True Blood Season 6: It Ain’t Over ‘Til The Fat Ladyboy Sings

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Movies & Television

Bill is a newly minted ladyboy without breasts in True Blood Season 6. And boy is she pissed.

With the recent upswing in interest in my article from last year that provided all the spoilers for True Blood Season 5 it can mean only one thing: Spring is in the air and the fancy of young gay men is once again turning to the hot undead bodies of the gentlemen from Bon Temps. Season 6 is upon us and the latest instalment of HBO’s hottest show debuted last Sunday night, starting the season off with a fang. As in Joe Manganiello’s bodaciously delectable naked ass, quickly reminding us of all the goods things about watching True Blood. Which for the last two seasons has only been Joe Manganiello’s bodaciously delectable naked ass.

Last season held great promise with Christopher Meloni’s guest starring role as a vampire of authority and the expected joy of watching Keller’s penis at work on the small screen once again. Despite the aging body it is attached to. Unfortunately Meloni’s penis never made its debut; it turned out to be a cheap ploy by the producers to get the audience to accept the idea that ancient male flesh that really looks like ancient male flesh could still be hot in hopes we’d give a pass to Stephen Moyer’s love handles posing as abs on a body that only those turned on by the sight of an elderly lesbian would find sexy. Which may explain Anna Paquin’s pregnancy.

Joe Manganiello’s bodaciously delectable naked ass makes its season debut in True Blood.

Before we got to the good stuff (the aforementioned bodaciously delectable naked werewolf ass) we were treated to a recap of last season’s ending when Bill gulped down a bottle of the vampire goddess Lilith’s blood, gets all choked up and gasps out a horrible rendition of the true death – proving the dangers Michael Douglas already discovered about getting too up close and personal with vagina – before coming back to life, transformed into the new Bill with a good dollop of Lilith thrown in, a freshly minted ladyboy sans breastesses. So she obviously went with the Angelina Jolie look. And as any post-op ladyboy who just discovered her doc forgot the tits would be, boy is she pissed.

Eric, the hunky Norseman whose also frequently naked ass is the second best thing about the show, mimics the battle cry of countess numbers of visitors to Thailand when accosted by an aggressive ladyboy hooker hanging out on Sukhumvit and yells, “Run!” A handful of exploding vampires and a bit of lesbian sex later (to remind us that True Blood does in fact belong to the horror genre), we finally get to what everyone was waiting for: Alcide’s nakedness. Whose on-screen time is far too short. Which may have been a homage to Manganiello’s best buddy since rumor has it rather than a Big Dick Richie he’s packing a Little Joe.

The best thing in True Blood: Werewolf ass.

Meanwhile Bill finally puts some damn clothes back on and starts getting in touch with his new inner ladyboy by syncing up Jessica’s period with his own, causing Jessie to writhe about on the ground in great pain which should give you a small inkling of what Oprah’s audience goes through when she pulls the same damn stunt. Rather than just give the poor girl the Tampax she needs, everyone stands around bitching at each other and Eric gets all prissy with Pam ‘cuz he’s no more happy about finding out his girlfriend is bisexual than Johnny Depp was.

Jason – whose also frequently naked ass is the third best thing about the show – exits stage left ‘cuz the producers couldn’t find a flimsy excuse for him to be naked; Tara takes Pam to the beach for a lesbivamp pity party in hopes that with a bit of luck, some super glue, and a quick munching session before Pam gets her latest Brazilian wax job she might finally get those eyebrows she so desperately needs; and the rest of the gang heads to Bill’s house to see how he’s used his newfangled feminine wiles to redecorate, where upon arrival Sookie promptly stakes him. Lesson learned: never ever go with plaid curtains.

Bill eyeball fucks a shirtless Eric . . . now this is where True Blood’s plot was supposed to go.

Bill rolls his eyes, says, “Ha, ha, you gap-toothed bitch, I’m a ladyboy now and sticks and stones may break my bones but your little wooden dildo will never hurt me,” kicks everyone but Jessica out and immediately sets to proving he can be Jessie’s Girl by warming up a nice cup of True Blood for her, which she almost spills except Bill uses his newly minted ladyboy powers to pause it in mid-spill amazing Jess who goes, “Wow. Neat trick. Did you know you could do that?” and Bill goes “No, I’ve been a man up until now and didn’t even know what happened when you spilled shit all over the floor ‘cuz only women pay attention to crap like that,” and they hug, united in sisterhood.

Which of course pisses Sookie off to no end ‘cuz she the only bitch – including the post-op – not getting any vagina on the entire show and is the only one in real life who swings that way. So she does what any woman pissed at the world would do and takes it out on a man. Back at her place she reminds Eric of the joys of fairy pussy, who – forgetting that incest is best and his sister’s vagina is waiting for him out on the porch (and speaking of unnatural sex acts, did you know Skarsgard’s home country just recently got around to making bestiality illegal? So any hopes of Alcide and Eric hooking up is probably off the table now. But I digress. Now. Not before. ‘Cuz that subject used to fall under the heading of masturbation not broken dreams) – immediately signs over the deed to the house to Sookie. Which, of course he has to do by stabbing his hand with a pen and using his blood to sign the papers. ‘Cuz that’s just how vampires roll.

Ah those were the days when gay sex on True Blood included penis.

Sookie shows her appreciation by saying thanks and get the fuck out of my house which causes Eric to put on his hurt, lost puppy dog look – which might explain why Pam decided to go lez ‘cuz if your mate is gonna act like a little girl you might as well snuggle up with a real one instead – which only goes to show you Skarsgard obviously has no white male friends who bought their bride from your choice of country in SE Asia ‘cuz that’s their version of Social Security for their entire family or he wouldn’t have been so surprised.. Welcome to America.

Oh, and Rutger Hauer, this season’s villain, shows up looking like Beetlejuice. I think. But that may have been Betty White.

True Blood Season Six’s tag line is No One Lives Forever, which has the blogosphere all atwitter – see what I did there? – over a main character meeting his true death with many wailing that it will be Eric which is just plain stupid ‘cuz everyone knows even the undead can only die once and Skarsgard’s career already met its in last summer’s not-a-blockbuster movie Battleship. The obvious reference, of course, would be the freshly minted ladyboy Bill’s no longer necessary dick – but Game of Thrones already pulled that trick (I did warn you!) – so as y’all will find out the lucky winner of leaving a hit show before its producers ruin it to the point of cancellation – which for True Blood will be Season 7 – is Pam. Oh. My bad. Spoiler Alert!

Ooops, I was right. That is Betty White.

HBO has always taken good care of its gay viewers (that’d be the aforementioned best parts of True Blood numbers 1, 2, and 3) and I applaud their decision to bring the T part of LGBT into True Blood’s plot even though considering the looks Moyer gives Skarsgard every time he takes his shirt off they might have done better going with the B. Ah the memories of a childhood spent at an all boys school back home in England. But this lesbian crap has to stop. I try to take even better care of my readers and purposely neglected to mention in Manganiello’s ass’ opening scene there was the unfortunate incident of a little girl on girl action that the producers tried to pawn off as a three-way when we all know, at worst, a three-way involves only one vagina. And that’s just for show so the two guys can do their thing and still claim they are straight.

So we’ve had werewolf lesbian sex, vampire lesbian sex, real-life lesbian wished for lesbian sex, and transgendered lesbian sex – which I’m never quite sure about but think still counts as lesbian sex – all in the first episode. With not a single U-Haul trailer in sight. Throw in a scene shot in a sushi bar and the entire cast would be getting wet. Which might explain that casting Rutger Hauer thingy, though admittedly he fits the elderly fag hag role better than the elderly dyke one so maybe things are looking up.

The second best thing in True Blood: Viking booty.

But then there are the additional cast members for the new season and it looks like the producers just couldn’t get past the L to feed us at least a bit of G. Luke Grimes, who rocks the Justin Bieber lesbian look and is a doppelganger for Robert Pattinson – the one all the little future dykes get all hot over from Twilight (the movie, not the bar, though you never know) – is set to appear mid-season as a circa ’70s-made vamp who is a cross between Jim Morrison and Gary Clark Jr. and who interestingly enough back in 2005 lost out in playing the lead role in the miniseries Elvis to Jonathan Rhys Meyers who will be starring in this fall’s NBC’s vampire offering, Dracula, so at least there will be one gay boy sucking his little heart out on the small screen this year.

And in a nod to all the ginger dykes who hate to shave, Rob Kazinsky from Eastenders (not the scruffy gay character ‘cuz like Theon’s no longer long penis Game of Thrones snatched him up first) joins in as a new love interest for Sookie, though considering that out of the last two guys she was gaga over one went tranny and the other is beginning to act like a woman his chances at not turning into a lesbian are slim to none. There is also rumor of a new gay black character, but ya know what happens to black characters in shows where death is a way of life. So don’t blink.

The third best thing in True Blood: Young, Aussie bubble butt.

Alan Ball, the producer whose well-lubed guiding hand brought us plenty of naked male flesh, a healthy dose of guy on guy action, as well as a great gay anal sex scene – that taught us a breaking condom is not the only danger when bouncing on your buddy’s buttocks – during the first five seasons has left the show either pissed that HBO didn’t let him feature Meloni’s cock last season or in fear that they would force him to feature Rutger’s this year, leaving the show’s gay viewers at the mercy of some idiot who must be straight ‘cuz so far the show has been a lesbian over-dose even for fish who like fish. And that’d explain the decision to turn Bill into a ladyboy too. As for who in the hell is Warlow, if it turns out to be another lesbian I’m gonna switch over to watching Veep instead. At least that show only has a single lesbian in it.

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And The Oscar Goes To . . .

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Movies & Television

Seth MacFarlane isn’t an animated actor thanks to too many facial botox injections, but he plays an animated gay character on TV. Let’s just hope he’s not as stoned as James Franco was as he takes his turn at hosting the Academy Awards.

Tonight is one of the high holidays in the gay constellation of bright Hollywood lights: The Academy Awards. Since Django Unchained, which is up for Best Picture, made it cool to use the N word again (like I’m stupid enough to actually do that) I’m hoping the presenters will get a clue and finally quit using that wishy-washy ‘and the Oscar goes to’ phrase and go back to the more praiseworthy “and the winner is’. Seriously, if you don’t get the little gold guy you’re a loser no matter how many time you say it’s an honor just to be nominated. I doubt the studio that forked out the big bucks to snag your nomination for you thinks you losing is an honor. Besides, everyone involved in tonight’s production is gay anyway so they’re already all winners in my book.

Bradley Cooper gets the Best Gay Actor Award, but fails to take home an Oscar. He will, however, take home Seth MacFarlane.

It seems only fitting that the Oscars go gay in a big way this year since even President Obama jumped on the rainbow bandwagon in his State of the Union Address. Who knew we’d ever become so in? This year is the first time an openly gay man will host the Academy Awards. Unless you count James Franco’s phoned-in attempt two years ago. And he’s not really gay anyway. He’s just a straight man who likes to bottom. Seth MacFarlane – a major fan of show tunes – gets to finally step out from behind the camera and out of his closet to let his adoring fans gaze upon those heavily plucked eyebrows of his. Up until now he’s only outted himself as the voice of the gay character Stewie in Family Guy. And on the casting couch when lining up some of Hollywood’s hottest hunks to appear in his movies. No doubt he is already set to make his move to console Leonardo Dicaprio for failing to get nominated, but then Seth is one of the few gays in Hollywood willing to accept Quentin Tarantino’s sloppy seconds so landing Leonardo isn’t actually a win.

Chris Tucker should have been nominated for Best Supporting Actor for his role as the gay sidekick in Silver Linings Playbook, but they already nominated Denzil Washington for Best Actor and that bit of overkill would have resulted in Quentin Tarantino dropping the N bomb on live TV.

Of course for the gays it’s not about who is and who won’t admit it, but rather who is wearing whom at the Academy Awards, with a slight nod toward who actually wins. Since I spoiled the presidential election for you by announcing that winner in advance, I thought it only right I do the same for something y’all actually care about. So here’s who will be taking home an Oscar tonight (for the categories anyone will remember by tomorrow morning):

Philip Seymour Hoffman will take one for the gay team and allow a breeder to win the Best Supporting Actor Oscar.

Best Supporting Actor:
Not every person who wins an Oscar this year can be family, and even though Philip Seymour Hoffman counts, no one really cares about the supporting categories so this one is gonna go to Tommy Lee Jones in a nod to the grumpy face he made at the Golden Globes. If they ever make a movie about the gay gogo bars in Bangkok, Tommy is a shoe-in for reaction shots of the dour old coots sitting in the audience.

Helen Hunt with her Ocsar for winning the Best Supporting Actress for her performance in The Sessions.

Best Supporting Actress:
Seriously. Fish. And fish without enough talent to land a leading role to boot. Along with the rest of the world I’d like to see Sally Field win this one. It’s been 20 years since she ruined her career with her last Oscar acceptance speech and we’re all waiting in breathless anticipation to watch her do it again. Many feel that Justin Bieber will win this one for her role in Le Miz, but just so that the lesbians don’t feel totally left out, Helen Hunt will walk away with the Oscar for her convincing portrayal of a prostitute servicing a gross farang, a role Thai bar boys are equally skilled at playing.

Leonardo Dicaprio should win the Best Actress award, but won’t.

Best Actress:
Personally I think Leonardo got snubbed by the Academy in not being nominated in this category, but the winning actress is an easy pick: Meryl Streep.

Daniel Day-Lewis wins the Oscar for Best Actor for his outstanding gay love scenes in My Beautiful Laundrette.

Best Actor:
With the talent represented in this category, choosing the winner is a difficult task. Daniel Day-Lewis emoted his ass off as usual and the Academy loves emoting. Hugh Jackman is a serious contender for his skill at coming off gay in everything he does, while Bradley Cooper is equally talented in trying to come off as straight in everything he does . Joaquin Phoenix can’t be ignored ‘cuz the Academy has always been fond of bestowing posthumous awards. Denzel, unfortunately doesn’t stand a chance and only got the nomination to convince everyone that Hollywood doesn’t really approve of the N word despite all the accolades it’s been throwing at Quentin. And the winner is: Daniel Day-Lewis. Not for killing the character of Lincoln, but rather for his ground-breaking role as a young British thug involved in an interracial gay relationship in 1985’s My Beautiful Laundrette. Though getting to make out naked with that little Indian hottie should have been reward enough.

Ang Lee will win the Best Director award for convincing Jake Glyndhall to bottom in Brokeback Mountain. Even if it was type-casting.

Best Director:
Steven Spielberg is not gay, but he is Jewish and certainly could have afforded to buy this Oscar if he really needed another one. David O. Russell deserves major props for keeping both Bradley Cooper and Chris Tucker from lisping in Silver Linings Playbook. And he gets bonus the-Oscar-goes-to-the gay-guy points for groping his transgendered niece last year. It doesn’t matter if Michael Haneke is gay or not since he’s not American, and even though my gaydar was pinging its ass off when I saw Benh Zeitlin on The Colbert Report, no one has ever hard of him before. Nor will they ever again. This statue goes to Ang Lee for Life of Pi, as well as for his three previous gay movies Brokeback Mountain, The Wedding Banquet, and Taking Woodstock. If Spielberg ever wants to win another Oscar he really needs to get his gay on. He can start by casting Channing Tatum in Robopocalypse.

And the Oscar for Best Picture goes to this shot of a naked Chris Messina and his impressive chub in 28 Hotel Rooms.

Best Picture:
Throw in the lesbian for Zero Dark Thirty and you have a gay tie-in for almost every movie nominated for Best Picture. Ya got the aforementioned Bradley Cooper and Chris Tucker in Silver Linings Playbook, the aforementioned gay director no one has ever heard of for Beasts of the Southern Wild, Life of Pi’s Ang Lee strong gay past – he should get another nod just for getting Jake Glyndhall to play a bottom on film like he does in real life – and recently out actor Victor Garber (Bradley Cooper’s old boyfriend) and not yet out gay director Ben Affleck for Argo. Then there are both Jamie Foxx and Leonardo Dicaprio for a one-two gay punch in Django Unchained, and DD-L’s gay-for-pay career starter representing the pink team for Lincoln. The uber gay Les Misérables is up for the award too with the should-be-gay Hugh Jackman belting out show tunes. BTW, who knew Jodi Foster could sing? Or was that Justin Bieber? Better yet, why didn’t Russell Crowe (who played gay in The Sum Of Us) know that he couldn’t sing? The only hold out is Amour, a depressing French film made by a Nazi (as opposed to Les Misérables, a depressing film set in France made by a Brit who shot part of his last Oscar winning film on a gay porn set and thanked his “triangle of man love” during his acceptance speech).
.
Les Misérables won at the Golden Globes, but then the Hollywood Foreign Press Association has always had a wicked sense of humor (They also gave Ben Affleck a nod for Best Director, but that was just to put Matt Damon in his place). The Oscar for Best Picture will go to Argo, partially to make up for snubbing Ben in the Best Director category, more so because despite how hot Hugh Jackman is it’s difficult to beat the combined hotness of Ben Affleck, George Clooney, and Chris Messina.

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Movies & Television

Big Dickless Ritchie shows off his best feature on True Blood.

Joe Manganiello had a naked scene on True Blood last Sunday night. What, you thought I would set aside the hotness known as Joe for something as common as the Olympics? Come on: Priorities People! So Joe’s character in Magic Mike was nicknamed Big Dick Ritchie, and it turns out that was an insider’s joke. At least it was if you are cruel enough to laugh about small penises.

So I’m kicked back and watching the show, bored that I have to follow the plot instead of drooling over hotties; wondering why that Tara is now a fang hag she is still wearing that ‘tread all over me’ sign on her forehead; considering how badly the creative minds must be stalled that Lafayette has been forced to deep-throat yet another pissed off dead spirit; and trying to decide if Jason’s less blonde and more mature look is a good thing or not, when BANG: Joe’ naked ass comes on screen. Dining on some fish. And then, quicker than you can say Allan Ball deserves a stake driven through his heart for killing off Christopher Meloni before showing us his gorgeous cock, HOLY SHIT: Joe does frontal. And growling, wild-eyed, werewolf, I want me some orgasm, animal sex to boot.

So far the season has been long on bitches and short on dick. Even short ones. That the first shot of male ass they showed belonged to Sheriff Andy did not bode well for the season. Sure they’ve shown Jason’s adorable naked ass a few times – and thank the gods they did not allow him to grow hair there too – but Ball has not been seeing to his gay fan’s interests (having Reverend Steve come back as a swishy gay vampire does not count, In fact, that counts against him). He had the perfect opportunity with Meloni, who has always been willing to flash his dick for HBO quicker than John Travolta can yell, “Me next!” at a male masseur convention, but used that screen time instead to show us Hoyt modelling the makeup stylings of the US women’s gymnastics team. Okay, so the show is supposed to fall into the horror genre, but full-on nightmare producing visuals should still be avoided. Think of the children!

I just became a believer in werewolf sex.

Now I’m not one to complain about heterosexual sex scenes, oh wait: I do bitch about heterosexual sex scenes. But leaving them to dine at Chick Fil A aside, finally getting Joe’s ass some screen time and then making it share its season’s debut with some unknown fish is just plain wrong. Stephen Moyer recently said he’d love to do a sex scene with Alexander Skarsgård (and who wouldn’t) and that he loved his man on man experience with Sam last season. Granted, that probably has more to do with his having to bed Anna Paquin when she’s not busy munching her girlfriend than it does with how badly he want’s a bit of Norwegian wood, but Ball should take note ‘cuz Joe has proven he likes to be one of the boys. And would undoubtedly be up for doing one of the boys too. (And Ball: if you make my dream come true but pair him up with Reverend Steve I will hunt you down!)

The good Priest Lollipop’s reemergence as a vamping vamp was almost tolerable when he put the moves on Jason – I’m still debating on his current facial hair thingy so offering him up to a man I do not want to see naked is temporarily acceptable – which, according to Steveo is not the last we’ve seen of that little bit of homoerotic fluffery. That is not on my list of Must See TV, but is a far better idea than forcing any more Sam on Sam action down viewer’s throats. A bit of male masturbation could do wonders for the shows ratings, watching Scruffy tongue himself is no one’s idea of a good time. Watching Joe’s ass – even if it is temporarily mistaken in the gender it is supposed to be attracted to – however, is.

Of course Joe’s penis is of far more interest and I barely slept last Sunday night waiting for someone to post a loving up close and personal shot of that scene. They did. Early Monday morning. Huh. I didn’t know pixels came in that small of a size. The good news is I immediately went back to bed and caught up on my sleep.

As long as it doesn’t grow a goatee, Jason’s ass is still one of True Blood’s highlights.

True Blood has had no problem in the past with showing cock. Now, when it counted, they went with sock instead. Either that or Joe’s bush is greater than his sum and I’m just not ready to concede that bit of reality. On the plus side, his backside got major air time so while we wait for a full monty that is full, enjoy:

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Out This Week: The Keeping Them Honest Edition

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Coming Out, Movies & Television

Anderson Cooper, who it was always assumed was out on a date in this photo, admitted this weekend that he was instead actually on a journalism assignment.

Over the weekend, talk show host Anderson Cooper quietly came out of his closet as a journalist. In a letter to The Daily Beast blogger Andrew Sullivan, Cooper made the unexpected announcement, stating his underlying pride in his up until now well-hidden career choice was the reason he decided to out himself as a reporter:

“Recently, I’ve begun to consider whether the unintended outcomes of maintaining my privacy outweigh personal and professional principle. It’s become clear to me that by remaining silent on certain aspects of my personal life for so long, I have given some the mistaken impression that I am trying to hide something – something that makes me uncomfortable, ashamed or even afraid. This is distressing because it is simply not true.”

Previously Cooper, who was ranked in the #2 spot of the ‘Most Powerful Gay Men and Women in America’ by Out Magazine, has made vague references to being a reporter and has even gone as far as to claim being a self-described news junkie, having been one “since I was in the womb,” but this weekend’s announcement is the first time the entertainer has publicly admitted to his journalistic leanings.

As a young gay man attracted to the world of entertainment, Cooper appeared on the television show ‘To Tell The Truth’, which he later bastardized for the title of a segment on his nightly talk-show.

Sullivan, a gay British citizen living in the U.S. who has journalistic aspirations himself, asked Cooper to comment on a recent article in Entertainment Weekly about an emerging trend: gay people in public life who come out in a much more restrained and matter-of-fact way than in the past. In his written email reply Cooper acknowledged his own homosexuality so that he could branch off into making the surprising announcement that he is in fact a journalist, has always been one, and always will be one.

The son of socialite and 1%-er Gloria Vanderbilt , Cooper, who lives with his long-time boyfriend, gay club owner Ben Maisani, in a converted firehouse in New York’s gay ghetto Greenwich Village, began his closeted journalistic career at the age of ‘still-a-blubbering-ball-of-fat’ with an appearance on the cover of Harper’s Bazaar, followed several years later with a guest shot on The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson, his first appearance on a medium he would use later in life to hint at his deeply hidden secret of being a reporter. Six years later he surfaced again as a guest on To Tell The Truth at the age of 9, followed by several years of working for the Ford Modeling Agency and appearing in advertisements for Ralph Lauren, Calvin Klein, and Macy’s department store, a career path many young gay men take.

As this story is still unfolding, it is not yet known if Cooper had previously admitted his secret life as a journalist to his longtime boyfriend, Ben Maisani, seen here with Cooper during happier times.

Years later, after graduating from Yale, Cooper dabbled with journalism as many college age young men do while trying to find themselves. Donning reporter drag, Cooper secured a fake press pass, bought a video camera and headed to Burma on his own to cover a student uprising against the ruling military dictatorship. He was ultimately able to sell his home-made news segments to Channel One, which produces a youth-oriented news program that is broadcast to many junior high and high schools in the United States.

Fortunately his brief foray into the underbelly world of reporting passed almost unnoticed, written off as an impetuous act of youth. Still, Cooper’s true colors were plainly evident and he suffered through several years working as a known reported for ABC News before he was able to escape back into his closet thanks to his two-year stint on the reality show The Mole, which worked well in his attempt to quell the rumors that he was a practicing journalist.

While experimenting as many young men do, Cooper used this fake press pass to dabble in the seedy world of journalism.

But as many closeted journalists have found, keeping your secret while in the media’s eye can be a difficult chore. Cooper has steadfastly tried to his natural inclinations while skirting the edges of the journalistic world. While the news is what spoke to his soul, Cooper hid that part of himself from the public, instead making a name for himself with an appearance of Celebrity Jeopardy and as guest host on Live with Regis and Kelly.

Even today when most Americans assume rumors of Cooper being a journalist are true, he has hidden his true calling behind the mantle of celebritydom, appearing in the Broadway revival of How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying and tempering his obviously journalistic appearance as an anchor on CNN with his completely irrelevant daytime talk-show.

Fag hag Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi and Cooper’s BFF, shown with Cooper above, appeared regularly on his daytime talk-show to quell rumors that he was a practicing journalist.

As Cooper’s career as a celebrity, talk-show host, reality television star, and talking head skyrocketed, he frequently came under criticism for hiding his private passion for the news. “You know, I understand why people might be interested. But I just don’t talk about my personal life. It’s a decision I made a long time ago, before I ever even knew anyone would be interested in my personal life,” he said while telling amusing stories such as the time his mother asked him to proofread her tell-all memoir in which at the age of 85 she described the guy she was dating as the “Nijinsky of cunnilingus.”

Rumors of Cooper playing for the news team have circulated for years and many assumed when his daytime talk show premiered in September of 2011 he would use it as a vehicle to announce that he was in fact a reporter as many suspected. But instead Cooper continued to entertain from the closet, muddying the journalism waters by having personalities such as Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi and Cooper’s close fiend, BFF, and own fag hag Kathy Griffin appear on his show. Even today, a mere twenty-four hours after admitting he was a journalist Cooper still turned to the safety of entertainment with a segment on Tips for Finding Storage Auctions instead of covering a real news story.

During his career with CNN, Cooper has toyed with the world of journalism, interviewing some of the world’s most powerful leaders.

In his coming out declaration Cooper shared with The Daily Beast the reasoning behind his bold move. “I’ve been reminded recently that while as a society we are moving toward greater inclusion and equality for all people, the tide of history only advances when people make themselves fully visible’” he wrote. “I believe there is value in making clear where I stand.”

As for the years he has spent in the closet hiding his true identity as a journalist he said, “I have always been very open and honest about this part of my life with my friends, my family, and my colleagues. In a perfect world, I don’t think it’s anyone else’s business, but I do think there is value in standing up and being counted. I’m not an activist, but I am a human being and I don’t give that up by being a journalist.”

Cooper has often denied his journalistic leanings, citing pictures such as the one above while asking, “Would any self-respecting journalist appear on TV like this?”

Reaction from the news community on Cooper’s brave move have been nil as we’ve recently come to realize their are no true journalists left in the world.

That’s the way it is.

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Movies & Television

Magic Mike Cashes In On Hunky Hollywood Male Nudity

If there is one thing I’ve learned in life it is that nothing drives traffic to a blog like Channing Tatum’s penis. Channing’s penis recently married his long-time girlfriend, which should put an end to all those mean, vile ‘he’s gay’ rumors that nasty bloggers have been spreading, all of whom should be seriously ashamed of themselves. Oh, wait. That’s me . . .

The G-strings are cool but ya gotta love the knee pads!

In case you haven’t heard – and let me be the first to welcome you from under that rock – Chan’s penis has a new movie opening this Friday night. Yes, I know: it seems Chan’s penis has a new movie opening every Friday night, but this is his long awaited stripper biopic, Magic Mike, featuring some of Hollywood’s tastiest pieces of man flesh. And Matthew McConaughey is in it too.

Oh, big surprise: Tatum likes the taste of beer.

The movie is loosely based on Chan’s penis’ early days as a male stripper in some Florida dive bar. Two of Chan’s ex-fellow bar boys recently sued, claiming Chan and his penis ripped off their life stories. As though getting naked for a room full of trailer trash bitches in heat constitutes a life. Or a story. Showing that he has a future in politics, Chan denied. What he should have done was tuck a hundred dollar bill in their respective g-strings and have been done with it. Though that probably would have led to a night of male-bonding of the most intimate kind. Oh, wait. That’s right, he’s straight and married now.

Boomer! We got a job for you!

For a $5 tip Chan serviced the horny of Florida as a bar boy when he was 19.

The movie version of the boys have all been out stumping the PR trail trying to work up interest in their little film, which really is a waste of everyone’s time ‘cuz all you have to do is say: Joe Manganiello as Big Dick Ritchie and you are guaranteed blockbuster box-office draw. Especially since the producers of True Blood have kept Joe’s ass undercover so far this season forcing drooling fans to pay to see it on the big screen instead. I’m not sure why the movie’s producers thought it would be a good idea to have Jonah Hill appearing shirtless on the talk show circuit to hype their movie, but . . . what? Oh, my bad. That’s Matthew McConaughey who has been doing the shirtless hype thingy. Well, it could be worse, at least Russell Brand isn’t in the movie.

Breeder Sex Appeal

Anyway, since internet searches for Chan, Chan’s gayness, and his penis in over 508 different languages have funneled the masses to my little blog, I thought I should do my part to hype his latest’s movie’s opening and could think of no more better way of doing so than to post a few shots of Chan and his penis in their younger days. (Yes, pix of Joe Manganiello and his penis would be an even bigger bump but so far Joe has been reticent about showing off little Joe so these will have to suffice.) Yes there are actual photos of Chan stripping his clothes off at the tender age of 19 during his first career as a bar boy, though considering his acting skills he is still making his livelihood by taking cash for taking his clothes off in his second career as a film star as well. Ah the circle of life.

Channing Tatum’s ass is coming soon to a theatre near you.

For the record Channing’s penis does not make a guest appearance in the movie, nor do any of his co-star playmates, not even the gay penis. Which shows you the movie is not very true to life. But there is butt. Of several different sizes, races, and persuasions. And if that doesn’t beat the latest Tyler Perry in drag movie, Madea’s Witness Protection Program, at the box office, then there’s something not right with the world.

(By the way, though it will not be opening until next month, can someone tell me why Hannibal Lecter is staring in the new Batman Movie, The Dark Knight Rises?)

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True Blood Season 5: The Bitch Is Back

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Movies & Television

Look who’s back!

The return of HBO’s male eye candylicious series True Blood is just two weeks away so it’s time for my annual pre-season salute to TV’s home to its hottest hunks. Season 5 looks to be shaping up to be a season of returns, some of which are good, some of which are eh, and some of which I could really live without. But then as long as Joe Manganiello’s gorgeous naked ass makes its return to the small screen too, I’ll put up with the rest.

Surprisingly – because I prefer my men to be tall, dark, and hot rather than tall, blonde, and Nordic – the return I’m looking forward to the most is Eric as the smoldering stud with major attitude that he previously was. I’ve been watching reruns from Season 4 and had not realized how much skin Eric has been showing off. That’s largely in part because of the large parts of flesh Joe was flashing, but also because last season they had Eric doing the little lost boy with puppy dog eyes thingy and his sex appeal fell faster than Oprah going down on the last slice of chocolate cake. I can only hope that along with the smouldering Eric they bring back his naked ass ‘cuz even if he is a blonde he’s beginning to grow on me. Or maybe that’s parts of me are beginning to grow when his hot buff body gets its rightful screen time.

Alexander Skarsgard’s ass makes frequent guest star appearances on True Blood.

The return that is getting a lot of the press however is that of Tara. The fan-sites (i.e., bloggers who have no life and take this shit seriously) are all a buzz about whether she lives or stays dead forgetting that half the cast of characters are dead. Hello? Most have come to terms with her return, – though let’s be honest, Ball could have shaved Lafayette’s eyebrows off and we’d never know the difference – assume she was turned (into a vampire which I guess I have to clarify since they turned her into a lesbian last season), and are now in deep debate about which vampire did the nasty. Granted, I don’t want to think about fish on fish action either, but Pam is the one who got her finger stuck in the dyke. Um, someone remind me I need to remember to post a Spoiler Alert at the start of this article.

Tara was a very minor character in the books, inserted primarily because the series is written by a fat white woman from the South who needed to demonstrate she wasn’t the little racist her parents raised her to be. So she wrote the Tara character, an acquaintance of Sookie’s, who runs a small shop in Bon Temps where she can serve the town’s white people main characters. As misguided, Alan Ball – the producer of the show – thought that since the series is set in the South, Sookie needed a black sidekick to properly represent that area of the country when a toothless piece of white trash with conservative values would have been a more realistic way to go. Besides the black sidekick thingy is old hat and as a plotline is as worn out as a cucumber in a convent.

Sam Trammell gets naked a lot too but you hardly notice with Joe Manganiello running around in the buff.

So now the sleepy little southern burg has one more vampire in it just when it was looking good for having one less fish. I just hope that whatever form Tara comes back in it includes eyebrows this time ‘cuz the scariest thing in the series so far has been her eyebrowless face trying to show surprise or horror which instead leaves her looking as confused as a blind lesbian in a fish market.

But with Pam’s involvement in rising a bit player from the dead to the undead, the plot allows fleshing out Pam’s character a bit too. Which has a nice karma ring to it since last season bits of her flesh were going AWOL for most of the season. Ball has been lauded by the gay community for not only being inclusive, but for providing a metaphor for being gay with his community of fangers. That’s cool, but as usual those of us who frequent the wilds of Bangkok for our pound of flesh, find ourselves still under-represented. Until now.

It turns out Pam’s backstory is that when Eric turned Pam she was working as a mamasan in a San Francisco brothel (not bath house because that would just have been too gay). It’s about time they brought prostitution into the storyline ‘cuz ya know if fangers really did come out of the coffin they’d be turning tricks more than they’d be turning bit player black fish into vampires.

Christopher Meloni offers Bon Temps’ fangers something other than blood to suck in Season 5.

We’re never gonna see a television series focus on the love between a farang and a Thai bar boy, even on HBO, so enjoy ‘cuz this one is as close as you’re ever gonna get. But the similarities are there. The older, rich farang from a foreign country hits town, goes out for a night of entertainment, and ends up in a love affair that lasts eons with one of the city’s sex workers. The plus here is that since it is not one of Ann Rice’s maudlin vampires, the fangers are characters that are alive and vibrant and free of angst. They don’t do angst, they do sex. Which even with vampires is far more realistic ‘cuz if you are getting plenty – even if you are paying for it – you don’t run around moping all the time. Unless you are a cheap bastard living in Pattaya.

Anyway, our farang cum vampire Eric stays in his new country, opens a bar catering to a fringe element, while the new love of his life caters to his every need while he ensures she has all of the materialistic things she craves. And if that’s not love I don’t know what is. Though those of you who have been reading this blog for some time now probably already think when it comes to love I’m a bit screwed up anyway. Well, fuck you, and sorry but those of us in a man on man relationship don’t exactly have centuries of history to follow as an example so we make this shit up as we go along. Speaking of which . . .

Stephen Moyer’s ass gets screen time too.

One of the hottest straight homos of all time from the world of television makes his return this season too. Keller from Oz joins the cast of hunks on True Blood as an ancient vampire who IS the Vampire Authority. And even though he is getting a bit long in the fang, Keller still brings out the daddy complex in me. His willingness to drop trou for HBO in the past means we might finally see a bit of vampire dick in the new season, though if I remember correctly from Oz ‘a little bit’ is an understatement. And since Eric is so into male rivalry and Alexander from all reports is quite comfortable with swinging in the wind maybe we’ll get to see a bit of Norse godhood too.

Now I know some of you are going, “Oh, you mean the guy from Law And Order: Why Women Are Just Asking To Be Raped Unit,” but you’re just gonna have to live with the fact that True Blood is a gay show and when they cast a character involved in any form with rape it’s gonna be the guy-on-guy type which, unless Ball really screws the pooch, opens the way for Beecher to make a guest appearance so that we can watch those two hotties trade blow jobs one more time.

No, Mehcad isn’t coming back but has too good of a back to not post this photo.

HBO already brought the Governor from Oz onto True Blood’s set (and thank the gods they kept him clothed) and I think one of the prison’s white supremacist dickheads made a cameo too, but then it’s hard to tell a Nazi from a werewolf. Unless the werewolf is Italian. And then you can only hope for a bit of guy-on-guy rape again. It’d be great if they gave Schillinger a bit of screen time too, because his new career as an insurance agent just isn’t cutting it, but that’s probably too much to ask. Ball could certainly do worse in casting Season 5’s villain. Um, which he did.

True Blood has done great with casting hunky main male characters who show off as much skin as possible. With its protagonist each season, not so much. That Mother Earth whatever the hell she was suppose to be from a few seasons ago just never quite hit, but then the show was still new enough and they’d still been holding out on a lot of the promised male nakedness so it didn’t really matter because your eyes were peeled for the aforementioned male flesh and not whatever silly antics that bitch was up to. And if you did start to pay her undeserved attention, Mehcad took his shirt off and all was right with the world again.

Since I already mentioned Joe Manganiello’s butt . . .

I had high hopes last season when it was announced the witches were coming to town that a devilish villain would finally make it to Bon Temps, but instead they gave us Marnie, who if she was really all that powerful of a witch would certainly have done a bit of hocus pocus plastic surgery and turned herself into something that didn’t look like something that cat would have refused to drag in. Like Pamela Anderson maybe. Because then that would have been only one degree of separation from seeing Jason Momoa’s gorgeous ass on the screen again. And that sucker has grown into a thing of beauty; it’s so massive it’s like opening the backdoor and fucking the night.

Sigh.

Recognizing their failure to come up with a good bad guy they’re giving up for Season 5 and bringing Russell Edgington back for another run. I’m all for finding suitable roles for out of work gay actors, but ya know? I hear Jeff Stryker is looking for work. And if you can raise Russell from a concrete grave, you can pull Talbot out of the garbage disposal too, because the hot-stud-to-I-wouldn’t-touch-him-with-your-dick ratio really must be retained. Besides, Talbot was an excuse for some anal sex last time around and any excuse for anal sex is fine by me.

And let us not forget Ryan Kwanten’s cute little bubble butt.

So Russell is the bad guy for Season 5, but Keller is the bad guy too except he’s a good bad guy, and Bill and Eric are both a bad guy or good guy depending on which of them you want to end up with Sookie, which depending on where you stand could be a good thing or a bad thing, though most of us are hoping the two end up doing the bad thing with each other which would be a good thing for everybody involved. Except for the fish. The relationships are all entwined this season, as we can hope their limbs will be, and all the main characters (which would be the men) have got their fingers in more pies than a leper in a cooking class.

Rev. Steve Newlin returns from Season 3 too, this time as a vampire. His character was over and done with but then Rick Santorum came along and breathed new life into the holy roller with the morals of a leech character and now we’ll have to put up with his shit for an entire season. Coulda been worse though, Ricky might have done better in the polls and then we’d be putting up with his shit until Obama got around to driving a stake through his godless heart. And seriously, if Ball is looking for a villain for Season 6, Newt’s looking for work these days.

Manganiello shows it all off in Magic Mike, so let’s hope he attends to his nudity duties in Season 5 too.

Heterosexuality returns to Season 5 too, which is a shame but I guess it helps pay the bills. Sam stays hooked up with Luna, so male shifter nudity can be expected, and Alcide hooks up with Sookie, so male werewolf nudity can be expected; Jason hooks up with someone’s mom, so hot little Aussie nudity can be expected, and Jessica gets into a three-some or four-some with a group of college boys, so frat boy nudity can be expected too. Don’t ya just hate heterosexuality being portrayed on TV?

But the best part of the new season is that it gives me a reason for posting this article, which in return gives me an excuse to update it frequently with screen caps of some of the finest male ass HBO had ever seen fit to display. So stay tuned . . . Joe’s been keeping mum about his nudity this season but since he’s scheduled to take it all off in Magic Mike, there’s a serious void that needs to be filled. And seriously, Joe can fill my void any time he wants to.

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Four Kings and A Queen: The Game of Thrones

Four Kings and A Queen: The Game of Thrones

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Movies & Television, That's Gay

Unusual for me, I spent last Thanksgiving with my biological family instead of the one I’ve made. Good food, but an uneventful day. It’s sad when you can not rely on your dysfunctional family for entertainment. But one of my brothers whom I don’t see often passed along a copy of The Game of Thrones to me, suggesting it as a good read. I’m not a big fan of the fantasy genre. Usually, when dragons appear unicorns soon follow. You lose me at that point so it’s just better to never crack the cover

Several weeks later I decided I should at least give it a try. HBO’s version of the tale has been scheduled for a second season and I’d seen a few episodes of the first season. More importantly, I was bored. The introductory book to the proposed seven book series of A Song of Fire and Ice, The Game of Thrones hooked me with its first chapter. I’ve quickly polished off the five published novels of the series, and even took the time to read an excerpt of the sixth yet to be published book.

Some of you who are fans of the show may be getting a bit nervous right about now, knowing that any opportunity I have for posting a spoiler I jump on. But this time you’re safe. I think. I didn’t watch the entire first season, have no idea where they left off, and thusly can not ruin whatever cliff-hanger they went with to lead into the next season. Plus I’m feeling benevolent because I got to use the word ‘thusly.’ Oh, but there is a good reason they cast such an ugly young man to play the part of Theon Greyjoy. And neither you nor he should get too attached to his bulge. As impressive as it is. For now.

Ooops!

Queen Renely, HBO’s nod to its gay fanbase.

Generally, I like HBO’s series. And The Game of Thrones was beautifully filmed. The setting and attention to detail easily draws you into the world they’ve created. Until a few hundred main characters all show up at once. It’s not just that there are so many of them, or that there are so many entangled relationships to try and sort out, but that being unfamiliar with their worlds – which there are seven of – means you are asked to devote far too much time to trying to figure out who these people are and why they are all acting so strangely. I liked the look of the show, but I watch television to be entertained not to be forced to think. Part of the joy of being a couch potato is being able to put your brain on cruise control.

This seems to be a new trend with HBO. The old paradigm was the show’s premiere set up the plot and methodically introduced the characters, the storyline was left for future episodes. Now you have to watch an entire first season just to figure out what is going on. I just finished watching Luck, and unlike with The Game of Thrones, stuck with it. Luck was entertaining but it wasn’t until the last two episodes before anything started to gel. But ya know, Dustin Hoffman staring in a television series . . . you gotta hang in there for the payoff. Okay, and because I used to have a big crush on Jason Gedrick and was hoping to see some skin too.

Luck though has none, or more correctly has only the bad kind. They’d started filming the second season when they accidently killed a horse during filming. Since it was the third one, PETA got in a huff and now HBO has dropped the series. Since it is only dire wolves that get killed in The Game of Thrones, that show was allowed to continue.

Oh damn, Did I do it again?

Jason Momoa’s ass has grown into a massive thing of beauty.

You’d think that any show that features Jason Momoa’s gorgeous ass in all its glory would be one I’d be glued to. And I was lucky enough to catch that episode. But since the whole thing was just too confusing, not to mention that all of the leads are in serious need of a good shampooing, I gave up. Now that I’ve read the books, the characters all make sense. And I’m impressed with how well HBO has done in bringing that world to life.

They also did well with casting. Often the problem with reading a book after seeing the characters on screen is you are then stuck with those actors playing the roles in your head as you read. That can be dangerous. It’s like with Tom Clancy’s novels. Harrison Ford as Jack Ryan is a natural and his craggy features work well with the part when you are reading any one of the numerous books he appears in. Hollywood also tried Alec Baldwin and Ben Affleck in that role, neither fit, both suck. And the latest word is that in the reboot Chris Pine will tackle the role which is like casting Pee Wee Herman to play the Terminator. But I’ll suspend judgement on that one on the off chance there will be lots of male nudity involved. Uh, Chris Pine’s, not Herman’s pee wee. In any case, HBO hit the bull’s eye and even cast a real dwarf in their series. I mean in The Game of Thrones. Not Dustin Hoffman.

The other episode I managed to catch had a brief but titillating gay scene with a Castro clone and an obvious bottom indulging in a bit of manscaping and a suggested blow job. Gay sex is always a good move, but then since the Castro clone looked like a bottom too, that was just as confusing as the rest of the series. I appreciate that HBO takes good care of its gay audience, but now that I’m a fan of the books I just have to ask, “Who let the gays out?”

The Knight of Flowers pays hommage to the Queen of Westeros.

The queen in this case, Renly Baratheon, does not come across as gay in the books. Or at best, obliquely so. And though the other bottom is known as the Knight of Flowers, there is nothing really gay about him either. At best you could claim they are both bisexual. But then what straight man isn’t? Not that I’m complaining that HBO decided to drape their characters in pink. Though if HBO really felt the need to get their gay on they could have at least gone with Momoa’s character and had long naked love scenes in every episode. But then he does wear a lot of mascara, so . . .

True gay fans of the books – the kind of people who save up to attend sci-fi conventions and can repeat the dialogue from any and all Star Trek movies of television series word for word – argue both characters were gay in the books. And then go on to repeat lines from several other characters as proof. Word for word. Now even author George R.R. Martin says both Queen Renely and the flower girl were gay in his books. Though imperceptibly so. “I like to handle things subtly. I couldn’t ever actually say, ‘such-and-such is gay,’ because, as I’m sure you know, the word wasn’t invented until the ‘60s. And I’m talking medieval times, and I’m not going to say, ‘so-and-so is gay.’ But I thought it was pretty clear in context,” he says.

Huh. I’m pretty good at sniffing out gayness, even when it is subtle. And you don’t have to use the word gay. A throw away line about hard penises pressed up against each other would do it. Besides George, you threw in dragons. If your defense is realism, gays have got to come in before the dragons do.

Not that Martin fails completely in interjecting a bit of gayness in his stories. The Red Viper of Dorne gets outed as a bisexual character (and since you won’t remember the character anyway that spoiler doesn’t count) and Brienne, the Blue Knight, smells suspiciously like a lesbian. There’s more fish on fish involving Daenerys, but then that’s forgivable because after you’ve had Jason Momoa riding your ass what other man could ever compare?

Theon Greyjoy’s penis is not long for this world. Though it does look to be quite long.

Being on HBO, you know there’s gonna be lots of nudity and The Game of Thrones does not disappoint. Nor does it satisfy much either. The penis/mammary ratio is a bit off, and the penis that is shown is anonymous. Sure gay guys appreciate having a gay character or two in any television series; we like to be represented too. But when push comes to shove, we’ll always choose cock over character. And it’s always better if that cock has a name. Other than Theon Greyjoy’s because we’ve already established it is not long for the world. No matter how long it appears to be.

Richard Madden, who plays Robb Stark, also appears on British television in the series Sirens, portraying a gay paramedic and has been more than willing to strip down for that role. It’s only fair the American audience gets to see his best feature too. But that will depend on which fans Martin listens too. But we are on record. “I’ve got a few letters from gay fans who, while they were pleased by the naked male sexuality, were upset that the penises were not actually erect,” says Martin.

And you’ll notice none of those fans mentioned dragons, George.

I’m looking forward toward the new season, Winter is Coming, which starts on April 1st. Now that I known who the characters are, I’ll be able to pay more attention to the plot. And keep an eye peeled for penis. Just in case. Not that my hopes are high. Or fully erect. I mean it’s not like we’re talking Spartacus: Vengeance.

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End Of The Week #28

Tags

Movies & Television, Nude Dudes

It’s always nice to be greeted with a smile when you walk into a room.

The big news of the week, or at least the news I’m the least bit interested in, is that William Levy has been signed to be one of the contestants on Dancing With The Stars when it starts up on March 19th. The 31-year-old hottie who was born in Cuba was offered a role in the upcoming male stripper movie, Magic Mike, but turned down baring his best assets. Instead, he’s joining a cast of has-beens in a misguided attempt to advance his career.

I don’t watch the show, I’m not a fan. But it is quite popular and pulls in hordes of the above 90 year old demographic. Dancing With The Stars seems to be big with the conservative right, the folk who live in the fly-over states, and there is some irony in that those who hate gays end up watching and rooting for them twice a week during the season. I think the producers should keep a spot open for Rick Santorum. He’ll be looking for a new job by fall.

William is big in Mexico. Well, he looks to be big all over. But south of the border he stared in Cuidado con el Angel which averaged about 46 million television viewers per episode. Sorry to say I won’t be tuning in to see how he does with his dancing. Unless he dances shirtless during each appearance. I don’t know who else will be in the cast, and don’t really care. Levy should win just on looks alone. I just hope the show’s budget can afford a big enough dance belt for him. Speaking of which, have a look yourself at the hotnesss that will soon be gracing your television screen:

End Of The Week #27

Tags

Movies & Television, Nude Dudes

Tomorrow the Oscars will be handed out in Hollywood. I thought I’d honor the event with a bit of the red carpet myself. Granted, while the red is there, there is no carpet in sight. But who’s to complain? Besides that ass is award worthy in its own right. And of far more interest than the celebrities who will be lining up to walk the red carpet tomorrow on their way into the ceremonies; most of whom will discover that they aren’t quite as good as they thought they were. If more of the actors with their beard du jour would dress like this, we wouldn’t have to listen to Joan Rivers ask from behind the mask she’s paid thousands for, “And who are you wearing?”

That could become a new Hollywood tradition. Finding out who Tom Cruise is wearing on his ass each year is something we all could look forward to. As for the fish, who cares? If you ever thought gay men don’t really hate women, the gowns they create for Hollywood’s hottest should dissuade you of that belief. I don’t find Nicole Kidman the least bit attractive, but do have to admit she is statuesque and might have a nice body. Designers evidently think differently. Or maybe they are just pissed at her for giving Tom an excuse for so many years. Regardless, whatever she’ll be wearing tomorrow will make her look worse than Courtney Love on crack. Or maybe that’s Courtney Love when she’s hasn’t had a hit of crack within the last 15 minutes.

The ladies all try to outdo each other for the Oscars, and most fail miserably at the job. Except Helen Mirren. Amazing that someone in her 80s can pull off looking beautiful and sensual while the starlets in their 20s all end up looking like skanks. I guess you can take the girl off of the casting couch, but can’t take the casting couch out of the girl.

Joan Rivers will handle the red carpet duties at this year’s Oscars once again.

Last year the Academy decided to reinvent itself and attempted a make-over to appear to be young and hip. I think they went to Joan for advice; they were no more successful than her latest face lift. But to give her credit, she is starting to look an awfully like Oscar himself. Both the little gold statute and Walter Matthau. So we got James Franco and some fish as hosts and James was too stoned to do much other than grin throughout the show. But grinning is what James does best. That and trying to make everyone think he’s straight and just acts gay. The Academy’s attempt at the young and hip thingy didn’t work, and it was embarrassing listening to the fish host repeatedly tell everyone how young and hip the ceremony had become. Someone should have clued the writers into the fact that ‘hip’ went out of use in the late 60s.

Billy Crystal is hosting this year. Nice to know he is, presumably, still alive. Even if his career isn’t. And nice to know the Academy has gone back to old and staid. They evidently went back to Billy because of his cutting edge humor. The dude is so hip. I don’t understand how an award show that honors the best and brightest of Hollywood can be so bad, but they do it well. That fat freak who writes the show hasn’t managed to come up with a funny line in all the years he has been doing it, but they keep giving him the job anyway. His jokes are not funny, watching the stars who have to mouth them, and their reaction to the bad material can be though.

The Oscars want to be edgy like the Golden Globes. I’m not sure just how edgy the Golden Globes are considering they bleeped Meryl Streep this year for saying, “Oh, shit I forgot my glasses.” I mean, really? Meryl Streep could fart in the microphone and they should just hand her another award. She is, of course, up for an Oscar again this year. She usually wins, but not always. When she doesn’t, I feel bad for whatever actress wins instead because her achievement is quickly forgotten and those who did remember she won walk around saying, “Yeah, but you know Meryl should have won.”

If he was my brother I’d slip him some tongue too.

Angelina Jolie will win this year fro best performance by an anorexic. Good for Angie. The Academy has treated her badly in the past. She won once for Girl Interrupted, and then since no one did, decided to indulge in a bit of incest with her brother on camera. Since then she only gets to be a bridesmaid. And that’s only because the voters know how badly that pisses off Jennifer Aniston. If the Academy would embrace it’s bitchiness instead of trying to be what it ain’t, the show would be more enjoyable to watch. When Angie is up for something, they shouldn’t throw the camera to her, they should throw it to Jen so we can all laugh.

For years now when someone makes a slightly racist joke, all in good fun of course, the camera zooms in on a black actor or actress who has been cued to laugh so the audience knows it’s okay. I was watching some black comedian on TV recently and he told some white jokes. And sure enough, the camera zoomed in on a few white faces to show that they thought his racism was funny too. Equality between the races may not be here yet, but that Hollywood feels the need to show that white people are not offended over jokes about them shows you how far we’ve come. They’ve even done the same with gay jokes, though it is more difficult for the director to cut to gay guys laughing because he has to remember which are out and which are not officially gay yet. I think they should always cut to Tom, regardless. Unless Taylor Lautner is in the audience.

Even though they have been televising the Academy Awards for 58 years now, every year the show runs long. There is no excuse for that. There is also no excuse for a three and a half hour show, or for making us sit through the presentation of awards for crap we don’t care about. Like cinematography and art direction. The opening numbers always suck; they should have quit with Rob Lowe’s molestation of Snow White ‘cuz they’ll never top that. Elton John doing a duet with that little gay white rapper was interesting a few years ago, but otherwise the songs all suck too, so cut them.

We don’t need to hear jack about the accounting firm who tallies the votes, and we all get the importance of sound editing so quit with the cute little ‘world without sound’ skits too. In fact, no one is interested in anything other than the top acting and best movie awards. Since everything else is filler they could get rid of most of it. Then the winners could give whatever speech they want instead of the music being cued 45 seconds later.

Last year James Franco’s Black Swan skit outfit looked disturbingly reminiscent of Jennifer Lopez walking the red carpet.

Prior to 2010, they let the winners ramble on. They devised the sound cue because they said ‘the single most hated thing on the show’ were overly long and embarrassing displays of emotion. Wrong. The embarrassing moments are what we tune in to see. Jack Palance doing one-arm pushups, Sally Fields demonstration of how utterly uncool she is, Tom Hanks outing his high school acting teacher, James Cameron thinking he was Leo DiCaprio . . . these are what we live to see. And Gwyneth Paltrow teary, snot running down her face speech was not only stomach churning but should have tipped us all off to that she was in fact the only person on the planet smarmy enough to enjoy Cold Play.

Nothing will clear a room quicker than, “Oh, Gwyneth and Chris are dropping by.” Except perhaps for “Oh, Gwyneth and Chris are dropping by to sing tonight.”

I can’t tell you who will be the worst dressed at the Academy Awards this year but can tell you the competition will be fierce. As for the actual statues, I’ll save you from having to watch and tell you who will win now:

Best Actor:
This award should go to George Clooney because he is better looking than Brad Pitt. And all the others up for that award are foreigners. They have a category for non-Americans, they don’t need to waste a little gold guy on someone from beyond our borders.

Best Actress:
Uh, duh: Meryl. But they may give it to Michelle Williams in an sympathetic nod to Whitney by honoring some other dead drugged out celebrity.

The movie scene has been dull this year and can’t compare to the humor, drama, and bloodsport being offered by Republican Presidential candidate hopefuls.

Best Supporting Actress:
No one has ever heard of any of the actresses up for the ‘wasn’t the star’ award, so they’ll give it to one of the two from The Help. Doesn’t matter which, it’s the annual give-me to a black person and no one knows which which of them is. In fact, they could give it to that fat kid who won for Precious and no one would be any wiser.

Best Supporting Actor:
This is the annual ‘never will be a star’ award that has been won by some of Hollywood’s most forgettable actors in the past. It should go to Jonah Hill because he’s the only nominee under 90. But I’ll go with Christopher Plummer ‘cuz its become fashionable to give an Oscar to any actor brave enough to take on a gay role. Unless he is gay. Then it’s not acting.

Best Director:
With Martin Scorsese and Woody Allen both nominated in this category, the rest of the filed can skip the ceremony and watch from the comfort of their homes. I’m not really a Woody fan, but Martin needs to be sent a clear message that his milieu is blood and death and we won’t stand for any more of this animated kiddie flick crap. If De Niro can’t be worked into your movie Martin, just don’t do it.

Best Picture:
I’m torn between Rise of the Planet of the Apes and Transformers: Dark of the Moon. But neither got the Oscar nod because they had to limit nominations to only 10% of the movies made last year. So they came up with nine flicks to choose from, three feel-good movies, three tear-jerkers, one ‘black’ film (‘cuz you have to nominate any film filled with black characters that isn’t a Tyler Perry flick), and two movies no one has ever heard of much less seen. The Artist will win. Because nothing shows the Academy is young and hip like giving the Best Picture award to a movie filmed in black and white.

Out This Week: Matt Bomer

Tags

Coming Out, Movies & Television

Matt Bomer is finally gay.

Formerly not gay television actor and soon to be male stripper Matt Bomer finally opened his closet door last weekend. It only took a small push outward, up until his announcement Bomer’s closet pretty much had an open door policy; his sexuality was a well known and accepted fact in Hollywood. Not in the everyone knows Tom Cruise is gay way, but rather in the everyone knows Kevin Spacey is gay mode. Bomer making it official by publicly recognizing the man he has been involved with for several years and with whom he is raising children, however, is still a big step.

And score another hottie for our team.

Every gay man should be allowed to come out – or not – on his own terms and at his own time. Celebrities, however, are not ‘every’ gay man. When you make the decision to earn your living in the public spotlight, you don’t get to determine where that light will shine. In the past, Matt has been one of those celebrities willing to talk about the most intimate and detailed aspects of his life until the ‘who are you doing’ question hits the table. Then it’s all about how his private life is personal and should be of no interest to anyone. To those whose gaydar has been pinging, that’s the equivalent of announcing you are dating Rene Zweigler.

When everyone already knows you are gay, coming out isn’t all that. Still, Bomer should be commended for doing so both for his timing and the manner in which he did so. Most celebrities out themselves only after their career has taken a nose dive. In many cases their announcement is met with, “Oh, him. I kinda remember who he is.” Far too often the step to publicly announce they play for the pink team is part of an over-all publicity scheme to promote a book they’ve just had published. Bomer has no book joining him on his coming out tour, and his career is far from over. In fact, it may just be getting ready to really take off.

It is that career that the Texas-born actor was concerned over during a 2010 Details magazine interview during which he refused to talk about the rampant speculation about his sexuality. While neither confirming nor denying the rumors, Matt did say the reason he did not want to talk about it was “I have a network and a show riding on my shoulders.”

Matt evidently was troubled that Ramin Setoodeh was right and the general public could never accept a gay man playing a straight role. That’s a bit of a homophobic thought; it really means an ‘openly’ gay man can not find acceptance. ‘Cuz you are in fact gay whether you’ve announced it to the world or not. It’s also ironic that a straight actor taking on a gay role usually garners an Oscar nod, but the reverse is unthinkable and would lead to the demise of the actor’s career. But it’s Matt’s career, it’s his choice, and it was his bogeyman to defeat.

As the male lead of the television series White Collar, Bomer plays a con artist turned FBI crime consultant. His script writers probably could have helped him pull his ‘I’m not gay’ con off a bit more successfully in real life. Nonetheless, his coming out while being the leading man on a popular TV series is a first. Well, yeah Ellen actually called dibbs on that honor, but then she was playing the leading man on a comedy series, not an drama/action show. Then again on the ‘how big you are in Hollywood scale’, being the leading man on a TV show airing on the USA channel is just a step above being a waiter. So maybe it’s better to give Matt brownie points for braving the possible screw up of his movie career.

The hunky 34-year-old is currently involved in two films which might finally get Hollywood’s attention. He’s part of Ryan Murphy’s upcoming movie, The Normal Heart, the film version of Larry Kramer’s tale of a gay journalist who contracts HIV. Huh. Okay then, he’s one of the leads in the soon to be released Magic Mike in which he plays a male stripper. Huh again. No, wait, those could all be straight male strippers, right Matt?

“I think there will be several scenes that will… I think the gay fans will be very, very happy with several of the scenes that occur in the film’ Bomer reported when asked about gay themes in the movie. “But, yeah, there is one scene in particular where definitely those boundaries are blurred. Yeah.”

Okay but those are movies already in development; possibly it was future movie roles that audience’s would have trouble excepting an openly gay man playing a straight man in. “I would love to do a Montgomery Clift biopic,” says Bomer.

Okay then, we instead should look at his stage career. The stage is after all where serious actors practice their craft. That surely is where the damage to his career would be inflicted. Next month Matt will appear in a star-studded stage reading of Dustin Lance Black’s “8” in a Hollywood theater. Bomer will appear with fellow thespians George Takei and Chris Colfer in the stage production about Proposition 8, California’s voter-approved ban on same-sex marriage.

Uh, never mind.

Okay, fine. Bomer’s true milieu is the small screen anyway, so his concerns were no doubt about the effect his coming out would have on future television roles, possibly on a show that is popular and has an audience? Matt recently signed on to play Darren Cross’s older brother on upcoming episodes of Glee.

Damn! Ah! The record! Bomer’s concern was over his career and protecting the integrity of the roles he has played in the past! Matt says, “My big break was Guiding Light, nine years ago. I played a trust-fund baby who became a male prostitute”

Ummmmmmmm, then maybe he does have a book coming out? Nope, but Matt did appear on the cover of Alex Sanchez’ landmark 2001 gay teen novel Rainbow Boys.

Bomer’s announcement was handled mater of factly in a one-two punch that casually mentioned his longtime partner and their kids. Last week in GQ Italia, the mention was routine, almost an afterthought and would probably have gone unnoticed if not for Bomer’s inclusion of his husband and kids in his acceptance speech of the New Generation Arts and Activism Award at the Steve Chase Humanitarian Awards ceremony in Palm Springs where he was honored for his work with HIV/AIDS.

“I’d really especially like to thank my beautiful family: Simon, Kit, Walker, Henry,” he said referring to his publicist partner Simon Halls and their three children. “Thank you for teaching me what unconditional love is. You will always be my proudest accomplishment.”

So maybe it’s not that Bomer has come out that should earn him accolades, or that he braved the possible negative effects doing so might have on his career. That he recognized what is truly important in life, the love of his partner and the example he sets for his children, and being true to himself rather than being concerned about what others think, is a far greater achievement. And for that, he deserves a big thumbs up.

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