Sex Break: A Different Type Of Meat Beating

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Attractions, Bangkok, Muay Thai

Taking a break from sex doesn’t preclude enjoyng some hot male flesh.

I realize that for a lot of gay touri the allure of The Big Mango is sex. For many it’s its sole reason for existence. But as enticing as a regime of eat, drink, have sex, repeat as necessary may be, sooner or later your batteries need to recharge. At some point during your holiday you need to take a break from sex. Even if doing so is with your latest conquest. Sure there’s always shopping, but with all that Bangkok has to offer, there are a lot of other things to do and places to see.

For the newbie, I’ve been outlining what I consider to be the best in my Top Ten Bangkok Experiences series of posts. It’s possible that some of those suggestions may even be new for repeat visitors. But there’s more. And so much more I can’t include everything in that series; running yourself ragged is not the best use of holiday time. Besides if you wear yourself out trying to see and do everything you possibly can, you won’t have enough energy left to enjoy what draws many gay touri to Thailand in the first place: sex. Sounds like a vicious circle, huh?

So I’m starting a new category, a series of posts about less well known daytime activities available to visitors to Bangkok, called Sex Breaks. They are quick trips you can easily fit in between the time you spend between the sheets. I can’t promise they will be as memorable as that hottie you offed last night, but hope these will at least serve as a comma in your regime of sex, sex, sex.

Cotton cord wrapped fists are the hallmark of Muay Boran.

First up, because me being me even a sex break still allows room for some hot male flesh, is Baan Chang Thai. In one of my yet to be posted Top Ten Bangkok Experiences articles I will suggest going to see a muay thai fight. Everyone I’ve ever taken to see some muay thai action at Lumpini has greatly enjoyed the spectacle. And it’s one of those things you can do again and again and still enjoy. But even with its opening cultural rituals, what you see at the stadiums today is modern muay thai. Old school is different and not something you run across much these days. At Baan Chang Thai you can see how real men practice the sport known as the art of eight limbs. But if the sight of near naked men beating each other bloody makes you squeamish, you can learn about the art of puppet making, or take classes in traditional Thai painting there too.

Baan Chang Thai (House of Thai Artisans) opened nine years ago with an official visit by HRH Princess Sirindhorn. Founded by Kru Lek, its approach, unlike a museum where ancient objects are preserved and displayed is to preserve the essence of the traditional knowledge in Thai arts through a seamless blending of expressive art and mindful boxing. Aside from producing fine art works, Baan Chang Thai provides classes to pass on knowledge and skills to a new generation, classes that include Muay Thai Chaiya, one of the last surviving forms of traditional muay thai. And the school is highly regarded for its excellence and devotion to keeping these aspects of traditional Thai culture alive.

Painting, kickboxing and puppets may not seem to go together, but Kru Lek does not believe that art and boxing are necessarily two different things. He says that they are two sides of the same coin. “To be successful, both require similar faculties: focus, patience, mindfulness, and the willingness to dig so deeply into oneself that “oneself” is forgotten in the process,” he says. Muay Chaiya, which emphasizes control, concentration and patience, and aims to take advantage of an opponent’s energy by tactfully redirecting it at the right instant, is considered not just a fighting technique but also a sort of performing art, and Kru Lek occasionally partakes in performances that showcase Muay Chaiya more as a dance than a fight. But his hands are as adept at holding a paint brush, or making intricate puppets and miniature Khon masks as they are a forming a fist.

In addition to classes in painting and puppet making, traditional Thai art work is available for purchase at Baan Chang Thai.

A native of Thonburi, Kru Lek comes from a family with a long tradition of artists, craftsmen, painters and sculptors. The skills he learned as a child from his elders form the basis for instruction at Baan Chang Thai (though he does not pass on the talents of his ancestor who served as a Royal Executioner). He has continued with the arts throughout his life, and today teaches Thai-style painting and drawing regularly to people of all ages. His traditional Thai style murals are displayed on the walls of several Buddhist temples alongside ancient works of art. Whether a beginner or skilled artist yourself, you can learn Lek’s techniques at Baan Chang Thai. Three-hour long Thai painting and drawing classes are held on Saturdays and Sundays.

In Baan Chang Thai’s reception room, showcases display classical Khon puppets made by the master, each adorned with intricate headgear and beautifully embroidered clothing. The foot and a half tall puppets take about a month and a half to complete. Basics are taught during weekend classes, or you can sign up for a twelve-class program and continue lessons on subsequent visits to Bangkok. Many of the works of art are for sale and can also be made to order, for visitors who’d like to take distinctly Thai souvenirs home with them. But the school’s main focus is on the art of the warrior.

Tucked away down a leafy alleyway on one of Thonglor’s side streets, this Thai arts and kickboxing school looks like any other middle class home in Bangkok. But it is no ordinary house. It’s ground zero for Muay Chaiya in Bangkok, one of the last surviving forms of ancient Thai boxing. Out in the garden in an open shed that serves as a gym, locals and visitors practice this ancient form of Thai boxing that looks more like tai chi than muay thai. But that’s part of its appeal and is why classes comprise students of all ages and levels of experience. Many people like to practice Muay Thai Chaiya as a way to keep in shape.

Baan Chang Thai is located down a sub soi near the Ekamai BTS station.

Muay Chaiya was created by a warrior-turned-Buddhist monk in the southern Thai town of Chaiya several hundred years ago and has passed through a direct lineage of masters to Kru Lek. One of the schools of muay boran, it emphasizes control, calm, concentration, humbleness, and patience. Kru Lek says that a stable mentality, modesty, a careful and mindful nature, honesty, and gratefulness, are prerequisites for training in Muay Chaiya.

All instruction, which is given in English, begins with ten basic exercises pieced together to provide a safe and challenging workout. Drilling of techniques then takes the majority of the session, which run two hours long, providing an excellent workout both physically and mentally. Under Kru Lek’s tutelage, you don’t learn kicking and punching by kicking and punching. You learn the steps and movements from which all advanced techniques flow.

Originating from warfare, Muay Thai Chaiya is a very effective form of self protection, and it is for this purpose that the majority of students at the school attended classes. This form of muay thai stresses short, practical movements which are used to attack or defend on all levels and from a variety of angles. It uses the body’s weight to gain power at close range, so you don’t need to be big to gain power over your opponent. And unlike learning modern muay thai, there are no rules as Muay Thai Chaiya is taught as a form of self defense. So attacking the eyes, throat, groin, joints, and pressure points are all techniques taught because they enable the user to finish a confrontation as quickly as possible to reduce the risk of personal injury.

Group classes often attended by local young men are held in an open shed at the school.

The interest in ancient muay thai styles like Muay Thai Chaiya swelled after the release of Tony Jaa’s first movie, Ong Bak. But Master Lek says the fancy moves that captivated audiences are all for show. He teaches only the efficient, practical style as it was passed on to him by his teachers and has resisted the urge to beautify and weaken the style with fanciful techniques and techniques from other martial arts, which has plagued the current state of Muay Chaiya and other styles of muay boran.

You can drop by Baan Chang Thai to view the artwork or watch students practicing muay thai during weekend afternoons or weekday nights between 5 and 8 pm. Classes run fro 300 baht for an introductory lesson to 2,400 baht for twelve sessions. The school is located at 38 Ekamai Soi 10. Take the BTS to the Ekamai station, and then a 20 baht motorcycle taxi to the school, or a canal boat to Ekamai Pier and a motorcycle taxi for the short hop to Baan Chang Thai’s doorstep. If you are interested in taking classes in Muay Thai Chaiya, painting, or puppet making and costs are a concern, check the Bangkok’s Groupon website, Baan Chang Thai usually has a special offer listed for introductory classes.

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Chiang Mai, Muay Thai

Muay Thai in Chiang Mai

Yup, my blog’s entire home page is now practically filled with posts about Thai boxing. So I thought I’d continue in that vein. Not that you care. You’re still drooling over the naked pictures of Sirimongkol.

When you are in Chiang Mai with a group of friends with a high testosterone count thanks to the two dykes in your party, a night out at one of the local Muay Thai venues is just the thing. At least that was my proposal for the night. Helena wasn’t too jazzed about the idea until I told her the stadium was actually a bar; shots of Patron were enough to stir her interest. Chris wasn’t too hep on the idea either, but quickly came around when I mentioned the young, almost naked hunks who’d be doing battle in the ring. He’d been going through flesh withdrawals since we hit town, missing the gay gogo bars of Bangkok and not willing to man up enough to try Chiang Mai’s bar scene on his own. Noom, my bar boy friend and current love of my life, was a different story. Muay Thai? Hell, yes! Obstinately straight, his presence topped off the testosterone level, and with the one-two punch combo of a Thai cultural event and a chance to gamble, he was raring to go.

Seeing a Muay Thai event in Chiang Mai is a hard to miss opportunity for touri. Every time you pass through the Thapae Gate, a local will hand you a flyer for that evening’s card. Nightly, there’s always at least one fight scheduled between a Thai and a white boy. Not because the farang has any chance of winning, but it’s a sure draw for his countrymen, a chance for locals to score not only in the ring but in the cash register too. And there’s always a fight scheduled between two women. Not because women are allowed in real muay thai fights, they aren’t. But straight guys get all hard over the idea of a bitch fight, so, as always, the locals after a buck are more than willing to oblige.

Embraceable you.

There are two main venues for the touri version of muay thai in Chiang Mai. Both are called stadiums, both are actually bars. One is down the street from the Thapae Gate. The other a block or two up Loi Kroh Road from Chiang Mai’s famous Night Bazaar. We headed to the former, it being close to our hotel. Tickets to the event, which means the price of a drink, are two tiered: cheap seats fill most of the floor, those ringside run a bit more. Since Chris was with us and well known for never losing a fight over a dollar, we went cheap. Until Noom reminded us we were not only in Thailand, but with a Thai. He moved us ringside after the first round of drinks. The only reaction to our grabbing the better seats was a gracious wai given by the barmaid who took our next drink order.

To experience a quintessential Thai kickboxing match, only watching the fight is not enough; hot bodied locals, gloves, and a ring is but part of the show. You need to gamble, too. Most farang are smart enough not to get in the ring and go one-on-one with a Thai. Chris was not smart enough to not go one-on-one with a Thai outside the ring and foolishly agreed to a wager with Noom. Noom giggled at his folly, leaning over and whispering to me in delight, “It not real!”

I love to see my boy’s face bathed in the glow of avarice.

I’d seen enough muay thai fights in Patpong to know touri fights are fixed. But how Noom knew which fighter would win each match was beyond me. His reply to my asking, “’Cuz I Thai,” while typical, failed to adequately address the question. But didn’t fail to score a knock out against Chris’ wallet. The fighters in the ring may go home bruised and battered, but the loss to Chris was of a far more disastrous nature: cash. He tried to get out of paying up, claiming it was a friendly bet, nor more real than the match. I felt Noom tense up; face, honor, integrity, and fairness on the line. So was 100 baht. Chris, having just witnessed the damage a Thai can inflect on another human being, wisely decided his life was worth more than $3 and paid up. Not bloodied enough, he then unwisely agreed to double-down on the next match.

Pay Up!

Meanwhile, Helena was risking death and disfigurement on her own. Not willing to wait for the waitress to make her rounds, she’d bellied up to the closest bar to grab some more drinks. There are about a half a dozen bars spread around the perimeter of the ‘stadium’. Turns out whichever seat you occupy belongs to a specific bar as does whatever money you spend on libations. She’d hit the wrong bar and was quickly being schooled in the rules of the game. Smarter than Chris, she knew better than to take on a local. That ordering another round of shots smoothed things over was but a happy bonus.

The card that night featured five bouts. We’d missed the opening act, the bitch fight. No big loss. We’d arrived during the second bout, the one trumpeting a Canadian boxer. He went down by the time we sat down. Perhaps he should have stuck to hockey. That left three fights, and six young Thai guys with tight bodies, rippling muscles casting shadows across their dusky skin as they danced around the ring, and satin shorts that did little to disguise what they covered, especially as they became transparent with sweat as each bout went on.

Who won may have been predetermined, what happened up to that point seemed to be anyone’s call. The fighters traded some vicious blows, often using hard elbows to inflict damage on their opponent. As many kicks were thrown as punches, blocking those looked as painful as letting them land. The fights may have not been real, but the fighting was. Ringside, up-close and personal, you not only get a unobstructed view of the match, but by the second round sweat flying off the boxers has an unobstructed path to you. Dee cringed. Chris licked his lips. Noom laughed. Helena ordered yet another shot.

Um, I think that one really hurt!

So getting the gang to agree to go see the fights, I’d told a little white lie to Chris, possibly suggesting he’d be able to buy one of the boxers for the night. He wasn’t much of a fight fan, but his eyes were glued on the pugilists sizing each up, not for their fighting skills but with an eye to their bedroom skills. With an 0-2 record betting with Noom, when the third bout started up and Noom tried to make another 100 baht off Chris, he wisely passed. Not because he didn’t want to try and win some of his money back and was smart enough to know that wouldn’t happen, but rather he wanted to have enough left in his wallet to take a muay thai boxer back to his room with him and was not smart enough to know that wouldn’t happen either. Noom set him straight. And won another 100 baht from Chris.

Chris settled instead for buying a pair of muay thai boxer trunks without a boy in them; an odd souvenir for Chris, but then he’d displayed a taste for the strange with other trinkets he’d bought on the trip. End of the fight, end of the night, we staggered back to the hotel; Dee and I laden with an inebriated Helena strung between us, Noom laden with a wallet full of Chris’ cash. But Chris is a champ and though he’d be disappointingly only battling with his own hands that night, quickly caught onto what I was up to when I asked if I could borrow his newly purchased trunks for the night. Back in our room. Noom chalked it up to yet another example of how strange farang can be. But he’s always willing to make me happy. The fight was brief, the trunks quickly discarded, and this time I was the one who knew who the winner would be.

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Movies & Television, Muay Thai

Parinya Charoenphol

Yup, I Know. But coming up with a pun infested title isn’t always that easy.

As long as I’m posting about Thai boxing, I thought I’d include an entry about one of Thailand’s more famous kickboxing champions. His fame wasn’t so much due to his prowess in the ring, though cinching a championship title should tell you that he was quite good, but rather that he was a she. Or more correctly, she was a he. At least until he became a she.

Parinya Charoenphol, better known as Nong Toom, hit the big time in February 1998, when she won a bout at Bangkok’s Lumpini Stadium. Thailand’s media went gaga over the make-up wearing 16-year-old lady boy, who defeated and then kissed her larger and more muscular opponent. She soon became a favorite muay thai boxer embraced by the nation and promoted by tourism officials for being ‘indicative of the wonders to be found in Thailand’. Amazing Thailand indeed.

Born into a rural family living in Chiang Mai province, Nong Toom took the traditional route for children of poor parents in Thailand and became a novice monk.. At the age of 12, he visited a temple fair where a kickboxing match offered 500 baht to the winner; he entered, won, and began his career in muay thai as a financial means to support his family. Initially kickboxing was a way to earn money, but Nong Toom fell in love with the sport, attracted to the ancient movements that are as much a ritualistic dance as an act of violence. His grace and beauty coupled with the stylized dance-like movement he preferred resulted in his trademark move Crushing Medicine, which involved jumping in the air and bringing his elbow down onto the head of his unfortunate opponent.

Toom’s strength and dexterity in the ring, and the ability to knock out the toughest of fighters, won him fame and acceptance racking up 20 wins out of 22 regional matches, and finally nationwide fame after a victory in 1998 at Lumpini. As her fame spread, so did her flame; the girl inside of the boy became more and more obvious to fans and they started showing up to matches wearing makeup and outlandish colored trunks in support. “Back then, I looked like a muscular katoey, and no one believed that I could be a woman,’’ Toom recalls, laughing.

Victorious in the ring, Toom’s private life still left much to be desired. She was still a he. But that changed when a ladyboy beautician from her village supplied the eager Toom with her first bottle of hormone pills. Soon her muscles waned and her jaw line softened. So did her prize-winning punches. Toom’s fans were shocked and by the fall of 1998, there was little coverage of Nong Toom to be found in either the mainstream or boxing media.. But with the hope of becoming a full woman, Nong Toom finally went under the knife in 1999 and became a she.

Beautiful Boxer

Her story is told in the 2004 film Beautiful Boxer, which opened in the US in 2005. Real-life kickboxer Asanee Suwan, a 22-year-old professional featherweight kickboxer from Chiang Mai, landed the lead role in the movie that won several national and international awards, yet opened to limited success in Thailand. There was also controversy in Thailand about the full-frontal male nudity in this film. (For Thailand, the nudity was cut.) Shot in nine provinces across Thailand and in Tokyo, it is a beautifully photographed film, with lots of eye candy and great fight sequences of Toom knocking out most of his opponents in Thailand and Japan.

Since becoming a woman and retiring from the ring, Toom has worked as an actress, a model, and toured for a while with her one-woman show Boxing Cabaret. She has not been allowed to take part in a kickboxing fight because of her gender. “I do miss it, but I’m not that far away from it,” she says. “I go and see my friends in matches, and I do some training. And I still can’t walk past a punch bag without kicking it.”

“When I got a job as a performer, many katoeys believed that I wasn’t fit for it. I know my previous stage was a boxing ring, not a transgendered beauty pageant contest, and they assumed that since I used to live in a very masculine world I wouldn’t know how to sing and dance like them,” says Toom. But as she did with disbelief from the boxing world, Toom again proved the doubters wrong.

Two Beautiful Boxers: Nong Toom and Asanee Suwan.

In 2006, Toom made a comeback as boxer, fighting an exhibition match against Japan’s Kenshiro Lookchaomaekhemthong. Nong Toom won by unanimous decision after the three-round fight. In 2008 she had a fight against Pernilla Johansson at Rumble of the Kings in Stockholm, Sweden and won by decision.

That same year, Toom’s life and her family were captured in a music video for a single by Dido, It Comes and It Goes. The video, she said, brought back a project she has long dreamed of. “The video basically tells the story of my life as a woman, as a mother, as a trainer, as I help my brother teach Thai boxing to kids. And it got me thinking that maybe I should have my own camp that offers training for needy children in the area who can have muay thai as their ‘weapon’ for the future.”

Together with her best friend and business partner, Steven Khan, she is now planning to make “Parinya Muay Thai” come true. “I have a piece of empty land that I bought when I was only 16. I earned the money from boxing and I gave it to my mother to buy it,” she says. “It’s the perfect place, not far from the beach, a nice place for kids to exercise near the sea with fresh air.”

The camp is located in Pranburi, and .is designed to allow children to live, train and eventually go to school without being under contract to fight or having the burden of financially supporting their families. At Parinya Muay Thai, Toom says, children will be taught muay thai boxing for fitness and self-defense. They’ll also be offered opportunities to pursue an education, giving them a better chance at success in the lives.

Parinya Charoenphol and her daughter Pang

Toom also sees her facility as providing an outreach program for Thailand’s lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgendered youth, allowing them to live and train in a safe and open environment, and to learn to defend themselves against bullies, develop confidence, and experience self-empowerment.

Today, though Toom keeps a low profile about her adopted daughter, “Pang”, now 8, whom Toom’s parents legally adopted, she says that filling a mother’s role has opened up a whole new experience. “My only wish is to support her now and give her the love, warmth and education she needs,” says Toom.

“I swore to myself that if I could be a woman, I would be a strong woman so that I can protect those I love: my family and my daughter,” Toom says. And it’s Toom’s inner strength that continues to inspire all who come to know her.

 

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Muay Thai, Nude Dudes

Sirimongkol Singwancha

Yup, not only another post about Thai boxing, but one with a title that will guarantee tons of hits via Google searches. Some bar owner in Thailand should take note. Please?

And of note, especially to gay guys who like hunky Thai men, was champion boxer Sirimongkol Singwancha’s appearance – sans belt, trunks, or anything else – in the gay magazine Heat which earned him a legion of new fans and a conviction for taking part in publicizing obscenity. In 2005, the Thai district court fined the champ 4,000 baht and awarded him a six-month suspended sentence and two year probation for showing off all of his talents in the magazine.

 Sirimongkol who won WBC world titles in two weight divisions, bantamweight and super featherweight, was paid about 200,000 baht for appearing in the publication. Two years before doing the Heat layout, he was the cover model for Lips, a Thai upscale fashion and life-style magazine with a large gay male readership Not expecting that his full frontal nudity shots would be included in Heat, Sirimongkol claimed that the staff simply asked him to pose “for fun and for them to view in privacy.”  Wink. Wink.

With a record of 63 wins, just two losses and 37 knockouts his boxing career stalled in 2005 after a seventh round knockout victory over Michael Clark in a WBC eliminator in Las Vegas. Shortly after, he falsely tested positive for Hepatitis B and lost an all-but-certain interim lightweight crown before doctors could prove he did not have the virus. By that time, the damage was done and Sirimongkol’s career never got back on track. Later the same year he was arrested for the full-frontal nudity photographs discovered by authorities during a porno raid in Northern Thailand.

Fined, but not jailed, in 2007 he agreed to an ill-advised drop down to super-featherweight to fight Thong Por Chokchai. Sirimongkol won, barely, and moved up to light-welter to destroy Australian Chad Bennett in 135 seconds in 2008 followed by a win against Rogelio Castaneda Jr. in Las Vegas.

His professional career and private life took another dive in August the following year when Sirimongkol was arrested with 28g of methamphetamines in Pattaya while allegedly delivering the drugs to a customer for 10,000 baht. The former world champion told police he was delivering the drugs for a man named “Lek” because – despite being scheduled to fight in a match in Mexico later that week – he no longer could earn enough money from boxing. Sirimongkol admitted he was guilty and that he has acted as a drug courier several times.

The most recent news I could find was from October of last year; the 32 year old boxer was still in jail while his family attempted to get more than three million baht together to free the former champ so that he could possibly fight again.

Not quite as tragic, ballsy, hunky, or hard, Olympic silver medal boxer Worapoj Petchkoom also got his hand slapped for a gay magazine spread. In 2009, he appeared in Stage, both on the cover and a pictorial inside. But only in a swimsuit and his undies. His bitch slap came from the boxing commission rather than the courts; he was suspended for three months.

The boxer, who hopes to compete in the 2012 Summer Olympics in London, says he didn’t know the magazine was a gay publication. Worapoj says he was tricked and agreed to the shoot after the magazine invited him to do the cover to mark its third anniversary, thinking it was just an ordinary fashion job.

“On the first day I started to have my doubts, when they brought out a pair of underwear for me to wear,” he said. “Since the magazine appeared, another two gay titles have offered me work, but I turned them down. I meant to show my six pack – not my private parts.”

The 28 year old 2004 Olympics silver medal winner (bantam class) says he agreed to the shoot after a dentist friend who knows people at the magazine invited him to do the cover for which he was paid 15,000 baht for two days’ work. The images were not considered obscene but still “they have tarnished the reputation of the national athletes” said Amateur Boxing Association of Thailand (ABAT) president, Gen. Taweep Jantararoj.

Petchkoom defended his actions while apologizing for showing so little, “I thought I would just be wearing a swimming costume. I refused, but they coaxed me into it, saying they wanted to see my six-pack.” Uh, Petchkoom? That’s not what they wanted to see.

Worapoj Petchkoom

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Bangkok, Muay Thai, Stupid Tourist Tricks

“I can take him dude! I know I can. You got my back?”

“Uh, no. You can’t even beat Somsong at Connect Four. Have another beer.”

My running partner Dave and I were hanging out in Patpong and as usual he was getting all testosteroned up over the fake Muay Thai bout at the bar. Usually, he was content to cheer the boxers on. This time he wanted in on the action. Fortunately Dave loved to drink so the lure of another beer was enough to dissuade him from the idea of getting in the ring; one more shot enough to keep him in his seat. Offering to go one-on-one with a Thai boxer may have been safe at a fake Muay Thai venue, but you never know. Thailand has a mind of its own, touri proceed at their own risk.

Tall, dark, and handsome doesn’t begin to describe Dave. Though he easily hits all three of those marks. Dave is 6’ 4”, 200+ sculptured lbs., with dark-honey skin, black hair, molasses eyes, and a smile that lights a spark deep within his soul. A former Marine Honor Guard at the White House, part of his beauty is that he hasn’t a clue to how hot he really is. Upon meeting Dave for the first time, an older straight male friend of mine summed him up perfectly: Impressive. And Dave oozes masculinity. The chance for a five foot 99 pound Thai to take down a Goliath, especially a gorgeous one – a drunk one to boot – may have been too tempting. Not exactly a recipe for a fun filled SE Asian holiday. At least not on the touri side of the equation.

We were perched on barstools at our favorite bar in Bangkok’s red light district, an area that shimmers like the crown jewel in a vacationland of sin, seething with action, spotlit by neon blaring garishly from the enticements along the city’s most notorious soi. It was a popular bar, a popular choice among male visitors who’d made the pilgrimage to Bangkok’s neighborhood of flesh merchants, travellers yearning to escape the boredom of their drab homeland. They’d made the trip on zephyrs of dream to experience the sleazy magic of a world of the forbidden, the exotic, the unbelievable; a place beyond taboo, a place of flesh and nakedness where loose, ripe women reign and money is all. Content to ignore the squalid reality of the actual place, the bar was packed nightly with visitors willing to swallow the illusion wholeheartedly, and that artifice encompassed not only the women – many of whom were men – but the fake Thai kick boxing bouts as well.

That bar is now a distant memory. It used to squat on the corner of Patpong 1 and Suriwong, replaced by a McDonalds that in turn was replaced by a British drug store pushing Viagra that was replaced by a bank offering the some of the worst exchange rates in the city. The corner moved from an illusion of sin to an illusion of food to an illusion of virility to an illusion of cheap riches, a micro-climate of what Bangkok has to offer its visitors. But in the early ‘90s, that bar was a great place to call home.

On our first trip to The Big Mango, we quickly settled into the bar, making fast friends with Somsong, one of the bartenders who for a steady round of tips kept the ladyboys away. That Dave would lose game after game of Connect Four with her was but an added bonus. And added baht to her pocket. It was an open-air hostess bar, it’s tables spilling out both onto the sin-laden soi and traffic-laden Suriwong, a haven for bar girls and ladyboys, and a magnet for those on the prowl for cheap booze and cheaper women. Oh. Guess I should mention Dave is straight. Or at least thinks he is.

Under no such illusions myself, I was content to drink the night away in his company because that usually resulted in sleeping the early morning away snuggled up in bed together too. Yup, because that’s what straight buddies do. Illusions have always played an important role in Dave’s life, reality in mine. So it was no surprise that he was attracted to the Thai kickboxing bouts the bar offered to lure punters in.

Muay Thai is a national obsession in Thailand. That gambling is involved has a lot to do with the sport’s popularity. Real Muay Thai fights are part of Thailand’s cultural heritage. But that’s not what most touri see. Many visitors get their Muay Thai fix from staged bouts held in bars more interested in pushing drinks than in promoting the sport. That’s not to say the fighters are not real, they just don’t really fight. It’s the Thai version of professional wrestling. The outcome is determined before the fight begins. Unless a drunk touri steps into the ring. Though that outcome is predictable too.

In Bangkok, the real matches are held both at Lumpini and Ratchdamnoen Stadiums, where the fighting is fierce. The arenas are always packed, and as a touri you are guaranteed the best seats in the house. That’s because they cost twice as much as other seats and the locals are not foolish enough to pay that kind of cash. But then, a ringside seat for less than twenty bucks is a good deal. Those seats also give you a good view of the upper two tiers where the locals battle their own brand of the good fight.

Inside the stadium, the action is quite aggressive and bloody. Lots of angry shouting, furious screaming, with elbows, hands and fingers flying all about the place. That’s the spectators, busy placing their bets. Thais, like most Asians, love to gamble; Lumpini is one of the few legal venues for gambling in the Kingdom. Most bets are not large but they are placed with much passion. Fights among spectators are frequent and often more violent than what is happening on the mat. As a touri, hopping into the ring is a safer bet than wagering with the local crowd. At least with the former you may survive your night out.

Inside the ring, a bit more decorum is shown. At least at first. Each bout starts with a pre-fight ceremony. During the first part, the Wai Khru, both boxers kneel and wai to pay respect to the King, then turn in three more directions with each representing honor to his parents, teachers and Buddhism. A headband, called a Mongkol, is tied around their heads; it is considered sacred and when worn nothing can touch the boxer’s head. That’s why you’ll see the fighters enter the Muay Thai Boxing ring over the ropes, rather than ducking between them like classic boxers do.

After the kneeling and bowing the fighters get up and start the second part of the pre-fight ritual, the Ram Muay, a slow dance like movement that derives from their school of fighting technique. Sometimes the dance is brief, other times it’s an eloquent performances that draws applause from the crowd.

Each school of Muay Thai has its own style of Ram Muay, each dances to its own tune. If for some reason the fighters start doing the same movements, they’ll cancel the fight because it means they’ve been trained in the same school of boxing; two fighters from the same school aren’t supposed to fight each other because they are spiritual brothers. Occasionally you’ll see one of the boxers stamp his feet in his opponent’s corner. This is a signal that he intends to kill his opponent. The crowd goes wild. You should quietly slip out of the stadium and go watch the safer exhibition matches in Patpong.

During the pre-fight ceremony and the actual bout, a Muay Thai Orchestra plays tunes based on a musical scale unknown to Western ears, to match the pace and intensity of the fighters. Fortunately, the noise made by the spectators drowns out the noise made by the Thai musicians. If not, carefully study the fighters’ drop kick techniques and then try the move out on the most annoying musician. Don’t forget to place a bet before doing so.

Like most competitive full contact fighting sports, Muay Thai requires a heavy focus on body conditioning. The result is a homoerotic wet dream: a pair of buff, near naked youths, their biceps rippling, thigh muscles bulging, ass cheeks clenched tight under red or blue shorts that become almost transparent as they are soaked with sweat as the bout goes on. The spectators go berserk, gay guys in the crowd get hard, and the boxers exchange blow after blow using their knees and feet, fists and elbows; almost any part of the body is considered a target and any part of the body, except the head, can be used to strike an opponent.

Head-butts, chokes, gouges, and bites – in other words bitch fighting – are no longer allowed. Kneeing your opponent in the balls is no longer legal either. Originally, Muay Thai fighters wore cotton cloth wrapped around their hands which was dipped in glue and rolled in sand and broken glass. Today, they wear boxing gloves. Pussies.

Muay Thai fights consist of five three minute rounds with a two minute break between rounds. In professional fights, matches are judged as a whole, not by the round, and it’s important that a boxer finishes strongly; the later rounds are the most important. Like Olympic Ice Skating, the judges’ decision is often faulty, controversial, and provides the spark that ignites blows being thrown outside of the ring. But then with maybe 100 baht at stake, you can’t blame fight fans for their outrage when their boxer loses.

The matches put on at the bars in Patpong are a bit different. Opening ceremonies are brief or nonexistent. The music played during the fight is disco tunes from the ‘70s. There are no judges, the outcome was determined before the fight began. But the fighters are often true Nak Muay, trying to earn a few baht between real fights. Because money rules both inside and outside of the ring, scoring a Thai boxer from a bar for a battle between the sheets is not impossible. Getting your nose bloodied by trying to is not impossible either.

Tony Jaa wearing traditional Muay Thai mongkhon and pra jiad.

If you want to see Muay Thai in Patpong these days, the Pink Panther Club puts on exhibition matches every night between 10pm and midnight, while the club’s gogo girls sit around in their skimpy outfits waiting for the boxing ring to be dismantled and their poles to once again take center stage. On special nights, the bar opens the ring to touri to try their hand in case you have a sudden urge to prove your masculinity. If you want to try out your Thai boxing skills but the thought of naked women turns your stomach, for an exceptionally aggressive and brutal fight, just run up to any ladyboy and give her a good noogie. Your fight will be on.

If you want to see real Muay Thai in Bangkok, fights are held at Ratchadamnoen Stadium every Monday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Sunday night, and at Lumpini Stadium every Tuesday, Friday, and Saturday night. Both stadiums have afternoons fights too. You can also catch the action at the Channel 7, Rangsit, Omnoy, and Samrong stadiums.

A knock out at Patpong’s Pink Panther Club, probably due to too many shots of Thai whiskey than his opponent’s Muay Thai skills.

Two trips with Dave to Bangkok later, with him getting more vocal about entering the ring during each, I’d finally had enough, slapped a $100 bill on the bar top, and said, “If you can take him, it’s yours.” It was a win-win situation for me: getting to watch Dave’s bod rippling in motion dressed in a skimpy pair of boxing trunks, and at worst having to shower him with attention back in the room to mend his broken ego and battered body. But Somsong had her eye on that bill too. Her favorite customers were obviously flush; some of those riches could be headed her way as long as the two weren’t instead headed for the hospital.

She pulled out her Connect Four set-up and quickly challenged Dave to a game before he could psych himself up enough to hop into the ring. And big surprise: for once, Dave won. Somsong poured him a shot, and gave him a big hug while cooing onto his ear, “You big winner handsome man!” No punches were thrown, but a farang lost to a Thai once again.

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Movies & Television, Muay Thai

Tony Jaa: 0% Body Fat, 100% Man Meat

If you are like me, and you prefer your Thai men to be dark, built, and project an aura of masculinity (so, not fem), then you too probably fell in lust when actor/martial artist Tony Jaa came onto the scene a few short years ago. I don’t recall how I first heard about Tony, or his break out movie, Ong-Bak: The Warrior. But do remember unsuccessfully trying to buy a copy from the pirated DVD vendors along Sukhumvit and at Pantip Plaza. The only reaction elicited by me saying Ong Bak, or Tony Jaa, were quizzical stares from the merchants. My friend Noom was as clueless. I think he got tired of having to stop at every DVD booth with me and finally asked one of the sellers where we could find the movie. 7/11. Duh. Of course.

A Young & Beautiful Tony

7/11s in Thailand are what 7/11s in America should aspire to be. Convenient  and cheap, stocking everything one could possibly need in the early hours of the morning. In Thailand the 7/11s actually have sales; though even their regular prices are on par of what you’d pay in a grocery store. None of those gouging prices one pays for convenience back in the States.

First 7/11 we hit, there it was. The DVD I’d been hunting for. For a mere 99 baht. I rushed back to the hotel dragging Noom behind me and plopped the movie into the DVD player. We both enjoyed the film. Tony was hot, cute, ripped, and beat the hell out of a slew of bad guys. Muay Thai at its finest. The plot wasn’t all that, but it was followable, even in Thai (uh, 7/11 doesn’t sell English language DVD’s).

Heralded by Time magazine as “the next Bruce Lee,” Tony Jaa performed all of his stunts without guidewires and other special effects action hero movies have come to rely on. And when he stopped leaping and flying about delivering blow after blow . . . that body, that face, that smile, those eyes! Mommmmmie!

Tony drips with sex appeal in Tom Yun Goong

Tony quickly followed up with Tom Yun Goong (renamed The Protector for U.S. distribution). The story line this time around had Tony working as a protector for the royal elephants. Blah, blah, blah. Stolen elephants. Blah, blah, blah. Black market. Blah, blah, blah. Go to Australia. The final fight sequence set in a temple with fire, flooded floors, and a dripping wet Tony was an incredible cinematic feast. A visual delight (both Tony and the scene). As in his previous movie, Tony did all of his own stunts, demonstrating his mastery of Muay Thai. And two years later he still was a feast for the eyes. A bit older, but even more handsome. And still a body to die for.

In his third movie to gain international release, Ong Bak 2, Tony took on both the roles of star and director. A prequel to Ong Bak, (though it has absolutely nothing to do with the first movie; ‘prequel’ just means it is set a few hundred years before the original movie) Ong Bak 2 told the story of Tein (Jaa) whose papa was murdered by a bad guy, and then Tien was enslaved by another bad guy, and then Tien killed the second bad guy and a crocodile and is saved by a bad guy who is a good guy but later turns out to be a bad guy when Tien kills the first bad guy who really doesn’t die just before he has to kill the bad guy who was a good guy and now turns out to be a good guy who had to be a bad guy because of the original bad guy.

Uh, and sorry, but that synopsis is actually less confusing than the movie. Even the English Language version. No problemo. Tony kicks ass throughout and slowing the movie down so you can watch each muscle ripple as he moves across the screen is highly suggested. And if you are watching the Thai language version, it’ll sound better, too.

Still in love with the man’s hotness, I was thrilled to discover the next chapter in this storyline Ong Bak 3 at my local Blockbuster. (If you are reading this in 2012 or later, Blockbuster was a popular chain of DVD rental stores that once had thousands of locations across America. Like eight track players Blockbuster is now but a remembrance of a technology of days long gone.) I raced home in anticipation, popped the movie into my DVD player, and . . . WTF?

Hair Extensions, Fat, and Fish . . .WTF?

OK, Ong Bak 2 had already diverged from the Hollywood movie path into the land of Thai. So I hadn’t really expected the next chapter, once again directed by Tony, to avoid the overwrought acting and painfully thinly hidden good vs. evil message of the previous movie. But Tony had other ideas, making its predecessor, Ong Bak 2, look like a masterpiece of character development. The movie was worse than a Thai TV sitcom. Mysticism, ghosts, demons, and screeching damsels in distress left little time for the fighting sequences that made Tony a star. And left room for a much larger role, in his third Ong Bak appearance, for that fat little Thai guy who seems to be in every Thai comedy released in the last 20 years. Toothless for this role. ‘Cuz Thais know nothing is more funny that a toothless character. I chuckle now even thinking about him. Not.

Full of cliches and narrative incoherence, Ong Bak 3 takes up directly where Ong Bak 2 left off. Tien (Tony) gets the shit beat out of him by order of the bad guy who didn’t die in the last movie, then good guys come to save Tien but get killed instead by a new bad guy, then a new good guy saves Tien and gives him to villagers who treat him to a mud bath at the local day spa while the new bad guy kills the old bad guy, and then Tien has a Mr. Miyagi moment with the aforementioned toothless comedic relief just before the new bad guy kills the screeching damsel in distress (not that I cared ‘cuz I don’t pay attention to fish in movies that feature hot near naked male beauty), and then another new bad guy who had a cameo role in the last movie becomes the badest bad guy, but he really is the new bad guy reincarnated (though he didn’t die) who kills Tien except they rewind the movie and have Tien kill the bad guy instead. Oh, yeah, and for some reason the fish lives, too.

Tony wearing his girdle in Ong Bak 3.

I could live with the Thai-ness though, as long as Tony beat the crap out of everyone in the masterful fighting manner he displayed in his previous movies. And he did. But not until the end of the movie. First, he got the shit kicked out of him again and again before he finally fought like only Tony Jaa can. Complete with aerial ballet movements off the backs and tusks of elephants. Sweet!

With the fight sequences finally up to par, you’d think I’d be satisfied. And as an action flick junky, I would be. But part of my love for Tony’s movies is/was Tony. That beautiful hunk of Thai meat. And that’s where the WTF! comes in . . . what in the hell happened to Tony Jaa? I wasn’t even sure that it was him in the movie. Seriously, I even checked the credits. Charlie Sheen has aged better! Granted the make up and hair extensions didn’t help. I think they were suppose to give visual definition to the plot, but after the cost of the make up and elephant rental, they couldn’t afford a plot for Ong Bak 3.

Tony’s once handsome lean face ballooned out to twice its previous width, dragging his facial features along for the ride. It’s not only that he no longer looks like Tony Jaa, now he doesn’t even look like Tony Jaa’s ugly older sister. He’s starting to look like that fat little Thai comic guy. I quite expect him to be toothless in his next role. And his body has followed his face’s lead. What once was a beautifully ripped torso gleaming with strength and muscle is now a barely held together bag of fat skin and bone. I’m pretty sure he was wearing a girdle in one scene. Tony! What have you done! Think about your fans! Think about my mastabatory fantasies! Think about becoming Weight Watchers’ next spokesperson . . .

The sweetness once known as Tony Jaa.

I know it is not unusual for Thais to go from handsome to hideous over night. A lot of Thais just don’t age well. And maybe I should have been expecting it with Tony. His overly dramatic efforts both as director and star in Ong Bak 3 didn’t manage to make me tear up as intended. But the loss of this male beauty did.

WTF?! Award Winner: Tony Jaa

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