With the recent upswing in interest in my article from last year that provided all the spoilers for True Blood Season 5 it can mean only one thing: Spring is in the air and the fancy of young gay men is once again turning to the hot undead bodies of the gentlemen from Bon Temps. Season 6 is upon us and the latest instalment of HBO’s hottest show debuted last Sunday night, starting the season off with a fang. As in Joe Manganiello’s bodaciously delectable naked ass, quickly reminding us of all the goods things about watching True Blood. Which for the last two seasons has only been Joe Manganiello’s bodaciously delectable naked ass.
Last season held great promise with Christopher Meloni’s guest starring role as a vampire of authority and the expected joy of watching Keller’s penis at work on the small screen once again. Despite the aging body it is attached to. Unfortunately Meloni’s penis never made its debut; it turned out to be a cheap ploy by the producers to get the audience to accept the idea that ancient male flesh that really looks like ancient male flesh could still be hot in hopes we’d give a pass to Stephen Moyer’s love handles posing as abs on a body that only those turned on by the sight of an elderly lesbian would find sexy. Which may explain Anna Paquin’s pregnancy.
Before we got to the good stuff (the aforementioned bodaciously delectable naked werewolf ass) we were treated to a recap of last season’s ending when Bill gulped down a bottle of the vampire goddess Lilith’s blood, gets all choked up and gasps out a horrible rendition of the true death – proving the dangers Michael Douglas already discovered about getting too up close and personal with vagina – before coming back to life, transformed into the new Bill with a good dollop of Lilith thrown in, a freshly minted ladyboy sans breastesses. So she obviously went with the Angelina Jolie look. And as any post-op ladyboy who just discovered her doc forgot the tits would be, boy is she pissed.
Eric, the hunky Norseman whose also frequently naked ass is the second best thing about the show, mimics the battle cry of countess numbers of visitors to Thailand when accosted by an aggressive ladyboy hooker hanging out on Sukhumvit and yells, “Run!” A handful of exploding vampires and a bit of lesbian sex later (to remind us that True Blood does in fact belong to the horror genre), we finally get to what everyone was waiting for: Alcide’s nakedness. Whose on-screen time is far too short. Which may have been a homage to Manganiello’s best buddy since rumor has it rather than a Big Dick Richie he’s packing a Little Joe.
Meanwhile Bill finally puts some damn clothes back on and starts getting in touch with his new inner ladyboy by syncing up Jessica’s period with his own, causing Jessie to writhe about on the ground in great pain which should give you a small inkling of what Oprah’s audience goes through when she pulls the same damn stunt. Rather than just give the poor girl the Tampax she needs, everyone stands around bitching at each other and Eric gets all prissy with Pam ‘cuz he’s no more happy about finding out his girlfriend is bisexual than Johnny Depp was.
Jason – whose also frequently naked ass is the third best thing about the show – exits stage left ‘cuz the producers couldn’t find a flimsy excuse for him to be naked; Tara takes Pam to the beach for a lesbivamp pity party in hopes that with a bit of luck, some super glue, and a quick munching session before Pam gets her latest Brazilian wax job she might finally get those eyebrows she so desperately needs; and the rest of the gang heads to Bill’s house to see how he’s used his newfangled feminine wiles to redecorate, where upon arrival Sookie promptly stakes him. Lesson learned: never ever go with plaid curtains.
Bill rolls his eyes, says, “Ha, ha, you gap-toothed bitch, I’m a ladyboy now and sticks and stones may break my bones but your little wooden dildo will never hurt me,” kicks everyone but Jessica out and immediately sets to proving he can be Jessie’s Girl by warming up a nice cup of True Blood for her, which she almost spills except Bill uses his newly minted ladyboy powers to pause it in mid-spill amazing Jess who goes, “Wow. Neat trick. Did you know you could do that?” and Bill goes “No, I’ve been a man up until now and didn’t even know what happened when you spilled shit all over the floor ‘cuz only women pay attention to crap like that,” and they hug, united in sisterhood.
Which of course pisses Sookie off to no end ‘cuz she the only bitch – including the post-op – not getting any vagina on the entire show and is the only one in real life who swings that way. So she does what any woman pissed at the world would do and takes it out on a man. Back at her place she reminds Eric of the joys of fairy pussy, who – forgetting that incest is best and his sister’s vagina is waiting for him out on the porch (and speaking of unnatural sex acts, did you know Skarsgard’s home country just recently got around to making bestiality illegal? So any hopes of Alcide and Eric hooking up is probably off the table now. But I digress. Now. Not before. ‘Cuz that subject used to fall under the heading of masturbation not broken dreams) – immediately signs over the deed to the house to Sookie. Which, of course he has to do by stabbing his hand with a pen and using his blood to sign the papers. ‘Cuz that’s just how vampires roll.
Sookie shows her appreciation by saying thanks and get the fuck out of my house which causes Eric to put on his hurt, lost puppy dog look – which might explain why Pam decided to go lez ‘cuz if your mate is gonna act like a little girl you might as well snuggle up with a real one instead – which only goes to show you Skarsgard obviously has no white male friends who bought their bride from your choice of country in SE Asia ‘cuz that’s their version of Social Security for their entire family or he wouldn’t have been so surprised.. Welcome to America.
Oh, and Rutger Hauer, this season’s villain, shows up looking like Beetlejuice. I think. But that may have been Betty White.
True Blood Season Six’s tag line is No One Lives Forever, which has the blogosphere all atwitter – see what I did there? – over a main character meeting his true death with many wailing that it will be Eric which is just plain stupid ‘cuz everyone knows even the undead can only die once and Skarsgard’s career already met its in last summer’s not-a-blockbuster movie Battleship. The obvious reference, of course, would be the freshly minted ladyboy Bill’s no longer necessary dick – but Game of Thrones already pulled that trick (I did warn you!) – so as y’all will find out the lucky winner of leaving a hit show before its producers ruin it to the point of cancellation – which for True Blood will be Season 7 – is Pam. Oh. My bad. Spoiler Alert!
HBO has always taken good care of its gay viewers (that’d be the aforementioned best parts of True Blood numbers 1, 2, and 3) and I applaud their decision to bring the T part of LGBT into True Blood’s plot even though considering the looks Moyer gives Skarsgard every time he takes his shirt off they might have done better going with the B. Ah the memories of a childhood spent at an all boys school back home in England. But this lesbian crap has to stop. I try to take even better care of my readers and purposely neglected to mention in Manganiello’s ass’ opening scene there was the unfortunate incident of a little girl on girl action that the producers tried to pawn off as a three-way when we all know, at worst, a three-way involves only one vagina. And that’s just for show so the two guys can do their thing and still claim they are straight.
So we’ve had werewolf lesbian sex, vampire lesbian sex, real-life lesbian wished for lesbian sex, and transgendered lesbian sex – which I’m never quite sure about but think still counts as lesbian sex – all in the first episode. With not a single U-Haul trailer in sight. Throw in a scene shot in a sushi bar and the entire cast would be getting wet. Which might explain that casting Rutger Hauer thingy, though admittedly he fits the elderly fag hag role better than the elderly dyke one so maybe things are looking up.
But then there are the additional cast members for the new season and it looks like the producers just couldn’t get past the L to feed us at least a bit of G. Luke Grimes, who rocks the Justin Bieber lesbian look and is a doppelganger for Robert Pattinson – the one all the little future dykes get all hot over from Twilight (the movie, not the bar, though you never know) – is set to appear mid-season as a circa ’70s-made vamp who is a cross between Jim Morrison and Gary Clark Jr. and who interestingly enough back in 2005 lost out in playing the lead role in the miniseries Elvis to Jonathan Rhys Meyers who will be starring in this fall’s NBC’s vampire offering, Dracula, so at least there will be one gay boy sucking his little heart out on the small screen this year.
And in a nod to all the ginger dykes who hate to shave, Rob Kazinsky from Eastenders (not the scruffy gay character ‘cuz like Theon’s no longer long penis Game of Thrones snatched him up first) joins in as a new love interest for Sookie, though considering that out of the last two guys she was gaga over one went tranny and the other is beginning to act like a woman his chances at not turning into a lesbian are slim to none. There is also rumor of a new gay black character, but ya know what happens to black characters in shows where death is a way of life. So don’t blink.
Alan Ball, the producer whose well-lubed guiding hand brought us plenty of naked male flesh, a healthy dose of guy on guy action, as well as a great gay anal sex scene – that taught us a breaking condom is not the only danger when bouncing on your buddy’s buttocks – during the first five seasons has left the show either pissed that HBO didn’t let him feature Meloni’s cock last season or in fear that they would force him to feature Rutger’s this year, leaving the show’s gay viewers at the mercy of some idiot who must be straight ‘cuz so far the show has been a lesbian over-dose even for fish who like fish. And that’d explain the decision to turn Bill into a ladyboy too. As for who in the hell is Warlow, if it turns out to be another lesbian I’m gonna switch over to watching Veep instead. At least that show only has a single lesbian in it.
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