Eating Right: Rules To Dine By

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Stupid Tourist Tricks

Wen’s been bugging me to do a post on street food for the newbie, but before you learn to run you need to learn to walk (though admittedly for some of your timid tummies it’s probably best you are adept at running before you try eating food from a street cart in Thailand). The less generous of you might consider the entire purpose of this post to be nothing more than an excuse to post some hot male flesh with food pix, but I’m good with that. Either way it’s a quick and easy article that will allow me to get back to my true passion in life: hot male flesh. Or food. Or eating hot male flesh.

We all – or most of us – have been taught polite dinner table manners; that it’s rude to rest your elbows on the table, that you shouldn’t chew with your mouth open, and for the more advanced among us, which fork or spoon to use with which course. My parents also taught me not to hide my unwanted lima beans in my brothers’ glass of milk. But I think that one was a specific rule directed toward me.

The table manners we learned as children and hopefully refined as young adults generally serve us well. Until you wind up somewhere where those rules fly out the window to be replaced by a set of rules completely foreign to you. In some countries burping after a meal is a sign that you were both well fed and enjoyed the meal. My parents scolded me for that one too. But watching the lima bean/milk mixture spurt out of my brothers’ nose when I let a loud belch rip was always worth the reprimand.

I learned early when I moved to Hawaii that it is considered both rude and bad luck to stick your chopsticks into your rice like you are planting a flag, a rule shared by many Asian cultures. Among the Inuit people of Canada, farting after a meal is an expression of thanks and appreciation (whereas the same gesture in Mexico is just considered an unavoidable part of life). Someone told me that it’s rude in France to use a knife to cut the lettuce in your salad. It seems every country or area of the world has their own little idiosyncrasies when it comes to what is and what is not considered to be polite while dining. And Thailand is no exception.

Short of belching after a meal while mumbling something about the royal family, Thais will generally forgive you for poor manners at the dining table. They consider Westerners much the same as a small child and rather than take offense, excuse us for being the ignorant fools that we are. It really isn’t a bad rep to have, you can get away with murder (actually you can get away with murder in Thailand, but that’s a different post). For those of you who would prefer to blend in rather than stand out in your farang-ness, here are a few tips on the intricacies of dining in Thailand, though it’s more about how than why your fellow diners are laughing at you:

Thai people eat constantly, or so it seems. The norm here is numerous small meals throughout the day rather than the three square meals you are probably used to. Not a bad routine to adopt on your visit; you will always be full, you’ll get to try more dishes, and you won’t cause a minor traffic jam of locals gawking at the weird American whose table is laden with enough food to feed a small family of twelve for the week. The downside? As a fellow traveller once said: “One fart and you’re hungry again.”

Okay, so pretend you have some cultural sense: Do not ask for chopsticks to eat Thai cuisine. Only a few Thai dishes are eaten with chopsticks, in which case they’ll be provided. The standard utensils in Thailand are a fork and a spoon.

Most Thai dining is done family style. That means all of the dishes are placed in the middle of the table and everyone helps themselves. It’s about sharing, not about being your piggy little self. So to do it right, you and your mate and/or friends can all order a dish you like, but when they are served everyone gets to eat off all of the dishes rather than hog the cashew chicken to themselves. And don’t get annoyed if all the dishes you order don’t come at the same time. Since Thais usually share everything they order, it doesn’t matter to them which dish is delivered to the table first.

There’s a bit more to dining in Thailand than just sharing: First, the big spoon at your table setting. It’s not there so you can shovel larger portions into your mouth. And just because you can fit lots of food on it doesn’t mean you should. Use it to scoop a portion of food off the main dishes with the idea of taking a spoonful of rice, topping it with a spoonful of one of the other dishes and then eating each dish one by one in this combination. In other words, you are eating a portion of each dish off your plate before adding more food to your plate, not filling it like you are at an all you can eat buffet (unless you are at an all you can eat buffet).

Next if you really want to show you know what you’re doing, master the art of using a fork. It is not a utensil used to spear solid pieces of food off your plate; use your fork to push food onto your spoon (not your serving spoon, dummy – you’re eating now, not putting food on your plate). The pushing motion should be toward yourself, if you really want to get this right. Then use the spoon to insert the food in your mouth. This will keep you from inserting your foot in your mouth instead.

If you are dining at a food court and really want to gross out the local you are dining with, ignore that rice cooker full of water when you are grabbing your utensils. Thais religiously rinse their utensils off in this water as a nod toward hygienic dining. As a Westerner, you know that a kettle of cold water that has been sitting out all day has little to do with fighting germs, so feel free to ignore it.

Many Thais consider grabbing the last piece of food off of a serving plate to be bad luck. And it is for the person who was hoping to claim that little morsel as their own. An old custom that is dying away is for the person who does take the last piece to make a wish on behalf of someone else – that morphs your misfortune into good luck ‘cuz you are thinking of someone else’s well-being for a change.

Lastly, at the end of the meal, using a toothpick to pry out the pieces of food that got stuck between your teeth is not considered rude. Not holding a hand in front of the action is. I think this is because Thais eat tiny portions of food and what you spear onto the end of your toothpick will look like another meal to them. But that’s just a guess. Of course if you are like many visitors to the Kingdom and dine nightly at McDonalds and/or KFC, you can ignore all of these dining rules and just be happy that corporate America has made the entire world a little slice of home away from home on your behalf.

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Stupid Tourist Tricks

International travel can open your mind to new experiences, or help you maintain a closed mind about your fellow travellers.

Huh. I really shoulda saved that elephant fisting photo I posted yesterday for today’s post . . .

There are those whose greatest travel pleasure is whining about the behavior of their fellow touri. And then there are those of whom the former whine about. It’s a universal truth nicely summed up by that well-known adage: Those who can, do; those who have a stick up their ass, preach.

Not that any travel-related behavior should be considered acceptable, but what gets some grumbler’s panties in a wad is nothing more than the sight of someone else having a good time. And sure, you shouldn’t traipse around Bangkok wearing nothing but skimpy beach attire – unless you have the body of a god – but then that sort of behavior is more of an embarrassment to the transgressor than it is to the rest of us. Not that you want to ever see most of those bodies revealed even when you are at the beach.

What constitutes proper tourist behavior and which actions should be universally deplored and condemned are often in the eye of the beholder. It’s a lot like pornography, or as Supreme Court Justice Potter Stewart put it, it’s hard to define, but I know it when I see it. To some the sight of a touri who has had a few too many brings on a conniption fit over public drunkenness, while most just assume the poor bloke is an Aussie and, karma being what it is, will suffer for his behavior when he wakes up the next morning with the mother of all hangovers. There are a few rude travel behaviors that everyone agrees should be banned, but most depend greatly on where you are from and how you were raised. Even among those who are fussy old queens raised to seek out faults in others in order to maintain their illusions of moral superiority.

Screw the souvenirs, it’s memories that can really make a holiday. Even if you can’t remember them.

International travel was once reserved for the cultural elite. Nowadays, as Air Asia like to brag: Everyone Can Fly. The tourist areas of the world have become a melting pot, bubbling over with a spectacular mass of people who come from different backgrounds and traditions. That can cause problems. What is socially acceptable to one culture results in charges of tourists behaving badly from those of others. Think American tourists and many immediately picture loud, overweight, poorly dressed folk who don’t speak any language other than English and who are totally ignorant of the places they travel to, excluding information that they’ve picked up from Lonely Planet. Think Japanese vacationers and many picture large groups on tour, loaded with the latest models of the most expensive photographic equipment to take smiling pictures everywhere, who willingly over-pay for anything and everything while braying among themselves about how vastly inferior the people of the land they are visiting are.

Brits have long suffered from a loutish image abroad, obnoxiousness seeming to be their #1 export – though to be fair, in a recent survey published in Newsweek, French and Indian tourists ranked higher on the obnoxiousness scale. In fact, while being an Aussie and being an alcoholic are often viewed as being synonymous, the French are the perennial favorite for the #1 spot on Expedia’s annual survey of the world’s best and worst tourists and are generally viewed as being the biggest skinflints, the worst tippers, the least able or inclined to speak foreign languages, and usually rank last in terms of their politeness and behavior. And then there are the Chinese.

Two months ago, according to a China Economic Net report, some high-end vacation resorts in the Maldives have become so outraged over what they consider to be bad behavior on the part of vacationers from China they’ve changed their property’s operating procedures: employees have been instructed to remove the hot water kettle in every Chinese tourist’s room. The social faux pas this new policy was designed to curb is the Chinese nationals’ love of Cup of Noodles; the resorts were upset that the tourists were not spending their money in restaurants but sitting in their hotel rooms chowing down on instant noodles instead. The Chinese, of course, are incensed. Not that the China National Tourism Administration is willing to give their people a free pass on proper touri etiquette while abroad.

20% of touri like to mark their spot globally.

Teaming up with the central government’s Office of the Spiritual Civilization Development Steering Commission they conducted a study on The Frequent Bad Behaviors of Chinese Citizens Who Travel Abroad, which detailed ten popular complaints against Chinese tourists, including: littering, spitting, snatching bus seats, queue-jumping, taking off shoes and socks in public, speaking loudly, bad temper and cursing, and smoking in non-smoking areas. In response, the Ministry of Tourism issued a brochure for Chinese tourists called The Manual on Proper Behavior for Chinese Citizens Traveling Abroad. It lists helpful information, suggesting touri eat their food quietly, not cut into queues, and, in order to ‘protect the environment’ not to litter. It also warns against spitting on the ground, not because it’s a disgusting habit but because everyone needs to do their part to curb the problem of greenhouse gases.

Cultural norms aside, the sight of touri gone wild in and of itself does seem to be the norm. The results of an unscientific survey by travel app Triposo, were recently released which showed misbehaving while on holiday, for many, if just part of the travel experience. Their research covered everything from travel etiquette and manners – like hogging arm rests and asking to switch seats incessantly – to drunken misbehavior and foreign fraternization. Some of their findings may surprise you. Or help you to realize you are not alone. Or give you something more to whine about:

70% of touri’s photographs are more monumentual than they are of monuments.

The Joy Of Sex:
· 70 percent admitted to some form of sexual fraternization.
· 25 percent admitted to a one-night stand.
· 17 percent did it in a public place.
· 16 percent did it with someone who didn’t speak a word of their language.
· 6 percent admitted to cheating on a significant other; and
· 5 percent broke up with said significant other.
· 6 percent admitted to soliciting sex.

The Evils Of Alcohol:
· 60 percent admitted to getting totally blitzed.
· 11 percent reported injuries thanks to having one too many.
· 20 percent admitted to urinating in public.
· 10 percent admitted to vomiting in public.
· 5 percent say drinking abroad led to naked escapades in public.

Bad Boys:
· 20 percent who admitted to stealing while in a foreign country
· 15 percent admitted to buying or selling drugs.
· Almost 14 percent admitted to some form of trespassing.
· 6 percent admitted to smuggling contraband.
· Less than 2 percent report being arrested, though more than 10 percent reported being held at the border.

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Stupid Tourist Trick #368

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Stupid Tourist Tricks

While vacationing in Thailand, John discovers he’s a bottom.

(Thanks for the pix Christian!)

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Stupid Tourist Tricks

Songkran and cellphone technology do not mix well.

Despite how much you may not enjoy getting thoroughly drenched during the Songkran festivities, a good towel is all it takes to make matters right. Hell, find a dry spot away from the water fights and Thailand’s hot tropical sun alone will quickly dry you off. Unfortunately, the same can not be said about your cellphone. And with that little marvel of technology being firmly affixed to almost everyone’s hip these days, the 1.3 million cellphone dealers at MBK are undoubtedly looking forward to a flood of business after this weekend’s festivities are over. The waterfall of baht soon headed there way is gonna make the amount of water thrown during Songkran look like a mere puddle.

No problemo. Every cloud has a silver lining. Even when it’s not a rain cloud at fault but some damn smiling Thai with a bucket of water instead. You may not be looking at having to replace your cellphone, not too mention having to upgrade for your bar boy’s phone too while you’re at it. There are options. And I won’t mention that ounce of prevention thingy ‘cuz ya know I’m just not one of those I Told You So kinda guys. But if the following doesn’t work for you, give me a call. Oh, wait . . .

When you discover you were not smart enough to leave your phone at home and it, along with you, got drenched, here’s what to do:

The loss of his cellphone is one of the most traumatic events in a bar boy’s life. Until he remembers that you’ll always buy him a new one.

1. Turn It Off. Immediately. Seconds count, so do not delay. The quicker you turn off the device the better chance you’ll have of saving it. If you are unable to do so in the normal manner, pop out the phone’s battery to shut it down. If you can’t turn it off chances are that the water will soon cross a critical connection and short the device, meaning certain death. If you can turn it off, congratulations you went from a zero percent chance of recovery to a 50 percent chance of recovery.

2. Dry It Off. Use a towel, your shirt, or your boy du jour’s shirt. Just don’t get distracted from the task at hand if you go with the third option. Shake it like you would a Polaroid picture (the phone, not your boy). Do not use a hair dryer, or microwave oven to dry your phone, either will cause more damage than good.

3. Take Out The Sim Card. If you are at home or your hotel, us a vacuum cleaner to suck what moisture you can from where the Sim card was, as well as from any speaker holes and power ports. If you do not have access to a vacuum cleaner, your boy du jour is probably an expert at sucking on things; it’s worth a try.

4. Be Glad You Are Into Rice. DampRid sachets and silica packets work better, but are more difficult to lay your hands on quickly – and you’ve got about 10 minutes max – so either fill a bowl or zip lock bag with uncooked white rice and put your phone in it. Ignore the fact that putting your phone in that zip lock bag earlier in the day would have saved you from a lot of grief. Cover the bowl or seal the bag and keep your phone in it over night. If you are also saving your boy du jour’s phone, this is a handy excuse for why he has to spend the night with you.

It’s not a bad idea to place your phone in its bag or bowl on top of a TV (this doesn’t work with a TV mounted on the wall) . The heat from the TV will remove moisture from the phone. But it also gives your boy du jour an excuse to watch Thai sit-comes into the early hours of the morning. Saving your phone may not be worth that experience.

5. Wait. Leave your phone in the bowl or bag for a full 24 hours at a minimum. 48 hours is even better. Though that will give your boy du jour time to convince you to just buy him a new phone. Or you can use this time to reflect upon your stupidity, atone for your sins, or visit a local wat to make merit in the hope Buddha will intercede on your phone’s behalf.

6. Cross Your Fingers. After at least a full 24 hours have expired, cross your fingers, say a prayer, rub your favorite spot on your boy du jour for luck, and power up your phone. There’s no guarantee that it will come back to life – probably like with what you experienced rubbing your boy du jour’s spot to bring it back to life – but if it dried out and the logic board wasn’t damaged your odds are fairly good that your phone will be good as new. And a lot cleaner.

The above steps also work well on iPods, or when it is not the Songkran holiday and you drop your phone in the toilet while cruising a shopping mall’s restroom.

Note that if it was your boy du jour’s phone that you saved, he might not be pleased.

If your cellphone is beyond saving and you were lucky enough to have foolishly bought an iPhone, all’s not lost. This week Apple agreed to pay $53 million to settle a class action lawsuit filed by countless iPhone and iPod Touch owners who claim that the company failed to honor its own warranty. The consumer complaints all revolve around a tricky little strip of tape inside the phone known as the Liquid Contact Indicator (LCI) that’s supposed to indicate whether or not the device has sustained water damage. If so, the tape would turn pink. So for a long time, if an Apple employee opened up a malfunctioning iPhone or iPod and found pink tape, the warranty was immediately voided.

There’s only one problem with this patented magic tape that the geniuses at Apple used to determine which phones had been dropped in a toilet and which had simply stopped working. The tape didn’t work. The tape’s maker, 3M, has admitted humidity, and not water contact, could cause the color to turn pink. And nothing says humidity better than Thailand in April.

For many customers, this $53 million settlement will serve to compensate those in the class about $200, though it applies only to early iPhone models (original, 3G and 3Gs) and the first three generations of iPod Touches. If you have a newer device, you’ll still need to be careful when you’re texting in the restroom.

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Songkran In Thailand: The Top 10 Dos And Don’ts For Songkran

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Stupid Tourist Tricks

What’s more fun than getting a face full of water? Rules to celebrate by, of course!

With the official start of the Songkran holiday just a day away it’s the perfect time to review what you should and shouldn’t be doing to celebrate. At least it is according to the internet since a list of dos and don’ts for Songkran seems to be a popular subject. I’m not sure why that is. It seems to me that coming up with rules to celebrated a holiday puts a bit of a dampener on the whole affair. But then some people do enjoy their rules. Not that any of those folks are Thai; I’m sure the locals get a laugh out of the idea that farang think there should be rules applied to celebrating one of their holidays.

Nonetheless, any excuse that gives me the opportunity to use the word nonetheless is a good one in my book, so here is a much better list than you’ll find anywhere else of the Dos and Don’ts for celebrating Songkran even if it will drive the anal among you crazy for not being nicely divided between the things you should and should not do:

Do beware of armed locals.

1. Don’t Drink The Water:
If you are reading this article you are probably a gay man (or soon will be), and that means you undoubtedly watched Sex In The City: The Movie. You may recall Charlotte, on the girls’ trip to Mexico, was extremely cautious about not drinking the water. And then ended up allowing a small sip to enter her mouth while showering. Which put her out for the count for the remainder of the holiday thanks to Montezuma’s Revenge. Then again thanks to Gilles Marini’s naked shower scene and his penis’ big screen debut soon thereafter you may not remember Charlotte’s plight after all. But trust me, it happened. And you should consider that as a warning about all of the water soon headed your way.

Tap water is not considered safe to drink in Thailand. At least not for touri. And that stuff is probably a hell of a lot cleaner than what you will soon be drenched with. Up north in Chiang Mai, the authorities even drain the rancid water from the moat and refill it with cleaner water before the festival begins. For all the good that does. So you may want to keep your damn mouth shut for a change. Or insure your travel vaccinations against water-borne viruses are up to date for once in your life. Playing safe during Songkran is just as important as it is when playing in the country’s gogo bars.

2. Don’t Act Like The World Hates You:
Okay, so maybe it does. But it really isn’t all about you. Fun is the rule of the day and if your personality doesn’t allow for that, stay home or stay in your hotel room watching reruns of I Love Lucy. No one likes a grumpy old sod glaring at them just because they directed a little water in his direction. But everyone does love aiming their water at said grumpy guss. So my bad. The world does, in fact, hate you. You may have heard the saying, ‘Let a smile be your umbrella.’ During Songkran that can be a pretty effective way of staying dry. Or drier. Or who knows, you may even begin to enjoy life for a change. If not, you’re sure to put a big smile on someone else’s face when they try to wash that frown off of yours.

Do recognize the erotic aspects of a wet body.

3. Don’t Throw Water At Monks and Babies. Or At Baby Monks:
Huh. This one shows up on most other lists of what to do and what not to do when celebrating Songkran, though it should go without saying. Which means it needs to be said. Common sense dictates that there are some people whom you should not be dumping 50 gallons of water on. But since you have none, now you know. I’d add to this list ladyboys who are decked out in their finest. Buddhist monks are pacifists, babies can not defend themselves; ladyboys are a different story and if you dare to make their mascara run you are in for a world of hurt. If, on the other hand, you get a ladyboy wet accidently, just hand over some baht. Because we all know what a ladyboy will put up with for a bit of cash.

4. Do Throw Water At Hot Guys:
With your help Songkran can be one big wet T-shirt party. With a bit more precision in your aim, it can be even better. No one other than fussy old queens wears much in the way of clothing to a water fight. And it doesn’t take much water to reveal how little that clothing hides. Or how big. Now doesn’t Songkran sound like a lot more fun than it did ten minutes ago?

5. Don’t Wear Flip Flops:
If you have any sense of fashion you wouldn’t wear flip flops anyway, but then people on holiday often let their fashion sense go the way of their sense of personal safety, which takes a holiday of its own. During Songkran the two are one and the same; slippery when wet does not just apply to a lubed up ass. Smooth cement and tiled floors both became a water slide when wet, especially for those who thought flip flops were the perfect footwear choice for the day. Unless you are a local who has grown up wearing them. In which cased your spatulate toes will grip the ground for you.

Do take advantage of water’s properties in making pants see-through.

6. Do Watch Out For Elephants:
Though not a bad bit of advice for anytime of the year in Thailand, your degree of caution should be heightened during Songkran. Some locals have figured out an elephant makes a perfect answer to humongous Super Soakers and use the pachyderms to spray crowds of people with a single pull of the tail. But it’s the other liquid you need to watch out for. Elephants piss at a volume that would make a Songkran party goer with a 30 gallon trash can full of water jealous. And they urinate often (the elephants, not the Songkran party goers, though actually . . . never mind). Anyway, get too close and that water headed your way may not be water.

7. Do Throw Water At Motorcyclists:
Most of the other lists of what to do and what not to do when celebrating Songkran say you should not throw water at motorcyclists. Supposedly to avoid causing an accident. Stupid farang. First, everyone is fair game at Songkran and pulling that ‘I’m on a motorcycle so don’t get me wet’ crap just doesn’t work. Second, motorcyclists in Thailand do not need your assistance or lack thereof to get into an accident. They are perfectly capable of getting into a wreck on their own, with or without water present. And third, if the gods didn’t want you to drench motorcyclists they wouldn’t make them such tempting targets. So go for it.

8. Do Behave Yourself After Sundown:
As the sun goes down most people with a brain head back to their hotel or home to dry off and get ready for a night on the town drenching their thirst instead of their body. Yes, during the day you could hardly walk outside without someone throwing a bucket of water in your face. Come dusk, a truce descends on the city. Or it’s supposed to. But there’s always the odd asshole who doesn’t recognize when the party is over. Don’t let that be you. Even Thais have a limit on how much sanook they can handle in one day. And ya don’t want to be on the receiving end when what was fun just a few hours ago is no longer considered funny.

Do offer to help towel dry hotties. But use your tongue instead of a towel.

9. Do Or Don’t Head For Khaosan Road:
Ditto for Silom by the Saladang BTS station. Both are party central for Bangkok’s wildest water fights. Silom means a good mix of locals and touri getting wet and wild; Khaosan means you’ll get to experience the Euro-Trash/Backpacker version of the holiday. The nice thing about the festivities on Khaosan is that many of the revelers finally get the bath they so desperately need.

The point here is that everyone – and that now includes you – knows these are the two areas in town that get the wettest. Good if you want to join in on the fun, not so good if you want to stay dry. Consider yourself warned.

10. Do Have A Buddha Full Time:
Wow. Getting to use ‘nonetheless’ and a bad pun all in one post! I am blessed. And you should consider yourself to be blessed too. “Cuz that’s what all of that water you’ve been drenched with really is about. Contradictory to what you may think, fun loving Thais do not just throw water at each other for no good reason (besides getting a kick out of seeing other people soaking wet). The real meaning behind those massive water fights is to symbolically wash away all misfortunes and bad luck from the past year, thereby welcoming the new year with a fresh new start.

Do realize that all good things must come to an end. Just make sure you have a good viewing spot.

Traditionally, Thais would politely pour a bowl of water on members of the family, their close friends, and neighbors. The practice was meant as a blessing and as a show of respect. Even the local Buddha statue got a good dousing. As Songkran has taken on a more festive note, that bowl became a bucket, a garden hose, a water gun, and now a Super Soaker that holds 40 gallons of liquid ammo. But it’s the thought that counts. So as you wander down the street soaking wet, just keep repeating to yourself, “I have been blessed. I have been blessed.” It may not help convince you, but there’s a good chance people will think you are crazy for wandering around talking to yourself and they’ll be more circumspect about throwing water at you out of fear of how you might react.

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Stupid Tourist Tricks

The tons of gallons of water that get thrown during Songkran every year gets all the press. For those looking for fun, the holiday’s major water fights are the draw. For those who avoid having fun at all costs, those same buckets full of water provide them with plenty to bitch about. But equally reviled by fun lovers and the miserable alike is the Songkran tradition of the application of that white stuff that makes locals look like they got a face full of spunk the night before and forgot to wash it off. You may not be a fan of getting drenched, but after having your face smeared with white talcum powder you’ll be happy to have a bucketful of water dumped over your head to keep you from looking like Lindsay Lohan on a cocaine binge.

Of course since limits are ignored by Thais and those on holiday alike, some revelers have begun combining the two traditions and throw buckets full of watery white paste these days. Yuk. If you are unlucky enough to be on the receiving end of that mess, you do have the right to bitch. But then you probably deserved it anyway. Karma in Thailand tends to be fast acting.

Yesterday we looked at the origin legend of the Songkran holiday, and – possibly – where the tradition of all that water came from. If you didn’t read that post, shame on you. I’m trying to edumacate you on Thai culture here. So pay attention ‘cuz today it’s all about that white stuff. Even if your true interest lays in some other white stuff. And that should be a popular subject matter (the former rather than the latter though admittedly the latter would draw more comments) because Google says “one of the oldest Songkran traditions is where many Thai’s apply a white powder or paste to the face neck or torso of other participants”. Note that the misplaced apostrophe is Google’s fault, not mine.

You’d think being “one of the oldest Songkran traditions’ an explanation for that tradition would be not difficult to track down. But then this is Thailand. When that tradition began, why it is part of the Songkran festivities, and what, if anything, it is suppose to signify seems to be as closely guarded of a secret as that Stedman is actually Oprah’s beard. Many websites like to claim the crap is a sign of protection or is supposed to ward off evil. But then many websites also like to claim that a bird shitting on your head in Thailand is a sign of good luck. So I’m not buying it. Besides, bird shit is easier to clean off than a face full of wet talcum powder.

If you did read yesterday’s post about the Songkran legend and that damn riddle that made absolutely no sense kept you awake all night, then you may recall part of the answer was about applying perfume to the chest in the afternoon. The other two parts of the answer were about bathing your feet and face, which is supposed to be about Songkran but sounds more like a myth designed to instill good personal hygiene practices. No problemo. That feet and face washing brings water into the traditions of the holiday, and that perfume thingy brings in that damn white paste.

Traditionally, it wasn’t talcum powder or any of the other crap locals use in its place these days, but a white mud called dinsaw pong, which, outside of the Songkran celebrations is still a popular spa treatment in Thailand. So don’t think of it as one of the less pleasurable elements of Songkran, think of it as a free beauty treatment. And ignore that the traditional dinsaw pong mixture has fallen from favor since it was discovered that most of it contains very dangerous levels of lead in the pigments.

Dinsaw pong, a type of fragrant talcum not to be confused with Thanaka, another whitish paste for the face popular in Burma, has been used for many purposes in Thailand for centuries: as a beauty or medical product for clearing rashes, healing wounds, to refresh and tighten the skin, and as a skin protection from the sun as well as to protect against mosquitoes. The version used as part of the water fights during Songkran has none of those properties; it’s usually just some form of talc or any other cheap white powder party goers manage to get their hands on. Though generally not dangerous, some pastes contain menthol, which can sting if it gets in your eyes. Not that personal safety has anything to do with Songkran festivities in the first place.

Much like the tradition of drenching strangers with water began as a gentle pouring of water over elders’ hands, the current Songkran tradition of tossing a load of talc on anyone who even looks to be a bit damp started off as a more gentle and kinder rite. A small silver bowl filled with dinsaw pong was originally used to gently dab some of the paste onto the receiver’s face, neck or other part of the body. Tradition dictated that the paste should be left on until it naturally washed itself off Stemming from a practice of monks applying a similar chalk to worshipers’ faces as a blessing, many considered this custom to bring good luck. Today’s version of the practice, which went from a gentle daubing to pounds of the stuff being dumped on the unsuspecting only tends to bring good luck to those who own laundries.

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The Fabled Black Buddha Of Bangkok

Tags

Bangkok, Scams, Stupid Tourist Tricks, Wats

A black Buddha, but not The Black Buddha.

The year was 1993, and finally, after several trips to Thailand the locals were showing their appreciation for my interest in their country by rewarding me with the knowledge of an inside scoop worth some big bucks. The gods were looking kindly on me and my fellow band of merry travelers that day; we’d managed to be in Bangkok for the Amazing One Day Only Government Sponsored Gem and Jewelry Sale, and thanks to a friendly and helpful local we’d just been clued into that fact. Shame about the Grand Palace being closed though.

Thanks to karma being what it is, since that trip I’ve been extremely fortunate to have managed to be in Bangkok at the same time an Amazing One Day Only Government Sponsored Gem and Jewelry Sale has been happening again. On several occasions. I’m just not sure why the Thai government feels it’s necessary to close thee Grand Palace every time they hold one of their special Gem sales. It must have something to do with Buddhism.

Of course while any Thai tuk tuk driver worth his salt is gonna help celebrate your good fortune by delivering you to where you can make a killing buying gems and jewelry to resell back home at astronomical markups, as a Buddhist, your soul is what really matters to him. When the gods bless you with financial riches, it’s only right that you respond by showing them proper reverence. Being a farang, you may not realize this. No problemo. Before your Officially Licensed By The Thai Government Tuk Tuk Driver takes you to where you’ll be able to begin living the life of the rich and famous, he will take you to see Buddha. If he really cares about you, he may even take you to where you can have a nice suit made for the price of a meal at McDonalds so that you are appropriately attired for your meeting with Buddha. And in your nice new Custom Made Suit Ready In One Hour, you’ll look so splendid your tuk tuk driver will undoubtedly bless you with one of those warm and jubilant smiles Thailand is known for.

Still not The Black Buddha.

Being the lucky guy that I am, I have a closet filled with a variety of Custom Made Suits Ready In One Hour from my numerous visits to Bangkok, as well as a drawer or two filled with all the goodies I snatched up visiting an Amazing One Day Only Government Sponsored Gem and Jewelry Sale. I am truly blessed. Or would be. But while a procession of different Officially Licensed By The Thai Government Tuk Tuk Drivers have seen to my spiritual needs over the years by escorting me to The Golden Buddha, The Lucky Buddha, The Giant Buddha, and The Lucky Giant Golden Buddha, from a recent search on Google I’ve learned that I have been missing out. Not one Officially Licensed By The Thai Government Tuk Tuk Driver has ever taken me for an audience with the fabled Black Buddha of Bangkok. And as much as I love Thailand and consider the Thai people to be next to gods for their deeply held religious belief that all visitors to their wonderful country be personally blessed by the local deities – before being equally enriched thanks to an Amazing One Day Only Government Sponsored Gem and Jewelry Sale – I hate to admit that I’ve come to the conclusion that Thai people are racists.

Golden Buddhas, even the lucky ones, are a dime a dozen in Bangkok. No really. At the amulet market behind Wat Ratchanadda you can buy a dozen small golden Buddhas for a dime. The fabled Black Buddha is a different story. At least it is if you are a visitor from a western country. White folk don’t get taken to see The Black Buddha. That honor is reserved for those visitors whose skin color comes closer to matching the tones of The Black Buddha. Anyone visiting from an Asian, Middle-Eastern, or Latino country is afforded the opportunity of visiting The Temple Of The Black Buddha. Us farang have to make due with a Buddha covered in gold. It’s a shameful blight on the reputation of Thailand. I’m amazed the Thai Government allows this injustice to exist.

Now I’m sure those of you who insist on viewing The Land Of Smiles through rose-colored glasses are objecting right about now. “But dude! I’ve seen a black Buddha in Bangkok!” you’re saying. And I’m sure you have. I have too. But did an Officially Licensed By The Thai Government Tuk Tuk Driver take you to se that Buddha? I bet not. Because while you may have seen a black Buddha, you probably have not seen The Black Buddha. If you had, you’d know The Black Buddha is not black.

Nope. This isn’t The Black Buddha either.

As soon as I heard my soul was not properly being tended to in Bangkok, I turned to the world’s premier source for all things religious, Google. A search on ‘black Buddha Bangkok’ returns 6,810,000 hits, and every single website listed on the first page of Google’s search results is a trip report from a non-white visitor who was blessed with the opportunity of being taken to see The Black Buddha by an Officially Licensed By The Thai Government Tuk Tuk Driver (except for one guy who tried to pull a fast one by having the last name of Black. Didn’t work. He only got to see The Lucky Giant Golden Buddha.)

Not being native English speakers, these folk have all translated the word ‘visit’ incorrectly, thinking the proper word is ‘scam’ but then we all know how difficult English is to learn. (I have to admit that while I’d like to think this is just a common error in language usage, now that I know how racists Thai are I suspect this may also be a plot by non-Westerners to keep us whities from ever getting to see The Black Buddha.) In any case, reading of their adventures, the same experience is shared by all. After meeting an Officially Licensed By The Thai Government Tuk Tuk Driver on one of the days the Grand Palace is closed, they are whisked off to see The Black Buddha before being provided the opportunity to participate in an Amazing One Day Only Government Sponsored Gem and Jewelry Sale, only to find upon arrival that The Black Buddha is not black. The Black Buddha is gold. He used to be black. But those damn sneaky Thais, in an attempt to keep The Black Buddha hidden from farang sight, have disguised him by covering The Black Buddha with layers of gold leaf.

You may think I’m being overly suspicious, that the idea of a worldwide plot to keep The Black Buddha away from the farang eyes is just a bit of my natural paranoia shining through. And yes, if you delve far enough into the sites returned by Google you will find the occasional report of The Black Buddha being seen by a farang. But those are always tales told by an European backpacker, a brand of traveller known to bathe infrequently. So you can understand when an Officially Licensed By The Thai Government Tuk Tuk Driver mistakenly thinks they are not white. But Google Images backs up my theory. Do a search on Black Buddha Temple Bangkok, and the pictures you’ll see are from about a dozen different Thai wats. None of which houses the real Black Buddha. Even Google doesn’t want you to see what the temple of The Black Buddha looks like.

Lots of Black Buddhas, but none are The Black Buddha.

I love Thailand. But racism and bigotry needs to be stamped out wherever you find it. The practice of keeping white folk from seeing The Black Buddha has to stop. I urge you to write your congressman today. With your support I’m sure the American government can convince the leaders of Thailand to rectify this matter. And then on my next visit to Bangkok, before I add to my collection of Custom Made Suits Ready In One Hour and my purchases from an Amazing One Day Only Government Sponsored Gem and Jewelry Sale, I’ll finally be blessed with a visit to see Bangkok’s fabled Black Buddha.

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I Fell In Love With A Bar Boy: Who Says You Can Only Eat Dead Things?

Tags

Gay Thailand, Stupid Tourist Tricks

Noom, my bar boy friend and current love of my life, gets a disgustingly satisfied look on his face whenever we walk past a vendor selling fried insects. I’m not sure why he thinks eating cockroaches and grasshoppers is something to be proud of, but since he will and I won’t, that damn smirk always spreads across his face. It’s usually accompanied by a raised eyebrow, his invitation for me to finally come to my senses and try some. And then he chuckles when I answer him by talking with my hand and offering him a little bird to digest.

I don’t think refusing to even try a bite of something with six legs means you are a picky eater. Limits are a good thing and drawing the line at insects isn’t quite the same thing as refusing to eat brussels sprouts. Though I’d imagine the taste of the two is quite similar. If I had my druthers asparagus and broccoli would no longer be considered food either. But if I don’t have a choice in the matter I will be polite and swallow instead of spit. Vegetables that should not be considered food are known American dangers. S.E. Asia has its own unfathomable food. In S.E Asia if it ever breathed or had a heartbeat, it’s fair game for the dinner table. Sometimes, even while it is still breathing.

I won’t chow down on insects because they are insects. Not because of what they might taste like. The nice thing about being a Westener in S.E Asia is that if you are willing to try some disgusting dish, no one gets upset when you spit it out. Stupid farang finding good food inedible is always worth a laugh. And I rely on that bit of Thai humor often. I’m usually willing to try just about anything. At least once. As long as it is not a bug. Noom puts up with my dining habits though I know it perplexes him. I will eat what other farang won’t get near, but then will not eat stuff, like KFC, that everyone knows is farang food.

Late one night coming out of the clubs we stopped to pick up a few skewered meat balls as is our norm. Noom always handles that transaction because it is important to him to pick out exactly which sticks of mystery meat we get. The perennial joker, he bought a few that were fish (seafood restaurants are barely one level up from KFC on my list) and then did his damnedest to control himself while watching me bite into one. I didn’t even get the thing chewed before he was rolling on the ground giggling, “It fitsch!”

Okay, so like me he is easily amused. Unfortunately for the little ball of glee, by the time the small amount of fish is mixed in with everything else they put in those suckers, what I object to about eating fish is no longer there. And what is is smothered by the flavor of the sauce. Instead of spitting it out in disgust, which would have been good for another round of giggles, I handed him some baht and told him to go buy a few more. You can make the same comment without resorting to actually using bird.

When we first met, he tried to get his daily ration of mirth by handing me a dish at a street stall made for a Thai. In my world there is no such thing as ‘too spicy’. He didn’t get the laugh he was after that time, and should have taken heed. Since I can out hot him, I’ve managed payback a few times, which he didn’t find funny either. Now we tend to take care of our own dining needs. On the rare occasion when either of us hands food to the other, whoever is the brunt of the meal carefully sniffs it before giving it a try. They say trust is important in any relationship. That’s why ours works. We both trust each other to fuck with the other guy if it might mean a laugh.

Street food in general is good for Thais to use when they feel the need to laugh at a farang. If you’ve been on the receiving end and need some payback, stop by one of the upscale grocery stores in town and pick up a nice gooey chunk of brei. I haven’t had to resort to that trick yet. Noom knows that I like street cart food. As long as it is not an insect or has gills, I’m game. Even on some of the more gamey dishes. So most of what he comes up with, I’ve no problem with. Not that that means he doesn’t still try. I just ruin his fun most of the time. But then he gets a meal out of it anyway, so all is not lost.

When in Bangkok, we often stay at Centre Point Silom. There are street cart vendors all around the hotel 24/7 and a small sub-soi that runs along the length of the hotel’s drive where you can get the most amazing food. I’m not sure if it is purposely planned that way, but the further back you go the more unusual the dishes are. If Noom is hungry, we barely make it past the first few stalls. If I’m the one in need of food, we head for the vendors in the back. Most are fixtures. I know what they have, even if I don’t really know what it is. Others tend to come and go, or the vendor offers a variety of different meals depending on what they managed to score that morning. Starved one early afternoon, we headed toward the back and Noom’s face lit up. It wasn’t the enticing aromas drifting down the soi that put that smile on his face. It was a specific dish he decided I really needed to try. I’m still trying to decide if he has a solid punch coming for that one.

The vendor was doing a brisk business with a long line of customers waiting while he prepared each dish. It was a salad of sorts – as long as you don’t confuse salad with the western version that usually includes some kind of lettuce – mostly green onions and garlic with some lemon grass mixed in. You can never go wrong with onions and garlic. Topping off the herb mix were tiny little translucent shrimp. I’m not a fan of fish, but shrimp, crab, and lobster are okay in my book. Especially when smothered in garlic.

Each portion came in a small metal bowl, with an upside down dish serving as a lid. As usual, I grabbed us seats while Noom went after the food. When he finally showed up at the table with our meal, that upside down dish gave me pause. There are numerous Thai dishes meant to be eaten in a specific manner, which I’ve learned in the past by providing whichever local I’m dining with a good laugh by eating the wrong thing or eating it in the wrong way. I’ve learned to wait and follow a local’s lead before diving in. With this meal, Noom wasn’t buying into that.

“You try!” he urged me while ignoring the bowl in front of himself.

I waited a minute hoping his stomach would get the better of him, but he waited for the punch line patiently instead, an anticipatory grin plastered to his face. With a fork and large spoon provided as utensils, I figured there couldn’t be too much of a trick to eating a bowl of shrimp salad, and assumed rather than eating from the bowl, you were supposed to eat off of the plate that was temporarily serving as a lid. No problemo. I slipped the ‘lid’ off with the intention of righting it. And tiny little shrimp started jumping out of the bowl.

Noom howled with laughter.

Goong ten, or dancing shrimp, is a dish from Northern Thailand. Where, evidently, fire to cook with is a rarity. I’ve had drunken shrimp in Hong Kong, so the idea of chowing down on tiny crustaceans with life still left in them wasn’t a totally foreign experience. Their little antennae waving all over the place was a bit creepy, but what the hell, I had a shit-eating grin to wipe off my boy’s face. I managed to get a few of the little creatures on my spoon along with a good portion of onions and garlic, and only lost another one or two of the little buggers to freedom before cramming the concoction into my mouth.

Not realizing they are doomed, in your mouth the shrimp continue to wiggle. At least until they meet your teeth. With a satisfying crunch, the shrimp rupture as you grind into them. As for the taste, even live critters have a difficult time taking center stage when you have enough garlic and onion in the mix; there is virtually no shrimp flavor to the dish at all.

Noom was a bit disappointed that his session of joy was being cut short, but wasn’t about to waste the food either so he recovered my bowl before too many of my shrimp made their escape. There is lime juice in the mix, along with a few other Thai spices, which kills off the shrimp – they die in a relatively swift fashion. There is less and less jumping as you eat the meal, the wiggle-effect remains for a few bites, and by the end of the meal the only movement left is your throat swallowing what is surprisingly quite a tasty dish.

Since that meal, I’ve tried the dish once more. Not because it was that good, but rather to wipe out any pleasure left in Noom’s memory bank from the first experience. In Chiang Mai, the dish was made slightly different with more shrimp and less veggies. Noom preferred the Chiang Mai version, I preferred the dish I’d had in Bangkok. They say the third time’s the charm, but I doubt I’ll ever be ordering goong ten for a third meal. Besides, I’m sure there are still some equally weird Thai dishes just waiting for Noom to get a laugh out of ordering for me.

Come to think about it, I really do need to stop and pick up some runny brie for dinner one night. I’ll let ya know how much Noom enjoys it, and how much I enjoy watching him try it.

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This Is Thailand #4

Tags

Stupid Tourist Tricks

Early last year I posted an article that suggested the Thai government was finally taking steps to shut down the infamous The Grand Palace Is Closed scam. Though since my first attempted visit to the Grand Palace I’ve enjoyed participating in scamming scammers, that inaugural visit ended up being a wash. We didn’t fall victim to the scam, but did believe the palace was closed. It took several more trips to Bangkok before lucking out and hitting the palace on a day it was open.

Last year I was glad to hear they’d installed a P.A. system to announce that the Grand Palace was in fact open; too many touri miss out on seeing one of the country’s wonders thanks to the many scammers trying to convince them they need some jewelry or a new suit instead. The Grand Palace Is Closed scam isn’t quite up there with the beach resort towns’ jet ski scam in terms of dollars, but makes up for it in numbers of touri who fall prey to the con daily. The new announcement broadcasting the palace’s hours was a good step. A few signs pointing toward the entrance to the grounds wouldn’t be a bad idea either, but they’ve only been welcoming touri to the palace for a few decades now so you have to give them time to work out all the little details.

But you can never keep a good scam down, especially in Thailand. A reader of this blog just sent in a comment about his recent experience, which made me laugh. In case you don’t read the comments, I thought I’d share it with you:

You can still be victim of adapted scam 2.0:
You only need to believe the woman who is standing directly under the speakers and is repeating the opening hours in a semi-official manner only to add “grand palace is open but today is buddha day and therefore many buildings are inaccessible, so visiting today would make you only be disappointed.”

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Tags

Bangkok, Stupid Tourist Tricks

Smoking in Bangkok can be more dangerous than you think.

Everyone is pretty much aware by now that smoking is dangerous to your health. Newbies to Bangkok should also be aware that smoking can be dangerous to the health of your wallet. While Thailand’s gem scam industry gets all the press, two scams blessed by the government are encountered on Bangkok’s streets daily. And while 2,000 baht may not sound like a lot of money to you, multiplied by the number of scofflaws who pony up fine money daily, we’re talking some serious moola. Which is why, despite widespread warnings, this practice continues.

Trash littering the streets is part of the urban scene in Bangkok. And I don’t mean the occasional Big Mac wrapper blowing down the street. The gutters are filled with refuse – and yeah, if it moves that was a rat – piles grow around lamp posts and telephone poles. The only place you don’t see litter collecting is around streetside trash bins. Because there are none. Discarding whatever is in your hand that you no longer have a need for is a way of life for the town’s denizens. Touri are often more circumspect, having been trained to not litter back home or just out of respect for the country they are visiting. And that’s why Bangkok’s litter police are a scam. Many touri who find themselves being fined on the spot never were guilty of littering in the first place.

Most scams and cons rely on greed; they are always based on the greedy who think they are getting something for nothing. The twist here is that you get scammed for doing nothing. And yes, some who fall prey to the litter police actually are guilty of the crime. But it’s still a scam. Because the guilty are only touri. Locals are never busted for littering. But then most locals don’t have 2,000 baht to hand over on a whim either.

Trash of all kinds is part of the urban street scene in Bangkok.

I encountered the litter police for the first time a good decade ago. My travel partner Dave had run down the street for a six-pack. It was taking so much time that I began to worry about what trouble he’d gotten himself into when he burst through the hotel room’s door in a major snit-fit. A smoker, the litter police had been eyeballing him and decided he was guilty for nothing more than to have been sucking on a cancer stick while walking down Sukhumvit. He managed to get the fine down to 500 baht, all the money he had on him – and thank the gods he’d already bought the beer.

It wasn’t the money that had him so upset it was the injustice. Dave was exceptionally careful about not littering. When done with a smoke, he’d snub the cigarette out and pocket the butt. Every time we’d return to our hotel room, the first thing Dave would do would be to pull out a handful of cigarette butts from his pocket to dump in the trash. He’d even shown the ‘cops’ his stash of butts. They were less than impressed. They weren’t too impressed that the farang they’d stopped only had 500 baht on him either.

It didn’t help matters that Dave had been busted while I was notorious for flicking my butts into the gutters of Bangkok. A practice that came to a grinding halt that day. Not that that would prevent me from ever being busted for the offense. Step two was keeping an eye peeled for antilittering signs and then making sure I didn’t smoke anywhere near the area. And I adopted Dave’s habit of pocketing my butts even when not in a touri area of the city.

My friend Noom wasn’t impressed with my efforts at not littering. The first time he saw me pocket a butt he gave me his ‘Farang are so strange look’, let out a, “Why you do dat?” and emptied my pocket full of butts, throwing them into the street. To keep me from acting so silly again, for a while after that he’d hold out his hand whenever I finished a cigarette so he could take the karma blow for me. That was the practice until we upgraded to anytime I had a cigarette butt or piece of litter to dispose of, I’d just hand it to him so he could throw it on the ground. Which he’d do right in front of the litter police with no concern.

Trying to claim you were just feeding the soi dogs is not gonna get you out of paying a fine for littering.

Bangkok’s litter police are not actually cops. They work for the BMA and are called thetsakij. But they look like cops and touri assume they are because who else would have the authority to stop you on the streets and demand that you pay a fine for breaking a city ordinance? The Bangkok Post ran an article on the scam a few years ago, and the deputy director of the City Law Enforcement Department. Manit Techaapichoke, suggested touri who feel they were being unduly targeted should refuse to pay the fine. If you take his advice, let me know how that turned out for you, okay?

If you get off the beaten path and stray into neighborhoods where the locals live instead of where touri congregate, you won’t see trash bins on the streets though you will see piles of garbage everywhere. You won’t see members of the litter police either. They are all stationed where the tourists are. There’s a fixed litter police station at the BTS elevated walkway by MBK that does big business. Mostly from smokers. Sukhumvit, from soi 2 down to soi 33 is a popular spot for the litter brigade to conduct business too, as my friend Dave discovered, and the area in front of Benjasiri Park next to Emporium is a prime fine collection spot too. In fact at Benjasiri Park you can also pay a 1,500 baht fine for feeding the pigeon population. Don’t worry if you find yourself at the park without feed, there are a mass of vendors there selling it.

I’m no longer a smoker, but I still keep an eye out for the litter police. Smokers are their favorite target because all smokers know they are guilty of something. But in a pinch, the litter police will bust you for the stray candy wrapper or empty water bottle too. Even if it wasn’t yours.

Guess what that Thai sign says in English.

But then littering on the streets of Bangkok shouldn’t be your only concern. Crossing them too can be costly. The anti-litter efforts of the BMA were so popular that they expanded their efforts of separating cash from visitors’ pockets by adding jaywalking to their list of on the spot fineable offenses. For the last three years the city government has been cracking down on those who brave crossing Bangkok’s streets where they shouldn’t. And yup, the most dangerous jaywalking spots are all areas with a heavy farang presence.

Bangkok’s traffic problems are notorious. Streets often look more like parking lots than thoroughfares. When the traffic is at a standstill, and has been for the last ten minutes, it’s safer to jaywalk than it is to be driving. When the traffic is flowing – which is usually in three directions – considering the driving skills of the average Bangkokian if you are stupid enough to try to cross the street amidst the bumper-car derby that passes for traffic in Bangkok, you shouldn’t be fined. You should be rewarded. Pedestrian deaths are just part of life in the Big Mango.

The fine for jaywalking is only 200 baht, which explains why it is not as popular of a bust as littering is. Between soi 2 and 4 on Sukhumvit are prime jaywalking fine areas, as is where Patpong dead ends on Silom. My favorite spot to jaywalk is the intersection of New Petchburi and Ratchaprarop Roads, they have a cardboard cut-out of a Boy In Brown warning you to not jaywalk there. But the risky areas are always easy to spot. Just look for where all the locals are darting across the street.

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