Golden Motivation: The Karat Or The Shtick?

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Bangkok, Markets & Shopping, Money Matters

In Thailand, the traditional gift to celebrate your One Night Anniversary is gold.

Nothing says I Love You to a Thai bar boy quite like the gift of gold. A bit of gold bling to show off how much his most recent admirer values him is never a bad thing. And when that farang hops on his plane for the return trip home, the boy can make a return trip to the gold shop to turn it in for baht. It’s no coincidence that the Thai weight measurement for gold and the nation’s currency share the same name. But then the belief that all bar boys are just after your money aside, gold in Thailand has always been viewed more as a commodity than as decoration for your body. And with the recent price of gold dropping faster than John Travolta to his knees at the sight of a male masseur, you can show your love for a fraction of what it would have cost you just a few months ago. Provided you can find some to buy. The gold that it. The boys are always plentiful.

The savvy punter concerned about the status of his bank account quickly learns a thing or two about dealing with bar boys. This may be a good time to learn a thing or two about how gold is bought, sold, and valued in Thailand too. Thanks to Cyprus’ decision to dump its gold reserves on the market last month, the precious metal’s value has decreased dramatically. With Slovenia, Hungary, Portugal, Spain, and Italy all in line to pull the same stunt, it may even go lower. Some industry experts claim $1,200 an ounce will soon be the standard. But many experts also predict its price will again soar, possibly even as high as it’s September 2011 peak of $1,920 in the near future. If you are willing to take the risk, gold can be a good short-term investment right now. That thought is responsible for a run on gold in Bangkok; many gold shops on Yaowarat Road have no gold for sale thanks to prices plunging below 20,000 baht.

Gold Traders Association chairman and owner of the Chin Hua Heng gold shop Jitti Tangsithpakdi reported last week that Bangkok’s famous gold buying neighborhood was facing a severe shortage due to the feeding frenzy caused by low prices. “There’s no gold to be sold because manufacturers can’t produce the items quick enough,” he said, adding that some gold shops have begun competing with each other in a battle to buy gold from sellers. For bullion right now, it takes 5 days to fill a customer’s order.

Baht for a Baht Chain: It’s how you say I Love You in Thai.

Though gold is currently running at about 20,200 baht per baht-weight – up from the price that had earlier tumbled to 18,600 – Jitti believes that by the end of the year it will return to its levels from the beginning of this year, between 24,000 and 25,000. But before you decided to cash in on what may seem like easy profits, you should know a few fundamentals about the gold trade in Thailand. And before you decide to cash your affections in on a bar boy, knowing how Thais view gold ain’t a bad thing to know either.

Thailand’s Special K

Carat or karat (symbol: K or kt) is a measurement of purity for gold, not to be confused with the carat used as a measurement of weight (mass to be precise) for semi precious and precious gemstones. 24K gold is considered fine, meaning the alloy is 100% gold (actually 99.9% but let’s not get hung up over a fraction). 18K gold, which is typically used in Europe for jewelry is 75% gold with the remaining 25% made up of other metals such as silver and copper. In the U.S. the standard for gold jewelry is 14K, which is slightly more than 50% gold; it has a brassy color compared to jewelry with a higher gold content. In Thailand the gold’s purity is 96.5% or 23K though it can sometimes be closer to 22K and is often called 24K among those who don’t know any better. The purity of Thai gold makes it a good investment vehicle; it is easily traded and readily converted to currency. That’s why it has always been a popular purchase in Thailand and why your boy du jour will take a baht chain over the latest iPhone model any day of the week.

Of course Thailand being Thailand, while a dealer selling to touri will talk about karats, the price is always determined by baht weight, which is a unit of weight measurement where 1 Baht is equal to 15.16 grams of gold when it sold as jewelry and 15.244 grams in raw bullion form. With a purity of 96.5 percent (23K) there is normally 14.71 grams of pure gold in 1 Baht, which is a little less than half a troy ounce (0.473 ozt). The important thing to remember is that the only thing Baht gold has to do with Thailand’s currency is that you’ll use the latter to pay for the former.

The difference in price between bullion and jewelry is minor when purchasing gold in Thailand.

The Gold Traders Association sets the price for gold and every shop in Thailand uses that standard; they are required to immediately change their display prices when the price is announced. Gold is sold in many forms – jewelry is popular for obvious reasons – while bars, biscuits, commemorative coins, Chinese coins, etc. are usually purchased strictly for investment purposes. While the price of each form differs from the standard price for gold bullion bars, it is a minor difference; a charge for craftsmanship on a piece of jewelry may be, for example, 200 baht. And a gold dealer’s buying price from a member of the public is often no more than 100 baht less than the price he would sell the same piece for. So a baht chain purchased, worn for a while, and then sold back for cash – assuming the official gold price has not changed – will only be devalued by about 300 baht from the cost if originally purchased in bar form. And that means while you are wearing your heart on your sleeve, your boy du jour will be wearing his net worth around his neck.

Putting Your Mouth Where Your Money Is

Finding a place in Bangkok where you can purchase gold is as easy as finding a place where you can buy bootleg dvds. But since the cost will be a bit higher than your new copy of one of Hollywood latest blockbuster movies, you should take a bit more care in where you decide to shop. MBK, for example, is a popular place for touri to buy gold. And some dealers there sell at reasonable prices. Many, instead, go with the prices charged to the touri trade. If its a bauble for yourself, a fair price is whatever you are willing to pay. If it’s a token of your affection for your boy du jour, the grimace on his face in seeing how much you are gonna put out compared to how much he’ll realize when he resells it should tip you off that you may not be getting the best deal in town. Ditto if instead of a grimace he greets the store clerk by her first name.

If you just have to shop for gold at one of the malls, look for a easily seen sign listing the current selling price of gold. All gold shops are supposed to post current prices as set by the Gold Traders Association. The reputable ones do. The rip-off places don’t. And those who charge based on the color of the skin of the buyer may, but the sign is usually small and hidden away. Or written only in Thai.

Reputable dealers prominently display the official price for gold at their shops.

Yaowarat Road in Chinatown has been the home of gold trading in Bangkok for a couple of centuries and is the best place for you to buy gold. There are several hundred shops to choose from. Most will display the obligatory prices, often on the front window of their shop. The prices will almost always be in Thai, but that’s not because they want to cheat tourists, it’s that touri make up a small fraction of their customer base. Originally, the four main gold shops were Seng Heng Li, Hua Seng Heng, Tung Jin Aeng, and Tang To Kang. And while most shops are reputable and are members of the Gold Merchants Association, these four are still your best choice. For several reasons.

First, ripping a tourist off is hardly worth their time; they have enough business that getting some extra baht out of the occasional touri is just not worth the effort. Second, while you may not be buying gold to resell it some day, if it is a gift for your boy du jour, that will be an important part of the transaction to him. Any dealer in town will buy back gold from one of these four shops. A lesser known store, not so much. Reputation counts and dealers do not want to have to test every piece of gold for its purity. And lastly, there is value in any unusual experience and shopping at one of the Big Four will be an experience unlike anything you have ever encountered while shopping.

The size and clamor of the crowds inside will make you think they just offered free Justin Bieber tickets with every purchase. The floor of the NY Stock Exchange looks calm in comparison. You’ll also get some momentary enjoyment out of the confusion you cause your boy by being savvy enough to know where to buy gold, but un-savvy enough to not know he’ll be cashing in whatever you buy him early the next day.

The scrum that is buying gold in Chinatown is comparable to the melee that would be caused by a Sunee bar selling beer at 25 baht.

Worth His Weight In Gold

You may think your boy du jour is worth his weight in gold, until you find the pricey piece of bling you bought him ended up at the local pawn shop. A familiar tale of woe, that scenario often results in yet another disgruntled farang who confuses the intrinsic value of gold with a token of love. Silly farang. In Thailand, jewelry and other gold objects function as a form of financial security; in case of difficult times the gold can be pledged or pawned until the family’s finances improve. For farang from the U.S. where the question of the legality of owning gold is still confusing to the lay person, and where the purity of gold in jewelry is too low to hold value as a commodity – the amount of work it takes to melt 14K gold down and extract the pure gold results in a value that is only a tiny fraction of what that piece of jewelry originally cost – it’s hard to grasp the Thai attitude toward owning gold where it is considered the same as having money in the bank. The fact is that the degree of probability that your boy will sell any gold jewelry you purchase for him is the same as that Thai gold’s degree of purity: 96.5% (the remaining 3.5% is ‘cuz I’m a glass half full kind of guy).

When your ideal of love and your boy du jour’s view of gold meet, don’t be surprised at the result. Your token of affection may be expressed in karats, to him it’s just another opportunity to participate in the typical gold for baht shtick embraced by bar boys for decades. You may think handing him a wad of cash instead might be the way to go; it would be easier on all concerned. But baht and a bar boy’s pocket is never a long-term love affair. Gold’s advantage is it makes you think twice before spending it, and most Thai bar boys need help with that bit of financial self-discipline.

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The End Is Nigh

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Money Matters

The end of the world as we know it is eminent. Again.

Title-wise, that just had more panache than The End Is Near. Or Your Ass Is Grass. I coulda also gone with The Sky Is Falling!, which may have been more appropriate since one of the requirements of being a sexpat in Thailand is the willingness to predict doom and gloom at any opportunity. Jabba’s been busy this week advising his band of merry men to cancel any flights they may have booked that have a stop in Korea because Kim Jong-un is throwing a hissy-fit again. But then throwing a hissy fit to mark the occasion of someone else’s hissy fit is, at least, meeting kind with kind. I’m not sure if it’s about being an old queen or being an old sexpat, but hissy fits seem to rule the day. Especially when it’s over the end of the world as we know it.

Second in popularity to whining about bar boys who don’t show the proper enthusiasm for the thirty bucks they are being paid to bring an octogenarian to climax is how dear that thirty bucks is these days. This week the baht once again strengthened against the dollar. And pound. And pretty much every other western currency. The message boards are filled with woe over how damn expensive Thailand has become. Sexpats already living on the margin are becoming destitute. Sex touri can no longer afford to visit the Happiest Place On Earth. The sky is falling and Thailand’s future is going right down the toilet with it.

I too remember the good old days when the exchange rate was 41 baht to the dollar. Back then gas ran under two bucks a gallon too. More recently, I remember being thrilled when the rate went as high as 32 during a visit, though it seemed to hover closer to 30 most of the time. I don’t ignore exchange rates. I even take the time when in Bangkok to go to where the best rates are available. Even when it is only a fraction of a percent more. But the difference between getting 32 baht to the dollar and 29 isn’t gonna break me. It’s hardly noticeable. And there’s a good chance in five year’s time that I’ll be remembering the good old days when you could get a 29 baht to the dollar rate.

Would an additional $3.00 really keep you away from spending a night with him?

I realize that not everyone’s budget is as healthy as mine. Just as there are those who can afford to drop bigger bucks than I do on holiday. But if your financial picture is so dismal that getting 3 baht less per dollar exchanged is that big of a hit, maybe you shouldn’t be spending a grand on a week of getting your rocks off. And if you retired in a foreign land with a nest egg so small to put you at the poverty line when inflation kicked in, well, that wasn’t a very smart move now was it? Maybe you should have allowed your bigger head to do your retirement planning for you. But then I guess even when you can no longer afford the cheap sex that drew you to your new home thanks to the unfavorable exchange rate, there’s still value in being able to bitch and moan about how expensive things are these days. And that’s gotta be worth the ten cents less you’re getting per dollar exchanged.

Though many holiday for less and live in Thailand on less, most would agree that an outlay of $5,000 would allow you to do either comfortably. The difference between the exchange rate today – and hell, let’s drop it to an even 29 since we’re headed that way anyway – and what it was just a few years ago when you could get 32 baht to the dollar, on $5,000 is just under fifty bucks. That’s chump change. Or to put it in a perspective sexpats can understand, the boy you rent for the night now costs you a whopping $3.25 more than he would have just three years ago. That’s assuming you’d pay the going rate. Which most sexpats wouldn’t. Because $35 is way too much to be spending on an orgasm.

For the visitor who spends two weeks in Thailand and offs a boy nightly, that means spending an additional $45 over the length of your holiday on getting off. Or $90 for those who prefer an early evening and late night orgasm daily. Compare that to the increase in air travel costs over the last few years and you should quickly realize the exchange rate is not the problem. But bitching about the cost of air travel just isn’t as much fun.

You can still get a nice hotel room in Bangkok for about $40. Make it $100 and you get room service too.

This morning I checked the rates at a hotel in Bangkok that I first started using over 20 years ago. It’s a three star hotel that likes to think it’s a four star hotel, nicely located a short block off the happening section of Sukhumvit, offering spacious rooms with marble floors and a buffet breakfast with at least a dozen hot dishes. Their ‘Executive’ room ran 1,800 baht twenty years ago. And it’s still 1,800 baht today. That may cost me almost $20 more per night due to today’s exchange rate, but it’s still an incredible deal. And less than the Motel 6 a few minutes from my home charges as its weekend rate. Meanwhile, in Bangkok, dozens of new hotels in and around Silom have sprung up in just the last few years with nightly rates around 1,2000 baht. That’s about $40 regardless of which exchange rate you use. How can you possibly claim that Thailand is no longer an affordable place to live or visit?

The cost of drinks and off fees have gone up over that span of two decades, but the average bar boy tip in Bangkok hasn’t. So he too costs me $20 more at today’s rates than he did when I first began visiting Thailand (though I doubt it’d be the same bar boy. I hope.). That tip due to the difference in exchange rates over the last several years costs me just over $6 more today. And my pleasure is worth every penny of that ginormous amount.

I get it. When you have nothing else to occupy your time, bitching about anything and everything is a happy diversion. It’s almost as good as predicting the end of the gogo bars, the end of Westerners’ influence on Thailand’s commercial sex scene, and the end of Thailand’s allure for sexpats and touri alike. But when it is the difference between paying $31.25 and $34.50 for a night with a hot young stud who’ll make all of your fantasies come true, you just come off sounding silly.

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Money Matters

Packed, packing, and ready to go on holiday.

In the U.S. we call them vacations. The rest of the world uses the word holiday. While as a true American I refuse to step over the line into the world of metrics, I abandoned ‘vacation’ for ‘holiday’ the first trip I took where everyone else referred to their vacation that way. A vacation is time away from work or school. A holiday on the other hand is something to celebrate. A holiday just sounds more festive. Regardless of which word you use, having a good time is the whole point. But then a good time for some is not what would be considered a good time to others.

Sitting there reading this now, you have no idea how long I sat here while writing this post completely stumped. I was doing good. The intro was fine, it worked well for the intended subject. Until my little fingers flew over the keyboard and that last sentence appeared. My problem was not with knowing what should come next, but rather which should come next. It was like hitting a major intersection serviced by several cloverleaves. There were just way too many directions to take; post subjects, each appropriate to that intro, flooded my mind. And I wasn’t even stoned. What then must we do? (Which, to add a digression to a digression is one of my all time favorite movie quotes . . . bonus points to any of you who can name the movie. Without Googling it.)

As judgmental as I enjoy being, how someone else enjoys their holiday is fine with me. Even when it doesn’t sound like there is any joy in the trip. It’s their holiday, not mine. And if, for example, they have a good time bitching and moaning about the entire event, who am I to say that’s not the best way to pursue happiness? Yeah, I know. It’s not. But if you read the gay Thailand forums with any frequency you’d know that being unhappy is what makes a lot of punters happy. Which is a good post subject all on its own. As is why some enjoy their holiday best by complaining about how others enjoy their vacation. Then there are those whose holiday in Thailand is limited to the pursuit of male flesh and who can not understand why anyone would be in the least bit interested in all of the other wonders Thailand has to offer. See what I mean? There are three additional good article subject choices, some if not all which I could be a complete bitch about in writing, and I haven’t even started yet.

Ultimately, this post is about the pursuit of happiness.
Meet happiness.

Lately the most popular threads on SGT have all been about tipping and/or the cost of things in Thailand. Needless to say, the tone of those threads have not been in praise of how inexpensive a holiday in Thailand can be. I’m not sure if the high number and active participation on these threads is due to the state of the current world-wide economic situation, or due to the current state of SGT, but the constant whining over amounts that add up to less than ten bucks does not reflect well on SGT’s gene pool. Granted, that most of SGT’s posters are now either Pattaya sexpats or Pattaya aficionados has a lot to do with that bitching, and that needs to be taken into account; Pattaya has always been just outside the borders of the Land of Smiles. That’s why so many of those happy-go-lucky folk try their hand at the flying farang trick. And articles about the strange way Pattaya fans pursue having a good time could be legion. I may have to write an entire week’s worth of posts that all start with the same paragraph.

Buried in among all that whining about pricing and the accompanying bitching over how little one should tip service personnel who spend the day busting their balls to make your holiday a pleasant one are numerous gems of the WTF? nature. I get that concentrating on having a good time while on holiday tends to narrow one’s focus, but I have to wonder just how myopic you are when after decades of visiting the Kingdom you just discovered how tips left in a check wallet at a bar or restaurant are handled. Is that from being such a self-centered jerk that anything that does not directly effect you is beyond your radar? Or is it just part of the blur thanks to your version of a good time involving copious amounts of gin? Another good possibility for a subject to post about, though I covered how to tip someone in Thailand quite a while a go (though that post was geared to newbies, not to someone who’d been visiting for years and years.)

So you can see my dilemma. And I haven’t yet touched on the differences between having a good time for those who are still young enough to do so and those whose age and/or physical condition seriously limits the amount of fun they can have. But then that’s a subject I need to further explore before posting about. Until recently, and again thanks to the crew at SGT, I never considered the joys of demanding an airline’s employee push you through the airport in a wheelchair. Or the good time you can have bitching that it wasn’t a motorized model. I have a lot left to learn about the pursuit of happiness. Knowing how others enjoy their holidays can enrich and expand your own version of what constitutes having a good time. I may incorporate many of these ideas during my next holiday and then post an article about how good of a time I had doing so.

Economics is more about value than the cost. And you can’t get much more valuable than this.

Amazing. From a simple opening paragraph I’ve got close to a month’s worth of post subjects to write about. And each, of course, needs to be tweaked just enough to allow for the gratuitous inclusion of a picture of a hot, and hopefully naked, guy. The naked guy part is the easy choice. Whether I allow my mind to wander off on further tangents, or practice a bit of discipline (something I do not practice often) and stick to my original thought is the real question. Not that it was all that earth shattering of a subject.

Holiday travel economics isn’t a bad topic to write about. And if that meant a primer on how to do your holiday on the cheap, I’d probably gain some fans from Pattaya (kidding). But economics to me isn’t about being economical as much as it is about getting value for the money you spend. That can mean – and Pattaya folk please sit down before reading further – dropping a few hundred bucks for a night out at a gogo bar. In the grand financial scheme of things, that’s money well spent if it brings you an enjoyable night filled with memories that will last a life time. Or at least until you visit Thailand and relive that night again.

Travel economics means choosing a hundred night hotel over a thirty-five dollar a night hotel because of the level of comfort you will receive in return. That can also be financially economical because the cheap hotels nickel and dime you to death in their attempt to make a profit out of your stay. And you really can’t put a price on the difference in attitude you’ll experience from locals depending on whether you went with the dump or upgraded to a decent hotel. Trying to save money when on holiday often ends up costing you more.

Backpackers flock to Khaosan because that’s what backpackers are supposed to do. Most are travelling on the cheap. And thanks to staying in Khaosan, they’ll pay more for food, souvenirs, their nightlife, and transportation around town. The locals hold them in little esteem, and gouge them at every turn. For no better reason than they settled the cheap-ass mantle around their shoulders by choosing to stay in Khaosan. That’s an obvious example, but don’t think that you’ll fare any better when you’ve decided to check into a cheap hotel on Sukhumvit, one of those that can’t afford to offer you breakfast as part of your stay or whose breakfast is limited to a single cup of coffee, an egg, two pieces of bacon, and a slice of toast.

Is this just a gratuitous use of male flesh, or does the backpack tie in with the article? Did you even notice the backpack?

The value over cost equation is not always an obvious one. But if your holiday pursuit is in enjoying yourself, if you want to have a good time, it is one that you need to think about. The part of that equation that is utmost in my mind when on holiday centers on time. Whether my trip is a week long or will last over a month, my time is far more limited than the breadth of my wallet is. When saving a buck means costing me time, it’s a no-brainer.

Selecting from the transpo options at the airport to get into town and your hotel is a good example of where you can either save on money or on time. The priciest option is to have arranged a car and driver to meet you, preferably from the hotel you are staying at. I’d agree with those who claim this is the best use of your time, but the airport came up with an official meeting place in lieu of the spot a mass of drivers holding placards used to gather as soon as you walked out of immigration, and if that is where your driver will be waiting, it’s just as quick to head down to the first floor and grab a taxi.

AOT’s ‘limousine’ service also would appear to be less time consuming but in truth, unless the taxi queue is real long, the only difference is your ride will be silver instead of neon pink, and it’ll cost you thrice the price. You save nothing on time. Those who decide to save money by using a shuttle get to spend the first few hours of their holiday seeing the sites of Bangkok (if you consider downscale hotels worthy sights). And unless you are familiar with the BTS system and don’t mind changing trains a few times and then still walking to your hotel, saving money by using the Airport Link is not the way to go, and it seldom saves you on time.

Taxi = future husband.
Uh, mine Christian, not yours.

That time is money is not an original thought. That those who seem to have their best time by saving money seldom consider the cost in time is not unusual either. Which is where I was originally headed with this post. Before all those other stray thoughts cropped up.

And that (the muddled mind, not the original intent) is thanks to my having fallen off my chair, and then having spent several minutes laying on the floor wondering if the end of the world was near, or that possibly hell had finally frozen over (the pigs flying thingy was satisfied years ago with the first farang balcony leap) from reading a recent post on SGT. The thread, which of course had to with money because all of the threads on SGT do these days, wasn’t at fault. ChristianPFC’s post was.

I like Christian, and have ever since he first started posting on the forums. He has a very dry sense of humor, which most posters never caught on to at first and which resulted in his catching a lot of flak for his initial trip reports. That he seldom took offense to comments made, and often joined in laughing at himself was, and is, a plus. But even jokes aside, there is little doubt that Christian can be quite thrifty. To be kind. So his recent post caught me off guard and floored me. Since he is one of the younger posters on the forums (and possibly the only poster under 40), I’m gonna go with: out of the mouth of babes. Here’s what he had to say:

“I use public busses a lot in Bangkok. But I have come to question if it is worth walking 10 minutes, then wait 10 minutes for the bus, and then walk again 10 minutes to my destination when all can be done in half the time by taxi and will cost just 50 baht more.”

The time you save by spending a bit more can be put to good use, even if that just means stopping to smell the roses.
(I know those are not roses, but work with me here, okay?)

Of course being Christian, he’s not quite there yet and went on to rationalize his use of the bus opens him to the possibility of meeting his future husband whereas using a taxi may not. Christian, you need to consider your future husband may be a taxi driver. Just sayin’.

I haven’t mentioned Noom in a while (which is not the same as not thinking about him because that is a daily event in my life). I have however mentioned before that we both have our little idiosyncracies that bug each other. Most of his I quickly forgive, all it takes is the flash of his smile. But my pet Noom peeve, the one I can’t get past, is just that. Whenever he decides we need to economize, he insists we take the bus. He does realize I have my limits and has not yet tried to get me on the even cheaper non-air-conditioned model, but often thinks our best method of transpo in Bangkok is a bus. Even when that means walking ten minutes to get to the bus stop, waiting ten minutes for the bus, and having it stop another ten minute walk away from where we are going. I usually flag down a taxi when I realize that’s what he’s up to. But have fallen for his trick, far too often.

What’s worse is that the bus we end up on usually gets stopped in traffic. No big surprise in Bangkok. And that then is our cue to hop off, walk up to where the traffic is flowing again, and then catch a taxi. Lessons in travel economics can be costly, even when it’s only a matter of a few additional baht. And some, ahem, never learn. I’m glad Christian is opening himself up to the possibility that time may have a higher value than cost; I hope that Noom will at sometime do the same. Especially since I’ve now exhausted this subject for a post, though in doing so have added a list of future subjects to post about. If not, I can always start a thread on the subject on SGT. I’m sure it would be a popular one.

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Thank The Gods I’m Not Straight #437

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Money Matters, Offs

Super Pussy is super expensive.

I’m not cheap. And I don’t count pennies when I’m on holiday in Thailand. I’m out for a good time, my wallet is full, and I’m ready to party. Nothing kills a fun night quicker than worrying about how much cash you’ve been spending. So I don’t. But that doesn’t mean I’m not aware of what a night on the town in Bangkok will run you. And I’m equally aware of how much more that night will cost if you finish off with a new friend back in your hotel room. What I wasn’t that aware of was how much more that entire evening out would cost if I was on the hunt for pussy instead of dick.

Because of the similarities between the gay and straight gogo bar worlds in Thailand, I enjoy reading Stickman’s weekly column. Breeders fall in love with bar girls just as often as gay guys fall in love with hot Thai bar boys. The walking ATM syndrome knows no gender, and just like with gay touri, those touri in the straight world who consider lots of cheap sex to be priority #1 head to Pattaya. It seems that at least when it comes to sex touri, if you have a dick you are not that different than your fellow man regardless of whether you prefer your partner to have one too or not. Most gay touri refer to taking a boy out of the bar as an off while straight touri call it a bar fine, the more traditional term, but other than that the two worlds are remarkably similar. Same, same, but just a little bit different. Until you get to the cost.

Maybe it is that man has historically always been on the hunt for pussy that makes purchasing an innie instead of an outie so much more expensive in Thailand. Because according to The Stick, bar girls are sitting on a gold mine. Literally.

The costs incurred by customers at Patpong’s Bada Bing would make ya think Tony Soprano had you by the balls.

Occasional mentions of pricing differences in his weekly column have always caught my eye. In a straight bar when you buy a bar girl a drink they are more expensive than what yours cost. Sometimes three and four times as much. No problemo, customer drinks in straight bars are cheaper than in gay gogo places, so it probably evens out. The girly bars also have coyote dancers, and their drinks are even higher. And now we are talking like 1,000 baht. And if you bar fine one of those girls (which is not allowed at all bars) you’ll pay a huge premium to do so. Like think a 5,000 tip minimum. Off fees too are higher at the straight bars, for any of the girls, and seem to average 1,000 baht. All those cheap ass gay sex touri who bitch about their $8 drink on Soi Twilight should instead just be thanking the gods they were not born straight. Though I offer that thanks up daily anyway.

In his most recent column Stick mentioned that one of Patpong’s more popular bars has begun offering an all-inclusive price to order a girl off their website to be sent to your room. The fee is 4,000 baht. And all-inclusive does not include the tip. Stick felt that this was not only a reasonable price to pay, but that a typical night out at a gogo bar would run you the same. And he would know. So straight punters in Bangkok typically lay out 4,000 baht for “transport to and from the bar, a few drinks, lady drinks, and barfine.” Dick, by comparison, is downright inexpensive.

For the gay touri, transport by taxi to and from say Sukhumvit, three drinks (I’m going with ‘a few’ as more than two which would instead be ‘a couple’), two drinks for a boy or boys, and an off fee at the most expensive bar on Soi Twilight would run you 2,000 baht tops. Even if you are a bottom. And that would also include a tip for the waiter or a few crumpled 20 baht notes for a boy or two who amused you. Without being cheap. That kind of puts an end to the frequent complaints on the message boards that say the Bangkok bars are on their way out because of the expense in visiting them. Go take a look at Soi Cowboy (if you dare), that run of bars just keeps getting bigger and more Vegas like. And obviously those customers are paying a hell of a lot more than we do on Twilight.

Your wallet will thank you for this not being an enticing sign to your hormones.

Gay touri in Bangkok tip somewhere between 1,500 and 3,000 baht depending on the bar, the guy, and how long the off is for. The girls demand 4,000 as a starting figure for short-time and the hotter fish command a 10,000 baht tip which only covers as long as it takes them to get you to come. There are straight customers routinely shelling out $500 to get laid in Bangkok. I’m not cheap, but that would send me home alone for a date with my hand more nights than not.

Not being into ladyboys, I don’t know if they charge more, less, or the same as their sisters. But I’d bet their income is closer to what the girls make than the boys. And that would explain why the ladyboy bars are all in the straight gogo bar complexes instead of mixed in with the gay bars. Maybe you pay more for a post-op than you do a pre-op. Or maybe the price of a girl in Bangkok explains why so many straight sex touri hire ladyboys to do them. Because it sure sounds like they are used to getting fucked in the straight gogo bars.

Related Posts You Might Enjoy:

Gay Gogo Bar First Timers Guide Part V

Short Time Offs: The Premature Ejaculation Of The Bar World?

Muay Thai for the Muy Loco

Pimp My Room: Joiner Fees In Thailand

Tags

Hotels and Restaurants, Money Matters, Offs

That extra guest you bring back to your hotel may cost you more than you’d thought.

This week Jabba’s band of merry boy lovers have been busy lamenting the cruelty of hotels in Thailand that charge a joiner fee. The issue has recently come to a head thanks to one of Bangkok’s better known dives, The Pinnacle Lumpinee Hotel, recently deciding to enforce their joiner fee policy. The sexpats are incensed that it can now cost them an extra $15 to use their hotel room for sex. And Jabba, the world traveller and hotel aficionado that he is, has decreed thanks to that policy they’ve lost his business.

Management at the Pinnacle are holding a party this weekend to celebrate the effectiveness of their new policy.

A joiner fee, for the uninitiated, is a charge some hotels in Thailand levy against a guest for bringing an unregistered ‘friend’ back to their hotel room. At its most basic, it’s a fee the hotel charges for pimping out its rooms. 500 baht is the going rate. Other hotels impose the fee, sometimes as high as 2,000 baht, to discourage their lobby from looking like a brothel. It’s also an effective way to keep fat, cheap ass sexpats from Pattaya out of your establishment. Some of the bars would do well to emulate this business practice.

Nothing raises the blood pressure of Pattaya sexpats quicker than an unexpected outlay of anything more than two bucks. Of course it’s the principle, not the money, that gets them going. Objecting to the fee one pundit wrote:

“Rules should never be accepted merely by the fact that they have been imposed by some authority. One should always question the validity of rules, as this is a major part of being a mature and responsible citizen.”

Can you blame the hotel for wanting a share?

Right. It’s a case of civil disobedience and not an objection to a hotel cashing in on a customer’s decision to engage in a bit of prostitution. And we all know nothing is more productive in Thailand than arguing with a local about the rule you just ran up against and didn’t like. Happy holiday, dude.

I’ve never stayed at the Pinnacle Lumpinee Hotel. For years I’ve read on the message boards that to save a few bucks you need to use the services of some local guy named Jimmy to book your room. Then when you arrive, you go to his room and hand over your cash. Sorry, call me old fashioned but I prefer to check into a hotel using their registration desk. I’ve got nothing against a bit of sleaze, but don’t see its appeal while registering into a hotel room thanks. Besides, a three star hotel quickly on its way to two star status that requires a ten minute walk to the closest MRT station is never gonna make it to the top of my hotel list for Bangkok. Though I do appreciate the idea of a $35 a night hotel imposing almost a 50% surcharge for using its rooms as a flop house. I’m just surprised they didn’t begin doing so sooner.

Joiner fees may not be unheard of in Thailand, but they are not the norm. At least not for most visitors. They are, however, popular with down-market establishments, especially those near the city’s naughty areas and/or those hotels popular with tourists who only visit Bangkok for its commercial sex industry. I consider joiner fees to be a ‘No Respect’ tax, not unlike the nickel and dimed to death backpacker trash who by going cheap pay twice the price of what their stay in Bangkok should cost them. A few 5 star hotels also have a joiner fee, usually in the thousands of baht, to discourage customers from bringing back prostitutes, though most of those hotels instead just have a ‘No Guest’ policy.

He’s not worth the extra $15?

It is not surprising that Jabba’s boys who are demanding to know how a hotel can justify charging this fee are the same who feel it is incumbent on the hotel to check their boy du jour’s ID card and/or to hold it at the registration desk until the punter has had his fun and sent his latest off with a thin wad of baht in hand. Because that service and use of manpower should of course be included in the thirty bucks per night they pay. And there better be a full buffet breakfast every morning too dammit! These guys are the reason the gods invented Pattaya.

Sometimes referred to as ‘Guest Friendly’ hotels – which really is what people mean when they ask about ‘Gay Friendly’ establishments – cheap hotels that do not impose a joiner fee are popular amongst sex tourists. There are even a few websites devoted to listing those places (thanks more to the straight trade than to the gay customer base). Most hotels that do charge joiner fees state so somewhere on their website. If the idea of your hotel pimping out its rooms bothers you, by all means pick an establishment that doesn’t do so. If on the other hand you are more ambivalent about the fee, there are a few steps you can take to help avoid additional charges showing up on your bill at checkout.

1. Quit Being A Cheap Ass. Hotels that charge 1,000 baht or less per night are more likely to insist on the payment of a joiner fee. At those rates, any money they can collect is important to their bottom line. Upgrade from the start and you can avoid checking into a place that charges joiner fees. Besides, your cheap room just got less cheap: a 900 baht per night room with a joiner fee added just became a 1,400 baht room.

Don’t want to pay extra for using your hotel room for sex? Try a massage shop instead.

2. Book A Double Room. The cost for a double room as opposed to a single one at almost all hotels in Thailand is the same. Many that have a joiner fee policy will not charge it if you are single and staying in a double room. Yes, I know, that doesn’t make any sense but then this is Thailand. An added benefit is that if your room comes with breakfast by booking a double you’ll have an extra meal ready to go if you keep your boy overnight.

3. Dress For Success. I thought that was a nicer heading than ‘Don’t Look Like A Fat Dirty Sleazeball Sex Touri’. Thai are very image conscious and react toward your appearance. Whether that reaction is negative or positive is up to you. Coming back from the bars late a night looking like you spent your night crawling through Bangkok’s gutters almost guarantees a joiner fee will be charged. Look like a respectable guest instead and the staff may not even notice you have a companion with you. Of course if your boy looks like a two dollar whore, all bets are off.

4. Pre-Negotiate A Waiver. If you have never had the joy of trying to argue with a Thai about a policy you just ran up against, let me save you some frustration. Don’t. You will not win. If you feel you should not be charged a joiner fee the time to establish that is before it is levied, not during or after. Agoda can’t do a thing for you, but if you book your room direct with the hotel you’ll be surprised how easy it is to get this type of fee waived for your entire stay. Just get it in writing along with the name of the person who agreed to waive the fee.

Sex at the sauna too can avoid the joiner fee hassle.

5. Sneak Your Boy In. This is a great idea. But please drop me an email and tell me which hotel you are staying at so I can come by and watch the festivities. The Ambassador is famous for the extents their staff will go to to nail guests who try to sneak a visitor past their joiner fee policy. Sometimes even the Boys in Brown get involved. There aren’t many other opportunities for that much fun when trying to save $15 in Bangkok, so go for it and really make your holiday a memorable one.

6. Get A Short-Time Room. I guess if you need to stand on your principles you can take your new friend to one of the numerous short-time hotels scattered around Bangkok’s gay night-life areas. You’ll pay the same as the fee your hotel would charge you for bringing back a guest, if not more, but I’m sure that will teach them a lesson.

7. Go For The Long-Term. If you booked a double room and found a guy you’d like to spend the rest of your holiday with, register him into your room. This avoids the whole joiner fee mess. BUT, once you have done so realize he now has complete access to your room, all of the hotel’s facilities, and all room charging opportunities the hotel offers. With the wrong guy, this can end up being more costly than paying a nightly joiner fee. With the right guy, you’ll have just given him major face and can expect your own pleasure to ratchet up accordingly.

Doubling down can be a better value for joiner fees paid.

8. Go Get A Massage. You can also avoid being charged a joiner fee by getting a massage instead. As infamous as the Ambassador is for its strict joiner fee policy, you can order up an in-room happy ending from the hotel’s spa and enjoy the comforts of your room without paying a joiner fee there (though you will pay for the massage and a tip for the service). Hitting one of the massage shops anywhere in town will also avoid being charged a fee by your hotel since you’ll take care of all of your business off site instead. Or better yet, go hit one of the gay saunas in town and you might just get your rocks off for free.

9. Cut Your Joiner Fee In Half. If value for the money you spend is your concern, go ahead and pay the joiner fee but double down on your fun. Bring two boys back to your room instead of one and you just cut your joiner fee in half. Four boys would cut it to a quarter, and if you schedule a big enough orgy the fee should zero out. Okay, so math was never my strong point, but sex and fun is, and since that is the point, are you really gonna cry over a lousy $15 bucks?

Related Posts You Might Enjoy:

Thailand’s Gay Friendly Hotels

Gay Gogo Bar First Timers Guide Part 3

The Definitive Guide to Tipping in Thailand*

Getting Riel In Siem Reap

Tags

Cambodia, Money Matters

Three quarters or 3,000 riel for a beer, it’s up to you.

I’d wanted to get into Cambodia for years; just never seemed to have the time even though it’s just a quick run from Thailand. But I finally decided to pre-book the trip to make sure I actually set the time aside. I mean any country willing to sell a kid to Angeline Jolie has gotta be worth seeing, right?

Now you have several choices of destinations within the country, Phnom Penh (third world capital), the killing fields (historic, tragic, but not exactly Disneyland), the countryside and the mighty Mekong (land minds, flooding, and dirty brown water), or Siem Reap and the many ancient wats surrounding what probably was a quaint little town a mere 10 years ago. My choice was Angkor Wat, which meant Siem Reap for accommodations.

I flew in on Bangkok Air . . . you can also make a long overland journey by bus, well known to be a major opportunity to participate in a scam (yeah, you get to play the part of the victim). The short haul was a 45 minute flight that they actually tried to serve a meal during – which I have to give them credit for since my last 5 hour flight to Hawaii on United came with no food unless you wanted to buy some from them. Watching the locals, I caught on quickly: take the food, wolf it down, because they come right back around to grab your tray. My seatmates from Australia tried the casual dining approach and didn’t get to finish. On landing, I was expecting third world type conditions and so was pleasantly surprised by the airport – quaint for sure, but very clean and it looked like it belonged in SE Asia.

Daytime colors of Siem Reap.

Unless you previously obtained a visa, you need to get one before clearing immigration. Fortunately I had read a guide book for a change and came prepared with a photo of yours truly and $20 for the visa. No photo, you get fined. No $20 in US, well, noting I’d come in from Thailand the visa clerk first quoted me a 1,000 baht price. That’s like $35. Ha! I ain’t your typical stupid American touri!

After paying for the visa, you wait for it to be processed and your name to be called. The guy handling this part of the operation was quite funny and was having a wonderful time mispronouncing names. I always appreciate a man who enjoys his job. But then I also always appreciate weary travellers whose journey has beat them into submission leaving them basically brain dead having to then deal with officialdom in some tiny foreign country where they don’t have the good sense to speak perfect English. Immigration at Siem Reap was not the dreary experience it is in other countries; the entertainment value of Immigration Officer vs. Touri alone made the trip worthwhile. Provided you matched the immigration guy’s English with your last name you get your Visa, and you next get into yet another line to clear immigration.

Now I get to digress. You probably noticed I do that quite often. Live with it. In this case it’s a rant about damn Eastern European touri. Sneaky mf’s . . . World War II just didn’t do a complete enough job. The reason for this rant was a 30 something woman who wanted to cut into line. Her trick was to stand to the side of where she wanted to cut in, drop her bag, and then every time the line moved forward she’d kick the bag over a bit more into line and follow it. Bitch tried in front of me and when she got too close I strategically, but oh so casually, swung around allowing my heavy carry-on to bang into her. She got the message and cut in behind me. Ours was the slowest moving line (yep, I’m blessed) and I watched her pull the same move cutting into the next line over. Long line, long time to watch my fellow touri. My seatmates from the plane and I saw each other and nodded. International travel can be sooooo rewarding!

. . . and its cooler colors at night.

A $5 cab ride to my hotel (the Ta Prohm, not to be confused with the wat of the same name) taught me the first rule of Cambodia travel: Don’t be cheap, fool! Very few of the streets of Siem Reap are paved. Even those that are are covered in dirt. An air conditioned cab cost the aforementioned $5. For $2 you could instead ride in the Cambodian version of a tuk tuk (more of a motorcycle pulling a buggy). So by saving $3 you get a noisy, hot, bumpy ride guaranteed to fill your nose and mouth with dust. Yeah, master those possibilities . . .

The second rule of Cambodia travel is that if you were smart enough to follow rule #1, your cab driver will offer to be your driver/guide for the entire trip. Sounds like a scam. But unless you come off as a total idiot, the fee he charges will be about the same as you’ll find anywhere else. I lucked out. My driver spoke excellent English and was 1 year away from completing his studies to be a licensed guide. Booked ‘em and he proved worth every penny (which is about what the local currency is worth – but that comes later).

My guide, Juan (Okay, that wasn’t his name but I couldn’t pronounce his name so we mutually agreed he’d be Juan for the trip) planned out my visit to the major wats for the following day to avoid the rush of touri. Seems there are certain times of the day everyone wants to be at special spots, which end up being not that special when viewed with every touri in Siem Reap. First up was Angkor Thom with the Bayon – some 54 towers of quadruple gargantuan faces on them. Way cool. And probably my favorite wat in the area.

Siem Reap Blues

Ta Prom (the wat, not my hotel) was next. This is the one that has been overgrown by large ficus trees, their roots encompassing the remaining walls of the wat. Cool, but did they have to name a tree after Angeline Jolie just because she bought one of the country’s kids as a souvenir? Lastly, for the day, was Angkor Wat, the mother of the local wats, and it really is awe inspiring. At Angkor Wat, as well as the others, locals are quite evident, still using the sites for religious purposes ( as opposed to the even greater number of local using the sites to fleece touri out of a few bucks for books, postcards and knickknacks available at a much cheaper price back in town).

With cultural duties taken care of my evening was free for more less than salubrious pastimes and I decided on a beer and dinner at The Red Piano. Both because it was close to the hotel and for its grand patio – dining outdoors with the hustle and bustle of bar street tableside. I’d barely quaffed down half my drink when a white pair of legs appeared with an Aussie accent asking, “Mind if we join you?”

The legs ended up belonging to the female half of the couple I’d been next to on the plane. Sylvia and John. They joined me, which seemed right since I’d constantly hooked up with Aussie touri on this trip. Nice folk. While I’d spent my first day touring ancient wats, they’d spent theirs trying to find a place to stay. Sometimes the ‘take it as we go’ mode of travel can be a pain. After several rounds of drinks and enjoyable talk about our travels, Sylvia lamented the fact that not thinking she’d exchanged her Aussie dollars at the airport for Cambodian riel. The country offers more than one source of comedic relief at the airport, there’s a money exchange booth there too. Feel free to snicker at those lined up in front of the cage when you scurry past headed to the taxis and tuk tuk waiting outside.

The Red Piano is a great place to soak up some shade during the day.

Had my new dearest friends taken the time to read a guide book, they would have discovered the Cambodian riel is worth zip, nada, zilch, or for those into actual facts, a bit over 4,000 to the U.S. dollar. And the local economy runs on the US buck. The only local stuff you see is when someone tries to give it to you as change. Anyway, Sylvia had a stack of riel piled on the table in front of her, and after watching her count out about three inches of it I offered to pay for the drinks and dinner (real generous, at the end, five rounds of drinks and dinner came to about $20). Good move on my part as we ended up dining together nightly for the next four days, it was like travelling with friends without having to actually spend the day with them.

I’m not that big on guidebooks preferring to strike off and find things to do and see on my own. But they do serve their purpose when it comes to the basics. A few minutes of pre-trip fact gathering can pay off. Or you can instead choose to be the punch line for some other traveller’s tale.

Related Posts You Might Enjoy:

Fear and Loathing in Phnom Penh: The Killing Fields

Fear and Loathing In Phnom Penh: The Temple Angelina Built

Fear and Loathing in Phnom Penh: The Mekong Express Toots Its Horn

First Timers Guide To Shopping In Bangkok (Part I)

Tags

Bangkok, Markets & Shopping, Money Matters

Mah Boon Krong (MBK) Is Bangkok’s most popular shopping mall.

Bangkok is a shopper’s paradise. Even if you are not into shopping, it’s hard not to do while in The Big Mango. This guide is intended for first time visitors, a multiple post series that will help you get the most out of your shopping experience while in Thailand. Of course, that is assuming you’ve already read my First Times Guide To Bangkok Gay Gogo Bars series of posts. Which is about shopping of an entirely different kind.

Your shopping experience in Bangkok can begin the minute you get off the plane. So can your ‘I Got Scammed in Bangkok’ experience. You’ll have ample opportunity to participate in both later, for now, show a bit of restraint, pass by the duty free shops – which means they make a larger profit, not that you get a cheaper price – meet the only Thais in the country who don’t smile (after you’ve waited an hour to get through immigration), get your first scam experience from the taxi driver outside the airport doors, and check in to your hotel. Phew. Now the shopping can begin.

Not to beat a dead horse (because the mamasan would charge you an extra 500 baht if that’s your kink), but your first shopping experience will probably be at one of the gay gogo bars. That’s as it should be. If you opt for a long-time off and keep your boy for the next day, he’ll be a great guide for your initial foray into Bangkok’s shopping extravaganza. This will also allow you to take part in the Thai tradition of buying someone you just met gold jewelry or a cell phone. Make that gold jewelry and a cell phone. And while there are plenty of places all over town your boy can take you to make that purchase, more than likely he’ll lead you to Mah Boon Krong (MBK), Bangkok’s most famous shopping mall. Even if you decide to make your first shopping trip without a bar boy, MBK is a great place to start. The place is humongous, fairly inexpensive, and serves as a good introduction to what shopping in Bangkok is all about.

MBk offers seven floors of shopping and entertainment.

I’ll walk you through the mall, which will be much less tiring than an actual visit to MBK, in a minute. First, as a newbie to shopping in Bangkok there are a few rules you need to learn. They all apply to your MBK experience; most will also be useful for anywhere else you shop while in the Kingdom. Except for street markets. And I’ll cover those in a subsequent post. But let’s start with the basics:

1. Haggling. The old rule of thumb was that if a store priced their merchandise, those were fixed prices and you paid whatever the asking price was. Everywhere else, you haggled. Not so any more. The world’s economy sucks and times are hard so almost all stores now will allow you to haggle over prices. This can be troublesome for the newbie. Not wanting to look cheap, many just pay the ticket price when with just a bit of effort they could have instead walked away with a great deal. So when should you haggle in a shopping mall in Thailand?

At MBK the only place where an attempt at getting the price lowered will be fruitless is the larger department stores. Which is pretty much Tokyo, the Japanese multi-floor retailer than anchors MBK at the Skytrain end of the mall. Everything there has a price tag on it (kinda, sorta). The clerks there do not have the authority to lower prices. The clerks there do not have the intelligence level necessary to make that kind of difficult mathematical computation. The fact that it takes six of them to conclude a single item purchase should tip you off. The fact it takes three of those six to figure out how to put your purchase in a bag should make it obvious. But their incompetency does provide you with a general rule regarding when to haggle and when not to: In a larger store where most things are priced and there are at least half a dozen clerks standing around looking like they just had a group lobotomy, haggling is not the norm. Everywhere else, go for it.

Oh, and by the way, this is Thailand, so everything is for sale. And you really need to learn English. Stores in Thailand do not have sales. They have promotions. Where everything for sale is on sale, or at a discount. Which they pronounce ‘dick count’. Not to be confused with the dick count you made at the gogo bar the night before.

All the trinkets you’ve been eyeballing at street markets are available at MBK too. But then seriously, you shouldn’t be buying that crap anyway.

2. Sizing. Even guys who don’t like to shop for clothes end up buying some at MBK. The selection is immense and the prices are cheap. Even though Thailand, like the rest of the world, mistakenly uses the metric system, for menswear they use U.S. sizes. Not that those sizes correspond to those used in the U.S. Because that would be . . . oh, never mind.

One Size Fits All means it won’t. Assume that you need to buy one size up in casual shirts. So if you usually wear a medium T shirt, you’ll need to start with large in Thailand. And will probably actually need to go to XL. Anywhere in the world if the garment is 100% cotton, it will shrink. If it was made in Thailand, it will shrink at least one full size. All cotton is not the same. And if you scored some of those 99 baht T shirts, they’re seconds and were probably mismarked to begin with.

Ditto for casual pants. Yes they do say they are size 32. That’s Thai for 28. Unlike T-shirts which you can eyeball, you’ll need to try pants on. In one of the small stalls this can be tricky. The dressing room is a small corner with a curtain hung in front of it that a normal sized Thai man would not be able to fit into. Your initial reaction would be to just drop trou out in the open, but that is considered rude. Unless the stall is too small to even have a curtain. Then it is expected. So you better not be shy. Or be wearing a thong.

You need to try anything and everything you are considering buying on. Every piece. Just because the shirt you tried fits does not mean the same exact shirt in a different color will too. In fact that usually means it won’t. Bit it’s worth the pain of trying the stuff on, the clothes you buy will be at a great bargain. And they will still fit better than anything you have made at one of the custom tailor shops run by Indians in town.

MBk opens at 10:00 am, if you get there too early, you can take a photo of this dog who hangs out there daily until the crowds arrive.

3. Security. If you enter MBK from the ground floor or off of the Skytrain system you will pass through a metal detector manned by a few locals wearing vaguely militaristic uniforms. They are security guards and are just as brain dead as security guards are anywhere in the world. The metal detectors are not tuned as finely as those at the airport, but if you are carrying metal, such as a camera, they will go off. Ignore them. Focus your eyes on some undefined point far off in the distance and just keep walking. The guards will not come after you. To do so would be rude in Thailand. And if you do stop for your bags to be searched the horde of people waiting behind you will get quite pissed. They know the guard and detector are just for looks and will not tolerate your stupidity for long.

Of course if you really did intend on blowing up the mall, then you should know the entrances from the parking lot do not have metal detectors and the duty of the security guards on those doors is to hold them open for you. So that you can easily carry your bomb inside. If it is a heavy bomb, ask. They will carry it in for you.

4. Traffic Flow. You may have already noticed that in Thailand they drive on the wrong side of the street. If you are familiar with screwed up countries that do the same then you probably have figured out they also tend to walk on the wrong side of a pathway. Except in Thailand. In Thailand they follow their street traffic patterns which boils down to the ever popular ‘every man for himself’. Just like your taxi driver who will drive down the wrong side of the street because he spotted an open lane (which would look like the right side of the street to an American), in shopping malls your fellow shoppers will follow the path of least resistance. Especially if that means walking directly into you.

99 baht T-shirts: cheaper than laundry service.

You will need to use the escalators to traverse from one floor to the next. There are a few sets of elevators at MBK, but they are well-hidden from touri. And if you stumble into one, your brief ride packed in like a sardine will teach you what claustrophobia is all about. You’ll also learn what a small space packed with Thais smells like.

Your parents probably taught you to be polite. And as a Westerner you have learned how to use lines (or queues for those of you from those countries where they drive on the wrong side of the street). Thais have not learned either of these tricks. This is nowhere more evident than at an escalator at a shopping mall. If you get into line with the other falang, you will still be waiting your turn an hour later. Instead, come in at an angle and cut to the front. Or just follow any Thai in front of you.

That politeness thingy also probably taught you to be considerate of the elderly. So even when cutting to the front of the line, your natural inclination would be to allow an elderly Thai to board the escalator in front of you. Big mistake. As soon as those magic stairs quit moving she will come to an abrupt and complete stop. And will begin reminiscing about her day, planning her television viewing schedule for the next two weeks, and reconsidering the major life choices she has made over the last eighty years. And if you were lucky enough to catch yourself from running over her, you’ll then be stuck behind her, squeezed in by the crowd, until she decides to move. This is what being polite gets you in Thailand.

Some escalators go up, some go down, some are next to each other, some require you walk half way through the mall to get to the next flight. The only guarantee is that you’ll never see them this empty.

5. Information. Large malls in Bangkok like MBK have Information Counters for falang to use to more easily find what they are looking for. And they are excellent for this purpose provided all you are looking for is the Information Counter you are standing at. This is one of the few positions at the mall that the HR department demands skilled labor to fill. To land one of these sought after positions you need to demonstrate a complete lack of knowledge of anything to do with the mall. Having a total lack of knowledge about Bangkok means a management position is waiting for you.

Thais, however, will never admit they don’t know something. So the helpful clerk at the Information Counter will give you explicit directions to wherever it is you are looking for. And that information will be helpful. Do exactly opposite of whatever she tells you and you stand an 80% chance of being right.

The Information Counter can be fun though. If you are with other falang who keep asking you where stuff is, direct them to the closest Information Counter. It’s a great prank and you’ll have hours of entertainment laughing at them as the wander about completely lost while following the directions they received.

It’s also fun to eyeball the name of the nearest store and then stop and ask the girl at the Information Counter how to get to that place. She’ll get her fellow Information Clerks to help out, a long discussion will follow, and then she’ll point you in the opposite direction.

The helpful girls at MBK’s Information Counter prove that a human can in fact continue to function when brain dead.

6. Toilet. Fortunately MBK has a large falang customer base and the locals have figured out Westerners are not intelligent enough to know how to use a hole in the floor as a toilet. So you will find familiar porcelain at the public restrooms at MBK. Locals using the facilities may not be as familiar with those contraptions, so don’t be surprise to pass by several of them squatting on top of a toilet seat. If nothing else, this leaves the urinals free for your use. And you’ll need that space. Because while you are relieving yourself an eighty-year -old local woman will start mopping the floor between your legs.

Like any other entertainment venue in Thailand, admission to the toilets at MBK is not free. I think it is now 2 baht. There is a guard at the door who will collect your fare, and she will be much more diligent about her job than the security guards who didn’t stop you from walking into the mall with a loaded AK-47. You will not get a free pass from her no matter how badly you need to go. And she does not have change (which would amaze anyone not Thai since she is siting there with a bag full of one baht coins). So be prepared. Or head out to the parking lot and pee against a pillar like the locals do.

7. Money Matters. This may come as a newsflah to you, but you are shopping and that involves money. Since you are in Thailand, that involves baht. This seems to be incompressible to the many Russians you’ll see causing a ruckus because their rubles are not being accepted, but most falang know enough to exchange their currency for the local’s version that looks like it came from your old Monopoly game. If you are smart you’ll do so before you hit the mall. The rate you get will be worse here, it’s a convenience. Meaning it is convenient for them to rip you off with low exchange rates.

You may try to beat the system by using plastic. In attempting to do so you’ll find, just like in those Visa commercials, they don’t take American Express. They also don’t take Visa. Or MatserCard. PowerBuy, the large electronics store, will. So will Tokyo. But as the size of the stores grows smaller so is the likelihood that they will accept plastic. It’s not that they are unable to, they just don’t like to. If you insist, expect to pay a 3% fee for using your credit cards (and they still don’t accept American Express).

The roads surrounding MBK and its parking lot are easily confused. (The parking structure is the one where traffic actually moves.)

8. Lay Out. I’d warn you that MBK is so huge that you can easily get lost, but you won’t listen to me so I won’t bother. Besides, if you do get lost you can always stop at an Information Counter for assistance. Let’s instead talk about basic layout. Of MBK and any shopping district in Thailand. Think of each floor as a village. Traditionally in Thailand, every village specialized in producing one type of product. This has carried over into malls and shopping areas.

This phenomenon will be most noticeable when you hit the fourth floor. There are 2.8 million stalls selling cell phones on the fourth floor. Okay, that may be an exaggeration. I’m probably overstating by a few dozen. And not only do they all carry cell phones, they all carry the same brands and models too. Don’t worry, your boy du jour will know which one will give you the best deal. And will give him the best commission for bringing your wallet to them.

But this layout scheme make shopping for specific items easy. If you want the 99 baht T-shirts, they are at the opposite end of where the Skytrain station is on the sixth floor. There are around 200 stalls, all selling the same shirts and all gathered in one big clump for you to shop from. See, it does make sense.

Your best bet for getting to MBK is the BTS, it will also provide you with a chance of honing your crowd survival skills.

9. Transportation. You may have noticed I’ve mentioned the Skytrain a few times already. It’s also known as the BTS, just to avoid confusion. It’s the best way to get to and away from MBK. You can also take a taxi or tuk tuk, but the traffic around MBK – and the dozen of other malls that spread out along both sides of it – is notoriously jammed. It looks a lot like MBK’s parking lot, except the traffic doesn’t move quite as quickly as it does in the parking structure. To help alleviate the traffic congestion, taxis and tuk tuks are not allowed to let off or pick up customers along the two fronts of the mall. So, of course, if you take a taxi or tuk tuk to the mall, this is where you will be let you off.

When you are ready to leave, to catch a taxi or tuk tuk you need to find the rear entrance to the mall. This is the official public transportation hub for the mall. There are no signs directing you to this area. So you can take your chances and step out front instead where, unless there is a Boy in Brown collecting tea money, you’ll be able to catch your ride.

If you use the BTS, your disembarkation point is National Stadium. This is the terminus for the Silom Line. Most of the crowd you ride in with will get off one stop before at Siam. Don’t. That stop is for two other malls. And you haven’t been trained to shop at those malls yet.

If you have not yet used the BTS, your excursion to MBK will be an excellent opportunity to practice your crowd survival skills. At your boarding station you’ll notice everyone politely lines up on the arrows provided and patiently waits for the next train. When it arrives, thirty doors chuff open down the line. Then the nicely formed lines dissolve into a feeding frenzy; those passengers exiting engage in a head-down, grunting, shoving and pushing match with those who want in. No voices are raised, no punches are thrown, but if you have personal-space issues, a ride on the BTS will be a trial by frottage for you.

This is a handy directory for you to use at MBK. If you are a nice person, print a copy out and drop it off at one of the Information Counters. The girls there will be amazed. Most will not have realized the mall has more than one floor.

The worse part of the MBK shopping experience is that the mall is so huge and there is so much to look at you can easily become shopped out without ever having bought something. Sad to say, but it happens to the best of us. It’s kinda like if you’d read this post this far to get information about what you can buy at MBK and were to discover that after running you through the shopping basics the post has run on too long and needs to stop now.

Ah well, consider this a lesson learned. In Thailand you will always get exactly what you pay for.

Related Posts You Might Enjoy:

Pointing Out The Obvious, Or Why There Is No Madison Avenue In Thailand

The Definitive Guide to Tipping in Thailand*

Making Money On Your Money

Color Me Black

Tags

Money Matters, Scams

The black hole of personal finance for many is greed.

Darwinism fails to account for why there are still so many stupid people in the world. By now the gene pool should be in better shape than it is, but instead it seems to become more diluted with every generation. I just ran across a scam that evidently is not new, but is quite prevalent in Thailand. I’d think you’d have to be brain-dead to fall for it, but then scammers rely as much on greed as they do stupidity so maybe it’s just that there are more greedy than stupid people in the world. Or maybe it’s that greedy people are stupid. Or is it that stupid people are greedy?

Recently, I was reading Stickman’s column. He covers the straight gogo bar scene in Thailand, has been around for years, and while he seldom delves into the gay bars the similarities in the two worlds are so prevalent it’s always an interestingly read. Hearing the money the bars and girls charge make the fees the gay bars charge seem dirt-cheap too. When same sex marriage is legalized, I think every gay man headed to Thailand should be required to read a year’s worth of the Stick’s columns as a warning. Not that that will stop those who shouldn’t from falling in love with a Thai boy and marrying him, but it’s always nice to be able to say I told you so when gazing down at the bloody carcass of some fool who failed to heed the warnings. But then that’s not about greed. It is about stupidity to some degree, but more about matters of the heart. In that we are all a bit stupid. Matters of the wallet are a different subject.

The dangers of scams in Thailand are numerous and well known. And just as many people continue to fall for them anyway. In those cases too you get to say I told you so when gazing down at the bloody carcass of some fool who failed to learn from the experiences of others. This week Stick wasn’t writing about scams though. He was interviewing escorts. It was an interesting read to see what they thought about their customers.

Pursuit of a quick buck opens you to a quick loss.

One of the girls he was talking to made a comment that trying to open a business with money made from escorting never worked because you were using ‘black money.’ I’d never heard that phrase used before, but the sentiment rang true. Especially from a Thai. They tend to be a superstitious lot, and it kinda had a karma ring to it. I thought it may be one of those well-known Thai phrases that I’d not yet run across so I Googled it. And instead was introduced to the Black Money Scam.

Locals, more than visitors, seem to be the willing victims in this scam. And it seems to include locals throughout SE Asia, not just Thailand. But in my internet research on the scam I found instances where it was reported being used in Great Britain and the U.S. too, so it’s nice to know stupidity is a world-wide phenomenon. Sometimes also know as the ‘wash wash scam’ the black money scam is a variation on the always popular advance fee fraud scheme. In this one, the victim is lured by a trunk full of money that has been dyed black to avoid detection by customs. With the victim’s help (that’d be money) special chemicals are purchased to wash the black money to remove the dye and then the victim gets part of the profits.

Initial contact is often made via email, though many locals in Thailand have fallen for this scam after being approached in person. The basics are always the same: someone died, there’s a large trunk full of cash involved, moving the currency over the border risks taxes and governmental fees so it has been dyed black to fool customs inspectors, and if the lucky winner pays for the pricey solutions needed to clean the cash he’ll soon be rich. But even before the washing part of the scam takes place, the idiot victim is often asked to pay for a host of associated costs and fees.

Treasure chests, in whatever form they take, lure thousands to an early financial grave.

After being swindled for large chunk of cash, the financial wizards who’ve fallen for the scam often demand to see the trunk full of money. And in many times have to travel to whichever foreign country the money is being held in, usually Ghana or Nigeria, but often India plays host too. When he arrives, he’s shown the loot which includes authentic bills that have been coated with a protective layer of Elmer’s glue, and then dipped into a solution of tincture of iodine. The bills, when dried, look and feel like black construction paper. The trunk full of notes are real construction paper; when the victim picks a “note” for cleaning, it is switched with the iodine coated bill. And then miraculously cleaned before his very eyes, usually with a “magic cleaning solution” which is actually crushed Vitamin C tablets dissolved in water. Now all the victim has to do is purchase more of the magic cleaner and the clean money will be his.

You’d think that anyone even considering allowing their greed to run wild would check the internet these days to make sure they are not being offered the chance to play in a well known scam. But then like fans of FOX news, most people only read what already fits in their minds. There are numerous sites warning about this scam. And there are just as many offering the magic cleaning solution for sale. There is even a YouTube video demonstrating the correct way to clean black money. I even ran across one forum devoted to warning people about this scam on which every other posts was a link to where you could buy the ‘real’ cleaning solution as opposed to the fake stuff.

For the truly stupid, after they have purchased the cleaning solution and still have not been sent their payola, additional fees are added by the scammer until the victim is either broke or suddenly finds an active brain cell. Most victims do not report the crime to the police; the scammers cover this early on warning potential victims that by participating in the scam they are violating local and international laws. Too frightened of facing jail time, the victims go broke quietly.

The black money scam is a new twist on money laundering.

Some victims do go to the police. And make public just how stupid they are. At the beginning of this year, Mr. Thep Jantornvattana, the 68-year-old is the owner of the Cozy Villa hotel in Bangkok contacted the Boys In Brown after handing over 200,000 baht to a pair of scammers, a Liberian and Sierra Leone citizen, who’d lured him with a promise of black money totalling 5 million U.S. dollars. He wised up just before he was supposed to pay another 300,000 baht to the criminals.

The police arrested the swindlers who were in possession of two fake passports, papers coated with liquid, two small safes, a bottle of water and counterfeiting equipment to produce fake U.S. dollars. The pair had been staying at the victim’s hotel. After their arrest, the police found the Liberian had been previously arrested in 2009 charged with advanced fee fraud, having scammed two Thai nationals, a Malaysian, and a Singaporean with the black money scam.

The idea that you could get rich off of a trunk load of money that has been dyed black that only requires you pay for washing it is obviously ridiculous. Savvy financial wizards know the real path to instant wealth is through sound investment strategies. Like picking up tons of undervalued Iraqi dinar.

There are better uses for your money than participating in get rich quick schemes.

A year ago in October, a friend called having finally decided that I was worthy of being let in on how to make millions investing in dinar. She’d been busy stocking up herself and had already shared her secret with several others, all of whom daily poured over the latest news coming out of Iraq that sounded the date that the dinar would once again be an actively traded monetary unit. Payday was only a week or so away.

She’d learned of the investment opportunity through an anonymous email. Being no dummy though, she’d done due diligence, checking to see what Google had to say. And sure, there were numerous sites warning that this was a scam. But there were just as many offering to sell dinar and tons where savvy investors decried the idea this golden opportunity was a scam; naysayers were those who just didn’t want the general public to know about this quick route to becoming a millionaire.

I was noncommittedly dubious, tried to be supportive of her venture, didn’t mention the stupidity in opening email from foreign banks you’ve never dealt with and those whose subject line promises a share in recently found riches, and went on-line as soon as I hung up the phone. She was right. Those bastard naysayers were everywhere. The fools!

The idea behind this scam investment opportunity is that Blackwater alone shouldn’t be making a killing off the war in Iraq. It uses the reference of what happened with the dinar in Kuwaiti following the first Gulf War where the undervalued currency took off when peace broke out. According to those offering dinar for sale, Iraqi dinar are valued today at about 1,000 to the U.S. Dollar. So they are cheap to buy. When the war is over, the dinar will be actively traded once again and the rate for the investor will increase to 1,000,000 to one. At least.

Foolish investment decisions based on greed usually result in watching your money go up in smoke.

For those who want to believe, the logic offered behind this scam is hard to argue with. When Iraq starts rebuilding its economy will boom, its money will go up in value, and we’ll all be rich. When you want to believe, it’s easy to ignore that the more likely scenario will be that the Iraqi government will lower the value of their currency. Allowing the value of their money to skyrocket while the country pays off its debts, rebuilds its infrastructure, and attempts to recapture its export base requires a stable dinar, not a wildly fluctuating one. The Iraqi dinar is not the sleeper investment of the decade. Unless you are one of those selling the worthless money.

I called my friend back and explained what I had found and why she may be better off not investing in dinar. I was as successful as trying to convince a right-wing nut case that President Obama is not a Muslim. She instead went with the in for a penny in for a pound adage and picked up several more thousand dollars of dinar. And is still waiting for the pay-off. The scary thing is she is still bragging about the money coming her way and still trying to convince others that they too can become rich by investing in dinar.

Maybe it’s not greed. Maybe it’s not stupidity. May be she is more savvy than I when it comes to international money investments. Maybe I should pick up a few thousand dollars worth of dinar. But instead I’ve been banking my extra cash in an easily liquidated account. Dead water buffalo are not cheap to replace, and I’m sure to be buying a few in the near future.

Jade: The Imperial Gem

Tags

Markets & Shopping, Money Matters, Scams

The Chinese say “Gold has a value; jade is invaluable.”

All that glitters is not gold, and all green stones are not jade. Not that you’d know it considering every money-grubbing seller of semi-precious rocks and stones is more than willing to claim whatever cheap-ass stone they are trying to convince you to buy is in fact jade. The sad thing is that 80% of the time they are telling the truth, it just might not be the ‘jade’ you are thinking of.

With Valentines Day just around the corner, a quick primer on buying jade seems to be in order. Sure roses, chocolates, and cute plush animals bearing hearts are more traditional gifts (and probably cheaper too). And sure your boy du jour would rather have something in gold (‘cuz that is easily convertible into baht). But no Asian worth his salt will ever turn down a piece of jade. Jade has a long history in Asia. It’s considered to bring good luck and protect from danger and harm. And the real stuff, the jade that can easily max out your credit card, all comes from Burma. Which, I understand the locals now pronounce Myanmar. ‘Jade’ however they still pronounce the same: big bucks.

From both a legal and gemologist viewpoint, there are two types of real jade. Jadeite and nephrite. Those are the ones you really need to know about. We’ll come back to them in a sec. First lets talk about all the fake jade, the majority of which can be sold legally as jade.

I know what you’re thinking. Sounds like Thai logic. But in this case the ability to scam a customer legally is a world-wide problem. Like all scams, it requires greed on the part of the buyer. Unlike most scams it does not require dishonesty on the part of the seller. Well, not much.

Quality jade has a depth and translucency seldom matched by other stone.

You can legally call stones that are not jade, jade as long as you add a descriptive word first. In Hong Kong, one of the favorite terms is ‘old’ jade, followed closely by ‘new’ jade. There’s also Soo Chow jade, Hunan jade, Chinese jade, and Hong Kong jade, among others. Then there’s all the colors of the rainbow: yellow jade, pink jade, purple or lavender jade . . . you get the picture. And if you are not careful, you also get to pay jade prices for an inferior stone. (By the way, I’m personally responsible for the term Butter Jade. I started selling cheap pieces of yellow aventurine as butter jade decades ago and now you’ll find that term used all over the world. Mmmmmm, I think I need to start a Wikipedia page.)

A reputable dealer selling real jade will refer to it as jadeite or nephrite. But then part of the problem is that some will say Burmese jade, which is where most of the world’s supply of jadeite comes from, and others – because natural (kinda) color determines value – will make a big thing out of the piece they are selling being lavender jade. If the seller knows you are knowledgeable though they will instead describe the stone, for example, as jadeite from Burma, or lavender jadeite.

Most fake jade is actually serpentine, a cheap stone that often mimics the color of nephrite jade and which can be found all over the world. Some sell aventurine as jade too, and it is even more common and less expensive than serpentine. Soapstone is another favorite fake jade. If it is a rock and green in color, you can bet someone out there is selling it as jade. And the real crooks will try to pawn off glass or plastic as jade.

Green stone, or pounamu, is nephrite jade used in New Zealand where it has historical significance to the Maori culture.

As for the real stuff, jadeite is the more precious of the two. The most desirable colors of jade are the deep emerald greens of imperial jade. White and lavender jade are also highly regarded for their rarity. Jadeite also comes in browns, oranges, pale yellows, and greys. Jadeite has a glassy luster and a translucency that is hard to match. This is the jade that fetches thousands of dollars for a simple piece of jewelry. While the highest quality jade is transparent and is compared to the consistency and clarity of honey, jadeite can also be opaque, lacking the depth that drives the higher prices. So you can find cheap jadeite, though comparable to other stones it will still not be inexpensive.

Nephrite, a more plentiful type of jade, comes out of many areas of the world from China to the United States and Canada. Nephrite jade tends to occur in shades of brown as well as green and white. It generally has a darker, more mottled color and a waxy look to it. While generally much less expensive than jadeite, when worked by a master carver a piece of nephrite can run into the thousands of dollars too. Nephrite that comes from some areas is highly valued because of its color, and the price of nephrite from New Zealand, where it is called pounamu, is expensive due to both its amazing luster and because it is a protected export under the Treaty of Waitangi.

It’s easy to confuse the two. In fact it wasn’t until the 19th century that a French mineralogist determined that jade was in fact two different materials. Even in China where jadeite reigns supreme, before the late 1800s when jadeite began to be imported from Burma, it was nephrite that was considered to be the stone of the emperors. A chemical analysis can be conducted to determine if a piece of jade is jadeite or nephrite, but for most purchases that’s an expensive step that the cost of the stone doesn’t justify. While a cheap piece of nephrite will never pass as jadeite to a knowledgable consumer, a good piece can. But then it may be worth the price anyway. The best test for the amateur is the feel of the stone. Nephrite has a slightly waxy feel to it, jadeite always feels cool to the touch.

Nephrite jade was used for carvings in ancient China due to the stone’s warmth and ability to bring a piece to life.

Perhaps not surprisingly, nephrite is seldom enhanced while jadeite is almost always treated to improve its appearance, especially to make its color greener. The treatments are usually either impregnating the stone with dyed polymers, which fills in the fissures and cracks in the jade, or heating, which intensifies the natural color. (80% of the gemstones on the market today are treated, by the way, usually by heat or radiation, as consumers have shown preference for vivid color over untreated, less colorful stones). Some jade is just dyed, though these pieces are usually quite inexpensive to begin with. Both lavender jade and the vivid apple green of imperial jade in their natural state are quite pricey. So if you find a piece of lavender jade for under $50, it has been dyed (that same piece in natural lavender would run you over $5,000.)

A grading system is used by reputable dealers to identify which, if any, type of enhancement has been used on a piece of jadeite. Grade A is jadeite that has not been enhanced, it is natural and usually commands top dollar. Grade B is treated to remove brown or yellow impurities between grain cracks and boundaries, and then a clear polymer resin is used to fill the void left by the impurities. The polymer will improve the transparency and color of the jade. Grade B jadeite is still quite expensive, the treatment is considered to be used to refine the piece rather than to mask its faults as in the case of Grade C.

When a piece of jadeite has been dyed or stained to give it better color it is Grade C. The stone loses its translucency in this treatment, and over time the color will fade. Grade C jadeite should be relatively inexpensive, but unscrupulous dealers will try to sell Grade C jadeite as natural jade. Really poor piece of jadeite get both the Grade B and Grade C treatments and are basically worthless. But that’s the jadeite you’ll see sold at street markets and on on-line auctions.

Color rules in valuing jade, translucency comes in a close second.

Treatment aside, the value of jadeite is determined by color, clarity, and transparency. Color is the most important factor in the quality of jadeite. The hue, saturation, tone, and color distribution of the piece all come into play. Top quality jadeite is pure green (hue), its color appears intense even from a distance (saturation), it is neither light or dark (tone), and the color is even throughout the piece (distribution). Note however distribution means the piece is of a single color and not marred by impurities not that the saturation of the color is the same throughout. Real jade is not uniform in color, fake jade is.

Clarity refers to imperfections that impair the passage of light. The finest jadeite has no inclusions or other defects that are visible to the naked eye. Transparency means the piece has depth and you can see through it, the best jadeite is semi-transparent. Opaque jadeite or material with cloudy patches typically has the least value. Interestingly, even if the overall color is uneven or low in saturation, jadeite can still be quite valuable if it has good transparency.

Short of hiring a professional gemologist or hiring a lab to test your piece, how do you know you are buying real jade?

Most will tell you jade is a hard stone and not easily scratched. They’re right. Both nephrite and jadeite are harder than steel, if you can scratch a stone with a knife it is not jade. But try and perform a scratch test on a piece you are considering buying. Make sure a friend is capturing you on video when you do ‘cuz you’ll have a hit for YouTube. Yes, Jade should not scratch when you run a piece of metal against it, but that’s worthless advice; you’ll never get away with scratch testing a piece of jade whether it’s fake or the real thing. However, there are a few tests you can get away with:

The jade market in Kowloon is the best place in Hong Kong to buy fake jade. (Two streets over, the real stuff is for sale.)

Texture. Jade has a shine and luster to it unlike any other stone. Even the cheapest piece accepts a high polish. Run your fingernail across the stone. If it feels bumpy then it is probably not jade.

Weight. Jade is dense, it’s heavy, you can feel the weight of the stone. Nephrite and jadeite are both heavier than glass and most other rocks of similar size.

Temperature. It’s not unusual to see Asian buyers touch jade to their cheeks to feel its temperature. Jade is cool to the touch. Even in a warm environment, jade should feel cool to the touch. If you are unsure, clasp the jade piece in your closed hand until it has warmed to the same temperature as your body. Then set the jade aside for 30 seconds. Touch it with the tip of your finger (or tongue if you want to gross people out). Real jade does not retain heat well and should feel very cool.

Sound. Jade lets off an amazing tone when hit with other stones, metal, or glass. It will chime like a bell if it is authentic. Think of it as the sound of crystal versus glass. Real jade pieces produce a pleasant and resonating sound; fake jade sounds like marbles rattling in a jar or glasses clinking. This is also one of the ways to determine if the stone is A, B or C grade jade because the more natural and untreated the stone is the more chime-like tone it will produce.

Jade is naturally white. The greens, browns, yellows, and purples are due to chemicals in the surrounding stone of where it forms.

There is also the ‘hair’ test. Wrap a piece of hair tightly around the jade, then use the flame from a lighter and wave it underneath the hair. If the hair burns it is not jade. If left unburned then the stone is real jade. But this test is just a step above the scratch test and you’ll be hard pressed to find a dealer, reputable or not, who will allow you to start burning his stones.

Jade is one of the most highly prized semi-precious stones, with good reason. It has a look and feel that is unsurpassed. Knowing just a bit about the differences of the two types of jade, and how to spot fake jade can help you to make a confident purchase and get a good deal on the piece you buy. Probably the best piece of advice in buying jade is to not be greedy. If the price seems to good to be true, it probably is. Then that stone just became a lucky piece of jade for the seller. Especially if it wasn’t really jade.

When jade is mottled greens and browns it is difficult to tell if it is jadeite or nephrite. Look for the luster, jadeite takes a high polish and will gleam.

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Connectivity

Tags

Money Matters, That's Gay

I saw on the news that the world could soon be experiencing a laptop shortage thanks to the floods in Thailand last fall. Turns out this small SE Asian country represents 25% of the global laptop computer manufacturing industry. No problemo, I’ve got a few and no plans on buying a new laptop within the next several months. But for someone in need of a new computer, that shortage could be disastrous. Life as we know it these days requires connectivity.

I’m not a panic kind of person. You can throw just about any stumbling block in my path and I’ll deal with it rationally and calmly. So booting up my notebook the day I was to leave for my most recent overseas trip only to discover my web browser wasn’t working was not the end of the world it could have been. I didn’t panic. I just packed one of my back-up laptops instead, dreading the fact I’d be forced to travel with a five pound piece of technology. The horror.

But I came close to a state of panic when I booted up my back-up at the airport only to find the wireless was on the fritz. I used the computer in the airline’s lounge to Google a fix and found out that particular model of HP is known for having a problematic wireless card, and all the suggested fixes really wouldn’t solve the problem. Even HP agreed the only answer was a new motherboard. Nice. Not only would I spend almost 20 hours of not being connected to the world, the first thing I’d have to do when I landed in Bangkok would be to dodge the gang of porn DVD sellers at Pantip Plaza and find a vendor who wouldn’t rape me over the cost of installing a new motherboard. I spent the next five hours considering just how irresponsible it would be of me to trash my computer and buy a new one in Bangkok instead.

Several people who had the same problem with their HP reported success by buying an external wireless card, bypassing the card in the computer. HP’s official word was that would not work. That instead you should purchase a full motherboard from them didn’t lead me to exactly trust their recommendation, so after checking in at my hotel I headed to the Power Buy branch in the Robinson connected to my hotel. And actually found a Thai salesperson who knew something about the product he was selling. His geekness trumped his Thai-ness. Not only did he know and understand my problem and how I thought I’d fix it, he went one better and suggested I try a USB wireless adapter. Which cost a whopping 490 baht (about $16).

The gadget, something I’d never heard of, was smaller than the size of your thumb nail. Size counts in my world and I didn’t have much faith that such a small of a piece of technology would fix what seemed to be a very large problem. But the clerk felt it would and agreed I could return it if it didn’t do the job. Being allowed to return something you buy in Thailand is a pretty big deal. Big enough to make up for the small sized fix. And I’ll be damned if that little sucker didn’t do the job. With only a few minutes of playing around to get it to work. Amazing Thailand indeed.

Had I not been able to find a solution to my problem I would have solved it by buying a new computer. The idea of spending almost a month travelling without, just wouldn’t have been acceptable. It’s not just the connectivity issue, but business too. Not to mention hook-ups. Technology has changed our lives. Without being connected to the world, we can no longer survive.

The need to be connected is a given these days. The girl at the hotel’s reception desk no longer asks if you need internet access when you check in. At any hotel in the world. A user name and password is slipped across the registration counter without thought. And if you really need it, you’ll get a key to your room too. But lets keep priorities straight.

I had trouble getting access at my hotel in Laos, and remembering the front desk clerk had said there was a computer available for use at the restaurant, which was close to my room, I took my laptop over there to see if the signal would be better. It wasn’t. But the hotel’s resident geek responded quickly to the problem, came up with an encryption key that needed to be added for the connection to go through, and all was right with my world again. Geeks were once a source of derision. Now they rule the world. They still might not get laid often, but the last thing anyone ever wants to do these days is piss off the geek who stands between you and being connected to the rest of your world.

I was on the BTS, obviously nowhere near rush hour since I had a seat and a clear view of a line of local women sitting across from me. They were all in their early twenties to late thirties. And all but one of the seven had a cell phone cradled reverently in their hands, plugged in, and totally involved in their own little world. The hold out had an iPad booted up instead. It wasn’t that many years ago that a cell phone was a status symbol for bar boys. Having one mounted to your hip was the thing. Even if it wasn’t connected to a service provider. Now any bar boy whose phone isn’t the latest and greatest is shamed; if you don’t have the newest iPhone you obviously have not learned how to help your farang have a big heart.

Telephone technology has come a long way baby. When I was a youngster, our phone was a heavy bakelite thing with a rotary dial. And we had a party line because that’s what you got in those days. (A party line meant while you had your own phone number, there were several other people who shared your line. So when you picked the handset up to use the phone you had to listen first to make sure one of your neighbors wasn’t using the phone.) My folks drummed our phone number into our little heads, in case we got lost someday. They never were that lucky, but I still remember that number. Though in those days for some reason phone numbers started with letters.

When cell phones first came out they were humongous affairs. Big and bulky with terrible reception, you paid through the nose to have service for a mobile phone. Reception can still be a problem, but the size of cell phones has shrunk while their capabilities have increased. Everyone on the planet has a cell phone these days, and between texting, picture taking, web browsing, email, and all the cool things you can do with apps, the one thing no one seems to do with a phone anymore is talk on them.

Considering how quickly the technology of phones has advanced, you have to wonder what phones will look like ten years from now. Undoubtedly we’ll be laughing at those cumbersome useless things we used back in 2012. I’d have to assume the future holds some sort of connectiveness that doesn’t require anything more than a chip. Possibly embedded under your skin. If that picture was not quite so fuzzy, I’d be investing in the technology now and in ten years could hire Bill Gates to shine my shoes.

It seems to me that since computers and cell phones keep getting smaller and more powerful at the same time, and with cloud computing being the wave of the future, the need for an actual piece of hardware should become a thing of the past. Since everything will be ‘up there’ where man once looked to the gods for answers, there will be no reason to have a personal device for connectivity; you’ll just pull what you need when you need it out of the air.

Recently, through a licensing partnership with Nokia, Vuzix announced its plans to develop a stylish head-mounted display solution in the form of Smart Glasses, which would integrate a bright, high-contrast display with a pair of seemingly ordinary-looking sunglasses that would be used as a web-connected device, letting you watch videos or browse the internet while still being able to see-and-avoid pedestrians as you walk on the sidewalk or obstacles while behind the wheel. So hands-free computing and voice recognition software is where we are headed, Siri should be the tip-off for the latter. Our technological advances in connectivity have all been about doing more with less, voice and visulas appear to be the wave of the future.

Or so you’d think. But then texting would seem to be an abomination. It’s a step backward that the masses have embraced. We’ve gone from using voice technology, the phone, to typing out our communications. Instant communication seems to be the key with texting, but that really depends on how quickly you can move your thumbs. That whole opposable thumbs thing finally is making sense. Most texts, however, do not. In our never ending quest for faster and quicker communication, spelling and grammar have taken a back seat. Not that that is a bad thing. Trying to remember if it should be ‘who’ or ‘whom’ is an internal debate of the past when now a simple ‘?’ will suffice.

Sexting is an even worse use of technology considering that it is the one time that hands-free communication makes the most sense. Phone sex was always difficult to pull off with any aplomb. Except for the truly talented, it always comes off sounding like bad porn dialogue (or is that phrase an oxymoron?). But at least with phone sex you could always rely on a few well placed groans. A sexted moan of pleasure just doesn’t cut it. Our technological advances should be serving us better than that. The information highway is most often used to answer the age-old question of, “How big is your dick?” A picture is worth a thousand words; visuals then, not text, is the way to go. Even when it means the end to your political career.

We’ve gone from the Pony Express to Facebook, from waiting weeks to hear if the rest of the world still existed to the seconds it takes for your favorite piece of hardware to power up. The ease with which we can become connected these days makes up for the false promise of a paperless world thanks to the advent of the personal computer. Tomorrow’s technology will be even more awesome. What we do with that technology, not the technology itself is what matters. We are more connected today, thanks to email, texting, cell phones, and social media, and at the same time draw further away from interpersonal, face to face communication. I’d like to say we took the wrong path at some recent point, that by using today’s technology in the manner we do we’ve actually grown further apart, not closer. But then there’s Grindr . . . so maybe our advances in connectivity isn’t really a bad thing after all.