7-year-olds prefer knock knock jokes – and bets him that he can not solve it. Now as soon as I mentioned a 7-year-old, if you are a fan of Pattaya you probably starting thinking head. Well, so did Kabilla Phrom. But of a different kind. Being Thai and loving gambling as all Thais do, he decided the payoff would be that if Thammabal failed to solve the riddle he would lose his head, and if he came up with the answer Kabilla Phrom instead would be looking at too close of a shave. Being the good sport that he wasn’t, he gave Thammabal seven days to use his head to figure out the answer before he’d no longer have one.

The riddle has three parts. Because when you take on a child you should always stack the deck. It was (allowing for differences in translation): where did a person’s aura exist in the morning, where was it at noon, and where did it appear at night?

Now personally, in dealing with a 7-year-old, I’d have gone with the ‘pull my finger’ gag, but Kabilla Phrom’s version gave Thammabal 7 days to ponder the riddle as well as his fate whereas mine would have been over with the first fart. But then Thammabal would have had a good laugh instead of spending 6 days trying to figure out what the answer to the riddle was. Or even what it meant. Fortunately for him, while lying in despair under a palm tree, he overheard a male and female eagle talking, quite joyful that they would soon be feasting on the body of a little boy who would not be able to solve a god’s riddle. Said eagles were having such a cackling good time they didn’t notice Thammabal, and inadvertently supplied the answer to the riddle.

Cue: water.

So the next Day when Kabilla Phrom came for his head, Thammabal repeated what he’d heard the birds say: In the morning, a person’s aura appeared on his face, so he washes it. At noon, it was at his chest; so, he’d wear perfume there. And at night, his aura moved to his feet; that was why he would bathe them. Go ahead, go back and read the riddle. It, and the answer still make no sense. But then neither does repeating out loud what you thought you heard two eagles talking about. But water, of sorts, did finally enter the picture so I guess the legend does in fact have something to do with today’s Songkran festivities after all. I’d go back and edit out the part where I said it doesn’t, but then it’s not like I’m gonna lose my head over failing to do so.

Kabilla Phrom, of course, wasn’t as lucky. Not realizing as most sexpats do that there is no good reason to hold to the promises you make to a younger man, Kabilla Phrom beheaded himself instead. Which sounds like it should be the end of the tale. And it was for Kabilla Phrom. For his head, not so much.

The problem with dead god body parts is that they tend to refuse to act as normal dead body parts do. And I speak from experience. Kabilla Phrom’s head had a bit of mojo of its own. To wit: if it should touch the ground, the earth would catch fire; if it should be left in the air, there would be no rain; and, if it should be dropped into the sea, the sea would dry up. Now if this legend was from North Korea his head would have been served for dinner and the local populace would have finally had some meat other than dog to eat. End of story. But it’s a Thai tale, so it’s time to bring in some nubile young women. Even if they are horrendously ugly.

When 7 fish enter the story it’s time to post some male flesh.

Kabilla Phrom, conveniently, had seven daughters. They placed his head on a platter and then after parading around with it, hid it in a mountain cave high up in the abode of the gods. Now, once every 365 days each daughter takes a turn leading a parade across the sky with Kabilla Phrom’s head as the main float; which means they all spend eternity serving the man in their life – even if it is just his head – as all women are, appropriately, destined to do. And if women who know their rightful place in society isn’t a good enough reason for a holiday, I don’t know what is.

Related Posts You Might Enjoy:

Buddhism 101: Buddhist Balls

Eye Candy: Abercrombie & Tak

Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Water Buffalo* (But Were Afraid To Ask)